Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Little-Known Physical Laws

As you know, Dear Readers, I graduated from Penn State many years ago with a degree in Linguistics. What you may not know is that I did not start out in that program – I actually went to college with the intent of majoring in Chemistry. Unfortunately, my lack of facility with higher mathematics (and lower mathematics, too)* led to the necessity of finding an academic program that I could actually understand and pass.

Hence, Linguistics. German grammar beats integral calculus any day.

I also had a great deal of trouble with Physics, largely because Physics was full of the same bothersome equations and Greek letters and such that had caused me to crash on the rocks of calculus. But as it turns out, there are a lot of laws of physics that don’t involve ghastly mathematical manipulation and are important to understanding the world at large. Here are a few …

The Law of Perverse Gravity - Any small part, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

The Law of Observatory Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of whatever you are doing.

The Law of Random Number Response - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

The Law of Variation of Velocity - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in before will always move faster than the one you are in now. This is also true when you change checkout lines in a store.

The Law of Water-Telecommunication Relationship - A body fully immersed in a bathtub will cause the telephone to ring.

The Law of Undesirable Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when:
(1) You are with someone you don't want to be seen with; and,
(2) You are someplace you shouldn't be.

The Law of Petulant Machinery - When you try to demonstrate to someone – typically a repairman who charges a fortune just to show up at your house – that a machine won't work, it will function perfectly.

The Inverse Extension Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach of your arm.

The Law of Inappropriate Seat Location – This law has three parts:
(1) At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle will always be the last to arrive.
(2) They will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or to the toilet, and will leave before the end of the game or performance.
(3) People who occupy aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, will not stand up to let you pass, and stay to the bitter end of the game or performance.

The Law of Directed Dissipation of Heat - As soon as you sit down with a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

The Law of Locker Location - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers, no matter how many lockers are available.

The Law of Surface Attraction - The odds of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly proportional to the age and cost of the rug.

The Law of Unsupported Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Congress proves this every day.

Obey the laws of physics ... don't fall up.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.


* That explosion in the undergrad chemistry lab didn’t help things, either, but we won’t talk about that.


Duckbutt said...

I have experienced the effects of several of these little known laws of physics.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

There is a corollary to the Law of Observational Probability: if you experience embarrassment, the number of witnesses to it dramatically increase.

Grand Crapaud said...

I like those laws.

Mike said...

If you have to work outside it will be raining. If you have inside work it will be sunny and nice outside.

Anemone said...

The Law of Undesirable Encounters is too true, like when you are with a guy and your ex happens to show up.