Thursday, December 20, 2012

Gifts That Keep on Giving

Continuing with the general topic of All Things Christmas ...

We're all familiar with the concept of regifting ... the passing on to another of a gift someone has already given to you, generally a hideous white elephant that you didn't like or want in the first place. Think of it as a sort of recycling, while pondering the linguistic oddity that the word Gift in German means poison*.

Which brings me to today's topic, a poem by Marge Piercy titled "Gifts That Keep on Giving" ...

You know when you unwrap them:
fruitcake is notorious. There were only
51 of them baked in 1917 by the
personal chef of Rasputin. The mad monk
ate one. That was what finally killed him

But there are many more bouncers:
bowls green and purple spotted like lepers.
Vases of inept majolica in the shape
of wheezing frogs or overweight lilies.
Sweaters sized for Notre Dame's hunchback.

Hourglasses of no use humans
can devise. Gloves to fit three-toed sloths.
Mufflers of screaming plaid acrylic.
Necklaces and pins that transform
any outfit to a thrift shop reject.

Boxes of candy so stale and sticky
the bonbons pull teeth faster than
your dentist. Weird sauces bought
at warehouse sales no one will ever
taste unless suicidal or blind.

Immortal as vampires, these gifts
circulate from birthdays to Christmas,
from weddings to anniversaries.
Even if you send them to the dump,
they resurface, bobbing up on the third

day like the corpses they call floaters.
After all living have turned to dust
and ashes, in the ruins of cities
alien archeologists will judge our
civilization by these monstrous relics.

You can chew on that one ... so to speak ... when you open that fruitcake or abominable hand-knitted sweater with arms of unequal length on Christmas morning.

And speaking of monstrous relics, there's still time to cast your vote(s) for the Ass Clown of the Year award. Balloting so far is all over the place ... we have ten nominees at this point, with none of them having received more than two votes. The two-vote nominees leading the pack are The GOP, The Democratic Party, and Congress. Vote now, vote early, vote often.

Are you ready for the apocalypse? The world is ending tomorrow, so be sure your affairs are in order. If you aren't having an affair, this would be a good time to go out and start one**.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow, assuming the Mayans were wrong.


* This is good to know if you're married to a German.

** If you're stupid.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

Fruitcakes are like summer's zucchini -- you covertly leave them on someone's porch and hope you won't get detected!

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

I'm hoping the Mayan doomsday is true to avoid the post-Christmas bills.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

The cartoon about sums it up for me :(

Mike said...

If I sent your letter back to you from a few years back, would that be considered a letter from me, regifting, or backgifting?

allenwoodhaven said...

I vote for the Republicans; they deserve it more than anyone else!