Updating a Holiday Tradition

As we all know, times and mores are changing. Many of the customs and practices we had years ago - such as gracefully conceding the loss of an election - are no longer in vogue, or even considered acceptable.

In these days of heightened awareness of sexual misconduct, many practices that were accepted (or, at least, tolerated) over the years have had to be reconsidered, if not jettisoned outright. One of these is the tradition of the holiday kiss under the mistletoe, which could range from a friendly and innocent peck on the cheek in front of a cheery fire to a borderline assault at an office party fueled by holiday spirits of the less joyous kind.

I, for one, miss the tradition of the kiss under the mistletoe. But perhaps there's a way to save it, and to bring it into line with our heightened appreciation for the rights and feelings of others. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, here is my proposed way to make sure that the holiday kiss under the mistletoe does not get out of hand ... print it out and go for it!

APPLICATION FOR AND

DECLARATION OF CONSENT TO

FESTIVE OSCULATION

This is a legally binding agreement and must be completed, signed, witnessed, and notarized prior to the execution of any requested osculation. All items must be completed. Use reverse side of form or attach additional sheets if necessary. Osculation may not occur until a minimum of fifteen minutes after signature, witnessing, and notarization of this application, to allow for change of mind.

1. Date and Time of Application: _________________

2. Name and DOB of Applicant (Proposed Deliverer of Kiss(es)): ___________________________

3. Relationship of Applicant to Recipient: None: __; Friend __; Relative __; Supervisor __; Co-Worker __; Admirer __; Other (Specify) _______________________

4. Name and DOB of Proposed Recipient of Kiss(es): _________________________

5. Location of Festive Event (Street Address or GPS Coordinates): ____________________

6. Number of Kiss(es) Requested: _____ Number of Kiss(es) to Which Consented: _____ (must agree with totals calculated in #7 below)

7. Proposed Location/Number of Kiss(es) (Check all that apply; aggregate number must agree with #6 above):

a. Cheek (Left __/Right __/Both __). Agreed To: None __; Left __/Right __/Both __.

b. Lips __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

c. Forehead __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

d. Top of Head __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

e. Hand (Left __/Right __Both__). Agreed To: None __; Left (Yes __/No __); Right (Yes __/No __); Both (Yes__/No__).

f. Other (Specify Each): __________________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

8. Requested/Approved Duration of Kiss(es): hh/mm/ss ___________ (if multiple kisses have been requested, duration of each must be requested and approved separately).

9. Positioning/Employment of Hands During Kiss(es) (Requested/Agreed To; check all that apply): 

a. None: __

b. Shoulders: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

c. Upper Arms: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

d. Forearms: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

d. Hands (one or both): Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

e. Tush: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

f. Other (Specify): _____________________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

g. Concurrent Massaging Action Requested: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

10. Use of Tongue Requested During Kiss(es): Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

10a. If Use of Tongue Requested, Type of Activity Requested/Approved:

a. Graze: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

b. Tickle: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

c. Explore: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

11. Use of Alcohol Before Kiss Requested/Approved: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

12. Additional Requests/Approvals (Specify): 

a. None __.

b. Apply Substance (e.g., whipped cream) to Site of Kiss(es) (Specify Each Substance and Location): 

Requested Substance ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __. 

Requested Substance ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __. 

c. Remove Clothing (Specify Each Item to be Removed): 

Requested Item ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

Requested Item ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __. 

d. Other (clearly specify): _________________________________.

READ CAREFULLY AND ENSURE ALL SECTIONS HAVE BEEN COMPLETED AND ARE ACCURATE BEFORE SIGNING THIS DOCUMENT!

We the undersigned request/agree to festive osculation as described in the foregoing document.

Printed Name, Signature, Date, and Time:

_________________________________________________

REQUESTER

_________________________________________________

RECIPIENT

_________________________________________________

WITNESS

_________________________________________________

NOTARIZATION

👉 This agreement becomes effective on (insert date) at (insert time). Time of kiss delivery MUST be NO EARLIER THAN time of notarization plus 15 minutes.

👉 Retain a copy of this document in a safe place for a minimum of seven years or until the expiration of the applicable statute of limitations in your state.

***********************

There you have it, friends! A holiday tradition brought forward into the 21st century! You may now kiss the bride/wife/husband/significant other/friend/co-worker/relative/etc with confidence and safety.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming. 

Bilbo