The GOP Replacement for Obamacare, 2025*

You will recall that Der Furor and the Republican Party have for years been desperate to get rid of the imperfect, but reasonably successful and popular Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare). Der Furor was famous during his first term for repeatedly saying that a better, cheaper alternative was just two weeks away, and during the last presidential campaign he memorably claimed not that he had a replacement plan, but rather "concepts of a plan."

Now, as you no doubt know, the GOP's "One Big Beautiful Bill Act**," signed into law by Der Furor on July 4, 2025, has eliminated the tax credits for health insurance premiums, meaning that in a matter of weeks, those premiums will go through the roof - anywhere from double their current cost to ... well ... you didn't need to eat and live indoors, anyhow. Congressional Republicans had carefully planned to let this bad news surface after they'd prevailed in next year's midterm elections, but they realized too late that voters were going to learn the unpleasant truth inconveniently early.

Oops. 

Well, as it turns out, Congressional Republicans have been feverishly working on something like a plan to replace Obamacare ... and thanks to a highly-placed source, I have obtained a copy! 

The new plan was drafted by a staff of noted medical experts under the direction of esteemed medical professional Not-a-Doctor Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, assisted by Doctors No, Who, Doolittle, Phibes, Kevorkian, Fu Manchu, Doom, Zhivago, Faust, and Demento; highlights include:

- Copies of the Bible (Trump edition only) will be used as guidance for proper nutrition, hygiene, and appropriate sexual behavior; each insured patient must purchase a separate copy when signing up for coverage.

- Abortions are strictly forbidden unless to protect the life and reputation of the father.

- The only approved form of birth control will consist of poster-sized photographs of angrily-frowning nuns prominently posted in each bedroom and classroom from kindergarten through university.

- Patients requiring anesthesia will be offered three choices: a shot of whiskey (bar brands only), a bullet to bite on (no larger than .22 caliber), or a Louisville Slugger to the head.

- Annual breast exams for women will be scheduled during non-peak hours at the nearest Hooters.

- Reconditioned dialysis machines previously used at Jiffy Lube are authorized for low-income patients.

- Second opinions on diagnoses will be reached by multiplying the initial treatment estimate by 0.50. Insurance reimbursements will be based on the lower number.

- All lower-cost alternative treatments must be exhausted before more expensive ones are considered.

- Annual vision exams will consist of counting the patient's number of eyes. If the number is two, the patient passes. If the number equals one, the patient's vision is considered adequate. If the number equals zero, it's a pre-existing condition not covered by insurance.

- Rectal thermometers may be reused if sanitized by wiping them with wadded newspaper.

- The standard initial treatment for all medical complaints is, "Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

- Generic drugs will be used to treat generic diseases.

- Voodoo practitioners may be licensed to provide injections approved as a course of treatment.

- Dentists will be required to fill cavities with spackling compound; dental x-rays will be replaced by charcoal sketches.

- Medical imaging consists of the doctor carefully photographing the patient with a Kodak Brownie; development of the prints is not covered by insurance. X-rays, when prescribed, will be performed by physician assistants using X-ray specs.

- Cat Scans will be conducted with real cats (feral alley cats for low-income patients).

- Tongue depressors are no longer required to be free of Fudgesicle traces before use.

- Well-baby care consists of a doctor conducting a visual examination and certifying that "well, it's a baby."

- Radiation treatment for cancer patients consists of one-way tickets (coach class) to Chernobyl or Fukushima (insurance company's option).

The plan also contains a detailed fee structure for calculating the cost of care:

Well, MAGA, you voted for it, you've got it - the Obamacare Replacement Plan! In summary, it says,

Don't get sick. If you do, die soon.

Good luck.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* This is an update of a post I wrote and published last year about this time ... which, in turn, was an update of a post I wrote and published in 2011, in case you'd forgotten how far back GOP opposition to quality, affordable health care - and inability to come up with something better than Obamacare - goes.

** Although the law is popularly referred to as the One Big Beautiful Bill Act, this official short title was removed from the bill during the Senate amendment process. Therefore, the law officially has no short title.