When Insults Had Class

I enjoy insults. Not just any insults, but good insults, well-thought out and delivered with panache and impeccable timing. Nowadays, sadly, insults seem to fall into two categories:

1. Crude and without class, as in: "#$%! you!"

2. Just plain dumb, as in: "Your mother wears army boots!" This one is, of course, not so funny any more, now that so much of the Reserves and National Guard has been called to the war and all too many mothers actually do wear army boots.

There was a time when people were literate and well-educated, when they could still turn a good phrase and deliver a stinging insult that was both clever and deadly. My mother used to say that people who used foul language did so because they weren't smart enough to say anything better. I tend to agree with her, although I have to admit to using the occasional earthy comment when nothing else seems to fit the situation. The expression "horse's ass" is in a special category, being marvelously applicable to so many individuals in an election year.

Anyhow...

Courtesy of my friend Jake, here is a compilation of wonderful classic insults of the kind I wish I could deliver on demand:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

followed by Churchill's response:

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
--Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" To which Churchill replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it"

Got any others? Post them here as a comment or e-mail them to bilbo_the_blogger@yahoo.com. I'm always looking for good insults, particularly in an election year...not everyone running for president (or currently occupying the office) can rise to the esteemed level of "horse's ass."

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo