Monday, June 09, 2008

The World According to Wright

It's Monday again. Sigh.

Here in Northern Virginia, the weather forecast for the week is hazy, very hot, and humid - our usual summer combination. Temperatures today and tomorrow will be in the upper 90's, with humidity approaching 100%. My sweat glands will be working overtime. And yes, Amanda, I'm sure you are sitting there in Palembang, suffering through weather like this every day, but I could use a little sympathy anyhow.

Or a little humor to start off this beastly hot week.

Last month, I looked at the world from the point of view of Rita Rudner, one of my favorite comedians. Today, let's look at her male counterpart - Steven Wright.

Steven Wright is a hysterically funny comedian whose deadpan delivery, Albert Einstein-like appearance, and generally twisted observations of the world never fail to cheer me up. Here are a few Steven Wright-isms:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

That's your jump-start for another Monday. We need more Steven Wrights.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



The Mistress of the Dark said...

My favorite comedian is Greg Proops. Not sure why though. I loved him on Whose Line :) Its been awhile since I've seen anything with Steven though.

Mike said...

Same here. I haven't seen him in quite a while.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Some great lines there!

Amanda said...

After a day without of internet problems (and hot humid weather :) ), those lines were a fantastic read. It reminds me of all those little one liners you get in the Readers Digest Magazines.