A Non-Political Post

I'm getting tired of arguing with my friends and colleagues about political topics, so here is a non-offensive, non-political post -

You're welcome.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Looking at the Potential Upside

I've decided to look at the potential upside of the Trump presidency ...

As the new week begins, have a good day. Buy and wrap your gifts, mail your cards, trim your tree, and consume mass quantities of Chex Mix and hot spiced wine. 

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

What We Do with Our Dining Rooms

I read an interesting article the other day that wondered whether it's time to get rid of the formal dining room as a separate part of our homes ...

Although everybody needs to eat, it seems that very few people use their dining rooms any more, at least not for dining ... the article says that 75% of the homeowners surveyed said that they don't usually eat their meals in their formal dining rooms; instead, 42% said that they dine in their eat-in kitchens, while 34% said they eat in their family room or in front of the television (which is usually in the family room or living room).

So why do we still build houses with formal dining rooms, and what do we use those formal dining rooms for, if not for dining?

I don't know about you, but in our house, we actually do eat in the formal dining room two or three times a year ... usually at Thanksgiving and Christmas or we have enough guests that they won't fit into the kitchen. The rest of the time we use the dining room table and chairs for storing pots and pans, the cushions for the deck furniture, and other things we don't have room to store anywhere else. We also store extra dust underneath the table.

What else do people use their dining rooms for? According to the article, they're being repurposed as work spaces or sitting rooms, or the walls are removed to make larger open spaces by combining the dining room space with the kitchen or living room. I think there are other potential uses for the dining room as well ...

1. Rent it out to Starbucks ... they're always looking for new locations.

2. Let the local politicians know that the highest bidder can tack it on to his (or her) wildly-gerrymandered district.

3. Add multiple layers of soundproofing and turn it into your own "50 Shades of Grey" playroom.

4. Gain extra tax advantage from the space by telling the IRS it's the conference room that goes with your home office.

5. Use that nice, big table for ... well ... use your imagination.

Other ideas? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. Enjoy your dinner, wherever you eat it. Come back tomorrow, when we'll name our Right Cheek Ass Clown for July*.

Bilbo

* The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

The Crepitation Contest

Last Friday, fellow blogger and pleasantly-twisted commentator Angel published a post titled "Humor About Flatulence." Yes, strange as it may seem to those of you who live in other parts of the world, we Americans are fond of making jokes about flatulence or, to use the more polite and precise medical term, farting. You can even find lots of apps for your smart phone that will produce the degree of flatulent noise desired: here are some for your iPhone or your Android device. And if you're a fan of the smash hit television series NCIS, you are familiar with the doll owned by goth forensic scientist Abby Scuitto - Bert the Farting Hippo.

But all other commentary about flatulence aside, if you have not heard the famous Crepitation Contest, you don't know fart-all about the topic ...

My father told us about this for years, and we never believed it actually existed until, many years ago, I found it on a CD advertised in a catalog called "Things You Never Knew Existed." Today, you can find it on YouTube and, as a CD or downloadable mp3, at Amazon.com. 

Go ahead and break that wind, cut that cheese, airbrush those boxers, and play the o-ring oboe*. Just do it somewhere else.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* You can find anything on the Internet ... including this exhaustive list of euphemisms for farting.

April Fools' Day

Today is Wednesday, April 1^st … the day commonly known as “April Fools’ Day.” It’s a day when people play practical jokes on each other and the media report bizarre, made-up stories with no factual basis*. April Fool’s Day has been a popular quasi-holiday since the 1800’s … it’s not an official national holiday anywhere, but it is well-known and widely observed in Canada, Europe, Australia, Brazil and – of course - the United States.

One of the best April Fool pranks ever was played by the Guardian newspaper on April 1, 1977, when it printed a seven-page supplement commemorating the tenth anniversary of the independence of the island nation of San Serriffe, complete with maps and themed advertisements from major companies. You can read the whole story in my April Fools’ Day post from last year.

Unfortunately, April Fools’ Day isn’t as much fun as it used to be, mostly because so many professional fools use the other 364 days (365 in leap years) to spread buffoonery far and wide, squeezing out the amateurs. It’s especially bad now, when we’re stumbling helplessly into the whirling maelstrom of foolishness of the 2016 presidential campaigns. You need only look at the presumptive candidates** to know that we’re in for an epic load of enormously expensive, world-class ass-clownery.

And it’s not just the politicians doing it.

Our stable of April Fools has expanded to include climate change deniers; people who reject proven science; anti-vaccination zealots; people who want the right to carry concealed weapons everywhere, no matter how inappropriate; and hyper-religious wingnuts (whether Islamic, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, or the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster). And that’s just for starters.

It won’t be time to name April's Right Cheek Ass Clown for another week and a half, but today seems appropriate to give at least a sad acknowledgement to a man who would be a world-class contender for the award, and is a poster child for April Foolery – I refer, of course, to Indiana governor Mike Pence, who has twisted himself into knots trying to evade responsibility for his shameful “Religious Freedom Restoration Act,” which legitimizes bigotry by allowing anyone the right to use their religious beliefs as an excuse for denying rights to others.

Governor Pence gives the finger to those of whom he doesn't approve

Yes, Dear Readers, today is April Fools' Day. Perhaps it ought to be a national holiday, with parades, presidential statements, and non-binding Congressional resolutions. Heaven knows we have enough people to be recognized.

Have a good day. Pity the fools***. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Except for Fox News, which pretty much does that every day.

** Yes, Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton, I’m talking to you.

*** Where's Mr T when you need him?

The Lawyer and the Orange

One day in a Contract Law class, the professor called on one of the students and posed this question: "If you were going to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student thought for a moment, then said, "Here's an orange."

The professor was furious. "No, no!' he shouted. "Think like a lawyer!"

The student collected himself, then stood tall and said, "I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the same, extract the juice of, or give the same away with or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding ..."

The professor beamed proudly. "Now you're thinking like a lawyer!"

Have a good day, good being defined as intellectually challenging, meteorologically pleasant, financially sound, and medically unimpaired, and day being defined as the 24-hour diurnal period defined by the rotation of the earth one time around its axis. The act of "having" in this context is intended and determined to encompass possession, experience, and enjoyment, without boundary or limit.

So there.

Have it, anyway.

Bilbo

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Updated

Last week, fellow blogger and delightfully twisted thinker Angel posted an interesting article to her blog: Rebranding Pestilence. If you haven’t read it yet, take a minute and check it out. I’ll wait.

Angel’s post builds on the image of the biblical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - War, Death, Famine, and Pestilence ...

... and imagines that Pestilence, being jealous of the relative “coolness” of War and Death, engages a publicist to make over his image*. The results are as interesting as only Angel can spin them.

But her idea of Pestilence getting a makeover led me to think about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in general, and how relevant they are to the world of 2015. Consider this: if the Book of Revelations was being written today, might we expect to see four different horsemen riding out of chapter 6, representing updated avatars of the apocalypse?

Today's horsemen might, for instance, represent a timely selection of the Seven Deadly Sins: Pride, Greed, Lust, and Anger are good candidates we can see every day in the news. Sloth is too busy in Congress to be able to take part, Gluttony has fallen out of favor with the emphasis on good nutrition, and Envy is simply too commonplace.

Or they might thunder forth from the world of Politics, where Gridlock, Bureaucracy, Sanctimony, and Self-Righteousness lurk.

They might also represent the afflictions of the cities: Traffic, Crumbling Infrastructure, Smog, and Crime.

Republicans might view the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as Obama, Clinton, Reid, and Pelosi; while Democrats might see them as Boehner, Cruz, McConnell, and Gohmert.

If you aren't willing to go all the way to apocalypse, the Four Horsemen of Annoyance** may be more your speed ...

What do you think, Dear Readers ... what are the four horsemen of today's apocalypse? Leave a comment with your choices.

And many thanks to Angel for allowing me to spin off on her idea***.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* There is a very clever story by Richard Armour (sadly, long out of print) titled “The Year Santa Went Modern,” which plays with a similar idea … but is, of course, more for children.

** I myself would replace the Constant Whistler with the Constant Cell Phone Blatherer, but to each his/her own.

*** Not that I asked, but the original inspiration came from her.

Paying the Aquatic Piper

I work in a very interesting office, as you know if you read last week's post titled The Great Pentagon Doughnut War. I'm very fortunate to have some extremely intelligent, well-educated, and intellectually stimulating people to work with.

Well, most of the time, anyhow.

You know about the doughnuts vs munchkins issue that has divided our office. Now let me tell you about the water bill.

To fully understand the story, you need to know that the Pentagon was built over a period of 18 months in 1943-1944. At the time, it was a relative architectural and technical marvel, but by the early 1990's it was starting to show its age ... one symptom of which was water lines that were delivering water that was ... well ... not necessarily drinkable. As a result, almost every office in the building took deliveries each month of bottled water for drinking and the brewing of coffee*.

When I came to work in my present office in 1996, I volunteered to take over management of the office water fund ... the incumbent was getting ready to leave, and it seemed like a fairly painless task. It is a job I still have to this day, nobody else being interested in taking it on. As the water fund manager, I monitor usage, place the orders, receive the water deliveries, and pay the bill to the company that delivers the water each month** ...

... and there's the proverbial rub.

You see, I ain't runnin' no charity here. When the bill comes to me for payment, I turn to my colleagues and request a per-capita share of the bad news ... usually anywhere from four to six dollars, depending on the number of five-gallon bottles of water we turn into urine in the course of the month.

You can probably hear the howls of anguish each month from where you are.

For the record, here are a few of the typical conversations that take place each time I ask for those per-capita shares of the bill:

1. I am not taking bread from the mouths of your children.

2. I am not vacationing in Rio (or anywhere else) on the alleged profits I make from the water fund.

3. I'm sorry*** you have to cancel that trip to Disney World you promised your kids because I'm after you for a measley five bucks.

4. I'm really sorry**** your children won't get new shoes or birthday presents this year because you have to pay the water bill.

5. Yes, I know that all the water lines in the Pentagon were replaced during the renovation, and we can now drink from the fountains and taps without getting sterile or growing two heads.

6. Just grit your teeth and pay the %$&@ bill, okay.

Doughnuts and water. Believe it or not, in spite of both, we actually do get along and work well together.

But at the beginning of each month, when the water bill comes due, I always look under my car for devices that don't belong there.

Have a good day. If anyone ever asks you to manage a water fund, just say no. You'll thank me.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* The fuel on which the Department of Defense runs.

** The fellow who delivers the water to our office is huge. If he had lights on his backside, he'd look like a semi. I don't want him pissed off at me for non-payment.

*** Not.

**** Sure, go ahead and blame me, you cheapskate.

Notes on Football Season

We're into September now, and that means that baseball season is on the way out and football* season is on the way in. So, let's talk about football** for a while ...

Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer recently said of one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Ohio State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird!" The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

A Notre Dame University football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Texas linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

Welcome to football season and all the strange people who love it. Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Not to be confused with what the rest of the world understands as "football" - soccer.

** Someone once commented that football combines the two worst aspects of American life: violence and committee meetings.

Getting in Shape for the Big Challenge

As you know, Dear Readers, I retired long ago from the Air Force. At the time of my retirement, I was a stalwart, lantern-jawed Defender of Democracy, in about as good physical condition as I ever was*.

But that was then, and this is now. I've been retired for quite some time, and I have to admit that I'm not in quite as good shape as I used to be**. I watch my co-workers who are still on active duty as they hit the gym every day, compare notes on distances run, lift weights more substantial than a beer stein at Sine's, and prepare to rain fire and death upon our nation's enemies by keeping themselves at the peak of physical fitness.

I need to do something.

And so, my friends, I have stepped up to the challenge. I've enlisted Mike as my chief trainer and will be starting tomorrow on my program ...

Wish me luck!

Have a good day. But have it quietly, because I'm training. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* For a man of my age, anyhow.

** Of course, "round" is a shape, but we won't go there.

Updated Fairy Tales

Some time ago I read a clever article on Miss Cellania's blog that wondered how our favorite fairy tales might be different if they'd been written today. I thought I'd dig it out of the blog fodder file and share it with you today, along with my additions and edits. Consider these updated fairy tales ...

Little Bo Peep keeps track of her sheep with embedded silicon identity chips.

Cinderella searches for her prince on Match.com.

Hansel and Gretel use GPS rather than following a trail of bread crumbs; however, they had great difficulty stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.

Alice now plans her Wonderland vacations with travelocity.com.

The Three Little Pigs bought a condo in a gated community with 24-hour security.

A reformed Ebenezer Scrooge sends Bob Cratchett to update his certification for Excel and Quicken.

Jack has just launched the IPO of his company based on the bioengineering techniques that led to major breakthroughs in bean stalk productivity.

Sleeping Beauty sleeps better with her CPAP machine.

Old McDonald uses voice recognition to make ordering easy at his agricultural auction site - http://www.eieio.com.

Little Red Riding Hood's concealed carry permit came in useful when she emptied a 15-round magazine into the Big Bad Wolf.

Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic miscommunications by exchanging text messages frequently.

With her extensive web experience, Charlotte is now in great demand as a motivational speaker at tech conferences.

King Arthur has been able to slash his royal travel budget by using satellite video conferencing rather than flying his knights in for round table meetings.

Gulliver uses his frequent flyer miles to do even more traveling.

Jack and Jill avoid unexpected medical expenses by arranging for home delivery of bottled water.

And ...

The Three Billy Goats Gruff avoid problems with the troll at the bridge by using their E-Z Pass transponder.

Have a good day. Keep your fairy tales up to date* ... your children and grandchildren will never believe them otherwise.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Not applicable to the GOP.

Highly Specialized Headgear

When I was growing up in the 50's and 60's, men still wore hats. Nowadays, not so much, except on special occasions. There are lots of different kinds of hats. There's the bowler* ...

The boater ...

And the top hat ...

And there are specialized sorts of hats, like the military shako ...

And the kepi ...

And the German Pickelhaube** ...

And the more modern versions of the military helmet, like this one ...

And there are the really specialized hats, like the diving helmet ...

And the beer hat ...

But there's also a fairly new sort of headgear that has gained great popularity, particularly in Congress and the echo chambers of the extreme media ... the asshat***.

The man in the photograph is a professional asshat. Do not try this at home.

Have a good day. Wear normal hats. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* You may remember the evil henchman Oddjob in the James Bond film "Goldfinger," whose weapon of  choice was a bowler with a razor-sharp brim that he threw like a frisbee.

** Yes, I own one. It's way cool.

*** The Urban Dictionary defines an asshat as, "One whose head is so far up their rear end it could pass for a hat; used to describe a person who is stubborn, cruel, or otherwise unpleasant to be around." 

Who ... or What ... Do You Want Representing You in Congress?

This is a question of no small importance, as the individual you elect will be receiving a princely salary for doing ... as far as I can tell ... absolutely nothing of consequence except naming post offices and complaining about the shortcomings of the other party. It's a question not applicable in many of the stupendously gerrymandered-to-be-GOP-until-the-sun-goes-nova Congressional districts that will never elect anyone that doesn't make Atilla the Hun look like a flaming liberal, but in the less hidebound parts of the nation, it deserves serious consideration.

For one thing, do you have to elect a person?

In 1997, The Onion published a satirical article titled "Texans Elect Gun," which reported that Texas voters had elected a .44 caliber revolver to the Senate on the strength of its "tremendous stopping power* ... deep nickel plating, the smooth action of its finely machined cylinder, and the crisp, positive pull of its trigger," and that it "took an impressive 71 percent of the women's vote by prominently displaying its elegant pearl grips and well-tooled leather holster throughout the campaign."

And that got me thinking** ... what other things might get elected in other parts of the country?

I can foresee Colorado residents electing a bale of marijuana.

Florida residents might elect a hurricane, figuring that it would hold its own with all the rest of the mighty windbags in Congress ...

