The New Calendar for Der Furor's America

Because Der Furor has promised to take so many actions on his first day in office, his staff and advisors have decided to replace the Gregorian Calendar that has been in use in the US since 1752 with the new "Trump Calendar," which will have the following features:

1. To accommodate the number of actions planned for the first day in office, the Trump Calendar for 2025 will contain six January 20ths. January 21st through 25th will all be redesignated as January 20th, January 26th will be become January 21st, and all subsequent January days will be renumbered, so that the month will end on January 25th.

2. The eleven federal legal holidays will be revised as follows:

* New Year's Day will remain unchanged; 
 

* Birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr, will be replaced by "White Pride Day;" 

* Washington's Birthday (aka "Presidents Day") will be replaced by "Unitary Executive Day;" 

* Memorial Day will be replaced by "Suckers and Losers Day;" 

* Juneteenth National Independence Day will be replaced by "Trump's Birthday," and celebrated on June 14th; 

* Independence Day will be replaced by "America First Day;" 

* Labor Day will be replaced by "CEO Donor Appreciation Day;" 

* Columbus Day will be replaced by "Immigrant Denunciation and Deportation Day;" 

* Veterans Day will be replaced by "Commander-in-Chief Day;" 

* Thanksgiving Day will be replaced by "Trump Appreciation Day;"
and,

* Christmas Day will remain unchanged. 

3. Other popular, though not federally-recognized, holidays will be revised as follows:

* April Fools Day will be changed to "MAGA Appreciation Day;" 

* Flag Day, because it falls on the same date as the Trump's Birthday holiday, will be renamed "Fly Gigantic Trump Flags from Your Pickup Day;" and, 

* Cinco de Mayo will be changed to "May 5th."

Other changes are possible and will be hammered out among the various factions of Der Furor's administration in coordination with the authors of Project 2025.

Have a good day, and count the days until sanity returns to the nation.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Updating a Holiday Tradition

As we all know, times and mores are changing. Many of the customs and practices we had years ago - such as gracefully conceding the loss of an election - are no longer in vogue, or even considered acceptable.

In these days of heightened awareness of sexual misconduct, many practices that were accepted (or, at least, tolerated) over the years have had to be reconsidered, if not jettisoned outright. One of these is the tradition of the holiday kiss under the mistletoe, which could range from a friendly and innocent peck on the cheek in front of a cheery fire to a borderline assault at an office party fueled by holiday spirits of the less joyous kind.

I, for one, miss the tradition of the kiss under the mistletoe. But perhaps there's a way to save it, and to bring it into line with our heightened appreciation for the rights and feelings of others. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, here is my proposed way to make sure that the holiday kiss under the mistletoe does not get out of hand ... print it out and go for it!

APPLICATION FOR AND

DECLARATION OF CONSENT TO

FESTIVE OSCULATION

This is a legally binding agreement and must be completed, signed, witnessed, and notarized prior to the execution of any requested osculation. All items must be completed. Use reverse side of form or attach additional sheets if necessary. Osculation may not occur until a minimum of fifteen minutes after signature, witnessing, and notarization of this application, to allow for change of mind.

1. Date and Time of Application: _________________

2. Name and DOB of Applicant (Proposed Deliverer of Kiss(es)): ___________________________

3. Relationship of Applicant to Recipient: None: __; Friend __; Relative __; Supervisor __; Co-Worker __; Admirer __; Other (Specify) _______________________

4. Name and DOB of Proposed Recipient of Kiss(es): _________________________

5. Location of Festive Event (Street Address or GPS Coordinates): ____________________

6. Number of Kiss(es) Requested: _____ Number of Kiss(es) to Which Consented: _____ (must agree with totals calculated in #7 below)

7. Proposed Location/Number of Kiss(es) (Check all that apply; aggregate number must agree with #6 above):

a. Cheek (Left __/Right __/Both __). Agreed To: None __; Left __/Right __/Both __.

b. Lips __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

c. Forehead __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

d. Top of Head __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

e. Hand (Left __/Right __Both__). Agreed To: None __; Left (Yes __/No __); Right (Yes __/No __); Both (Yes__/No__).

f. Other (Specify Each): __________________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

8. Requested/Approved Duration of Kiss(es): hh/mm/ss ___________ (if multiple kisses have been requested, duration of each must be requested and approved separately).

9. Positioning/Employment of Hands During Kiss(es) (Requested/Agreed To; check all that apply): 

a. None: __

b. Shoulders: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

c. Upper Arms: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

d. Forearms: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

d. Hands (one or both): Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

e. Tush: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

f. Other (Specify): _____________________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

g. Concurrent Massaging Action Requested: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

10. Use of Tongue Requested During Kiss(es): Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

10a. If Use of Tongue Requested, Type of Activity Requested/Approved:

a. Graze: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

b. Tickle: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

c. Explore: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

11. Use of Alcohol Before Kiss Requested/Approved: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

12. Additional Requests/Approvals (Specify): 

a. None __.

b. Apply Substance (e.g., whipped cream) to Site of Kiss(es) (Specify Each Substance and Location): 

Requested Substance ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __. 

Requested Substance ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __. 

c. Remove Clothing (Specify Each Item to be Removed): 

Requested Item ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

Requested Item ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __. 

d. Other (clearly specify): _________________________________.

READ CAREFULLY AND ENSURE ALL SECTIONS HAVE BEEN COMPLETED AND ARE ACCURATE BEFORE SIGNING THIS DOCUMENT!

We the undersigned request/agree to festive osculation as described in the foregoing document.

Printed Name, Signature, Date, and Time:

_________________________________________________

REQUESTER

_________________________________________________

RECIPIENT

_________________________________________________

WITNESS

_________________________________________________

NOTARIZATION

👉 This agreement becomes effective on (insert date) at (insert time). Time of kiss delivery MUST be NO EARLIER THAN time of notarization plus 15 minutes.

👉 Retain a copy of this document in a safe place for a minimum of seven years or until the expiration of the applicable statute of limitations in your state.

***********************

There you have it, friends! A holiday tradition brought forward into the 21st century! You may now kiss the bride/wife/husband/significant other/friend/co-worker/relative/etc with confidence and safety.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming. 

Bilbo

Filling the Void

If you felt the earth shake yesterday, it was probably because of the announcement that Playboy magazine ... beloved of generations of impressionable young men learning about the mysteries of sex ... will no longer publish nude photos in its glossy pages.

What's the world coming to?

In retrospect, it was probably a good decision, given the ubiquity of pornography available on the Internet. As the magazine's chief editor noted in the announcement, "(Nowadays) you're now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. It's just passé at this juncture."

I guess boys will have to go back to reading National Geographic to see naked women.

I wonder which publications will step forward to fill the coming shortage of racy centerfolds.

Guns and Ammo can feature a monthly centerfold of field-stripped high-powered weapons with huge magazines.

Tree Services could contain foldouts of late-autumn trees, bare of leaves.

Catster and Modern Dog can feature the Bitch of the Month.

It won't matter what sort of centerfold Scientific American introduces; it will continue to be boycotted by hard-core anti-science conservatives.

Popular Mechanics? Look for the Robette of the Month ...

It's probably not PC to say so, but I'll miss the old Playboy, and the girl with the staple in her navel. Of course, I only read it for the articles ... but you knew that.

Have a good day. Read your favorite magazines.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo