Airline 1, Bilbo 0

Well, I'm back from my trip to lovely Colorado Springs. On balance it was a successful trip: on the way there, my bag and I arrived on the same flight, which arrived a few minutes early; my meeting was interesting and worthwhile; and on the way home, my bag and I once again arrived on the same flight, which arrived only about 15 minutes late (which, according to the airlines, counts as being on time).

But of course, that's not the whole story.

Back in the early days of flying (as much as a year ago), you received a paper ticket consisting of about 56 pages, of which only a few actually allowed you to fly...the others were covered front and back with disclaimers printed in .007 pitch font that explained that the airline wasn't really guaranteeing you anything. Nowadays, of course, you get a single printed boarding pass from a machine; the pass is printed only on one side; and you have to go to the airline's website to access the 56 pages of disclaimers.

This is called progress.

After years of flying, I have managed to identify most of the information applicable to me which was contained in those 56 pages. Here are the most significant items:

1. If an aircraft has 32 rows of seats, Bilbo will be seated in row 32. If row 32 is already full, he will be seated in row 31.

2. Bilbo will always be seated next to an individual the size of a harbor tug.

3. If there are three seats in the row, Bilbo will be seated in the center seat between two individuals the size of harbor tugs.

4. If the boarding is done by groups, Bilbo will always be included in the last group to board, to ensure that there is no more space available for his carryon in overhead bins or under seats.

5. If the boarding is done by rows from back to front, people seated in rows at the rear of the aircraft will have put their carryon bags in the overhead bins at the front of the aircraft so they won't have to worry there won't be any space left in the back when they get there.

6. If the rules say passengers may have one carryon and "one small personal item," at least 50% of the passengers will try to wedge suitcases the size of an upright piano into the bins, blocking the aisles as they do, and refusing all entreaties from airline personnel to check said suitcases with the rest of the baggage.

7. Airline seats - designed by Gestapo professionals - are cleverly made to ensure that the arthritis in my neck will have reduced me to sobbing, stiff-necked agony by the time I'm done scrunching away from my seatmates the size of harbor tugs.

There's more, but you get the idea.

I also had the delightful gate-change experience at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport yesterday afternoon...I was booked on a 1:05 flight to Washington Reagan Airport, departing from DFW's gate C-26. At 12:40, the agent at the gate announced that our flight was on time...and had just been changed to gate D-31. Now, you might think that a change from terminal C to terminal D wouldn't be so bad...after all, it's only one letter, right? Well, it's actually quite some distance, and requires a train ride to get there. I joined the frantic, thundering stampede of Washington passengers scrambling to get to the new terminal, and we came racing up to the gate...just in time for the announcement that the incoming flight had just arrived and wasn't at the gate yet, and that it would be at least 1/2 hour before we would be able to begin boarding.

And I ended up in seat 31A (window), right next to a very pleasant, but very huge fellow who took up about a quarter of my seat in addition to his own.

Let me just say that I'm glad to be home, and am not looking forward to flying again.


Have a good day. Take a bus. More thoughts tomorrow, on Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo