Monday, September 25, 2017

The Open Carry of Macuahuitls

As you know, in order to get elected to office in present-day America it is necessary to worship at the festooned altar of the Second Amendment. A person aspiring to high office is almost required to be photographed in camouflaged hunting clothes, toting a large-caliber weapon through the woods in search of some unwary beast or member of the opposing party. It's also pretty much mandatory to make one's obeisance at a suitably large formation of the National Rifle Association in order to establish one's credentials as a true, gun-loving American from whose cold, dead hands his guns must be pulled.

But if everybody does the same thing, takes the same picture, sings the same hosannas to the same heavily-armed choir, how does one set oneself apart from the crowd?

By packing new types of heat, of course.

Anybody can swagger into the local Starbucks with an AR-15 nonchalantly slung muzzle-down across his back ...

or take his Glock to church in a designer holster that matches his Sunday-Go-to-Meeting clothes ...

But to really set yourself apart from the open carry crowd, you need something more exotic. You need a macuahuitl.

The macuahuitl was a fearsome sword carried by the Aztec warriors of Central America. It's not a traditional forged metal blade, but a carved wooden weapon about a meter long (there were longer versions for two-handed use) with blades of razor-sharp volcanic obsidian* fastened around the edges. It was a fearsome weapon that, in the hands of a trained warrior, could take off a horse's head with a single blow.

Just think of how jealous people packing ordinary heat will be when you stride manfully through the doors of your local elementary school, bar, restaurant, or coffee shop with a genuine Aztec macuahuitl! It's clearly constitutional, since the Second Amendment simply guarantees the right to keep and bear arms ... it doesn't specify firearms, so you're cool.

Why just shoot somebody who irritates you when you can slice his head off with a single blow of a razor-sharp macuahuitl?

Be a real man ... pack a macuahuitl instead of a common firearm and stand out from the crowd.

Have a good day, one that's a ... cut above. More thoughts tomorrow.


* If you're a "Game of Thrones" fan, you know that obsidian - also known as "dragonglass" - is one of the few things that will kill White Walkers and their dead soldiers.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

You da man when you sport one of those!

Mike said...

I could carry a macuahuitl but I couldn't pronounce it when someone asked me what it was.

allenwoodhaven said...

Mike makes a good point. I've heard of these and they are fearsome weapons in trained hands. In untrained hands, I imagine that they are still dangerous to anyone within swinging distance. An advantage that the weapons lobby wouldn't like is that you don't have to buy ammunition!