The President's Cabinet, Updated

A lot of things have changed in the United States since I was young. For instance, we used to have a functioning Congress* and a president who cared about the American people rather than revenge, ballrooms, triumphal arches, golden statues, golf weekends, and the color of the Eisenhower Executive Office Building and the Reflecting Pool.

I think we need to make some changes to the president's Cabinet to bring it in line with Der Furor's approach to government by graft, threats, and intimidation. At the moment, there are 15 Cabinet departments:

The Department of Agriculture;

The Department of Commerce;

The Department of Defense (not War);

The Department of Education;

The Department of Energy;

The Department of Health and Human Services;

The Department of Homeland Security;

The Department of Housing and Urban Development;

The Department of the Interior;

The Department of Justice;

The Department of Labor;

The Department of State;

The Department of Transportation;

The Department of the Treasury; and,

The Department of Veterans' Affairs

Another nine offices are "Cabinet-level," but are not actually part of the Cabinet. They are:

The Vice President;

The Chief of Staff;

The Environmental Protection Agency; 

The Office of Management and Budget;

The U.S. Trade Representative;

The Ambassador to the United Nations; 

The Small Business Administration; 

The Director of National Intelligence; and,

The Director of Central Intelligence

Here are my recommended changes to the Cabinet and Cabinet-level departments to better represent the management style and governing priorities of Der Furor and the increasingly "Christian" fascist Republican Party. Let's start with the Cabinet:

The Department of Agriculture is eliminated. Farmers complain too much and no longer provide consistent political support.

The Department of Commerce is downsized and renamed the Department of International Fiscal Extortion.

The Department of Defense (not War) is expanded to incorporate 50% of resources freed up from other downsized and eliminated departments, and is renamed the Department of Furious and Imperialistic Bellicosity.

The Department of Education is eliminated (actually already underway). Who needs an education when the average American doesn't think, anyhow?

The Department of Energy is downsized and reorganized to focus exclusively on coal and oil, and is renamed the Department of Oil and Clean, Beautiful Coal. The motto of the reorganized department is established as "Terebra, mea voluptas, terebra" ("Drill, Baby, Drill"). 

The Department of Health and Human Services is eliminated. It's not the federal government's job to take care of you, and as an American, you are free to do your own research and make your own decisions about your health.

The Department of Homeland Security is expanded to incorporate 50% of resources from other disbanded cabinet offices. Its name is changed to the Department of Deporting Non-White Undesirables to more accurately reflect the primary focus of its activities.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development is eliminated. The federal government has no business interfering in real estate markets.

The Department of the Interior is eliminated. Presidentially-selected billionaires are better qualified to manage our national parks and resources than government bureaucrats.

The Department of Justice is plussed up and becomes the Department of Presidential Vengeance and Authority Maintenance;

The Department of Labor is downsized and renamed the Department of Corporate Management Support;

The Department of State is downsized and renamed the Department of Antagonizing Allies and Justifying Inconsistent Policy Positions;

The Department of Transportation is eliminated. We have all the roads and bridges and airports we need and they're safe enough. Those things are a state and local responsibility, anyhow.

The Department of the Treasury is downsized and becomes the Department of Enriching Corporations and the Wealthy, bringing it in line with its current function.

The Department of Veterans' Affairs is eliminated. Former Service members who can't pass gender-neutral physical fitness tests or deploy on a moment's notice should no longer absorb resources that can better be spent on the latest high-tech weapons.

Turning to the Cabinet-level offices, I recommend the following changes:

The Vice President remains. Somebody needs to attend funerals and perform other duties the President feels are unimportant, unpleasant, or boring;

The Chief of Staff is replaced by a drinking bird toy. Such a toy can be purchased for much less than the cost of hiring a professional chief of staff who simply nods agreement with the president all the time.

The Environmental Protection Agency is eliminated. It impedes the smooth functioning and profitability of business. 

 

The Office of Management and Budget is downsized to a single person. Only one employee is required to rubber-stamp presidential wishes;

The U.S. Trade Representative remains and is redesignated as the U.S. Tariff Threat Coordinator**;

The Ambassador to the United Nations remains, but is redesignated as Principle Spokesman for Delivering Threats and Supporting Autocrats; 

The Small Business Administration is eliminated. Small businesses negatively impact the profitability and operational flexibility of large corporations run by presidential campaign donors.  

The Director of National Intelligence remains and is refocused as the Director of Cherry-Picking Intelligence to Justify Presidential Actions; and,

The Director of Central Intelligence remains and is refocused as the Director of Explaining Complex International Threats to the President in Fourth-Grade Terms.

As long as Der Furor is intent on remaking the Federal Government, Washington, DC, and the rest of the country in his desired image, we may as well go whole hog.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* I think we could save a lot of money if we just eliminate Congress, since we're not using it. In any case, it wouldn't surprise me if Der Furor decided to do that, anyhow, since he has only contempt for it. 

** The Administration prefers the use of "man" as the general designation of an incumbent, regardless of sex.