When Life Gives You Lemons ...

The old motivational adage says that "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." The meaning, of course, is that you should always look for ways to turn misfortune to your advantage. It doesn't always work, but it sounds good.

Perhaps one of the ultimate lemonade moments came recently for the city of Portland, Oregon, where hydoelectric turbines have been installed in one of the main water pipelines to use the pressure of running water produce electricity. The advantage is clear: each time you hit that handle on your toilet, the pressure generated by the flush helps to power your television so that you can watch more C-SPAN coverage of Congress doing nothing.

But satire aside, it behooves us to look for new sources of both renewable (such as solar, wind, and hydroelectric) and nontraditional (such as flush-generated) energy. There's a scene in the great* comedy film Kentucky Fried Movie in which scientists search for new sources of oil, extracting it from teenagers' faces and recycling used combs.  That's all well and good, but we need far more energy nowadays than can be generated by such measures. Here are a few of my ideas ...

1. Install thousands of wind turbines in concentric circles around Capitol Hill. The wind energy generated while Congress is in session will pay for the installation within days.

2. In addition to the wind turbines, install thermal collectors to take advantage of the superheated air generated during congressional debates**.

3. Replace all 435 desks in the Senate and House chambers with human-sized hamster wheels to capture the energy of our elected reprehensives running in circles ...

4. Install generators connected to banks of revolving doors to capture the as-yet untapped energy of members of Congress and their aides shuttling back and forth to lobbyists' offices.

5. Take advantage of the latent energy represented by the mountains of cash masquerading as constitutionally-protected free speech. Because worn-out banknotes are usually destroyed by burning, require that members of Congress and their staffs periodically exchange their accumulated bales of older campaign contributions for fresh currency, so that the older banknotes can be burned and the resulting energy used to provide a new source of power for Senate and House office buildings.

Do you have any other ideas for nontraditional sources of energy we might tap? Leave a comment. The nation is counting on you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* This opinion is not shared by Agnes, who has often threatened to destroy my copy of Kentucky Fried Movie if she ever finds where I've hidden it.

** By "debates," I mean "political posturing, finger-pointing, and coup-counting masquerading as principled discussion of serious issues."

New Year's Irresolutions

We are now two days into 2014. Had I chosen to make any New Year's resolutions, I would surely have broken most of them by now ... that's just how it goes.

To the extent that I might have made any New Year's resolutions, here are a few that might have made the list:

Demonstrate - in practical, everyday ways - how much I love Agnes, my children, and my grandchildren;

Read more books (starting with all the ones on my shelves and in my iPad that I've bought but haven't read yet);

Write more letters (with pen and ink on paper, as opposed to e-mail);

Keep up the blog; and,

Refrain from doing anything that might elicit the attention of the coroner, no matter how great the provocation*.

Actually, it's much easier to make make New Year's resolutions for other people, and so I offer these suggestions:

For Congress: get your heads out of your collective backsides and do your job. Try putting the good of the country ahead of your political fantasies for a while - you may find you get more done.

For the Kardashian family: sit down and shut up.

For Rush Limbaugh: you sit down and shut up, too.

For Faux News: learn the difference between "news" and "opinions."

For MSNBC: you, too.

For Miley Cyrus: invest in a wardrobe with a higher coverage-to-cost ratio.

For Kanye West: buy a copy of a good book on good manners and read it. Have someone read it to you if you have trouble.

For all rap and hip-hop "musicians": take a music appreciation course. Take notes. Use them.

For the Tea Party: please just go away.

For Code Pink and PETA: you just go away, too.

That'll do for a start. What New Year's resolutions would you recommend for others? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* And the provocation is very great every day.

Bilbo's Comprehensive Immigration Reform Plan, Revisited

As we gear up for another year of the useless name-calling and finger-pointing that has replaced good government at the national level, the list of critical problems the 113th Congress will try to avoid is lengthening daily. Fortunately for our elected reprehensives, though, there is one problem they will not need to take up - immigration reform. The reason? (sound trumpets and launch rounds of self-congratulatory back-patting here): Bilbo has long ago solved the problem! Of course, although I sent copies of my plan to the President, my Senators, and my district representative, all I got back was a collection of form letters on handsome letterheads, thanking me for my interest in this critical problem which (insert name of President/Senator/Representative here) is working tirelessly to address, blah, blah, blah.

Don't let the door hit you in the backside on your way out.

But a new year is dawning, a new Congress has been sworn in (and at), and it's time to dust off my plan and send it out again. Those of you who have been reading this blog will recognize this as the plan I first floated in 2008, and have updated a few times since, but I encourage you to read it again and give me your critical thoughts. If you like it, you might even send a copy to your own Congressional delegation. Here we go again ...

First, let's recognize that the nation’s immigration problem has lots of interrelated elements:

- Calling a Spade a Pointy Shovel: No one is willing to say out loud that the problem is not with immigration per se, but with illegal immigration … illegal immigrants and their apologists who insist on their protections under American law conveniently ignore the fact that their very presence indicates a willingness to obey the law only when it is convenient to do so;

- Even if the flow of new illegal immigrants were stopped tomorrow, there would still be millions of illegal immigrants already here;

- Constitutional Rights and Protections: American traditions of Constitutionally protected rights of privacy, due process, and equal justice under the law limit the constitutionality and legality of many actions that might be taken in other countries;

- Race: those who imply that illegal immigration is a problem and that illegal immigrants are breaking the law are often branded as racists (a convenient and over-used ad hominem attack). Organizations like La Raza* protect illegal immigrants purely on the basis of racial and ethnic solidarity, without regard for the negative effect on the much larger population of legal immigrants;

- Economics 1: Illegal immigrants provide a badly-needed pool of cheap, unskilled labor for jobs many Americans don’t want, and help keep business costs and, therefore, prices down by working for minimum or below-minimum wage;

- Economics 2: Illegal immigrants, without proper documentation or status, do not pay taxes and yet are able to take advantage of public services (schools, hospitals, police and fire protection, etc) funded by those who do (and this category includes not just citizens, but legal immigrants as well).

These are just a few of the interrelated issues that complicate any meaningful attempt to reform our badly broken immigration system. Each one is difficult by itself, and when taken together, they imply that the problem is beyond solution. But what if we take a comprehensive approach, and try to devise a solution that addresses more than one element at a time? Consider …

Bilbo's Comprehensive Immigration Reform Plan, 2013

Congress begins by enacting legislation to create a new category of immigration status – the “Provisional Resident Alien (PRA)” – and designates the status with a new form of identification – let’s call it the “Blue Card.” Anyone who is in the United States illegally on the date of enactment will have a grace period of six months to register for PRA status and obtain a Blue Card without fear of arrest, imprisonment, or deportation on any immigration violation charge. They would, of course, remain subject to arrest for outstanding criminal violations unrelated to their immigration status.

Those registering as PRAs must pay a fine of $1000 per person or $5000 per family (whichever is less) for the privilege of obtaining that status. This fee does two things: it imposes a penalty for having broken the law in the first place, and it partially funds the cost of the new program. This provides something for those who oppose blanket amnesty, because it imposes a financial penalty for the willful violation of the law. Many churches and immigrant rights organizations will object to the fine because they think it’s either unfair or too much for poor immigrants to pay; such organizations may demonstrate their concern and willingness to help by paying the fine for those who are unable pay it themselves.

Once a person has been granted PRA status, he or she will be required to obtain a valid social security number, and will be entitled to the same rights, privileges, and services as other legal immigrants; in exchange, they will be required to obey all laws, pay all taxes, enroll in basic English classes (if they do not speak English already), and otherwise act as responsible members of American society. They will enjoy the protection of labor laws which require payment of the minimum wage and, with a legal status, will no longer be subject to exploitation by unscrupulous employers.

Initial PRA status will be valid for five years. At the end of this period, the individual must report to the immigration authorities with proof of employment and proof that taxes have been paid. If these conditions are met, the individual may either extend the PRA status for another five years, or apply for citizenship. Citizenship is not automatic – it will still have to be earned through the same application and naturalization process completed by many millions of legal immigrants throughout our history, with the clock starting at the end of the current PRA period, regardless of how long the individual has already been in the country. This protects the interests of those who have followed the legal immigration process by preventing previously-illegal immigrants in PRA status from “jumping the line” for quick citizenship.

On the date the grace period for seeking PRA status ends, anyone who has not registered will be subject to arrest and deportation, without the opportunity to appeal. Because the great majority of previously-illegal immigrants will almost certainly have taken advantage of the opportunity to legalize their status by becoming PRAs, the much smaller number remaining in an illegal status can be assumed to be those with criminal records. Immigration authorities can concentrate their efforts and resources on tracking down this much smaller number of scofflaws and dangerous individuals.

Next, amend the citizenship laws to state that children born within the United States obtain automatic citizenship only if both parents are either US citizens, legal Resident Aliens (not PRAs), or a combination of the two**. This will help reduce the problem of “anchor children” used to establish legal residency for people otherwise here illegally.

On the date the law is enacted, most immigration enforcement agents will be transferred to border security duty to crack down on new illegal immigration. Border security will be enhanced and those caught attempting illegal entry will be summarily deported after being photographed and fingerprinted. Facilitation of illegal immigration (whether by “coyotes” who help smuggle illegals across the border or by those who knowingly employ illegals) will be made a felony, as will a second attempt at illegal immigration.

On the date the grace period for PRA registration ends, a set of very steep fines and jail sentences will go into effect for businesses and individuals hiring persons who are in the country illegally (i.e., without a Green or Blue Card). This will help to remove the economic incentive for businesses to support illegal immigration.

Employers will be responsible for reporting to the immigration authorities any change in the employment status of a PRA. A person in PRA status who is fired or laid off from a job and does not get another one within a prescribed period (say, six months ... the period to be adjustable depending on the economy and job market) loses his or her status and must leave the country until otherwise eligible to enter in that status in the future.

This takes care of those who are in the country illegally today. But comprehensive immigration reform must also address the need for a responsible and responsive program to allow unskilled, low-wage workers to enter the country to take jobs that might otherwise go unfilled. PRA status can be used for these persons, too. Businesses would project their labor requirements, and the State Department would make an appropriate number of PRA visas available to meet the need. Immigrants would then apply at the US embassy or consulate in their home country for PRA status covering any period of time from six months to five years, and need only maintain a job, pay taxes, and learn English in order to maintain their status. At the end of five years, they would also have the opportunity to apply for citizenship.

This plan won’t please everyone, but that’s the nature of a compromise, and the ability to compromise is what has been missing from political discourse in this country for too long. The advantages of my plan are:

1. It offers a way to legitimize the persons already here illegally (who, after all, are too numerous and well-protected to be rounded up and deported), but imposes a fine on them as a condition of legalizing their status (i.e., no reward for having broken the law in the first place).

2. It funds itself, in part, through the fines collected from those applying for PRA status.

3. It provides resources for increased border security by freeing up immigration agents who otherwise spend their days fruitlessly hunting down people already in the country illegally.

4. It provides a pathway for low-wage workers to legally enter the country and take advantage of economic opportunities not available to them at home, while contributing to the US economy in taxes.

5. It eases the pressure on public services by ensuring that more people have jobs and are thus better able to pay for their medical care and, through their taxes, for the education of their children.

6. It removes the incentive for businesses to hire and exploit illegal immigrants who cannot seek their rights for fear of exposure and deportation.

I see two downsides to my plan: 

1. The prices on some goods which have been kept artificially low because of the availability of cheap, illegal immigrant labor, will rise. We will, for example, almost certainly pay more for the produce picked by immigrants who are finally being paid a decent wage. But I believe that in the long run, this plan represents a good start toward a stronger America and a better life for those who would share in its dream. 

2. It establishes a requirement for an expanded bureaucracy to administer it, which is anathema to small-government conservatives. While this is true, it is also an example of the need to address a sort of problem that must be addressed at the national level. And, it must be noted, the requirement for PRA applicants to pay a fine does provide at least partial funding for the program.

So, Dear Readers, what do you think? How can this plan be tweaked to make it better? Send me your ideas as a comment, or e-mail them to me at der_blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com. Next weekend, I'll send copies of this plan to the usual suspects once again, and we'll see what sort of reaction I get this time.

Have a good day. Think outside the box. 

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* The National Council of La Raza (http://www.nclr.org/) - an organization dedicated to the support and advancement of Americans of Hispanic origin.

** This will require revision of the 14th Amendment to the Constitution, which states that “All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.” A reasonable change might be “All persons born in the United States to parents who are native or naturalized citizens or legal residents of the United States, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.” 

Husbandly Duties

As a husband (and if you're one already, you'll know what I'm talking about), there are a lot of duties you are expected to perform. These are not always made clear to you before you actually tie the matrimonial knot, although they are buried deeply in the fine print at the bottom of the marriage license, easy to overlook in your eagerness to get to the Opening Night Special.

One of those duties is the dreaded "Accompany Your Wife/Significant Other While She Buys Clothes" ...

Pay attention, men, because I am going to impart some hard-won knowledge to you.

When you are unable to provide a convincing excuse for not accompanying your lady on a clothes-buying expedition*, it is important for you to understand why your presence is required. There are two primary reasons: (1) watch over her 87-pound purse and (2) respond to questions that have no good answer. We will address each of these in due course. Here are Bilbo's Tips for Surviving a Shopping Expedition with Your Wife/Significant Other^TM.

First, prepare yourself in advance. Ensure you have had enough to eat and drink, and be sure to have made a proper bathroom stop before departing on the expedition. You will not be able to find sustenance or relieve yourself while on duty unless there is a brief transition period between stores.

Second, seek out the most comfortable available seat in the Husbands' Corral. Most purveyors of ladies' garments have such a place, which usually has an insufficient number of uncomfortable seats for the number of glassy-eyed men patiently waiting and wishing they were almost anyplace else. The Husbands' Corral is generally well-stocked with tattered, four-year-old copies of Elle, Vogue, and similar magazines, and so ...

Take a book along. Or two. Better yet, take your Kindle, iPad, or similar device and ensure it is well-stocked with unread titles. You'll have plenty of time to read.

Next, understand that there is no safe answer to many ... if not most ... questions you will be asked. For instance, if you are asked "Does this make me look fat?", the appropriate answer is "No, dear," unless the garment in question prominently features the Goodyear logo. Also, beware the Endless Loop query, which usually goes something like this:

Lady: "Which one of these do you like better - this one" (holds up a garment) "or this one?" (holds up another garment).

You (pointing): "That one."

Lady: "Why don't you like this one?" (holds up the garment you didn't select).

You: "I do like it, but you asked which one I liked better."

Lady: "Yes, but why don't you like it?"

You: "I do like it, I just like the other one more."

Lady: "Yes, but why don't you like it?"

You: "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!"

Do not make the mistake of evaluating, whether verbally or visually, the potential purchases being modeled by nubile young ladies with whom you did not arrive at the store. Your insurance** will not cover any injuries that result. Corollary: avoid making any disapproving noises or rolling your eyes when you see a woman proudly modeling a garment so hideously inappropriate for her that it makes your gorge rise. It's her boyfriend/husband/significant other who will have to live with it, not you, and he won't appreciate being reminded of it.

Finally, ensure you are in superb physical condition before setting out on a Shopping Expedition, because you will end up loaded like a rented mule, and may be weak from hunger after many hours in the Husbands' Corral.

And those, friends, are the basic elements of Bilbo's Tips for Surviving a Shopping Expedition with Your Wife/Significant Other^TM. There are other minor rules and corollaries, but if you observe the ones I've shared with you today, you will have an even chance of returning home safely. Be strong. Other men have survived the experience, and so will you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* A note signed by the coroner is usually, but not always, sufficient.

** Assuming you are lucky enough to have any.

Shopping for Men

Gifts are always a problem.

We give them for birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, weddings, and a host of other reasons, but giving a gift is never a simple thing. We worry about what the recipient will or won't like. We worry about what gifts other people are likely to give so that we don't give a duplicate gift or - worse - give a gift that looks inadequate by comparison. We worry about how much to spend ... a gift too expensive makes us look gauche, while one too inexpensive makes us look, well, cheap. Most ladies have drawers full of expensive, uncomfortable, or downright embarrassing lingerie purchased for them by men who have ignored the inverse relationship between price and amount of material used in construction ... lingerie worn once, if at all. Most men have racks of ties they would only wear if a hangman was tying the knot.

In short, gift-giving can be a pain in the neck*.

Ladies, though, have it easy when buying gifts for men - just follow these simple rules and you can't go wrong ...

Rule #1: When in doubt, give him a cordless drill. It doesn't matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. A man can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: Buy him anything for his car. Price doesn't matter - a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror will be received as well as a set of custom-tooled alloy wheels. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks, ties, or bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented underwear.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. Always buy a remote that is bigger and has more buttons than the one you are replacing. A backlit digital display is also a plus. Even better is a fancy touch-screen model. It'll keep him busy and keep his mind off sex for hours at a time, especially if you buy a new 596-inch plasma flat-panel TV to go with it.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man fancy liqueurs. If you do, they will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey, beer, or simple cocktails like martinis.

Rule #7: Do not buy a man after shave. He is unlikely ever to be open the package, much less use it. Men prefer the ... um ... earthy smell.

Rule #8: Label makers. These are almost as good a gift as cordless drills. Be sure to buy ones that have as many buttons and assorted controls as possible. Within days there will be labels on everything in the house. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Pets. Door. Lock. Sink. Children. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Of course, if assembly requires use of a cordless drill or label maker, that's different.

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they don't like to cook, but love to  barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank and tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to any sporting event are generally a can't-miss gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a chainsaw for a man you love. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Don't thank me ... it's all part of my ongoing effort to help you cope with the stresses of daily life.

It's Friday, and the weekend beckons. We'll talk about weekend plans tomorrow, after Cartoon Saturday ... be here.

Have a good day. More cartoonish thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* My birthday is in November. E-mail me for a suggested gift list.

Going Postal, Just More Slowly

The financial woes of the US Postal Service are old news. The combination of rising costs, a decline in the desire to write letters and the skills to do so, and the advent of near-instantaneous electronic communication has led to a situation in which the Postal Service is losing some five billion dollars per year. Something has got to give.

And it has.

The Postal Service is considering a number of changes that will help it to survive, including raising postal rates, eliminating Saturday deliveries, closing smaller post offices, replacing Zip Codes with Plod Codes, and selling under-performing postmasters to medical schools for use in anatomy classes. The end effect of these changes will be to require us to pay more for less, and slower, service. What does the Postal Service think it is ... Congress?

In fact, the speed of delivery of first-class mail will likely reach the speed of delivery attained by Benjamin Franklin's original post office department in 1775, when the mail was delivered on horseback, going from an average delivery time of one to three days to an average of two to five days. We'll go from this ...

To this ...

If Amanda thinks it takes a long time for my letters to move from Virginia to Australia now, she ain't seen nothin' yet.

You can read the full story in this interesting article on CNN.

There may be an economic silver lining for the Postal Service inside this dark cloud, though, as long as they're willing to think outside the (mail) box and get creative about raising revenue. For example, they could return to mail delivery on horseback, and charge customers for the manure left at their mailboxes as a by-product of delivery.

The Postal Service could also help battle the national epidemic of obesity by hiring overweight people to deliver the mail on foot, particularly in hilly locations. Even if they're slow, who'd notice?

And instead of hanging wanted posters in post offices, photos of wanted criminals could be printed on stamps so that letter carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail.

In a related story, I have finally finished my Christmas letter. I don't think it's one of my best, but at least it hits the high points and it's finally done. Now I can apply for a loan to pay the postage, and start getting our Christmas cards into the mail, where they should reach their intended destinations in three to five months days.

If your card or letter is late, it's not my fault.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo