Old Joke ...

The other day over at Billions of Versions of Normal, Mike addressed what turns out to be a long-standing myth: that the posture of the horse in a statue of a mounted war hero has a particular meaning (all four hooves on the ground, one hoof in the air, horse rearing up on its hind legs*, etc). I had heard this before, but it was still interesting.

And it reminded me of an old joke ...

At the entrance to a park in a large city, a pair of statues stood on pedestals across from each other - a naked (but oddly modest) man and a naked (but, in the typical fashion of statues, not-quite so modest) woman, each reaching out to the other to form an archway of yearning but unrequited love across the sidewalk. For many years, through summers and winters, sun and rain and snow, the statues reached out to each other, their fingers scant inches apart, yet never touching.

One day an unemployed fairy** happened by and noticed the two statues. "This is so sad," she said in her high-pitched fairy voice. "All these years you have stood here in all weather, yearning for each other, yet never knowing each other's loving touch." A tear rolled down the fairy's cheek, and she suddenly realized that she could do a good deed! Reaching into her knapsack **, she pulled out a small bag of fairy dust and sprinkled it over the statues. "Live!" she whispered. "Indulge your passion so long denied!"

For a moment, nothing happened. And then, slowly, the two statues shuddered and began to move. They stretched legs and arms long locked in a single position, rotated necks stiff from years of inactivity, and gradually straightened up and stood on their pedestals with looks of awe on their now-living faces. And then the male statue shouted, "At last!!" as he leaped down from his pedestal and grabbed the female statue by the hand, and the two raced into the dense bushes beside the walkway.

For a few minutes there was silence, and then a burst of furious activity! Twigs cracked, leaves flew, and clouds of dust rose up, punctuated by gasps and moans and frantic cries of passionate abandon. This went on for many minutes, and then suddenly there was silence again.

Behind the bushes, the two statues lay side by side on the ground, their sweat-soaked bodies now streaked with mud, their hair tangled and full of leaves and broken twigs. They lay panting and gasping for several long minutes, and then the male statue asked gently, "How was it for you?"

"Oh, God, it was wonderful!" the female statue gasped. I never dreamed it could be so amazing!"

The male statue looked over at her and asked with a sly wink, "Shall we do it again?"

"Oh, yes!  YES!!" the female statue panted, with a look of pure ecstasy on her face. "Only this time, YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on him!"

Don't blame me ... blame Mike. It was his post that reminded me of the joke.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Mike reminds us in his post that the depiction of an animal rearing up on its hind legs is known in heraldry as a "rampant" figure. My own personal coat of arms shows a debtor rampant on a field of unpaid bills.

** Angel, perhaps your Guardian Angel Steve could use some help.

*** So, how did you think fairies carried things around?

Cartoon Saturday

Welcome to December ...

Chinese state media has reported that a man was sentenced to death Friday for holding six women as sex slaves in an underground lair and ordering the deaths of two of them; a bridge failed in Paulsboro, New Jersey, sending four train cars - at least one of which was leaking a toxic chemical - crashing into a creek near the Delaware River; according to a leading Web security firm, the Syrian government is almost certainly responsible for a blackout that shut down virtually all Internet service in the country; President Obama on Friday warned of a "Scrooge Christmas" if Congress does not pass legislation extending tax cuts for 98% of Americans; and China has angered its neighbors by including in its new passports a map which shows numerous disputed territories as belonging to China.

The Christmas spirit does not seem to be observed everywhere. That's why we have Cartoon Saturday ...

We lead off with two takes on the theme of "someday, this will all be yours" ...

and ...

A novel new concept in marketing ...

The next three cartoons go out to Kathy A and my other readers who are teachers of English ...

and ...

and ...

It's all in how you look at it ...

There are some strange bloggers out there, in addition to Mike and I ...

There are a lot of good cartoons out there about elevators, like this one ...

And finally for this week, there's no light at the end of the fiscal tunnel yet ... and at the rate Congress is going, there won't be any any time soon. Maybe we ought to just settle for this ...

And that's it for the first Cartoon Saturday in December. There are only 24 more shopping days until Christmas ... write now for my gift wish list.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Map Flap

Once again, China has demonstrated that it is fast becoming a major world power like the United States ... this time, with yet another ham-handed and needless insult to the nations which surround it.

This article appeared in yesterday's The Washington Post: "Here’s the Chinese Passport Map That’s Infuriating Much of Asia." Yes, Dear Readers, it seems that the latest high-tech Chinese passports include a map on page 8 which shows many disputed territories - including parts of India and Vietnam and the entire South China Sea - as parts of China. This is the passport page in question ...

As you might suspect, nations which have territorial disputes with their gigantic neighbor are understandably upset, and are reacting to the insulting map in different ways. At border crossings to Vietnam, officials are stapling visas to the offending page in order to cover up the map. The Indian embassy in Beijing is overstamping the page with a new visa stamp which features the Indian version of the map ... which, of course, shows disputed Himalayan territories as parts of India. Several Asian nations have filed formal complaints at the Chinese embassies in their countries, and others are expected to do so.

Why do such a deliberately provocative thing? Some observers note that the Chinese government has a sense of entitlement that grows out of a perception of itself as a country long exploited by others, and so it is perfectly okay for the Chinese to do what they believe was always done to them. The problem, of course, is that in many Asian cultures it is important to save face ... and now that the offending map has been published, backing away from it would cause an insulting loss of face for the Chinese government. This is not a good thing when you are an opaque, nuclear-armed nation with a huge army and a reputation for bullying its neighbors.

It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.

But the Chinese passport map flap raises another interesting question ... if various whiny crybaby states actually do manage to secede from the United States, what maps would they include in their passports? I imagine that Texas passports would show that nation as including large parts of Mexico, New Mexico, and other bordering states as far away as, say, New York. An independent Virginia might claim West Virginia. North and South Dakota might claim each other. It's unlikely that any newly-independent state would claim ownership of New Jersey. The possibilities are endless.

Have a good day. Visit your favorite Asian destination now, before it becomes part of China.

And come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

Acronyms

One of my favorite websites is WordSpy, which advertises itself as "The Word Lover's Guide to New Words." It's a good place to catch up on the latest expressions, and is a fun guide to the evolution of language. We linguists are easily amused.

A lot of new words, particularly in the age of truncated digital communication and text messaging, are actually acronyms - words consisting of the first letters of the constituent parts of a phrase. Some popular and well-known acronyms are ASAP (As Soon As Possible), SNAFU (Situation Normal, All Fouled Up), and the ever-popular TGIF (Thank Goodness It's Friday).

WordSpy has led me to a couple of interesting new acronyms that I thought I'd share with you:

TEOTWAWKI (pronounced TEA-oh-TWAH-kee) - The End Of The World As We Know It. This is a useful catch-all phrase for the time of chaos and disruption that hard-core conservatives expect will occur in the second Obama administration. 

It was similarly used by people at the other end of the political spectrum to refer to the second George W. Bush administration.

TANSTAAFL (pronounced TAN-staffle) - There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch. This classic expression reminds us that there's a price to be paid for everything ... or as the evil Rumplestiltskin is fond of reminding us in the hit TV series Once Upon a Time, "All magic comes with a price, dearie!" 

This is a very useful expression to keep in mind as Congress engages in its alleged efforts to avoid the so-called "fiscal cliff" ... such efforts usually consisting of chest-thumping defenses of programs which absolutely cannot be cut (defense and tax cuts, if you're a Republican; Social Security and Medicare, if you're a Democrat).

SMIDSY (pronounced SMID-see) - Sorry, Mate, I Didn't See You. This is a useful adjective acronym that describes an accident caused by the driver of a car who failed to see another car, cyclist or pedestrian. 

BANANA (you know how to pronounce it) - Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anyone. This is a clever acronym used to refer to a person who is opposed to new real estate development, particularly projects close to their neighborhood and particularly developments of a commercial or industrial nature.

And finally for today, an interesting word that isn't, strictly speaking, an acronym, but a combination of an acronym and another word ...

LOLbertarian (pronounced ELL-oh-ELL-ber-TARRY-un) - this word comes from the combination of LOL (Laughing Out Loud) and "libertarian," and is defined as "A libertarian whose views are so extreme as to invite mockery." Sadly, we have no shortage of those.

So, Dear Readers, do you have any favorite acronyms? Leave a comment. There's only so much time available to listen to things, and so acronyms are ever more important, IYKWIM*.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* If You Know What I Mean. I have no idea how to pronounce it.

Midweek Odds and Ends

I'm still recovering from my delightful visit to the dentist yesterday*, and am not in the best of moods this morning, so how about we just run down a few odds and ends in lieu of a coherent post?

First of all, congratulations to Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani, who won the All-Star Season of Dancing with the Stars last night. I've been rooting for them all season, partly because Melissa is gorgeous, and partly because I had a lesson with Mr Dovolani when we were both at the Grand National Dance Championships in Miami some years ago. He spent an hour running me around the dance floor until I was ready to scream ... my hat is off to Melissa for surviving 13 weeks of his tender mercies.

Speaking of gorgeous people, Travel and Leisure Magazine has published its list of the Top Ten Cities for Attractive People. Washington DC is not on the list, it's attractiveness value probably being dragged down by the large population of brain-dead political trolls. Here's the list:

1 - Miami, Florida (been there, agree with that.)

2 - San Diego, California (I worked with a lady from San Diego back in the mid-70's. If she was typical, San Diego needs to be at number 1.)

3 - San Juan, Puerto Rico (oddly enough, Puerto Rico recently voted in favor of statehood. Maybe we can get all those attractive people to replace the ones who want to secede.)

4 - Charleston, South Carolina (I've been to Charleston once ... and it was not a particularly memorable visit. It's a two-beer story that I'll share with you if you make it to DC.)

5 - Los Angeles, California (maybe it's just me, but all the women in LA look ... artificially enhanced.)

6 - Nashville, Tennessee (not the one in the TV series, evidently.)

7 - Austin, Texas (you've got to love a place where the popular t-shirt says "Keep Austin Weird.")

8 - Savannah, Georgia (it's the southern drawl that does it.)

9 - Honolulu, Hawaii (nobody really lives there ... if you don't believe me, just ask one of them to show you a birth certificate.)

10 - Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota (the people really are attractive ... but you can only see it in the summer. In the winter, they have to wear so many layers of clothes you can't tell the men from the women.)

The dead horse of secession lunacy is still twitching, so I thought that this article might provide a dash of reality to counterbalance all the ass-clownery of buffoons who think everything will magically improve if they leave the union.

Tonight's Powerball jackpot is worth over a half-billion dollars. You may win it, but the odds are slightly against you. The odds of winning the Powerball jackpot are estimated at 1 in 175,223,510, which compares unfavorably to the odds of dying from being struck by lightning** (1 in 3,000,000), being attacked by a shark (1 in 11,500,000), or a golfer hitting a hole in one on consecutive par-3 holes (1 in about 156,000,000). Good luck.

And that's it for today. 

Have a good day. Don't spend all that Powerball money just yet. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I'd have said that with tongue in cheek, but my cheek is still too swollen to let me get my tongue into it.

** Agnes is named after one of her relatives who, oddly enough, was killed when struck by lightning.

Secession Options

In the wake of the reelection of President Obama, large numbers of hysterical ultraconservative Republicans have decided that the appropriate response to losing the election is to secede from the United States. This is the same thoughtful, adult response that was common with Democrats after the reelection of George W. Bush back in 2008, demonstrating that brainless ass-clownery is not limited by political affiliation. Don't like the popular vote outcome - secede! After all, look how well it worked out for the Old Confederacy.

But before we condemn out of hand the dumbassity of those who would run screaming for the national exits because things didn't go their way, perhaps there is a realistic option for those who would rather live in the idyllic, utopian United States of the 19th century, rather than the complicated and messy world of today ...

I call your attention to this fascinating article: Huge Mars Colony Eyed by SpaceX Founder Elon Musk.

According to the article, the founder of the SpaceX commercial space flight company envisions a colony of up to 80,000 people on the Red Planet. SpaceX CEO Elon Musk was quoted as saying, "At Mars, you can start a self-sustaining civilization and grow it into something really big."

If nothing else, major Republican immigration would give new meaning to the description of Mars as "The Red Planet."

Think of the advantages for the secession-minded:

No problem with illegal immigration, because undesirables would not be able to afford the $500,000 cost of passage.

No need to pay taxes imposed by the perfidious and profligate US government, which would in any case be more than 140 million miles away.

Guns for everyone ... a necessity for protection against unfriendly Martians.

No need to worry about health care, because only healthy people would be allowed to make the trip.

And that's just for starters!

If you or one of your friends has signed one of the popular pro-secession petitions, act now! For only $500,000 you can move to the ultimate Red State ... Mars ... where you can enjoy the American Dream without the annoyance of actually being American ...

Don't let the door hit you in the backside on your way out.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Bad Memories

If, like me, you are active on Facebook, you know that the program helpfully suggests all sorts of people you might like to have as friends, based on its comparison of your digital profile to those of millions of other Facebook users. Most of the people it suggests to me are either people I already know, but have no particular interest in "friending," or people I've never heard of before and have no particular interest in knowing. The other day, though, it came up with a friend recommendation that brought back a tidal wave of bad memories.

The individual Facebook suggested I might want to "friend" was a despicable bully who made my grade-school and middle-school life utterly miserable. He and his friends believed that smaller, bookish people like me were put on earth for the sole purpose of making him feel powerful by giving him someone to torment. People may change over time, but I doubt that this individual has changed that much. I suspect he found a career as a debt collector or bouncer in a cheap club where he can continue making people's lives a living hell and get paid for it.

I hadn't thought about that person for many years, and have no interest whatsoever in being on the same continent with him, much less "friending" him. But this incident reminds me of a topic I've written about twice before in my blog, and which was the subject of an interesting opinion piece in Sunday's Washington Post ...

In December of 2006, I wrote an untitled post about a simple, yet profound question posed by Lance Morrow in his book Evil: An Investigation: what happens if nobody ever forgets? His question dealt with the inability of some people to forgive wrongs done in the distant past, and how that desire to cling to a hateful memory and seek vengeance prevents healing and moving on with life - Jews will never forget the Holocaust, American blacks will never forget slavery, Palestinians will never forget the creation of Israel, Armenians will never forget the genocide of 1915, and so on. What happens if nobody ever forgets? ... every wrong done by one person or group to another lives on in bitter memory. Forever.

A few years later, in April of 2010, I wrote a post titled Remembering to Forget that was based on a related idea: the observation by Viktor Mayer-Schoenberger that the Internet and cheap digital memory have led to an environment in which nothing is ever forgotten because everything can be simply and cheaply remembered ... an environment where the default value of a memory is save rather than forget.

And yesterday in the Washington Post, Mr Mayer-Schoenberger revisited his concept of the importance of forgetting in an interesting and timely article titled, Can We Forgive If We Can't Forget? His theme is summed up in this wonderful quote from the article:

"With comprehensive digital memories all around us, forgetting one another’s offenses becomes more difficult; through our digital tools we’ll be alerted to all that we thought we had forgotten. This will make it harder for us to forgive."

I had forgotten about the stupid bully from my childhood until Facebook suggested that I might want him as a friend. And when the memories came rushing back, there was no thought in my mind of reaching out and "friending" him and forgiving him for the misery he caused me ... all I remembered was the fear and the shame I'd endured at his hands every day all those years ago. 

Today I'm a perfectly happy professional adult, married to a great lady, with three wonderful children, six beautiful grandchildren and a large circle of friends ... and I still detest that one schoolyard bully I last saw nearly fifty years ago. 

I suppose I have proved Mr Meyer-Schoenberg's point.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Is Everybody Happy?

Ted Lewis was a popular American bandleader from the 1920s through the 1940s whose catchphrase was "Is everybody happy?"

Too bad he didn't have the benefit of modern scientific study to help answer the question.

According to a landmark study conducted by intrepid researchers at the University of Canterbury in New Zealand, people prefer having sex and getting drunk to doing housework and commuting to work.

Who knew?

The study used text message survey techniques to have participants rank 30 activities on three criteria: whether it brought them pleasure, how engaged they were with the activity and whether it brought them overall happiness. The results indicated that partying and drinking alcohol placed second overall, followed by religious activities and playing with children. Paid work (that is, having a job) was in 24^th place, just ahead of going to class but well behind the 21^st-place showing of personal grooming. Having sex took first place in all categories.

Now, there are some obvious shortcomings with this survey, not the least of which is that it relied on text messaging for data collection, thereby limiting the sampled group to tech-savvy, probably younger people. Nevertheless, the results are interesting.

In case you don't want to read the entire article, here are the top ten activities that the study indicated brought the most happiness:

1. Making Love/Having Sex.

2. Drinking Alcohol/Partying.

3. Care-giving/Volunteering.

4. Meditating/Religious Activities.

5. Childcare/Playing with Children.

6. Listening to Music/Podcasts.

7. Socializing/Talking/Chatting.

8. Hobbies/Arts and Crafts.

9. Shopping/Running Errands.

10. Gaming/Playing Video Games.

And the bottom ten happiness-bringing activities ...

21. Washing/Dressing/Grooming.

22. Internet/On Computer.

23. Commuting/Travelling.

24. Paid Work.

25. Lectures/Class/Lab.

26. Texting/E-mailing (interesting placement, given how the data for this survey was collected).

27. Studying/Working on Education.

28. Housework/Chores.

29. Facebook.

30. Sick/Healthcare.

So what does all this mean to you, Dear Readers?

You can help balance things out by combining sex with other, less happiness-enhancing activities to raise the overall happiness average of your life. For instance, when cramming for an exam (#27), study with a close friend and take frequent breaks (#1), or when sitting in a boring lecture #25), choose a seat in a remote corner of the lecture hall and engage in a little nookie (#1) while the lecturer drones on. You could also kill two birds with one stone by showering (#21) with a friend (#1). You might also apply #2 as necessary in conjunction with any lower-ranking activity.

The possibilities are endless!

Don't thank me ... it's all part of my ongoing efforts to help you cope with the rigors of a difficult world.

Have a good day. Seek balance. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Over that tryptophan-induced turkey coma yet? Read on, you'll wish you weren't ...

Israel and Hamas have agreed to a cease-fire in Gaza ... meaning that they've agreed to more-or-less stop shooting until the next time; Egyptian president Mohamed Morsy has grabbed dictatorial powers in that country, and is trying to avoid public anger by using the alias "Hosni Mubarak;" boxer Hector "Macho" Camacho is brain dead after being shot in the face during a drive-by shooting, saving him from becoming brain dead as a result of years of boxing matches; social networking giant Facebook has proposed to take away its users' right to vote on major issues concerning the governance of the online network, to the anger of people who can't figure out Facebook's privacy settings anyway; and nudists in San Francisco are up in arms over an attempt to institute a ban on public nudity*.

As November grinds to its cold and windy end, and we forget about all the things for which we can be thankful until next year, let's anesthetize ourselves with this week's cartoons, eh?

How about a few food-related cartoons to start with, in honor of everyone's slow recovery from Thanksgiving dinner? ...

And ...

And how about a topical pun, speaking of Thanksgiving overeating ...

I've gotten used to showing my ID everywhere I go, but some places really take it to extremes ...

It can happen ...

Tired of people you just barely know trying to be your best long-lost friend? No longer interested in everyone's political ideas?  Can't figure out the privacy settings? Maybe it's time for an alternative to Facebook ...

Could this be our future? ...

I've always believed that prices in a lot of stores are kept low to attract customers who can't shop there anyway because their jobs were outsourced to people in other countries who work for less ... in order to keep prices low. Got that? Here's another take on it ...

I always wondered what was involved in opening an offshore account ...

And finally, it's nice when you can prove something you always suspected ...

And that's it for your last Cartoon Saturday of November, 2012. Did you get through Black Friday yesterday? I hope so. Agnes and I survived by locking ourselves in the house and watching movies all day, except for when we took a long walk to try and banish a few of the accumulated calories.

Yes, I know it's a lost cause, but humor me here, okay.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Having lived in Europe for many years and visited nude beaches on several occasions, I can tell you that most people who want to go naked in public shouldn't. Yes, including me.

Great Moments in Editing - The Thanksgiving Edition

It's been a few weeks since we did the Great Moments in Editing thing, so I thought I'd dip into the collection and pull out a few items that deal with great seasonal topics ... like eating and shopping. Here we go ...

I've been using the old folk remedy of a teaspoon full of gin-soaked raisins every morning for my stiff neck, but I wonder if this might be more effective* ...

Back on the farm, we used to use old Sears catalogs ... but bagels? ...

Ah, this explains it! ...

Someday I may need a new job, but I'm not sure I'd want to take the physical for this one ...

I think I'll be packing my own lunch today, thank you ...

I don't think the sale price is quite low enough yet ...

Now, this is interesting ... you could eat and floss at the same time! ...

Well, not for the turkey, maybe ...

Somehow, "leftovers" might have been a better descriptive term, dontcha think? ...

And finally, if you are plagued with vast amounts of leftover turkey after yesterday's feast, you can try all sorts of exotic leftover turkey recipes. Or you could try the retail option ...

And that's it for this edition of Great Moments in Editing. I hope you all had as great a Thanksgiving as we did with our friends. Now go out and run 600 miles or spend 1,000 hours on the elliptical machine to get rid of it all.

Have a good day. Avoid the Black Friday crowds. And come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

* And cheaper, there being no shortage of donkey manure in DC.