Wednesday, October 12, 2016


Because America has become such a litigious nation, we find it necessary to put warning labels and disclaimers on absolutely everything as a fig leaf in case of the inevitable lawsuit because - for instance - some moron didn't realize that (a) coffee is served hot and (b) if you spill hot coffee on yourself, it hurts. A 60-second commercial for any drug contains 50 seconds of warnings and disclaimers, and any tool or appliance you buy is covered with so many warning labels that it looks like a NASCAR racer.

With this in mind, and to prevent anyone from suing me over my blog, here is a collection of actual accumulated disclaimers and warning notices:

Objects may be closer than they appear. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. See your doctor if your erection lasts more than four hours. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. May contain nuts. Prolonged exposure may cause nausea, vomiting, dizziness, dry mouth, flu-like symptoms, gas, headache, insomnia, inappropriate feelings, itching, loss of appetite, confusion, ear pain, agitation, loss of memory, heart palpitations, sweating, tremors, fever, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, increased appetite, decreased appetite, nervousness, or rash. No purchase necessary to win. You must be present to win. Not intended for use by children under 5, or by people who act like it. Use only in well-ventilated areas. Enjoy responsibly. If conditions persist, consult your physician. Do not use machinery or drive until you know how this product affects you. Call before digging. No smoking, matches, or open lights. Serving suggestion. Best by date on package. Package is sold by weight, not volume. Void where prohibited. May cause irritability. Subject to change without notice. Close cover before striking. We do not make any representations regarding the use, validity, accuracy, or reliability of this product. Driver does not carry cash. In no event shall we be liable for any special, indirect, or consequential damages or any damages whatsoever arising from loss of use or profits, whether in an action, contract, negligence, or other tortuous action, arising out of or in connection with the use of the information/data on this site or any sites linked to this site. Other fees and charges may apply. No animals were harmed in the development of this product. Return for store credit only. Slippery when wet. Do not feed the animals. This product is meant for entertainment purposes only. Limit one per customer. This message, and any attachments, is for the intended recipient(s) only, may contain information that is privileged, confidential and/or proprietary and is subject to important terms and conditions. Not applicable to prior purchases. Terms of use are subject to binding arbitration and a waiver of class action rights as detailed in the appropriate sections of this contract. You agree not to upload, post or otherwise transmit any User Content that you know to be false, misleading or inaccurate*. Investment products are not FDIC insured, are not bank guaranteed, and may lose value, including your original investment. If you are not the intended recipient, please delete this message. The information on this site is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. The Expert guarantees neither the accuracy nor completeness of his/her advice. Contents may have settled in transit. Ensure your heart is healthy enough for sex.

Do not read this blog if you are allergic to ideas other than your own.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.


* Not applicable in election years.


Mike said...

Some of these bring back memories. For instance - Use only in well-ventilated areas. Sometimes they really really mean that.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Some are just C.Y.A., some are hilarious.

allenwoodhaven said...

It reads as a very interesting beat poem. I can hear the finger snapping now...