The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for October, 2026

Today is Friday, October 2nd, 2026, and it's the first Friday of a month that gives us not two, but three opportunities to present Ass Clown Awards (not counting any interim special awards). Since it's an election year, there are more potential awardees than usual, driven by the frantic search for elective office and consequent official self-enrichment at our expense.

But in looking at the vast tsunami of ass clownery swamping our poor nation, it seems to me that it might be worthwhile to present the award not to an individual, a group, or even an object (like the hideous Arc de Trump), but rather to a mystical incantation used to justify much of the other ass clownery that besets us.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I hereby present

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown Award for October, 2026

to

National Security

Those of you who know me personally, or who have been following this blog for more than a few months, know that I am a veteran of 23 years of service in the Air Force, having retired long ago as a Lieutenant Colonel. I served in a strategic bombardment wing of the old Strategic Air Command, and as an intelligence officer in West Berlin when it was still surrounded by the infamous Berlin Wall. I worked on intelligence plans, requirements, and budgets on the Air Staff in the Pentagon, spent another twenty years supporting Air Force intelligence and cyber programs as a civilian contractor, and have a Masters degree in International Relations. I tell you this to let you know that I think I know something about (at least) the military and intelligence aspects of national security.

What is "National Security?" The basic definition offered by the Cornell Law School's Legal Information Institute is "... the ability of a nation to protect and defend their citizens." It goes on to add that "According to the U.S Department of Justice ... national security is also an umbrella term that includes 'national defense, intelligence and counterintelligence, international and internal security, and foreign relations.'"

Nowadays, though, National Security is less a concept or ability than it is a talismanic incantation, as I've written about before in this space. When all other arguments fail, invoke national security to get your way from compliant Supreme Court justices and slavishly servile members of Congress ... 

Getting pushback on your expensive, over-the-top gilded ballroom? Stress the bunkers and drones and snipers that enhance national security. 

Nobody wants your garish and unnecessary "triumphal arch?" Emphasize its importance to national security and stress the number of snipers and drones it will house, and the vast amount of ammunition it will store*. 

Tired of all those black and brown people running around unsupervised? Round them up and deport them in the name of national security. 

Upset that American firms aren't able to compete with their foreign competitors? Invoke national security and launch salvos of tariffs. 

Worried that your policies and behavior are going to cost you and your party the election? Invoke national security to justify meddling in a process that has worked fine for 250 years.

You may recognize the image I used in this post to epitomize national security - the 700-foot high wall of magical ice that protected Westeros from the Wildlings and White Walkers in Game of Thrones. You can bet that Der Furor would build it along the northern and southern borders if he could, and that it would have plenty of drone ports and snipers and lasers and boiling oil to protect us from those of the wrong race, color, religion, or ethnic group who might dare try to enter Fortress America.

Abracadabra, NATIONAL SECURITY! - your Right-Cheek Ass Clown for October, 2026.

I don't feel secure. Do you?

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, as we start our annual month of Halloween-themed cartoons with ghosts ... bwa, ha, HAAAAAA! More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* In the middle of a traffic circle on a major roadway in a large city. Smart.

P.S. - I wrote this post before Missouri Senator Eric Schmitt beclowned himself in front of the Senate, the nation, and the world with a clumsy attempt to trap Judiciary Committee witness Jack Smith in perjury that blew up in his face. I was tempted to scrap the award to National Security and give it instead to Mr Schmitt, but I decided I could hardly expose his hapless ass clownery better than he'd already done himself. The memes write themselves.

B.

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for September, 2026

So far in 2026, I've presented four out-of-cycle special awards* for ass clownery, and such is the lunacy level of this misbegotten year that I was ready to present a fifth before deciding that few people deserve a special award of any type less than the characters I have chosen for today's recognition of the depths of their ass clownery.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the award for

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for September, 2026

is shared by

U.S. Treasury Secretary

Scott Bessent

and

Director of the National Economic Council

Kevin Hassett

It's hard to believe that I missed presenting an Ass Clown Award to Mr. Bessent for this long, but his towering level of incompetent ass clownery has up to now been eclipsed by that of superstars like Pete Hegseth and Robert F. Kennedy, Jr**. And as the cheerful Igor to Mr Bessent's Frankenstein, Mr Hassett has done his best to convince you and I that what we are seeing and experiencing is not real.

Let me say before we go on that you could put everything I know about economics in your navel and still have room for a herd of elephants and a brass band. But even I, struggling as I do to keep more digits to the left than to the right of the decimal point in my battered and bleeding checkbook, can see that the current regime is economically incompetent.

You may recall that The Economist, in a special report issued in October of 2024 , declared that the U.S. economy was "the envy of the world" and had "left other rich countries in the dust." Then, in November of 2024, Der Furor was elected. Now, a mere two years later, that enviable economy is in ruins, demolished by the economic illiteracy of Der Furor and the incompetence of men like Scott Bessent and Kevin Hassett. 

Here is  a list of Scott Bessent’s wrong predictions and/or promises that didn’t happen, compiled by MeidasTouch:

February 5, 2025: Long-term interest rates would come down as Trump’s economic policies took effect;

Spring 2025: The federal deficit would move toward 3% of GDP;

Spring 2025: Trump’s policies would produce roughly 3% sustained real GDP growth;

July 8, 2025: The U.S. would collect well over $300 billion in tariff revenue in 2025;

September 1, 2025: The Supreme Court would uphold Trump’s emergency tariffs;

September 7, 2025: The economy would see a “substantial acceleration” in Q4 2025; 

December 7–16, 2025: 2025 would finish with 3% to 3.5% real GDP growth;

December 16, 2025: Inflation would see a substantial drop in the first six months of 2026;

February 20, 2026: The economy could grow at least 3.5% in 2026; 

April 14, 2026: 2026 GDP growth could easily exceed 3% or 3.5%; 

April 14, 2026: Core inflation was falling and the Federal Reserve would need to cut interest rates;

April 14, 2026: Trump’s tariffs could be restored to their previous levels by the beginning of July;

June 2026: Again maintained that 2026 growth could reach roughly 3% to 3.5%;

2025–26: Lower energy prices, fiscal restraint and Trump’s policies would bring down long-term Treasury yields;

2025–26: Faster growth and tariff revenue would materially improve the federal deficit;

And finally,

September 5, 2026: Oil could eventually fall to $40–$50 per barrel after the Iran war ends. The economy is now “in the liftoff phase.”

I hope his crystal ball is still under warranty. Obviously, no cabinet secretary is ever right 100% of the time. They work with the best information they can get to make the best decisions they can. But Mr Bessent seems to be unusually poor at prognostication, despite his access to the full information resources of the federal government***. 

And lest we forget, at the recent meeting of the Group of 20 finance ministers, Mr. Bessent astonishingly blamed Ukrainian attacks on Russian oil facilities, rather than the U.S. invasion of Iran and subsequent strangling of the Strait of Hormuz and the Bab al-Mandab, for high energy prices. 

Kevin Hassett has been the primary porcine cosmetologist of the administration, happily slathering large quantities of lipstick on the economic pig bred by Der Furor and the GOP's fiscal policies, such as they are. His cheerful, smiling face is a staple on news broadcasts, backstopping Mr Bessent's assurance that what we are seeing with our own eyes is not what is really happening with the economy. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the award for the September 2026 Left-Cheek Ass Clown is presented to Scott Bessent and Kevin Hassett. In special recognition of their stewardship of the once-booming economy, each man also receives the Poop of Distinction in Gold.

Good luck with your ability to afford the next two years.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday salute to man's best friend. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* To the Arc de Trump, former Attorney General Pam Bondi, the Department of Justice, and Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth.

** Both of them previous Ass Clown Award Winners - Mr Hegseth eight times (three of them shared) and Mr Kennedy three times.

*** Which are, thanks to the work of DOGE and the sycophantic nullities seeded throughout the government by Der Furor, far less accurate and complete than they used to be.

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for September, 2026

It gets harder all the time to write these awards, given the historic levels of incompetence and corruption in government and the perversion of the generosity and goodwill that once made the United States the envy of the world. It's a depressing task, particularly since those who most need to understand the reason for the awards are the most likely to forgive the behavior upon which they cast light.

I was conflicted more than usual for this first award of September, because the behavior of so many people both in and out of government made them prime candidates for public condemnation. I considered various types of group awards, but finally decided on a simple dual presentation to the top two miserable specimens of ass clownhood.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I have decided to present the joint award for

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for September, 2026

to the extraordinarily well-qualified

Secretary of Defense (not War)

Pete Hegseth*

and

Chief Justice of the Supreme Court

John Roberts**

Pete Hegseth was as close to a no-brainer for this period's award as it gets, largely on the basis of the extraordinary damage he has done to the professional United States Army. His focus on implementing a MAGA agenda of toxic masculinity and lethality-above-all has led him to fire or force into retirement many of the service's most experienced and combat-hardened general officers. His purge of the Army has been so sweeping that, with the retirement this week of Secretary of the Army Dan Driscoll, the military’s largest service has no top civilian leader, no Senate-confirmed Chief of Staff, no Senate-confirmed  general in charge of operations, and no Senate-confirmed commander of Army troops in Europe. Mr. Hegseth's purge has left the Army, with more than 450,000 active-duty soldiers stationed around the world, with fewer experienced senior leaders than at any point in recent history. 

Some of Mr. Hegseth's actions, such as his performative (and incorrect) physical fitness demonstrations with soldiers and his order to implement testosterone screening of military personnel to ensure suitable manliness, are just silly. Far more serious are his wholesale firing of senior personnel and his utter failure to plan for and execute Der Furor's ill-considered war with Iran. When called to answer for his missteps, whether by members of Congress or reporters seeking clarity, his only response is bluster and insults, accusing questioners of insufficient patriotism and support of the military.

The second award recipient today is Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, whose award is based on his pusillanimous dissent in the case brought by the National Trust for Historic Preservation against Der Furor's destruction of the East Wing of the former White House and construction at breakneck speed of a gigantic, gilded ballroom. While the Court ruled (5-4 along largely partisan lines) that construction could continue because the National Trust lacked standing to bring the case, Justice Roberts noted timidly that the construction was "likely unlawful" in response to the majority's cop-out that "... we do not pass upon the legality of the government’s East Wing project." I guess it was just too much to ask that the Chief Justice exercise some leadership and suggest - however weakly - that his fellow justices enforce the law.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the award for the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for September, 2026, is shared by Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth and Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. We depend upon our military to defend our homeland and the Supreme Court to uphold the law. On the leaders of these two vital organizations, we depend in vain.

Have a good day. Be sure to come back tomorrow, when Cartoon Saturday celebrates the start of a new school year. Hope you remembered to buy those back-to-school clothes in a kevlar blend.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Eighth award, three of them shared.

** Fourth award, three of them shared.

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026

You may want to get something to drink and get comfortable ... this one's a major rant.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we present the award for

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026

to

The United States Congress,

with Special Recognition to

the Republican Majority

The current session of Congress, the 119th, is the least productive in history. Under the spineless and inept "leadership" of House Speaker Mike Johnson and Senate Majority Leader John Thune, Congress has accomplished nothing of consequence other than passage of Der Furor's disastrous "Big Beautiful Bill," the negative impacts of which for ordinary Americans were carefully designed to come into force after the upcoming midterm elections. The Congress, both houses of which are controlled by the increasingly authoritarian* Republican Party, has completely abdicated its Constitutional responsibilities to appropriate funds, exercise oversight of the Executive Branch, and declare war**. 

Republicans in Congress have been completely cowed by the vindictive anger of Der Furor and the unfocused rage of his MAGA faithful, to the point where they are unwilling to take the tiniest and most timid action in response to behavior which, in a Democratic president, would have heads exploding in a number that would trigger seismographs around the world. 

Republicans in Congress have turned a blind eye to the arguably immoral, illegal, and unconstitutional treatment, and even outright murder, of persons - including American citizens - at the hands of the ill-trained, over-equipped, and violence-prone agents of Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, a modern-day version of the dreaded Gestapo of Nazi Germany.

Republicans in Congress have turned a blind eye to a staggering level of overt corruption on the part of Der Furor, his family, and his cronies. 

Republicans in Congress have cheerfully confirmed a series of unqualified, incompetent, and/or corrupt figures to senior positions in the regime - Pete Hegseth at Defense (not War), Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, at Health and Human Services, Todd Blanche at Justice, Kash Patel at the FBI, Linda McMahon at Education, Howard Lutnick at Commerce, Scott Bessent at Treasury, to name but a few.

Republicans in Congress have supported the extrajudicial killing*** of persons in boats on the high seas, allegedly for transporting drugs, although no evidence of this has ever been provided by the regime.

Republicans in Congress have cheered on Der Furor's wanton alienation of our allies and ignored his obvious preference for and support of autocrats who have long been our adversaries.

Republicans in Congress have blindly supported Der Furor's war of choice against Iran, which has led to utterly predicable consequences for the military, the U.S. and world economies, and what's left of our international standing.

Republicans in Congress have ignored the grossly unprofessional, childish, and unpresidential behavior of a president who has no respect for the office he holds and the nation he represents. The unending stream of ludicrous, AI-generated social media slop alone would not be considered acceptable behavior for a middle-manager at a commercial entity, much less the former leader of the free world.

Republicans in Congress have ignored or pretended to be unaware of the unending stream of blatantly obvious untruths pouring out of the Gilded House. Any acknowledgement of such lies is tepid in the extreme, usually offering some weak rationale or blather of whataboutism.

Speaking of the Gilded House, Republicans in Congress have ignored the flagrant waste of taxpayer dollars being squandered on golden highlights on the People's House, making the Oval Office look more like the reception room of a cheap whorehouse than the seat of the democratically elected leader of a free people ... 

... or have they pushed back on the wanton destruction of an entire wing of the Gilded House to erect a vast, gilded ballroom demanded by no one but a wannabe autocrat ignorant of and indifferent to history, propriety, and the law.

I could go on, but you get the idea. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026, is the United States Congress, with Special Mention - signified by the Poop of Distinction in Gold - to the Republican majority. 

The 119th Congress is not only as useless as a potted plant ... it is as useless as a dead potted plant.

Oh, and by the way - private citizen E. Jean Carroll has done more to hold Der Furor accountable than the entire U.S. Congress.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll take a look at the original guy with the impossible job - Sisyphus. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Okay, let's just say it out loud - fascist.

** Yes, the Iran fiasco is a war, not an "excursion."

*** We used to call it "murder."

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026

With the new month comes (at least) two opportunities to highlight new paragons of ass clownery. Between wars, political buffonery, religious bigotry, and economic chicanery, ass clowns have proliferated like toadstools after a warm rain. Of course, this embarrassment of "riches" makes it difficult to single out recognition-worthy individuals or groups (or, occasionally, things), but I started this and I'll carry it through.

This time, though, I didn't have much trouble deciding on a recipient who exemplifies the very highest standards of Der Furor-era horseshittery. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, with the traditional flatulent blare of trumpets and roll of sour farts, I give you

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026

United States Attorney

for

the District of Columbia

Jeanine Pirro

Unusually enough for a senior position in Der Furor's regime, Jeanine Pirro is nominally well qualified for the position she holds. She is an attorney who has been elected and served as a county district attorney (in Westchester County, New York) and as a judge of the Westchester County court. These qualifications were likely of secondary interest in her selection for her current position ... more important was her time as a relatively popular conservative television personality: she hosted a weekday "reality" courtroom television show ("Judge Jeanine Pirro") on the CW Network from 2008-2011, then moved to Fox News to host the network's "Justice with Judge Jeanine" from January 2011 to January 22, 2022. She then moved to the Fox political talk show "The Five" as a co-host, where she remained until May of 2025, when Der Furor appointed her to her present position, following his tradition of selecting Fox News personalities who look good on television for senior jobs in his regime*.

Judge Pirro's award today is based on her shameful performance in filing felony vandalism charges against 67-year-old ex-Olympic canoe racer David Hearn, saying on July 2nd that "the evidence shows and we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hearn willfully destroyed property at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool," and that the evidence showed that Mr Hearn had been observed "forcefully and violently" tearing liner material from the bottom of the pool.

That was then. This is now.

Late Friday afternoon**, July 31st, Judge Pirro announced (to the great anger of Der Furor) that she was recommending dropping all charges against Mr Hearn, and that the damage to the Reflecting Pool had been caused by flawed installation by the contractor***, "with repeated failures of the lining during the installation process and extensive peeling of the lining throughout the Reflecting Pool," and a rush to complete the project before the Independence Day celebrations.

She blamed the original charge against Mr Hearn on incorrect information received from the Department of the Interior and - obviously - did not mention the involvement of Der Furor in the botched renovation work.

We shall see if Mr Hearn receives a formal apology and reimbursement of his legal fees for Judge Pirro's headlong rush to the judgement desired by her boss. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026, is Jeanine "She Who Folded Like an Umbrella" Pirro. I suggest you try to stay off her radar.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for a new edition of Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* In all fairness, it must be admitted that she is professionally (if not temperamentally) qualified for her position, unlike her fellow Fox News shouting head Pete Hegseth, who is busy wrecking the Department of Defense (not War).

** The usual time at which bad news is made public, so as to minimize the attention it is likely to receive.

*** Atlantic Industrial Coatings, a company suggested by Der Furor for a no-bid contract on the basis of work it had done on pools at some of his properties ... a claim he later denied.

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026

As July wheezes down to its end and we look forward to winter's cold rather than summer's blazing heat, it's time once again to heap scorn on yet another deserving ass clown. I've thought about it long and hard, and have finally unfurrowed my brow and made my choice.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we hereby recognize 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026

and the award goes to

Secretary of Homeland Security

Markwayne Mullin

Former Senator Markwayne Mullin was named Homeland Security Secretary this past March to replace the scandal-ridden Kristi Noem*, who had become an embarrassment and a liability in the position.

Mr. Mullin did not have the usual qualifications to run an organization with the responsibilities of DHS** - he did not come from a border state, lacked deep knowledge of immigration policy, did not have a background in counterterrorism, never served in the military or in law enforcement, and did not work on any of the congressional committees that directly oversee DHS and immigration. But he had two qualities valued above all others in the current regime: absolute loyalty to Der Furor; and the tough-talking, high-testosterone attitude required to compete with Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth and lead the masked, heavily-armed bullies of Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Mr Mullin passed the testosterone audition when, during a Senate hearing in November of 2023, he threatened to fight Teamsters Union president Sean O'Brien, nearly leading to a brawl before the committee chairman, Bernie Sanders, urged him to calm down, reminding him that he was a U.S. Senator. 

Mr Mullin has moved with full energy to carry out Der Furor's anti-immigrant policies, working to meet the daily arrest quotas set by Gilded House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller while steadfastly justifying the number of deaths attributed to trigger-happy ICE agents. He has also inserted himself into GOP attempts to undermine confidence in the nation's elections, warning state election officials that they could lose funding or be investigated if they fail to comply with Der Furor’s election security demands ... almost all of which constitutional law experts agree are unconstitutional. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, testosterone-fueled Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne "Stand your butt up, then" Mullin is the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026. In addition, he earns a score of 2,500,000 on the Gohmert-Greene Stupidity Scale. He should go back to running his plumbing business and ramping up his testosterone with more MMA fights rather than fights with people testifying before Congress.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for a Cartoon Saturday salute to the original giant horse's ass. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* A two-time Ass Clown Award winner herself: May 2025 Left Cheek and March 2026 Right Cheek (shared).

** As if Kristi Noem did.

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026

With the arrival of July, the year begins its downhill slide toward winter and another six months of opportunities to recognize the superstars of ass-clownery. The only thing that grows faster than the dill and oregano in my garden is the pool of potential award winners, and I spend a great deal of time trying to sift the chaff from the other chaff to make good decisions. This period was a little more difficult than most for a lot of reasons, but I think I've made the right choice. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, with a loud blare of vuvuzelas and a roll of drums, we announce selection of 

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026

and the award goes to

Der Furor*

and

FIFA President Gianni Infantino

with dishonorable mention to

Federation Internationale

de

Football Association**

As the World Cup - one of the world's premiere sporting events - raced toward its exciting final games, a major game between the United States and Belgium was tainted before it even took place as a result of improper political interference in the sport on the part of Der Furor.

During a game between the United States and Bosnia-Herzegovina, star American player Folarin Balogun received a red card and a one-game suspension from a referee after stepping on the ankle of Bosnian player Tarik Muharemovic. The red card award would have been controversial in any case, given the high stakes of World Cup games and the lesser penalties for other similar actions, but the one-game suspension meant that Balongun, the U.S. team's star scorer, would miss a critically important match against Belgium.

Well, we can't have that, can we? Der Furor - who cares about soccer and the World Cup only insofar as it provides an opportunity to demonstrate his view of American exceptionalism - called his friend Gianni Infantino*** (president of FIFA, the sport's notoriously corrupt world governing body) to complain about the penalty and to denigrate the referee as "very suspect." After their conversation, FIFA announced that the red card and one-game suspension awarded to Mr Balogun would be lifted, allowing him to play in the match against Belgium.

The reaction from other teams and national governments was, unsurprisingly, swift and angry, calling into question the integrity of the game and the legitimacy of the outcome of the pending U.S. - Belgium game. Der Furor, of course, saw nothing wrong with yet another of his "perfect" phone calls^†, this time to “... a man who’s highly respected, and by the way, whose level of respect has gone up tenfold.” For his part, Mr Infantino denied doing anything wrong, claiming that the decision to lift Balogun's penalty was made by FIFA’s disciplinary committee. 

The U.S. team lost the game to Belgium - bigly - on Monday evening by a score of 4-1, in spite of the presidential thumb on the scale.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown award for July, 2026 is shared between Der Furor and FIFA President Gianni Infantino, who have managed to cast a damaging political pall over the world's premiere sporting event, and to once again make the United States look like a spoiled bully.

But wait! There's more!! Mr. Balogun has become an example for defenders of birthright citizenship, the right enshrined in the Constitution that gives automatic citizenship to children born in the United States to foreign parents, which is despised by Der Furor and his MAGA base. It seems that Mr. Balogun - the star scorer of the U.S. men's soccer team - was born in the United States while his parents, who were born in Nigeria and lived in London, were on a trip. If Der Furor had his way, Folarin Balogun would be shooting goals for some other country. You couldn't make this stuff up.

Have a good day, and be sure to come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll raise our glasses to celebrate ... wine! See you then with more thoughts.

Bilbo

* Twenty-second award.

** Second award (previously Right-Cheek for December, 2025).

*** And the individual who dreamed up the silly "FIFA Peace Prize" to bestow upon Der Furor.

^†Like the attempted shakedown of Ukrainian President Zelenskyy that led to his first impeachment, and his notorious call to Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensburger asking him to find enough votes to throw the state's election results in his favor.

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026

Today, we announce the 380th Ass Clown Award* - the latest of my ongoing attempts to shine the light of infamy on those who exemplify noteworthily (?) despicable behavior and the waste of oxygen that might otherwise benefit trees.

Today's award goes to an individual that I can't believe I've missed before this. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we designate as

 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026

Acting Attorney General

Todd Blanche

The Office of the Attorney General of the United States was created by the Judiciary Act of 1789, and evolved over the years into the head of the Department of Justice (DOJ) and chief law enforcement officer of the Federal Government. According to the DOJ website, "The Attorney General represents the United States in legal matters generally and gives advice and opinions to the President and to the heads of the executive departments of the Government when so requested."

That's what it says, anyhow.

In practice, Mr Blanche serves as the personal shyster and designated legal hit man for Der Furor, continuing the steady weaponization of the DOJ begun by his predecessor, four-time ass clown award winner Pam Bondi. In his eagerness to achieve his dream of becoming the confirmed, rather than the acting, Attorney General, Mr Blanche has diligently abused his position in order to bring the full weight of the federal justice system to bear against the enemies, real and perceived, of Der Furor. 

It takes significant effort to get a formal request for an ethics investigation into your conduct, but Mr Blanche has gone the extra mile and achieved this questionable distinction. In a 73-page ethics complaint filed to the New York State Bar, 101 retired judges laid out a veritable deluge of complaints about Mr Blanche, including: calling into question his "competency and diligence" in failing to defend the interests of the United States in Der Furor's $10 billion lawsuit against the IRS (including numerous conflicts of interest and "dishonest and deceitful conduct"); his "Abuse of [DOJ] authorities to target personal & political opponents of the President;" and his failure to comply with the Epstein Files Transparency Act.

It is clear that Mr Blanche is focused not on the impartial administration of justice in service to the nation, but on how to abuse his position to punish Der Furor's enemies and make a laughingstock of traditional American notions of equal justice under law.

New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd wrote in March of 2019 about another of Der Furor's lawyers, Michael Cohen, in this wonderful passage,

“Trump, who once bleated 'Where’s my Roy Cohn?' in his anger about Jeff Sessions recusing himself, wanted a lawyer who was whip-smart, amoral, ruthless and predatory. Cohen was merely Renfield to Trump’s Dracula, gratefully eating insects and doing the fiend’s bidding.”

Todd Blanche has proven himself to be the latest in the long line of Renfields who have sacrificed their honor and dignity for a power-hungry narcissist who has neither. He will eventually suffer the same fate as all those who have tied their fortunes to a man interested only in what they can do for him, regardless of the personal and professional consequences. But until then, he will continue to represent not the rule of impartial law, but the iron fist of a government weaponized for the benefit of one dangerously unworthy person.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026, is Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche. We can only hope that enough members of the Senate grow spines and prevent his actual confirmation to the position ... but I'm not holding my breath, and neither should you.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for a Cartoon Saturday look at Artificial Intelligence ... heaven knows we have little enough actual intelligence around.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Comprising 365 individual/group awards and 15 Ass Clown of the Year awards.

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026

A new month brings new opportunities to recognize those who strive to distinguish themselves by rising above the prevailing high level of ass clownery. The job of singling out the awardees doesn't get any easier, but I will rise once again to the occasion and do the tough work of skimming the surface of the swirling cesspool of lunacy in search of the biggest chunk.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, it gives me no particular pleasure to announce

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026

and the award goes to

Director of National Intelligence Designee

(Recently Withdrawn)

Bill Pulte

SPECIAL NOTE: I actually wrote this award earlier in the week, when the Pulte nomination was announced. Since then, the degree of horrified pushback from both sides of the Congressional aisle led Der Furor on Thursday to withdraw Pulte's nomination and replace him with - are you ready? - yet another individual with absolutely no intelligence or military experience, Jay Clayton*, U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York and former Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC). I decided to just go ahead and give Mr Pulte this award with some minor editing, in recognition of his demonstrated willingness to abuse a position of trust in the service of Der Furor's vengeance program. Read on.

In a regime already noteworthy for the number of unqualified individuals appointed to positions of national responsibility, Der Furor's designation of real estate magnate and current director of the Federal Housing Finance Agency Bill Pulte to be the Director of National Intelligence deserves special opprobrium.

Replacing hapless nonentity Tulsi Gabbard, who at least had military service if not the required intelligence experience, with Bill Pulte, who had neither, led even a handful of spineless Congressional Republicans to question the wisdom of the appointment. Mr Pulte's sole "qualification" for the DNI position is his unquestioning and unwavering dedication to Der Furor, and his willingness to exploit his government position to support Der Furor's search for revenge against his political enemies. 

There really isn't much more to say about the appalling depths to which we have sunk when one of the most sensitive and important national security positions in the government is handed to the hackiest of political hacks.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026, is Bill Pulte, the unqualified vengeance monkey who very nearly became the nation's most senior intelligence manager and Blackmail Enabler in Chief. Our foreign enemies surely recoil in fear at the depth of our professional intelligence leadership bench.

Have a good day and be sure to come back tomorrow for a Cartoon Saturday look at the increasingly expensive luxury of dining out. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Mr Clayton does, however, offer the advantageous qualification of having been part of regime efforts to slow-walk the release of the Epstein files. 

The On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2026

As long-time readers of this blog know, I generally present my Ass Clown awards twice each month, based on the fact that most months have four Fridays available, the other two of which are dedicated to Great Moments in Editing and Signage. Twice a year, though, the calendar yields a month with five Fridays, and depending on how they fall they can allow a third Ass Clown award. 

Such is this month; the other will come in October. 

And so it is, Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, that I am able to designate

The On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2026

and the award goes to

The White House Cage Fight

Yes, friends, nothing says "happy birthday" to the United States of America and celebrates her values quite like a grotesque display of violence on the South Lawn of the White House - the same place that hosts children for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. The event, officially named "UFC Freedom 250," will be held on June 14th of this year - Flag Day and (by the sheerest of coincidences) the 80th birthday of Der Furor.

You might have thought that the 250th anniversary year of the signing of the Declaration of Independence would be an opportunity for Americans to reflect on our history - a time to think about where we started, how we've developed as a nation, where we are today, and where we want to go in the next 250 years. Unfortunately, that's not the style of our current "leadership." 

Instead of a thoughtful assessment of the lessons of history and their meaning for our future, a celebration of our accomplishments and a reckoning with our shortcomings, we will be treated to the spectacle of 14 men beating each other's brains out in front of a cheering mob of Der Furor's invited guests. Instead of the quiet, subdued dignity of the historic White House (minus, of course, the late East Wing), we'll have a garish, brightly-lit cage in which the violence so honored and espoused by Der Furor and his angry MAGA followers is offered as a symbol of our wildly distorted national values. 

Along with Der Furor's grotesquely inappropriate "Monumental Arch" and his expensive and unnecessary White House Ballroom/Drone-Proof Bunker, the UFC cage takes its place as a symbol of our diminishing stature as a nation and a people. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, it gives me no pleasure to designate The White House Cage Fight as our On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2026. It's a sad symbol of what our Founders' dream has become under a corrupt regime that has nothing but contempt for our traditional values.

Have a good day. Demand better when you cast your votes in the midterms and in the 2028 presidential election.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

It's time to announce the second of our three Ass Clown awards for the month. As usual, the competition was fierce, but in my mind, the winner was clear.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the tinfoil and toilet paper crown designating

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

is presented to

John Mark Burns

Televangelist, evangelical minister, and GOP political figure John Mark Burns, a "spiritual adviser" to the president, last week presided over the unveiling at the Trump National Doral Miami of a 22-foot golden statue of Der Furor, an event he called "... far more than a ribbon cutting. It was a moment of gratitude, honor, and remembrance,” in which he was joined by dozens of other religious figures. 

The blowback from other religious leaders was fierce, with many of them accusing Burns of idolatry and violation of the First Commandment*. The reaction was such that Burns was compelled to reply, claiming in a post on Twitter (now known as "X") that, 

"This statue was not created for worship. It was created as a symbol of resilience, patriotism, courage, and gratitude. It was created to honor a man whom many may disagree with, but millions of Americans believe has done extraordinary things to make this nation stronger."

He added,

"Let me be very clear: we worship the Lord Jesus Christ and Him alone."

Regardless of Mr Burns' protestations, the optics of a "pastor" blessing a golden idol that praises a man who embodies every one of the Seven Deadly Sins does not speak well of the piety and morality of himself or of the crowd of "religious" figures who joined him in the act. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026, is "Pastor" John Mark Burns - a man whose already thin religious credentials have been eroded by his idolatrous worship of a golden idol.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll take a cartoon look at literature. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* For those of you unfamiliar with it, it reads (depending on the version of the Bible you consult), "I am the Lord, your god; you shall have no other gods before Me."

The Ass Clown Awards - Looking Back, Looking Forward

On April 17, 2011 (fifteen years ago!) I presented the first of my Ass Clown awards - my way of singling out truly despicable people for acknowledgement of their contributions to poisoning the gene pool. The first winner was a neophyte political buffoon named Donald Trump, and I presented the award "in recognition of his boundless egotism and willingness to embrace long-discredited birther conspiracies in an attempt to make himself look like a meaningful candidate for president." 

Sadly, we all know how that worked out, and Der Furor (I can no longer bring myself to write or say his name) has received more Ass Clown awards over the past 15 years than any other individual - 21 awards, consisting of 12 individual awards, 7 shared awards, two Ass Clown of the Year awards (2015 and 2025), and a Lifetime Achievement Award presented in 2017 along with his 11th award).

Here are a few other historical observations and statistics about my Ass Clown awards:

1. As of today, I have presented 376 awards, slightly more than two per month.

2. The tradition of designating Ass Clowns by cheek (Right-Cheek and Left-Cheek) began in January, 2015. On July 31st of that year, a third available Friday necessitated a new designation - the On-Crack Ass Clown, which was originally suggested by my friend and fellow blogger John.

3. The burgeoning number of Ass Clowns led me to begin announcing the occasional Ass Clown Special Award, the first of which was presented to The Republican Party in September, 2020. I've presented a total of 25 Special Awards. 

 

4. I've presented 15 Ass Clown of the Year (ACOY) awards since 2011. Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell has won three consecutive times (2018, 2019, and 2020 - a record for successive wins), the Republican Party has won three times (2011, 2017, and 2023), Der Furor has won twice (2015 and 2025), and The American Electorate has won twice (2016 and 2024).  

5. In June of 2025, I introduced a system of designating multiple awards to the same recipient modeled on the military use of oak leaf clusters, stars, and other devices for that purpose. The second and subsequent Ass Clown Awards each earn a poison ivy cluster. The second, third, or fourth ACOY Awards earn the Poop of Distinction ... the fifth and each subsequent ACOY earns the Poop of Distinction in Gold. Unfortunately, this got to be too cumbersome, so I've stopped using it ... although I still like the idea of the Poop of Distinction, which I'm retaining for occasional future use.

Last month, in my post presenting the Left-Cheek Ass Clown Award for April, I wrote that 

"I wish I could give these awards to examples of a broader spectrum of ass clownery, but the staggeringly rich mother lode represented by the current administration in Washington has crowded out virtually every other potential awardee." 

In response to that plaintive wish, longtime reader allenwoodhaven suggested I might ease the selection problem by adopting a new category of Ass Clown awards that provides

"Some sort of special status, like Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for certain immigrants. They stay in that status until it's revoked but are otherwise (supposed to be) ignored. Their status is assumed. The equivalent could be Temporary Ass Clown Status (TACS). Repeat offenders or truly special first timers could earn the new status at your discretion. They then wouldn't be considered for regular awards because it would be assumed they're still Ass Clowns. If they ever stop being one, you could rescind it. That's probably unlikely."

I think there's merit in that suggestion. It lets me recognize ordinary levels of ass clownery without diverting attention from truly world-class ass clowns or needing to present a Special Award between cheeks. And so I have decided to introduce the Provisional Ass Clown (or PAC) award. PAC awards will be presented on an as-needed basis to ass clowns who deserve recognition, but do not rise to the level of a Right-Cheek, Left-Cheek, On-Crack, or Special award. The winner of a Provisional award can, of course, later be elevated to higher status by subsequent superior or continued acts of ass clownery.

Any comments? I don't have an inaugural PAC winner in mind yet, although the field is full of deserving weeds. 

Have a good day, and come back on Friday for the announcement of the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

Ah, a new month dawns, and with it the opportunity to highlight another collection of ass clowns. May is one of two months this year (October will be the other) that offers three, rather than just two, opportunities to present ass clown awards, and there will certainly be no shortage of drooling social, political, and religious imbeciles upon whom to shine the light of shame.

And so we forge ahead with the first of our three awards this year as we announce

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

and the the tinfoil and toilet paper crown - with the usual flatulent blare of trumpets and roll of muffled drums - goes to

Secretary of Defense (not War)

Pete Hegseth 

Today's award marks the sixth presentation (two shared and two back-to-back)* of the tinfoil and toilet paper crown to Mr. Hegseth, who retains his undisputed position as the least qualified and most incompetent Defense Secretary in the history of the office. 

Confusing bellicosity and anger with managerial and leadership competence, Mr. Hegseth continues to drive the formidable U.S. defense establishment onto the rocks of legal danger and sinking morale as he blindly follows the lead of a president with no military experience who desperately needs adult counseling as he sends American troops needlessly into harm's way.

In a contentious Senate hearing this week, Mr. Hegseth argued that the 60-day clock for the president to obtain Congressional approval for the conflict with Iran stopped when Der Furor announced a ceasefire ... setting up yet another legal question of presidential authority that will likely end up at the Supreme Court, as the law says no such thing and this administration's instinct is to rush to its heavily partisan SCOTUS when it hits legal snags. Mr. Hegseth angrily shot back at Senators and Representatives critical of the war and his management of it, accusing them of being traitors rather than acknowledging their legitimate questioning of the administration's performance. He loudly and continually praised the performance of U.S. forces, while ignoring any attempt to explain the administration's goals and the strategy it is employing to achieve them.

And you are paying record prices for gasoline at the same time that consumer prices for virtually everything are skyrocketing as a direct result of Iran's petulant refusal to admit that Der Furor and Mr. Hegseth have "won" their needless war.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026, is - for the sixth time - Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth. We're in trouble.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll pay a visit to Sisyphus ... who might well be the poster child for this administration. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* April 2025 Right-Cheek; September 2025 Special Award (shared); March 2026 Right-Cheek (shared); March 2026 Left-Cheek; and April 2026 Right-Cheek.

P.S. - I thought you might be interested to know that Pete Hegseth is in third place for the total number of Ass Clown awards earned by an individual. The top four winners at this time are:

Der Furor with 21 awards (12 individual, 7 shared, Ass Clown of the Year for 2015 and 2025, and a Lifetime Achievement Award presented in 2017 along with his 11th award)

Mitch McConnell with 13 awards (11 individual, including 3 back-to-back Ass Clown of the Year awards - 2018, 2019, and 2020, and two shared)

Pete Hegseth with 6 awards (2 shared); and,

JD Vance with 5 awards (2 shared)

B.