Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Is Santa Really a Man?

First things first: the NRA has finally come up voice on the horrible murders at the Sandy Hook Elementary School. A statement posted on their website says in part, "The NRA is prepared to offer meaningful contributions to help make sure this never happens again."

You'll pardon me if, based on the NRA's past behavior, I take that with ...

But we need some humor to help get through this terrible time ... so here it is, courtesy of my friend Bob:

Is Santa Really a Man?

I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he is actually a she

Think about it ... Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off.

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely if Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by being seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling "a bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless a woman is wearing them.

Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Milk and cookies left out by the fireplace? A man would demand beer and beef jerky.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Now, I can believe that some other mythical holiday characters are men ...

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Clearly a guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

And Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers ...

Any one of these individuals could get a man card. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

So ...

Sorry to burst your bubble, but it looks true to me. What do you think? Leave a comment.

Less than a week until Christmas - better get moving on those cards and decorations.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



eViL pOp TaRt said...

You make a good case that Santa is a woman! I never thought of it before. But what about bring bad children lumps of coal or switches? Ms. Santa would give them the freeze instead.

Amanda said...

You've convince me. There is also the added point that its all the moms that do the planning for what 'Santa' will bring and organizes the delivery of it.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

The pic is proof positive: Santa is a hot babe!

Grenouille Fille said...

Mme. Santa is too well-prepaired to be a blonde!

Mike said...

'Men aren't interested in stockings unless a woman is wearing them.'


allenwoodhaven said...

You have a convincing argument, but wouldn't it be just like a man to get others to do the work (i.e. Mrs Claus and the elves) and then take all the credit? Sounds like a man to me!

Big Sky Heidi said...

Would Santa wear fishnet stockings?