Three Tickets to Pittsburgh

It's an old joke, but it has something to offend almost everyone ...

Three elderly priests returning from a retreat in the mountains of North Carolina were in a small rural railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well-endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy halter top. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. “Young lady,” he said, “I would like three pickets to Titsburg.” He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest went up to the window. “Young lady,” he said, “I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” He flushed bright red and slunk away from the window.

“Morons!”, the third priest muttered. He stepped up to the window. “Young lady,” he said, “I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the Pearly Gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his Peter at you!”

They took the bus.


Have a good day. Come back tomorrow to meet our second Ass Clown of the Month for October.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Adventures in Therapy and Economics

An elderly couple, both well into their 80's, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man asks, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that she agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

She thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 for the office visit, and says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the therapist to observe them again. The therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This same scenario plays out week after week ... the couple  makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after three months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask: just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house; I'm married; so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98 and the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all Medicare pays $43 of it!"

Of course, this is what the GOP thinks everyone on Medicare is going, so you have to watch your politics if you opt to go this route.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Black Bra

Yesterday's post was a bit of a downer, so why don't we cheer things up a little, eh?

Angel and Heidi have told their own bra stories. Here's another one ...

Three women met for lunch one afternoon. One had been married for more than 20 years, the second was engaged, and the third was the mistress of a wealthy industrialist.

They were chatting about ways to spice up their relationships, and decided to surprise their men by greeting them wearing nothing but a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask to cover their eyes. They agreed to meet the following week to exchange notes.

The week went by and the three ladies again met for lunch and to trade notes on their experiences.

The engaged woman said,

“The other night when my boyfriend came over I met him at the door wearing a black leather bra, stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you!' Then we made passionate love all night long.”

The mistress reported,

“Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office.  I was wearing a raincoat, and when I whipped it off, I was only wearing the black bra, heels, and the black mask over my eyes. He didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex for hours, right on his desk!”

The married woman said,

“When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and the black mask over my eyes. I threw open the door and he looked at me and said, “What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Have a good day. Dress for success. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Shaggy Dog Stories

The shaggy dog story is one of my favorite types of joke. It's usually an extremely long-winded story characterized by excessive and often irrelevant detail and finished off by an anticlimax or a totally unexpected punchline that's either irrelevant or a complex pun. Here are three of my favorite shaggy dog stories ...

An Indian chief had three wives (or squaws, in the language of the time). He was a vigorous and virile man, and soon all three of the squaws were pregnant. As the time of their confinement neared, the chief ordered that comfortable beds be prepared for each of them. The two junior squaws received beds made from the soft, prepared hides of wolves, while the third - favorite - squaw had a bed made from the very rare, imported hide of a hippopotamus. In due time all three squaws went into labor and delivered their children: the two women who slept on the beds made of wolf hides each had a single child - one a boy and the other a girl. The third squaw, however - the favored lady who slept on the bed made of the hippopotamus skin - bore twins, a boy and a girl. When the chief was notified of this, he thought for a while and then nodded sagely. "Makes sense," he opined. "The squaw of the hippopotamus hide is always equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides."

A man living in a remote village in Africa came down with a terrible stomach ache. He tried all the usual folk remedies to relieve the condition, but nothing worked, and so he finally broke down and went to his tribal shaman for help. The shaman studied the man carefully, then thought for a few minutes, consulted his notes, and decided on a course of action. He told the man to bring him a strip of untreated rawhide about a foot long. The man brought the rawhide thong to the shaman, who tied seven equidistantly spaced knots in it and gave it back to the sufferer. "Take this thong home with you," the shaman said, "And starting tomorrow, each day I want you to bite off one of the knots, chew it up, and swallow it. On the seventh day, after you eat the last knot, your stomach problems will leave your body when you go to the bathroom and excrete* what's left of the thong. The man went home and, as directed, ate one knot each day for the next week. But ten days later, he was back in the shaman's tent, complaining that his stomach ache was still there, and worse than ever. The shaman was puzzled and examined the man closely. Finally he sat back and shook his head in dismay. "I don't understand," he said. "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Everyone knows the story of how the legendary Carthaginian general Hannibal attacked Rome by doing the unexpected, leading his army over the snow-covered vastness of the Alps to attack from the north - the direction the Romans never expected. But as with all military campaigns, the tactical success of Hannibal's campaign depended on the logistics of supplying his army and getting it over the mountains. Most of the credit for this goes to Hannibal's chief of logistics, a brilliant Carthaginian engineer named George who designed huge racks made of logs that could be piled high with the army's tack and pulled along by the elephants that were the army's primary beasts of burden. George built the racks, the soldiers loaded them with supplies and equipment, and the army set out into the Alps with the elephants stoically pulling the enormous racks up the steep grades. Near the summit of one of the alpine passes, one of the elephants slipped on a patch of ice and stumbled, causing the leather straps that fastened the rack to his mighty shoulders to break ... and the heavily-loaded rack began a long, uncontrolled slide down the mountain. The huge rack thundered down the icy slope, gathering speed as men and beasts frantically leaped out of the way to avoid being crushed by its tremendous weight. As it roared along, it struck one of the war elephants, flipping it into the air, and dumping its riders to the round; the elephant landed on top of the speeding rack, bellowing in terror as its unexpected transport raced down the mountain. Far down the line of march, two weary, footsore Carthaginian soldiers were trudging along when they heard shouts and screams and a loud rumbling noise ahead ... they looked up and saw bearing down on them an enormous rack, loaded with supplies and with a huge elephant on top of the supplies, bellowing and roaring in fear as the rack sped faster and faster down the mountain. The two men leaped aside just in time to avoid being crushed by the speeding rack, and as they slowly got back to their feet and looked at the rack disappearing down the mountain, one man looked at the other and gasped, "Holy moley, what was that?" The other soldier looked down the mountain and replied, "It's a ramblin' rack from George's tack with an elephant engineer!"

Shaggy dog stories. Apply with care.

Have a good day. Send me a good joke if you have one. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I wasn't going to use the more graphic, earthy term ... children read this blog, after all.

Five Jokes

Mike and Angel seem to be able to get a lot of mileage out of posts consisting of jokes, so who am I to argue with success? Here are a few ya-has for a very cold Thursday morning ...

Number One ...

Pavlov was enjoying a drink at his local tavern when the phone rang. He jumped up and cried, "Oh, no! I forgot to feed the dog!"

Number Two ...

A woman went into a pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist shook his head and said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'd lose my license and my business, and we'll both go to jail! I absolutely cannot sell you any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Number Three ...

Q: What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

A: The marksman shoots and shoots, but doesn't hit.

Number Four ...

A fire and brimstone preacher was wrapping up his fiery temperance sermon when he shouted, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

With even greater emphasis he roared, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

Hitting his stride, he wrapped up his sermon by shouting, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and dump it into the river!"

The preacher sat down, everyone shouted "AMEN!!," and the song leader stood up and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn number 365: "Shall We Gather at the River." 

Number Five ...

Two men in a bar were comparing their sex lives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. 

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied. "She prefers dog trick style." 

"Wow ... kinky, huh?" 

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

Have a good day. Stay warm. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Old Joke ...

The other day over at Billions of Versions of Normal, Mike addressed what turns out to be a long-standing myth: that the posture of the horse in a statue of a mounted war hero has a particular meaning (all four hooves on the ground, one hoof in the air, horse rearing up on its hind legs*, etc). I had heard this before, but it was still interesting.

And it reminded me of an old joke ...

At the entrance to a park in a large city, a pair of statues stood on pedestals across from each other - a naked (but oddly modest) man and a naked (but, in the typical fashion of statues, not-quite so modest) woman, each reaching out to the other to form an archway of yearning but unrequited love across the sidewalk. For many years, through summers and winters, sun and rain and snow, the statues reached out to each other, their fingers scant inches apart, yet never touching.

One day an unemployed fairy** happened by and noticed the two statues. "This is so sad," she said in her high-pitched fairy voice. "All these years you have stood here in all weather, yearning for each other, yet never knowing each other's loving touch." A tear rolled down the fairy's cheek, and she suddenly realized that she could do a good deed! Reaching into her knapsack **, she pulled out a small bag of fairy dust and sprinkled it over the statues. "Live!" she whispered. "Indulge your passion so long denied!"

For a moment, nothing happened. And then, slowly, the two statues shuddered and began to move. They stretched legs and arms long locked in a single position, rotated necks stiff from years of inactivity, and gradually straightened up and stood on their pedestals with looks of awe on their now-living faces. And then the male statue shouted, "At last!!" as he leaped down from his pedestal and grabbed the female statue by the hand, and the two raced into the dense bushes beside the walkway.

For a few minutes there was silence, and then a burst of furious activity! Twigs cracked, leaves flew, and clouds of dust rose up, punctuated by gasps and moans and frantic cries of passionate abandon. This went on for many minutes, and then suddenly there was silence again.

Behind the bushes, the two statues lay side by side on the ground, their sweat-soaked bodies now streaked with mud, their hair tangled and full of leaves and broken twigs. They lay panting and gasping for several long minutes, and then the male statue asked gently, "How was it for you?"

"Oh, God, it was wonderful!" the female statue gasped. I never dreamed it could be so amazing!"

The male statue looked over at her and asked with a sly wink, "Shall we do it again?"

"Oh, yes!  YES!!" the female statue panted, with a look of pure ecstasy on her face. "Only this time, YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on him!"

Don't blame me ... blame Mike. It was his post that reminded me of the joke.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Mike reminds us in his post that the depiction of an animal rearing up on its hind legs is known in heraldry as a "rampant" figure. My own personal coat of arms shows a debtor rampant on a field of unpaid bills.

** Angel, perhaps your Guardian Angel Steve could use some help.

*** So, how did you think fairies carried things around?

Halloween Jokes

Yesterday afternoon I had the privilege of being the emcee for the Fall Showcase at Dance Studio Lioudmila in Alexandria. This is a wonderful job ... I get to do dress up and what I do well (be a ham) while spending the afternoon in a room full of beautiful ladies without the pressure of having to remember a dance routine. What's not to like?

One of the things you have to be ready to do as an emcee at a dance event is kill time between presentations when the inevitable glitches arise (costume changes, music doesn't work, wardrobe malfunctions, performers show up late, etc). For those cases, I always have to try to have plenty of silly, topical jokes on hand ... everybody groans about them, but they can't wait to use them themselves. Here is a selection of the Halloween-theme jokes from my notes ...

Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing? He could really get into the vaultz.

How does a witch-doctor ask a girl to dance? "Voodoo like to dance with me?"

How do you win a soccer game against a team of ghosts? You score more ghouls.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.

What do you call someone who puts poison in your cornflakes? A cereal killer.

Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.

What do you call a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist.

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? He got repossessed.

Why did the skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop.

What kind of monster is safe to put in a washing machine? A wash and wear wolf.

Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the boos.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.

Two zombies went to a party. One said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other one said, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

Go ahead and use these at your next party. Or let your kids use them at school. No charge.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo