I am so angry about the juvenile shenanigans of Congress as they cobble together the health care reform bill that I could spit nails. The Republicans are acting petty and stupid (if all the better argument you can muster is a filibuster, you're intellectually bankrupt), and the Democrats are acting greedy and irresponsible (in order to buy the support of Senator Ben Nelson, my tax dollars will provide full, permanent federal funding for Medicaid eligibility to everyone in Nebraska below 133 percent of the federal poverty level). I wish I had enough coal, gravel, and sawdust to properly fill all their stockings. I don't know how any of these miserable excuses for public servants can look at themselves in the mirror.
So...
In order to get over my anger and get myself centered once again in the holiday spirit, I have decided to share with you the heartwarming story of why, when we decorate our Christmas trees, we always put a little angel on the top...
It was many, many years ago, and it was a very difficult pre-Christmas season at the North Pole. Santa was far behind schedule with toy production: his latest shipment of toy components from China was contaminated with melamine and lead paint and had to be rejected; the Elves and Toymakers Union Local 001 was on strike for improved working conditions; the French government had denied overflight rights for his sleigh; and his security guards had intercepted two suicide elves dispatched from Gaza by the Hamas government to disrupt his "infidel and unislamic" activities. The latest hay delivery contained some spoiled hay, and the reindeer were flying around the North Pole and relieving themselves everywhere. It was the wrong time of the month for Mrs Santa, and she was haranguing Santa for not paying more attention to her legitimate needs and wants. Santa retreated to his office for some peace and quiet, hoping to catch up on his bookkeeping, but his quill pen broke and spread a huge blob of ink across the columns of numbers in his ledger.
Santa threw the broken quill into the wastebasket and put his head in his hands, ignoring the constant ringing of his phone and the chanting of the striking elves parading under his window. Suddenly, the door to his office flew open!
There in the doorway stood a beautiful little angel, holding up a gorgeously decorated tree that twinkled with lights and ornaments and beautifully wrapped little gifts. The angel looked at Santa, her big eyes bright and shining with love, and gently asked,
"Hey, Santa! Where should I put this tree?"
I love that story. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. And it reminds me of what Congress is giving us for Christmas.
Have a good day. Stay warm.
More thoughts tomorrow.
Bilbo
Showing posts with label Bah Humbug. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bah Humbug. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Company Christmas Party
Good morning! Can you hear my muscles screaming from all the snow shovelling yesterday? That was a lot easier when I was almost 20 than it is when I'm almost 60.
Since all that shovelling has put me back into the "Bah, Humbug!" spirit, I thought I'd share this ya-ha that my friend Debbie sent me. I still like Debbie, even though she lives in the lake effect snow area of upstate New York and doesn't have any sympathy for those of us suffering under our measly 18-24 inches of snow. Sigh. Here, told in memos, is the heartwarming story of The Company Christmas Party...
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 16, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 17, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 18, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 19, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All &%^#$@! Employees
DATE: November 20, 2009
RE: The &%^#$@! Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your &%^#$@! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you &%^#$@! wierdos can kiss my &%#!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 23, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
**********
Happy holidays to you and yours from snowed-in Northern Virginia.
Have a safe, warm day. More thoughts tomorrow.
Bilbo
Since all that shovelling has put me back into the "Bah, Humbug!" spirit, I thought I'd share this ya-ha that my friend Debbie sent me. I still like Debbie, even though she lives in the lake effect snow area of upstate New York and doesn't have any sympathy for those of us suffering under our measly 18-24 inches of snow. Sigh. Here, told in memos, is the heartwarming story of The Company Christmas Party...
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 16, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 17, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 18, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 19, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All &%^#$@! Employees
DATE: November 20, 2009
RE: The &%^#$@! Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your &%^#$@! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you &%^#$@! wierdos can kiss my &%#!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!
**********
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 23, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
**********
Happy holidays to you and yours from snowed-in Northern Virginia.
Have a safe, warm day. More thoughts tomorrow.
Bilbo
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