Friday, July 04, 2014

Revocation of Independence Day

Today we celebrate the most uniquely American of our national holidays – the Fourth of July, otherwise known as Independence Day - the day in 1776 when the Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Second Continental Congress. Adoption and publication of the Declaration of Independence marked a watershed moment in the movement by many (although not all!) in the thirteen American colonies to break away from Great Britain and establish the United States as an independent nation.

It’s a day marked by picnics, family reunions, and displays of patriotic fervor including parades, the prominent display of flags, consumption of large amounts of hamburgers, hot dogs and beer, and the launching of millions of fireworks.

In honor of this year’s Fourth of July, and in acknowledgement of how well and truly our elected reprehensives are trying to screw up the nation, here is a classic piece of what-if satire, edited by yours truly to bring it up to date (I first saw it back in the early 2000’s) ...


A Notice from Her Majesty's Government to the Citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your demonstrated failure to adequately govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded, and a questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition of the former United States to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as “favour” and “neighbour;” skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced “zed,” not “zee”) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.” You will learn that the suffix ‘-burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed.” There will be no more bleeps on live television. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

3. You should learn to distinguish the various English accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to “Cockney” and “Upper-Class Twit,” and you will also have to learn how to understand regional accents. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British shows such as “Fawlty Towers” and “Sherlock” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience with short attention spans, a limited vocabulary, and an aversion to political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen.”

6. You will stop playing American “football.” There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football, which for some reason you insist on calling "soccer." Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls, as it is a difficult game and they will be able to teach you. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football,” but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2015. You should also stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America*. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a children's game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hot dogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde**.

8. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle dangerous weapons, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will be required to learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French - they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the chap who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. Speaking of beer, the cold and tasteless stuff you insist on selling under that name is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “lager.” The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

12. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will correspond with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Have a good day. Be of good humour, and be safe on this happy holiday. Don't drink and drive. Or drink and play with fireworks. More thoughts tomorrow.


* Other than in Japan, which does not count.

** The French word for excrement.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

We have a hurricane to keep off the coast. Not wearing "my stupid hat," to quote the Governor.

Here's a huge reason to be grateful that our Independence stuck: the future King Charles III!

Have a great Fourth, Bilbo!

Mike said...

"...should be served warm and flat."
That's enough to start another revolution right there!

Leroy said...

We don't need no stinking u's in color and honor. And we're doing fine without becoming a nation of yobbos.

Grand Crapaud said...

Great satire!

I prefer my beer cold. And not beery piss like English beer,