Friday, January 13, 2012

The Degree of Gasp

Today, Dear Readers, we are taking a break from our discussion of the Constitution to deal with an issue which is less momentous but, perhaps, a good deal more interesting.

I refer to the G-String ...

According to this article, women in France - who are among the world's largest buyers of lingerie - are eschewing the G-String in favor of other forms of lingerie they find more comfortable to wear and more sexy in appearance. This, of course, calls for the sort of detailed discussion that you have come to expect from ol' Bilbo.

Lingerie is one of the topics on which men and women are seldom likely to agree. Anything a man purchases for a woman from Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood is unlikely to be worn more than once (if at all), because the woman for whom it is purchased will probably think it is (1) uncomfortable and (2) embarrassing. I could probably comfortably retire if I could recover the money I spent over the years on lingerie for my Very Best Beloved, most of which was never worn.

Generally speaking, ladies' underthings (and swimwear) are priced according to a factor I call the Degree of Gasp. The Degree of Gasp, or Gd), can be calculated using the formula:

Gd = a-2 x av x c

where a is the area of flesh actually covered by the garment, av is the volume of air (in cubic meters) expelled by the observing male, and c is the cost of the garment as expressed by the formula c = 1/a, representing the inverse proportional relationship between cost and area of flesh actually covered.

I developed the theory of the Degree of Gasp many years ago while helping my daughter choose prom dresses and bathing suits (my "help," of course, consisting of sitting in a rickety chair outside the fitting room, helplessly fondling my checkbook while my wife and daughter worked their way through huge numbers of potential candidates). My daughter's dress or bathing suit selection was largely influenced by my reaction when she appeared in it; if my intake of air was of sufficient size to pull ragged, outdated fashion magazines off the waiting room table, the dress was a potential keeper.

I subscribe to the Picket Fence Theory of lingerie, formal dresses, and bathing suits: they should protect the property, but not obstruct the view. Generally speaking, the sexiness of a garment doesn't lie in what it shows, but in what it suggests ... which brings us back to the G-String.

The G-String doesn't leave much to the imagination, which makes it - in my humble opinion - less sexy than garments which cover more, leaving more to the imagination. This is not to say that we need to return to a more prudish era ...

... but to an appreciation of the value of suggestion. The only thing a G-String suggests to me is discomfort.

Well, I could write a great deal more on the subject of lingerie and bathing suits, but it's time to go to work ... which is much less fun, but makes more money. Sad, isn't it?

Have a good day. Enjoy the view. And come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.



Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I do not believe a single woman who says G's are comfortable could pass a lie detector test!

Men buy lingerie for men. Women buy lingerie for men. We'd wear fluffy socks and your T-shirt and be very happy!

Mike said...

Well this got me looking at google images for g-strings. Thanks for that. But... there were guys with g-strings also. Now I'm going to have to wash my eyes out with acid.

Chrissy said...

Haa, the picket fence theory. I've never heard that...but will be using that phrase OFTEN. Haa..too funny.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

G-strings and thongs are extremely uncomfortable to wear, sexiness notwithstanding. Been there, tried that. No way. Shopping for ladies' lingerie is complicated; there's an inverse power function law of lingerie:

lingerie's sexiness = 1/comfort

This is particularly true with bras, especially those that have underwiring. Personal fitting is important.

Truly, the most comfortable bra for some of us is a pair of Band-Aids. But the "What-if-you-wind-up-in-the-Emergency-Room" reason is why this is not often chosen.

In general, shopping for swimwear is a daughter-mother activity. Just saying.......

Big Sky Heidi said...

Wearing a G-string is almost going commando. Not for cold climates.

Women have their own comfort level when it comes to sexy undies. A truely sexy nighties are worn just for short-term occasions.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I really don't want a string up my bum. Just sayin'

Duckbutt said...

I think you have discovered the mathematics of panties.

Meredith said...

This is a remarkable insightful post, from the point of view of someone with teen daughters.