GOP Bingo

If you are one of my friends on Facebook, you already saw an earlier version of this last week ... this one has a few tweaks based on comments received from initial reviewers.

Are you running out of things to keep you occupied while stuck at home during this holiday season? Why not play my new board game - GOP Bingo! Play it just like traditional bingo: pull out the cards whenever someone puts on Fox News or OANN or Newsmax, or you see a GOP official being interviewed on a news program or giving a speech on C-SPAN, or you score one of the many empty seats at one of Der Furor's rallies. Just use whatever is at hand (bullets are preferred by true Republicans) to cover the appropriate grid square each time you hear one of the gaslighting words or phrases ... cover five in a row (across or down), or five on a diagonal (including the free space), and you win! Print it out and play today! It's fun for all ages, but especially for those whose political age is five or under!

Any other ideas for additional blocks? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

A Non-Political Post

I'm getting tired of the endless, circular debates over my political posts, and I usually feel like this when the dust settles ...

Therefore, I've decided to do a post today that is entirely non-political, although definitely hard-edged ...

You're welcome.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Linguistic What-Ifs

What do you suppose the person who invented the walkie-talkie would have called other things if he (or she) had invented them?

Postage Stamp = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillator = Hearty Starty

Bumble Bee = Fuzzy Buzzy

Home Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby

Bra =Breastie Nestie

Fork= Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heaties

Hippopotamus = Floaty Bloaty

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

Any other suggestions? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Going Out in Style

How do we remember and memorialize our most significant citizens?

When the mighty pharaohs died in ancient Egypt, they were buried in huge pyramids and elaborate tombs stuffed with gold and other funerary gifts ... today in America, we honor our presidents by building libraries and naming aircraft carriers for them ... except for Ronald Reagan, who not only has a library and an aircraft carrier, but whose name has been applied by the GOP to a huge federal building in Washington, as well as the local airport, a highway, a Metro station, and lots of other stuff*.

We also honor our presidents and our citizens great and small with fawning obituaries and with funeral services in varying degrees of ceremonial complexity. An interesting article in the Washington Post a few days back discussed the art of the obituary page, analyzing the wide range of names that reflected America's multinational and multiethnic makeup and explaining how death notices are written. Lest I be accused of being morbid, the article was actually fun and clever, focusing on the death notice of a local woman whose announcement was full of the funny Yiddish phrases and terms she loved to use.

And, as so many things do, that got me to thinking ...

What might we expect to see at the funerals of some current "notables?" Here are a few of my thoughts ...

Mourners attending the interment of Harvey Weinstein will be invited to grope up handfuls of earth to throw on the coffin.

Donald Trump will have the biggest, best funeral in history. It will be held at the magnificent Mar-a-Lago estate - the finest of its kind in the world - and will be attended huge numbers of mourners - far more than attended the funeral of any other past or present president, king or emperor, for that matter. You'll never see a bigger, more lavish or better-attended funeral, believe me!

Mike Pence's funeral will showcase the magnificent presidency of Donald Trump, the greatest president of all time, whom Mr Pence was proud to serve as the highlight of his professional life. His gravestone will feature Donald Trump's name first, and in larger letters.

Jeff Sessions will never die or have a funeral, because Donald Trump will refuse to accept his death certificate. He will continue in office indefinitely as a political zombie, neither dead nor alive.

In spite of the traditional song that implores mourners to "bury me not on the lone prairie," Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke will insist on a prairie burial, because all that useless, empty land out west should be available for everyone to use as they want. Mr Zinke's personal flag will be flown over the grave at all times to show that he's present.

The funeral of NRA President Wayne LaPierre will include an honor guard armed with semiautomatic weapons fitted with bump stocks for extra event protection against terrorists, criminals, and other commiepinkoratbastards, and will feature a 300 million-gun salute.

And,

Hillary Clinton's obituary will blame everyone else for her death.

Those are my ideas - what are yours? Leave a comment so that we can make sure we send off our betters in style.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* You can find a complete list here.

The People's Choice, 2020

You may have seen this great recent Bizarro cartoon ...

The best part is the campaign slogan: "Make-Believe Leadership for a Make-Believe World."

Sad, but true.

Later on today, I'll be meeting fellow blogger John for an early dinner as he roars through town on his road trip around the country. I always enjoy meeting with fellow bloggers, and it's always fun to see the reactions of people experiencing Interstate 95 in NoVa for the first time. I'll let you know how it goes.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow, when we experience more Great Moments in Editing and Signage.

Bilbo

The Literal Meaning of State Names

Most of us, in the course of growing up and getting a basic education, learned the meaning of our state names. For instance, growing up in Pittsburgh, I learned that Pennsylvania literally means Penn's Woods - William Penn being one of the founders of the Commonwealth*. Now I live in another commonwealth - Virginia - the name of which means, Country of the Virgin**.

If you never had the opportunity to learn the literal meaning of your state's (or Canadian province's) name, you may be interested in this article from Simplemost - This Map Shows the Literal Meaning of Every State Name.

Of course, there's a difference between the literal translation of the state's name and the realistic translation, which may differ in actual linguistic accuracy.

For instance ...

The literal meaning of Texas is Friend; however, a more up-to-date translation might be Heavily Armed;

New Jersey was named after the English Channel island of Jersey, but might actually mean, What the $%@¢ You Lookin' At?;

Colorado means Sandstone Soil, but lately might actually translate as Primo Weed; and,

Canada's Yukon literally means Great River, although a better translation might be Freeze Your Cojones.

Those are a few of my suggestions ... do you have any others? Leave a comment.

Have a good day, no matter how you translate it. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* For more on the difference between a "state" and a "commonwealth," go here. In any case, I don't seem to be sharing in much of that common wealth.

* Not applicable in all cases.

The Benefits of Flatulence

I have learned over the years that my posts that deal with unusual topics tend to get higher readership statistics, have more readers and get more comments. Far and away, the most popular topic is - oddly enough - sex; however, there are other natural body functions that attract attention as well.

My high school friend and fellow book lover Mary Lou recently pointed me to this interesting article at RemedyDaily.com: Eight Surprising Reasons Farting Is Good for You. Seven reasons* that passing gas (or, to use the proper medical term, farting**) is good for you are:

1) It reduces bloating;

2) It helps balance your diet;

3) It helps relieve abdominal pain;

4) It's good for your colon;

5) It provides valuable signals about your health;

6) It helps diagnose food allergies; and,

7) It feels good.

The eight reason farting is good for you (it's actually #5 on the list in the article) is ...

8) Inhaling farts is good for you. 

Yes, Dear Readers, a study conducted at the University of Exeter*** has found that exposure to small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas^† (which our guts produce during digestion) may prevent mitochondrial damage to our cells, helping to prevent strokes, heart disease, and arthritis, among other things.

Who knew?

And there are other benefits to breaking wind that are not addressed in the article or in the scholarly work of the University of Exeter. These include:

- Getting rid of unwanted company. A good fart can clear a room faster than Seal Team 6.

- Expressing political opinions without unnecessarily antagonizing others. Are you tired of listening to people mindlessly justifying the latest horse hockey from the Trump administration? Instead of starting a fight and alienating friends and family members, just fire off a major toot to discourage further conversation.

- It's fun. You don't have to be six years old to appreciate the humor value of a good fart.

And finally ...

- It can help introduce you to aspects of high technology you didn't know existed. Check out the Ultimate Fart Soundboard, only $4.99 ... or, if you just want single tracks, they're available at $0.99 each!

So, Dear Readers, play your butt trumpet proudly, knowing that you're doing good for yourself and others. And if you need more fart-related humor, check out this blow-by-blow account of the Crepitation Contest between Lord Windesmear and challenger Paul Boomer ...

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* We'll get to the eighth in a minute, don't worry.

** For a list of other euphemisms for the act, check here.

*** "The synthesis and functional evaluation of a mitochondria-targeted hydrogen sulfide donor, (10-oxo-10-(4-(3-thioxo-3H-1,2-dithiol-5-yl)phenoxy)decyl)triphenylphosphonium bromide (AP39)." 

† That's the one that smells like rotten eggs.

The Periodic Table of Irrational Nonsense

One of the most useful tools available to those studying chemistry is the famous "Periodic Table" originally codified by the Russian scientist Dmitri Mendeleev to illustrate trends that had been observed in the properties of the elements and to predict other elements not yet discovered. This is what the Periodic Table looks like (click the image to embiggen it):

Now, the Periodic Table is marvelously useful for scientists, but it's also a wonderful point of departure for all sorts of other comic or satirical adaptations. I've devoted three blog posts to various examples of those, which you can go back and read here (the Periodic Table of Awesoments*), here (The Periodic Table of The Lord of the Rings), and here (Ye Olde Periodic Table). 

Now, there's a new one: The Periodic Table of Irrational Nonsense, developed by Crispian Jago and published in his blog The Reason Stick. You can review the PTIN here** ... and here is a family-friendly version of what it looks like:

In reviewing the PTIN, it occurs to me that it is incomplete: it does not cover all the current areas of irrational nonsense in politics, economics, and sociology. I think I'm going to start working on it, and I'll let you know how it goes; if you have any thoughts, leave a comment or e-mail me.

Have a good day, in spite of all the irrational nonsense swirling around you. More thoughts tomorrow, when we announce the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for June.

Bilbo

* Unfortunately, since I published that post, the original link included to the Dapperstache website has gone to bit heaven, and the larger image of the Table of Awesoments does not respond when you click on it. You can, however, still view the table here.

** It is very funny, devastatingly accurate, guaranteed to piss off almost everyone, and not suitable for children.

A Man's Age Expressed in Terms of a Trip to Home Depot

My brother sends me a lot of e-mail, most of which is political and designed to get me spun up. He also sends a lot of funny stuff, most of which is either obscene or just unsuitable for repeating in a general-audience blog. This one, however, I thought was pretty funny. I've seen variations of it before, but this one was the best. Readers like Mike and John will appreciate it now ... the rest of you will appreciate it later ...

You are in the middle of some home project: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers, or fixing a broken door lock. You're hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you’re doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you’re doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you’re doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The cute young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's hot.

In your 50s: Stop what you’re doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog poop in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember … the hat you’re wearing is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60s: Stop what you’re doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog poop off your shoes. Forget the mirror, it only shows pictures of some fat, bald guy. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you’re doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pickup, and check your grocery list for a quick stop there … got to save trips! You don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… but who cares, anyhow.

In your 80s: Stop what you’re doing. Start again. Stop again. Remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you’re looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s and beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Who farted?

Have a good day. Enjoy getting older ... for all the drawbacks, it's better than not getting older.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Interview with the Almighty

Things had gotten so bad in American politics that God finally decided he needed to step in and sort things out. He invited former presidents George W. Bush and Barack Obama, and sitting president Donald Trump to discuss how to make things better.

God began by turning first to Mr Bush and asking: "What do you believe in?"

Mr Bush replied: "I believe in free markets, low taxes, the Second Amendment, and a strong American nation!"

"Very well," said God. "Come and sit here at my right hand."

God then turned to Mr Obama and asked the same question: "What do you believe in?"

Obama immediately answered: "I believe in the power of democracy, equality of opportunity, and equal rights for all."

"Good," said God, nodding approvingly. "Come and sit to my left."

Finally, God turned to Donald Trump and asked: "What do you believe in?"

Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair, loser."

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for the announcement of our Right-Cheek Ass Clown for February. More thought then.

Bilbo

Adopting Sophia's Approach to Privacy

When we moved into our house in 1992 and I adopted the front corner bedroom for use as my study, I quickly ran into a problem: in order to fit in my desk and all my bookshelves, I had to remove the door. This meant that, unless I decided to go with tacky beads or opaque plastic sheets, I would have to give up the privacy provided by a door.

Now, this is not as crucially important nowadays, as only Agnes and I are in the house most of the time, and I don't generally need to keep her out of my study*. The grandchildren aren't here all that often, and most visitors don't wander around the house and poke their noses in. But nevertheless, most of us need a little privacy now and then.

Enter Sophia.

I found this clever flowchart posted on Miss Cellania's wonderful blog a few days back:

    

This young lady has a fairly sophisticated and methodical approach to minimizing unwanted traffic into her room, and it got me to wonder how I might adopt her strategy to help keep people out of my study, given the lack of a functioning door. Here's my version of Sophia's chart; click to embiggen ...

Just so you're not surprised if you come to visit.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Except when I'm wrapping gifts, or when I have to hide the supply of chocolate for one reason or another.

New Standard Required

Now that the Chicago Cubs, after a 108-year drought, have won the World Series, we need to come up with a new standard expression for things that have no chance of happening. "When the Cubs win the Series" can't be used any more, and "When hell freezes over" is overused. Here are a few suggestions ...

"When the FBI stops finding e-mails."

"When the Republicans come up with a plan to replace Obamacare."

"When the Democrats come up with a realistic economic policy."

"When the Chinese stop building islands."

"When Donald Trump gives a coherent speech without insulting anyone."

Any other suggestions? Leave a comment.

The election is less than a week away ... be sure you vote if you are eligible. It's your duty as a citizen.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Topical Memes

I'm tired of thinking, so I thought I'd just share a few of the better Internet memes I've seen recently. Feel free to use as needed ...

Seen at a (insert name of candidate you hate) rally ...

Good point ...

Your language lesson for today ...

I've found a candidate I can endorse* ...

Yes, you there on the religious right and the nanny left ...

We'd be out of candidates in a matter of minutes ...

Speaking as one who often has to answer questions from friends in other countries, I endorse this message ...

No other comment necessary ...

Have a good day. See you tomorrow for the latest installment of Great Moments in Editing and Signage. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Yes, it's an old picture.

Tiny Hands

Among all the insults and stupid comments that have been cast in the ongoing presidential campaign circus was the one launched by Marco Rubio of Florida, who commented that Donald Trump had small hands for such a large man. What he actually said was this:

"He [Trump] is taller than me, he's like 6' 2", which is why I don't understand why his hands are the size of someone who is 5' 2". "Have you seen his hands? And you know what they say about men with small hands -- "

Rubio's follow-on comment was "You can't trust them."

And Mr Trump, never one to let a real or perceived insult go unanswered*, launched into a series of responses that ended up with jokes, cartoons, and memes about physical qualifications for president.

And the latest offshoot of this useless distraction from the issues is ... the Tiny Hands font, based on Donald Trump's handwriting and available now for use on your computer ...

I have the very best hands. Those hands can hit a golf ball 285 yards.

If your computer won't render the font, you can get it for free here and install it on your own system.

That's me - your ... uh ... font of interesting, but ultimately useless stuff.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Unless he delivered it himself. The New York Times ran a two-page spread the other day with a complete listing of all the insults Mr Trump has delivered.

The Devil's Dictionary for an Election Year

If you have never had the pleasure of reading through Ambrose Bierce's classic work The Devil's Dictionary, you ought to do so. There are several versions of it available online (one is located here), and it can be purchased at any bookstore.

Considering that this is an election season of unusual bizarreness (bizarrity? bizarritude?), I thought it might be useful to see how Mr Bierce defined some of the terms commonly heard in conjunction with our national self-flagellation in The Devil's Dictionary ...

VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom — and of whom only — it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws*.  

JUSTICE, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.

ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

LEGISLATOR, n. A person who goes to the capital of his country to increase his own; one who makes laws and money.

LIBERTARIAN, n. One who is compelled by the evidence to believe in free-will, and whose will is therefore free to reject that doctrine.

CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

CABINET, n. The principal persons charged with the mismanagement of a government, the charge being commonly well founded.

ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. 

POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

What are your favorites? Check out the dictionary online and leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Or, as I would define it, "A body of men and women who meet to accuse each other of malfeasance and prevent each other from accomplishing anything worthwhile."

Why Is It That ... ?

One of my favorite publications, the old Mad Magazine, featured great satire, wonderful sight gags, great puns, and lots of features like "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions." Someone sent this to me, and I don't know if it was ever in Mad Magazine, but it should have been ...

Why is it that ...

When your hands are covered in grease, your nose will itch and you'll need to pee.

Whenever you drop anything, it will roll to the least accessible place possible.

The probability that you're being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Wrong numbers are never busy; someone always answers.

Whichever traffic lane you change to will always move slower than the one you left.

If you pick the shortest checkout line in any store, it will stop moving.

Whenever your body is fully wet, the phone will ring.

The chance of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

When you try to show that something doesn't work, it will.

The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and will leave during the performance.

As soon as you sit down with a cup of hot coffee, your boss will want you to do something which will take until your coffee is cold.

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

The chance of messy food falling is directly correlated to the newness and price of the carpet beneath it.

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

As soon as you find a product you really like, they'll stop making it.

If you don't feel well, make a doctor's appointment; by the time you get in, you'll feel better; if you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.

Got any more? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

It's About Time ...

... and how we calculate it at Chez Bilbo ...

I haven't found a similar chart yet for ink-on-paper books or crossword puzzles, but I'm sure they're out there ... and would apply.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for the announcement of October's Right-Cheek Ass Clown. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Yellow Pages Game

Yesterday we received our updated copy of the Northern Virginia South Edition of the Yellow Pages - for those of you in other countries, it's the quasi-authoritative guide to local business addresses and telephone numbers.

The book is divided into two sections: one (the "White Pages," a straight alphabetical listing of NoVa businesses, from "A 1 Express Towing" to "Zyuzin Technology;" and the other (the "Yellow Pages") sorted alphabetically by the type of business. The latter section allows you to find, say, a plumber if you don't know the name of a specific plumber, and it facilitates your search by listing guide words at the top of each page, much like a dictionary. And this is gives rise to what we call the Yellow Pages Game.

Sometimes, the guide words at the top of each page give you some ... interesting ... combinations, and the Yellow Pages Game challenges you find outrageous combinations and then define them. Here are a few examples:

Abortion-Accountants. I'm not sure whether these are more likely to be employed by "pro-choice" or "pro-life" advocates.

Payday-Pest. The people who seem to come out of the woodwork with outstretched hands as soon as you get your paycheck.

Hair-Handyman. Because sometimes you need a specialist, like Praty down at the local Hair Cuttery who makes me look like a movie star every few weeks.

Fire-Flood. In case you need to order up a biblical scourge on your enemies.

Lawn-Lawyers. When you really want to sue the SOD ... I mean, SOB.

Chimney-Chiropractors. For those specialized repairs.

Beer-Birth. Whatever helps the woman get past labor.

Swimming-Tax. Good Gawd, they're taxing that, too??

Bankruptcy-Barrels. Where Donald Trump files his business records.

Medicines-Morgues. You're covered, regardless of the outcome of your treatment.

and one of my personal favorites:

Snow-Speech. What you hear from any candidate for office.

Dig out your local Yellow Pages and leave a comment to let us know what you found.

Have a good day and a good week. At least here in NoVa, we should have cooler weather than we've been suffering for the last few weeks ... perhaps Mother Nature is lulling us into a false sense of security before flipping the switch from "sweltering summer" to "snow up to your armpits."

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Lighter Side of Campaign 2016, Part 2

Back on July 20th I published a post with some of the best cartoons and get-out-the-vote signs I'd seen so far for the current presidential scrum. But new ones are coming every day, and so - as a public service - here's a new collection:

It's a good campaign slogan, anyway ...

Now that I think about it, a Conan-Trump ticket makes sense. They have the same basic goals, but at least Conan has an implementable policy agenda ...

A combination of candidates and voting strategy. I could get behind this one ...

Well, yes ... although some suck more than others ...

Clever! ...

This candidate looks better every day ...

Palin-Cthulhu works for me, too ...

I find your lack of faith in this ticket ... disturbing ...

Have a good day. More thoughts to keep your mind off the election coming tomorrow, when we name the Right Cheek Ass Clown for August.

Bilbo

Solving the Squirrel Problem*

A mid-sized city in the heartland of America had a problem - it was overrun with squirrels. The problem was particularly acute for the city's churches which, in addition to the simple fact of the huge number of squirrels, were faced with the additional problem of dealing with them in a religiously appropriate and moral fashion. Here's how some of the denominations approached the problem ...

The Presbyterians called a meeting to discuss what to do. After much prayer and introspection, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. The squirrels stayed.

At the Baptist Church, the squirrels tended to congregate in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to install a water slide so the squirrels would drown themselves in the baptismal pool. Squirrels, however, know instinctively how to swim. They liked the slide, and twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they should not harm any of God's creatures, so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

The Catholics baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The rabbi at the local Jewish Synagogue set a trap and caught one squirrel. He circumcised the squirrel and let him go, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

The Mormons sent pairs of missionaries to talk to each squirrel. The squirrels were gone the next day.

At the local mosque, the imam welcomed the squirrels, but had to create two new prayer areas so the male and female squirrels could pray separately.

The Evangelicals were so thrilled at the thought of the squirrels coming to Jesus that they gathered together and shouted "Hallelujah!!" over and over. The noise was so great it scared the squirrels away. Problem solved.

Amen.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Thanks to my old and somewhat twisted friend Ken, who sent me the original joke on which this post is based.