Louisianans might decide to send a jazz band to Congress, which would certainly enliven otherwise dull, droning C-SPAN coverage and make filibusters more fun ...

Given that California has already elected a showboating blowhard like Darrell Issa to the House,  perhaps residents of the Golden State might elect a wind turbine to take advantage of Mr Issa's major contribution to the government ...

Vermont might well vote for a bucket of its famous maple syrup ... a good move, given that it would fit right in with all the other saps currently occupying Congressional seats ...

Kentucky could elect a fine thoroughbred horse to the Senate ... they've already got Mitch McConnell, and it's about time they were represented by a whole horse ...

Nevada, famous for the gambling and questionable morals of Las Vegas, could choose a set of loaded dice ... which would help ensure that the House always retains an advantage.

And, thinking again about Texas, perhaps they'd actually be better off with that .44 caliber revolver than with an ignorant and self-important buffoon like Ted Cruz.

Any other suggestions out there for other nontraditional Congressional representation? Leave a comment. You can't do much worse that what we've got already.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Tremendous stopping power would be very useful in Congress, where conservatives tend to stop everything from happening, anyhow.

** Always a dangerous thing.

How Your Government is Saving Money on Travel

With the looming threat of sequestration* just two weeks away, agencies of your federal government are taking draconian measures to reduce their spending in expectation of massive, across-the-board budget reductions.

At the Department of Defense (DoD to insiders), one area which is being sharply reduced is travel funding. Military personnel are frequently sent from their normal duty stations on short (179 days or less) trips known as temporary duty (or TDY)**, and there are special budgets set aside to pay for such trips. The rules for what can and can't be paid and how travel reimbursements are calculated are contained in an enormous volume known as the Joint Travel Regulations, or JTR, which is utterly unintelligible except to lawyers and accountants.

In order to reduce the cost of TDY (or TAD) travel, the JTR documents are being updated with special rules driven by the inability or unwillingness of Congress to do its job. Here are a few of the changes which will be going into effect immediately:

Part 1 - Lodging:

a) All DOD personnel performing temporary duty (TDY) are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on government business travel. 

b) If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Travelers may bring their own tents, if desired. 

c) Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. 

d) For a small (non-reimbursable) fee, the National Geospatial Intelligence Agency will provide traveling personnel with maps showing the locations of:

(1) Steam grates which will allow comfortable sleeping in colder climates.

(2) Empty, abandoned, or under-construction buildings which can provide shelter.

(3) Caves.

e)  Sleeping in government facilities during or off-duty is henceforth prohibited for TDY/TAD personnel.

Part 2 - Transportation: 

a) Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests and flashlights with translucent red cones will be issued to all personnel prior to their departure on TDY but must be returned upon completion of travel. Traveler is responsible for any damage or stains and will reimburse the government for cleaning and/or repair. Replacement of flashlight batteries will be at the traveller's expense.

b) Bicycle, cross-country skis and horse rentals do not qualify for mileage or reimbursement. 

c) Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Personnel are expected to travel on foot; this not only saves transportation funds, but also contributes to personal fitness, reducing long-term medical costs.

d) Airline tickets will be authorized only in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Washington D.C., but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Omaha, NE, then travel to Omaha will be substituted for travel to Washington D.C. In group travel, smaller personnel will consider travel as checked baggage using pet travel rates whenever possible; documentation of cost/benefit assessment of such travel must be submitted with other travel paperwork.

e) Regardless of mode of travel, reimbursement of checked baggage fees is not authorized; thus, "layering" is encouraged.

Part 3 - Meals: 

a) Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum, and will not exceed two meals per 24-hour period. 

b) It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Costco, Sam's Club, Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and occasionally Safeway often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner, which is already being used by lower-ranking enlisted families with great success. 

c) Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. 

d) If restaurants must be utilized, travelers will patronize "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together, as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. 

e) DoD Personnel are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the bother of heating or costly preparation. Ramen noodles are also a low-cost alternative; however, costs of heating will not be reimbursed. In all cases, cost of these items will not be reimbursed.

Part 4 - Miscellaneous: Personnel are required to use innovative techniques to defray travel expenses. 

a) Red caps will be issued prior to departure to all personnel authorized to fly so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. 

b) When not on duty, members with musical or performing talents are encouraged will perform on streets, in hotel lobbies, and in transportation waiting areas for tips. 

c) Small plastic roses, ballpoint pens, and other items will be issued to personnel so that sales may be made as time permits. These items will be signed for at issue and carefully inventoried upon the traveler's return. All proceeds will be turned into the servicing finance section at the conclusion of the TDY and will be used to offset the cost of the trip.

... and so it begins.

After all, budgets have got to be cut somewhere so that tax rates for businesses and the wealthy*** can be kept at low levels.

Do your part!

Have a good day. More thoughts on Thursday.

Bilbo

* You know, the budget forcing function that was supposed to be so terrifying it would force Congress to act. Didn't work all that well, did it?

** In the Army and Air Force, anyway. The Navy, which insists on being different, refers to it as "Temporarily Assigned Duty, or TAD."

*** Known in GOP terminology as "job creators^TM."

Redneck Etiquette

Those of you who know me well know that I value good manners and civility, not that one encounters too much of it nowadays. In fairness, though, I would note that observing proper etiquette can be difficult because of the wide variations in what is considered acceptable behavior in various parts of the country.

Here, for instance, is a compilation of valuable redneck etiquette tips provided by my brother who lives in Florida. Draw your own conclusions about my family ...

General Points of Etiquette.

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining in Your Home.

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating Outside the Family.

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."

Weddings.

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

The groom, at least, should rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette.

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

************

I hope this helps you achieve acceptance with the locals in some of our less-visited regions. It's all part of my ongoing effort to improve the level of civility in these troubled times.

Of course, it is still considered acceptable to use terms of endearment like "ass clown" and "clueless moron" to refer to politicians with whom you disagree.*

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

*In my case, that would be most of them.

Something for Your Soul

Many years ago there was a prose poem that was very popular for a while. It showed up on posters, usually in a faux-antique format that implied it had been "found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore AD 1692," was reprinted everywhere, and was also a popular spoken recording. The poem, Desiderata, was actually written by Max Ehrmann in 1927, and is meant to be a calm reflection on the things you should desire (desiderata is Latin for desired things).

In a time of social and political turmoil, perhaps we need to dust off Desiderata again ... but be sure to read all the way to the end of the post before you get turned off by the sappy part ...

Desiderata

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Do you feel uplifted? Peaceful? Happy?

I thought not.

That being the case, you may prefer this updated version of the poem, published by the Harvard Lampoon in 1972 and perhaps more suited for the present state of affairs ...

Deteriorata

Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss and when.

Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do.

Wherever possible put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.

Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you; that lemon on your left for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan.

And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time, call 606-4311 ... ask for Ken.

Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese, and reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the Universe. You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not, the Universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be: Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.

Give up.

Don't you feel better?

Now, go placidly amid the noise of the presidential campaign and the waste of the money we spend paying the clueless louts in Congress and have a good day.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Stripping Away the Arguments ... So To Speak

As you know, Dear Readers, one of the current burning issues in this country is that of illegal immigration. This is one of those topics which inspires passionate arguments on all sides, some of which actually make sense. Usually lost in the discussion, though, is the operative adjective illegal - which, when last I looked, means contrary to law and not racist, unfair, anti-immigrant, or anything else. People who use those other adjectives to apply to those who oppose illegal immigration are, in my humble and correct opinion, stupid.

But let's talk about immigration issues somewhere else for a moment. Like Canada ... where, if you are a stripper, you will no longer be able to get a visa to enter the country to ply your trade.

Yes, according to this article in Time Magazine, Canadian Immigration Minister Jason Kenney has announced that starting in August, Canada will no longer renew visas for foreigners working as strippers. The Canadian government had already cut back on the number of new visas it had been granting to ecdysiasts, granting only 12 visas last year, although it had been continuing to renew visas which had been previously granted. Sadly though, gainfully-employed strippers will no longer have their visas automatically renewed.

The visa decision is based not on issues of morality, but on the alleged relationship between stripping and illegal human trafficking - according to the Time article, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (the "Mounties") have repeatedly expressed concern over the link between Canadian escort services, brothels and massage parlors and cases of human trafficking and sexual exploitation.

Sexual exploitation is, of course, a dreadful thing and it behooves us to take such measures as are necessary to protect persons from it. But we must also not lose sight of the impact on politics and on the economy of preventing strippers from obtaining visas ...

Were such a move to be taken here in the United States, the GOP would probably implode from the cognitive dissonance of trying to take a stand on the issue: on the one hand, it would be required to decry the impact of such a job-killing^TM move on manufacturers of stripper poles, pasties, and diaphanous outfits, not to mention the severe impact on related businesses such as bars, restaurants, and the security firms which provide bouncers. On the other hand, the religious right would hysterically argue in favor of the move as a way of helping to preserve its image of public morality.  The party would run screaming from the issue with smoke pouring from its ears.

Or not, as cognitive dissonance has not heretofore appeared to be an impediment to being a hardshell conservative Republican.

Anyhow ...

It occurs to me that we have an opportunity here to help boost large segments of the American economy - the manufacturing, entertainment, and garment* industries to name a few - by welcoming the strippers who are no longer being granted visas in Canada. We could really see the economy ... uh ... take off if we play this right.

Hug a stripper today. Carefully.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Yes, I know that the garment part is a bit of a stretch, but work with me here, okay?

Up or Down?

One of the current cliches of the political world is the need for "up or down votes" on presidential nominations and contentious pieces of legislation - no discussion, no debate, no "secret holds," no endless pontificating in front of the cameras, just a simple yes or no. Put that brain back on the shelf, Congressman, you weren't using it, anyhow ... just vote and be done with it.

Up-or-Down is an issue in other areas of daily existence, too, especially with the Man-vs-Woman issue that has been with us since the dawn of the flush-toilet era: should you leave the toilet seat up, or put it down?

Men and women have been fighting about this divisive issue ever since the padded seat in the warm house replaced the splintery unisex hole in the unheated outhouse. Men put the seat up to compensate for their poor aim; ladies put the seat down because ... well ... because they do. Men are pointers, women are setters. Vive le difference! Here's a flow chart that depicts how to address the problem:

Any questions?

Which brings me to this old joke ...

A young Jewish couple arrived at a luxury hotel to celebrate their honeymoon. The new bride needed to use the toilet before stepping into the shower, but neglected to check to see if the seat was down. It wasn't, and the unfortunate lady dropped straight down and became wedged in the bowl with her legs in the air.

She screamed for help and her new husband raced to the rescue, but found that his bride was wedged too tightly in the bowl for him to free her ... he needed help! He ran to the telephone and called the concierge to send a maintenance man to help with "a plumbing problem."

When the knock came on the door, it suddenly dawned on the poor man that his wife was wedged, stark naked, in the toilet, and now a stranger was going to witness the unfortunate spectacle. Thinking quickly, he tried to minimize his wife's embarrassment by whipping off his yarmulke and placing it gently over her exposed nether parts before admitting the maintenance man to the room.

The workman strode into the bathroom and set his box of tools on the floor next to the toilet. He carefully studied the poor lady wedged tightly into the bowl with a yarmulke between her legs, then stepped back, shook his head sadly, and told the frantic husband,

"I can get the lady out of the bowl, but the rabbi's on his own."

Have a good day. Make sure the seat is down.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Adding Insult to Injury

Unless you've been vacationing in a cave on the outskirts of Ulan Bator for the last month or so, you have heard about the huge scandal of the $800,000 GSA conference in Las Vegas, at which the entertainment included clowns and mind-readers.

The fact that a public servant would spend this sort of money frivolously is bad enough, but the disaster is compounded by the additional fact that the scandal comes to light in an election year, giving each party a heaven-sent opportunity to fulminate about the shortcomings of the other.


And possibly the worst outcome is the one that is the most predictable ...


Yes, Dear Readers, Congress has sprung into action to rectify the situation by

SCHEDULING HEARINGS ...

According to this article in yesterday's Washington Post, hearings on the infamous "Clown Conference" have been scheduled by the following Congressional committees:


1. The House Oversight and Government Reform Committee;


2. The House Transportation and Infrastructure Subcommittee;


3. The Senate Environment and Public Works Committee; and,


4. The Senate Appropriations Subcommittee.


And as if that weren't enough, Republican Senator Susan Collins of Maine believes that the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee should hold hearings as well, because she believes "(the) Committee is uniquely situated to examine what appear to be numerous violations of acquisition rules and policy identified by GSA’s Inspector General.”

If you were counting, that's now five - count 'em - five hearings to study the same event.

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of Congressional hearings, here's what happens:


1. Individual members of Congress schedule news conferences at which, with great fanfare, they gravely tell their constituents how seriously they take their responsibility for proper management of the public trust.


2. Subpoenas are issued to reluctant witnesses.


3. Witnesses schedule news conferences to tell the public how much they are looking forward to setting the record straight.


4. At the hearings, hapless witnesses sit under the stare of television cameras and radiate contrition as they are browbeaten by grandstanding members of Congress.


5. Members of Congress on the investigating committees take turns blaming the inept and wrongheaded policies of the other party for what went wrong.


6. Everybody goes home and everything is forgotten until the next scandal, at which steps 1-5 are repeated.


I don't know about you, but I think this is a dreadful waste of time, money, and effort that could be better spent addressing real problems, like health care reform, the budget deficit, tax reform, and investigating the actual citizenship status of every member of Congress and potential presidential candidate. Do we need to investigate how a travesty like the Clown Conference could happen? Absolutely. Do we need four ... maybe five ... separate grandstanding Congressional committees to do it? Absolutely not.


Have a good day. Let your elected reprehensive know what you expect of him or her ... even if it's not much.


More thoughts tomorrow.


Bilbo

Fairy Tales Go Hi-Tech

I've gotten hooked on the TV series Once Upon a Time, which follows the adventures of fairy tale characters who have been cursed and are living unhappily ever after in the small town of Storybrooke, Maine. The episodes tie together the lives and adventures of the individual characters (Snow White, Prince Charming, Rumplestiltskin, the Evil Queen, Jiminy Cricket, and many more) in the fairy tale and the "real" worlds, and are really fascinating.

Which leads one to wonder how we might update our classic fairy tales and children's stories for the more technologically savvy children of the 21st century ...

Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon tracking chips.

Cinderella searches for her prince on Match.com - and leases her pumpkin-colored SUV at Avis.com.

Hansel and Gretel use GPS rather than bread crumbs, but had a difficult time stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.

To avoid travel stress, Alice now plans her Wonderland vacation with travelocity.com.

A reformed Ebenezer Scrooge sends Bob Cratchett to update his certification for Excel and Quicken, and has encouraged him to get his MBA.

Jack's breakthrough discovery in the bioengineering of bean stalks made him a fortune when he sold it to ConAgra.

Old McDonald uses voice recognition to make ordering easy at his agricultural auction site http://www.eieio.com.

Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their smart phones.

With her early Web capabilities, Charlotte is now a motivational speaker at tech conferences around the world.

The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on Napster.

Little Red Riding Hood doesn't worry about big, bad wolves after getting the concealed carry permit for her .357 Glock 31.

King Arthur has replaced his expensive round table with a satellite video conferencing suite.

The Mad Hatter has chilled out considerably since his psychiatrist put him on Prozac.

Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.

The Queen of Hearts no longer makes her own tarts since she discovered Pillsbury Tarts-in-a-Can (15 minutes in a 250 degree oven).

Jack and Jill order their Evian on peapod.com.


The Evil Queen has replaced her outdated, hard-to-maintain magic mirror with a broadband Skype connection.

And finally,

The Princess sleeps much better since she replaced her pea-infested bedding with the new Sleep Number mattress.

Any other updates you can think of? Leave me a comment.

Have a good day. Tomorrow will be my 2,000th post, and it's Cartoon Saturday ... be here for the festivities.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo