Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The PC University School of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences

Yesterday, we studied the organization and some of the course offerings of the College of Ultra-Liberal Arts and Sciences of the Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development (STUPID). Because this is a blog dedicated to equal treatment for ass-clownery of both the left and the right, today we look at the equivalent course offerings for STUPID's College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences. You've been warned ...

Current Course Catalog
of the
Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development (STUPID)

Part 2: Course Offerings of the College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences

At STUPID’s College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences, we specialize in higher-order skills that obviate the need for independent and critical thought and provide students with rock-solid, truthful alternatives to the socialist drivel of The Liberal Left. We are especially proud of our admission policies which ensure that every member of the top 1% can achieve a quality, faith-based, truth-centered education unencumbered by irrelevant and annoying facts. All students accepted to STUPID’s College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences based on their ancestors’ financial contributions to The College are guaranteed passing grades and a successful graduation, regardless of their demonstrated level of academic distinction, as long as our modest academic requirements are met. A firm belief in Affirmative Action ensures that the children of millionaire entrepreneurs can compete with those of multi-billionaire CEOs for admission to our programs. Competition is out - all classes operate on the principles of rote memorization, effective use of volume as a vehicle for prevailing in debate, and the careful selection and parsing of references, and do not require routine class attendance or participation which might negatively impact fraternity/sorority participation or recreational travel.

Funding for STUPID is provided by the taxpayers of the United States through their generous support of bailouts for struggling banks, brokerage firms, and non-competitive industries, which trickles up to the 1% level to ensure a quality conservative education for all who are worthy of it. You will note that not many courses are offered in our degree program in Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences. This is because there is no need for you to think independently or master complex course material: all the knowledge needed by a true Conservative was discovered long ago and is readily available from such trustworthy and clearly-infallible sources as The Rush Limbaugh Show and any program on Fox News.

P116 (C) – The Trickle-Down Theory of Quantum Mechanics.
Course applies fundamental conservative principles to the concepts of matter and energy. Students will gain an understanding of how more highly charged states of matter increase the energy potential of matter existing at lower states. At the conclusion of this course, students will be able to explain with a straight face how undesirable matter can be transformed from lead into gold, using the packaging of subprime mortgages and the minimization of taxes on business and the wealthy as case studies.

P221 (C) – Liberal Bias in Science, Technology, the Arts, and Everything Else.
This is only a one-credit course because the liberal bias in every aspect of society is so blatant that it requires little academic effort to address it. Students may substitute enraged comments posted to online news stories with which the student disagrees for the optional term paper. Extra credit is given for use of proper spelling and punctuation.

P250 (C) - Space Occupation Theory - a Conservative Approach
Examines conservative approaches to the traditional theory that two particles of matter can not occupy the same space at the same time. This course applies conservative theories to conclusively demonstrate that the physical space already owned and occupied by matter cannot be "occupied" by less desirable elements. Students are required to provide their own pepper spray, tasers, plastic flex-cuffs, and subpoenas. Contact the instructor for the location of the class.

P287 (C) – Wind as an Alternative Source of Energy.
Course will examine the harnessing and exploitation of wind as a vehicle for the generation and maintenance of power. Wind will be provided by visiting professors McConnell, Boehner, and Cantor from the Kentucky, Ohio, and Virginia campuses, and by adjunct professor Gingrich of no fixed address.

P326 (C) - Creative Cognitive Dissonance.
Students will learn techniques of applying deeply-held conservative principles to the denial of unpleasant facts. Course material will include new and creative approaches to rationalizing trickle-down economic theory and creatively denying climate change.

If you have deeply-held beliefs matched by a fervent desire to close out opposing opinions, the STUPID College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences is reaching out to you! Enroll now!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



eViL pOp TaRt said...

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could harness the political winds for good use! I hope,at least, that the fellow with the amphibian name will stop soon.

This article says it all about the deficiencies in the ultra-conservative world view. Between those and the liberal fallacies that you lampooned yesterday, is it a wonder tha nationally we get caught up in the inconsequential doinds of Kim, Justin, and Selma to escape from the din!

Mike said...

Finally, a college where I don't have to think. Maybe I'll get that degree after all.