Retirement Options

It's getting close to that time when Agnes and I will need to really retire and decide where we want to live out the remainder of our allotted years. The Northern Virginia area has a lot to recommend it (including proximity to one-third of our grandchildren, lots of history, and plenty of great restaurants), but it's also got horrendous traffic, high cost of living, and has been poisoned by its proximity to the swirling vortex of greed and stupidity where Congress used to be. My friend Bob, himself long retired, has tried to help us make our decision by providing some commentary on a few potential retirement locations ...

We could retire to Phoenix, Arizona where ...

1. You park 3 blocks away from your house because it's the closest parking space in the shade.
2. You experience condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in any direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

or ..

We could retire to California where ...

1. You can have an income of over $450,000 and still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down the driveway.
3. You need to know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to the neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is (heck, we do that already here in NoVa).
6. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

or ...

We could retire to New York City where ...

1. When you say "the city" you expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn (if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
7. The four seasons are #$@%! snow, #$@%! rain, #$@%! heat, and #$@%! snow's almost here again.

or...

We could retire to Minnesota where ...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The highest level of criticism is "he is different," "she is different," or "it was different."
6. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

or...

We could retire to the Deep South where ...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

or...

We could retire to Colorado where ...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

or ...

We could retire to the Nebraska where ...

1. You never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

or ...

We could retire to Florida where ...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Decisions, decisions.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo