Taking a Short Break

Well, Dear Readers, we're just two days out from Thanksgiving, and those are going to be very busy days. There's a house to clean*, last-minute shopping to do, and food to be prepared in advance. I'm going to be a pretty busy guy**.

And so this will be my somewhat truncated post for today. I don't plan to post anything tomorrow, but the posts for Thanksgiving Day, the Friday Editorial and Signage Gems, Cartoon Saturday, and Musical Sunday are already written and scheduled to publish. I'll be back again with my normal ranting and raving on Monday the 28th.

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. If you're following me on Facebook, I'll have occasional commentary and pictures there.

See you on Monday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* One of my friends suggested just re-routing a small river through it, but that would make the job even more herculean.

** Forget raking the leaves. I'm not raking any more leaves. Three times already is enough. Anyhow, the latest revealed wisdom says to just leave them in place to protect and fertilize the lawn. I'm good with that.

Watch This Space

These relaxing weekends will be the death of me, yet.

Those of you (like Mike, John, Andrea, Amanda, and Kathy, among others) who are also my friends on Facebook* already have an idea of what sort of weekend it has been at Chez Bilbo. And since I haven't had the time to properly organize all the pictures and stories from that busy weekend, I have decided to give myself the day off to catch up on all the things I didn't get done over the weekend, and to prepare a better post for tomorrow. I'd like to think I've built up some credit for regular posting that will let me skate for one measly day ...

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for the stories and pictures of a heckuva weekend.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* If you would like to join me on Facebook, too, send an e-mail to der(underscore)blogmeister(at)yahoo.com, and I'll send you the information for a friend request.

Hateful Phrases

Yesterday I ran across an article aimed at small businesspeople that everyone in business or government ... or any service-related position ... ought to read: 5 Phrases Customers Hate the Most. You can read the entire article if you want, but here are the Big Five:

"That's our policy." The author of the article says he usually responds to this weak dodge by saying, “Your internal policy decisions have nothing to do with my expectations of customer satisfaction.” I would just say something like, "I understand. My policy is to take my business elsewhere, and take as many of your customers as I can with me. Would you like to try again?"

"There's nothing I can do." Of course there's something you can do ... you can pull your head out of your backside and connect me with someone who has a functioning brain.

"Would you mind holding for a moment?" This one is bad enough, but even worse is when the person on the other end answers the phone, says "ABC Company, please hold," and then immediately sends you to Holding Hell to listen to cheezy music and recorded ads without giving you the option to say "no."

"You'll have to go to our website." I really hate this one ... generally because I've already been to the website and need to talk to a human being.

And,

"That's the manufacturer's responsibility." No, ass clown, it's not the manufacturer's responsibility ... I bought the item from you, and you were happy enough to take my money without having me send it straight to the manufacturer. How about taking responsibility for the item you sold, eh?

Each of these is totally infuriating to Real People who are trying to get service or a simple answer to a question. My experience over the years is that it usually takes at least three phone calls to different people in any organization to finally get to the person who can actually help, or is willing to do so.

I've found that it sometimes helps if I ask for the name of the person I'm talking to, and make a point of saying that I'm noting the date and time of the call. Asking to be transferred to a supervisor sometimes helps also, although it usually comes at the cost of being put on hold yet again.

Here are a few more irritating phrases ...

"Your call is important to us, so please continue to hold." My call is obviously not important ... otherwise, someone would have answered it.

"Press one for (insert choice here)." The degree of infuriation here is compounded when I press the correct number and am connected either to another set of numeric menus or to someone whose English is so abysmal as to be unintelligible.

"Can I have your customer number, please?" This one is legitimate, but becomes infuriating when you've already entered the requested number at the beginning of the call, before being connected to a human being.

And finally,

"This call may be monitored and recorded to ensure customer service." Oh, come on ... the only thing being recorded is my phone number, so that you can sell it to someone else who can call me at inconvenient times to ask stupid questions or try to sell me something I don't need or want.

So, Dear Readers, how about you? What are the phrases that make you grind your teeth in helpless rage? Leave a comment for ol' Uncle Bilbo ... you don't even have to talk to someone in Bangalore to do it.

Have a good day. Don't bother holding ... just come back tomorrow. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Constitution: The State of the Union

One of the annual high points of political theater here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac is the President's State of the Union address (the SOTU, delivered by the POTUS, as insiders call it) to a joint session of Congress.

As I discussed in my post on Article II of the Constitution, which enumerates the powers of the Executive Branch of the government, the Constitution really doesn't give the President the authority to do much of anything without the "advice and consent" of Congress. One of the few actually enumerated duties of the President is this one, spelled out in Section 3 of Article II:

"He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient..."

For many years, the President communicated this information to Congress in writing. Indeed, Thomas Jefferson didn't want to appear before Congress in person because he believed it was too much like the British king's addresses to opening sessions of Parliament in which he (the king) delivered instructions and mandates, rather than providing information and seeking support for his measures. It's only in the fairly recent era that presidents have appeared in person to deliver a live address (not like they'd deliver dead ones). You can read a brief history of the State of the Union address here, and read every single State of the Union address ever presented here.

State of the Union speeches tend to be more political theater than informative discourse. In an era of non-stop, 24/7 news delivery, leaks of information to the press (either deliberately by the administration or maliciously by various insiders), and an unbridled and raucous free press, there's no element of surprise ... no news, as it were ... in a SOTU. The draft of the SOTU is circulated widely throughout the government for review and comment weeks ahead of time, and so - by the time the President stands at the rostrum to start talking - everyone already knows what he is going to say, and whether they'll jump up and applaud wildly at the right places (this year, like the Democrats) or sit on their hands and glower angrily (this year, like the Republicans). Indeed, well before President Obama delivered his SOTU this past Tuesday, House Speaker John Boehner had already described it as "pathetic."

Has the SOTU outlived its usefulness in the all-information-all-the-time era? I believe it has, at least as we've grown used to it. All it does is give Presidents a chance to look presidential, opposition parties to growl out their "response" to the president's message with bile and false sincerity, and piss off television audiences who see their favorite shows displaced. I think that regular communication between the President and the Congress, perhaps in the form of something like a written monthly or quarterly activity report, would accomplish more and reduce the level of useless theatricality.

It won't happen, though, because there's too much opportunity for all that political theater. Presidents love to be on television, Congress loves the opportunity to mug for the cameras, and we've all come to expect the annual ritual.

But I still like my idea better.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Making the World Safe from Monsters

Very quickly this morning, as I have much to do today ...

You may not have realized it, but our poor world is infested with monsters, and Leya and I are working hard on your behalf to scare them all away ...

I only wish it would work with gun nuts, Tea Party zealots, and the radical fringes of the Occupy (insert street or city name here) movement. But I guess that means we just have to work that much harder.

Rest easy ... we're on the job for you.

Have a good day. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

How I Spent My Weekend

1. Took a last load of junk to the landfill. Decided that when I grow up, I want to be the guy who drives the huge front-end loader that picks up the loads of crushed junk and dumps it into the trucks to be taken away.

2. Spent two hours on Saturday being run ragged around a playground under the blazing sun by a hyperkinetic almost-four-year old with an amazing ability to invent games that involve Oma and Opa climbing around and doing things on jungle gyms that 60-year olds really aren't flexible enough to do.

3. During breaks in the frenetic activity described in #2 above, told stories (with sound effects) to the grandchild. Had to go back periodically and re-tell sections of the stories when Leya told me that I was doing it wrong. Had to think very quickly on my feet each time Agnes asked Leya, "Do you know the story of ______? Okay, Opa, tell the story!" ... and I had no clue what she was talking about.

4. Walked Nessa about 350 miles.

5. Finished power-washing the deck.

6. Pulled all the weeds in the front flower beds and the garden that could be seen on Google Earth.

7. Did a load of laundry. Just one. No sense in overdoing things.

8. Shook head in disgust over the behavior of elected reprehensives who are more interested in pandering to their political base than in actually fixing the economy and helping Real People.

9. Wondered why it is that hours on Saturday and Sunday are 65% shorter than equivalent hours on Monday through Friday.

10. Isn't that enough?

That's all for today. I need to get ready to head back to the salt mines for another week ... or may be it's my seat on the galley. It doesn't matter, though, and I'm not complaining - at least I have a job.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The New Laws of the Workplace

This week is now officially two-for-two on the suck meter. I shouldn't complain, because I have a job and many other people don't, but it's still depressing ... and others in my office have it much worse than I do.

Feeling sorry for me yet? I didn't think so. (Mike, insert snarky "ha-ha-I'm-retired" comment here)

Speaking of Mike, according to his comment on yesterday's post, he evidently had a hard time accessing my blog for much of the day. Did anyone else have any trouble? Don't answer if you still can't access the blog and, thus, aren't able to read this.

But back to business: here, from my vast collection of Blog Fodder, is a good summary of the new laws of the workplace:

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

The difference between a pat on the back and a kick in the butt is only a few inches.

Don't be irreplaceable ... if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before ... unless you are wealthy and contribute to political campaigns.

The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to get. (Corollary: your reward for doing a good job is the opportunity to do more, on a shorter deadline.)

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. (This is absolutely true ... trust me.)

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. (Unfortunately, this doesn't work well any more because pollution and global warming is killing off the toads.)

When the boss talks about improving productivity, he's not referring to him (or her-) self.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." (It's true ... that's how our office file plan works.)

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. These errors will be so obvious that the recipient of the letter will automatically think you are an idiot and disregard the actual content of the letter.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (Corollary 1: the person designated to attend a pop-up meeting is the one who can be spared at the time. Corollary 2: that person is the one least-qualified to attend. Corollary 3: the pop-up meeting will turn out to be critically important.)

The amount of time you will be given to review and comment on a document is inversely proportional to its criticality. (Corollary: If you have five working days to review a document, the actual amount of time you will get is fifteen minutes, because the rest of the time is needed for everyone above you in the chain to review and comment on the work you did.)

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. (Brenda, this is for you!)

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. (I've got that one down pat.)

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" (Agnes's Corollary: "Just shoot 'em!")

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

That's all for now. Time to go back to work for more fun.

Yee-hah!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Accounting for Time

When I retired from the Air Force and entered corporate America, I had to learn a hard lesson: I was still expected to be available to work whenever, wherever, but now I had to account for every hour I spent doing things on the job. The vehicle by which this is accomplished is called a time sheet, and each company uses a series of official alphanumeric codes to show what work is being accomplished and which contract has to pay for it. For example, ordinary work might have the code A9094672, while time spent sick might be indicated as S4291306. Supposedly, it all means something to the auditors.

But times change, and there are always more things we need to do at the office. This leads, of course, to a need for new codes to explain to the Powers That Be what it is we're doing. Here are just a few of the new standardized time codes being adopted in Corporate America...

Code - Explanation
5316 - Useless Meeting
5317 - Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 - Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in a Meeting
5319 - Waiting for Break
5320 - Waiting for Lunch
5321 - Waiting for End of Day
5322 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 - Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5394 - Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend
5400 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 - Buying Snack
5482 - Eating Snack
5500 - Filling Out Timesheet
5501 - Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 - Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 - Scratching Yourself
5504 - Sleeping
5510 - Feeling Bored
5600 - Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 - Complaining About Low Pay
5602 - Complaining About Long Hours
5603 - Complaining About Coworker (See Codes 5322 & 5323)
5604 - Complaining About Boss
5605 - Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 - Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 - Not Actually Present At Job
5702 - Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 - Ordering Out
6103 - Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 - Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 - Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 - Stealing Company Goods
6202 - Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Files
6203 - Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 - Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 - Hiding from Boss
6206 - Gossip
6207 - Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 - Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 - Updating Resume
6212 - Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 - Out of Office on Interview
6221 - Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 - Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 - Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 - Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 - Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 - Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 - Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code 6603)
6602 - Complaining
6603 - Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 - Staring Into Space
6612 - Staring At Computer Screen
6615 - Desk Yoga
7281 - Extended Visit to the Bathroom (over 10 minutes)
7400 - Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 - Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 - Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 - Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 - Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 - Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 - Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 - Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professionals on Phone
7931 - Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 - General Pontification
8001 - Political Pontification
8002 - Religious Pontification
8102 - Liquid Lunch
8200 - Web Surfing (General)
8201 - Surfing Vacation Sites on the Internet
8202 - Surfing Porn Sites on the Internet
8203 - Surfing Humor Sites on the Internet
8204 - Reading e-mail
8205 - Distributing humorous e-mails

Feel free to use these as needed. Don't thank me...it's all part of the service.

Have a good day (that would be Code 9000). More thoughts tomorrow (Code 9100 = writing more thoughts; Code 9101 = reading more thoughts).

Bilbo

P.S. - Updates may be late or missing for the next few days while Agnes and I travel to Pittsburgh for our annual Memorial Day mini-family reunion. Five grandchildren all in one place trumps writing the blog. Sorry, but that's just how it is.

B.