Ask Bilbo!

Yesterday, I invited you, Dear Readers, to submit your burning questions to ol' Uncle Bilbo. In a world and a time when you can't get a straight answer to anything - especially from anyone you've elected - there needs to be someone to whom you can go for the straight skinny, and it might as well be me.

Three of you submitted questions, and so let's get right to them ...

Faithful Reader Chrissy was first up, e-mailing me three questions:

Q: If you could live anywhere (money isn't a factor)...where would it be? Why?

A: Southern Germany. The landscape is beautiful, the food wonderful, the people friendly, and it's conveniently located for travel to Switzerland, Austria, France, and Italy. We're strongly considering retiring there when the time comes, although I'm not sure the $7.56 left in my retirement investment accounts will sustain us for long.

Q: If you could meet President Bush and Obama in a dark alley (nobody else around for miles)...what would you say to them?

A1: To President (George W) Bush: What the hell were you thinking when you started two wars, then cut taxes and borrowed the money to pay for them?

A2: To President Obama: When are you going to grow some cojones and start providing some leadership?

Q: If Cheney was to suddenly become a Drag Queen...what would his/her stage name be?

A: Dickless Cheney, of course.

Mike (of course) was the next person to send questions...he had five:

Q: What is pi squared?

A: Sheet cake (this was actually Agnes's answer, which I liked better than my own).

Q: I've gotten bored with the word verification game. Why?

A: Because you keep losing?

Q: What kind of drugs has Agnes been on all these years to put up with you? I want some.

A: The drugs don't work any more. These days, she's into auto hypnosis and extreme denial.

Q: How can the great Biblo (I think he means Bilbo) run out of words? I've always thought of you as a quantitative verbologist.

A: I never run out of words, just ideas. If I need new words, I just make 'em up. And "quantitative verbologist" sounds so much better than "overly wordy."

Q: Do you want to join my new political party, the conservative socialist independents?

A: Only if I can be in charge of publicly hanging morons.

The last set of questions was submitted by alanwoodhaven, who wanted to know ...

Q: You always have great comics on Saturday. What are your usual sources? How large a collection do you have in your files just waiting for their chance to shine?

A1: The usual sources? - I find new cartoons every day in various places on the Internet, including various newspapers and magazines and the marvelous azcentral.com. I also scan cartoons I find in various hard-copy media, and many are e-mailed to me by friends who spot them and think I'd like them (I accept all contributions at bilbo_the_blogger(at)yahoo(dot)com).

A2: How large a collection? - I have about 2700 in my "new and unused" file, and another 1100 in the "already used" folder. I also have about 500 in various "specialized cartoon" files, which include topics like "clowns," "dogs," "lawyers," "GPS," and "penguins."

Q: What's the speed of light?

A: The speed of light, often referred to in equations as c, is considered an absolute physical constant, and can be expressed in several ways, including:

- 186,000 miles per second;

- 700,000,000 miles per hour; and,

- 299,792,458 meters per second.

The speed of light is also considerably faster than the speed of sound, which is why you see the lightning before you hear the thunder, and why a lot of people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Well, there you have it - straight answers to your questions from your old buddy Bilbo. If you have any other questions, put them into the comments or e-mail them to bilbo_the_blogger(at)yahoo(dot)com, and I'll answer them in future "Ask Bilbo" posts.

After all, if you can't trust Bilbo, who can you trust?

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo