The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for March, 2026

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, it's finally happened - for the first time in a long time, I have had absolutely no trouble selecting this week's award winner. Without the least shadow of a doubt, and with the greatest of sorrow for what might have been in better times, I announce presentation of the tinfoil and toilet paper crown for 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for March, 2026

to

Secretary of Defense (NOT War)

Pete Hegseth*

Pete Hegseth, Fox and Friends weekend anchor turned Secretary of Defense (not War) is beyond any doubt the most utterly unqualified and dangerous person ever appointed to the position. In a cabinet filled with useless ciphers whose only qualification is slavish devotion to Der Furor, Mr Hegseth stands out by virtue of the vast level of damage his incompetence has enabled his boss to unleash.

Because he has only the crudest kill-people-and-break-things idea of his position, he lacks the maturity and intelligence to advise the president (who, of all people, needs mature and intelligent guidance on most things). He fails to realize that raw military power is only one aspect of national power, and that it must be judiciously employed. 

Mr Hegseth has complained bitterly about complained about CNN's reporting that Der Furor and his advisors had underestimated Iran’s ability to disrupt global oil traffic by closing the Strait of Hormuz, calling the report "patently ridiculous" ... even as Iran has, in fact, closed the strategic strait and sent oil prices skyrocketing. And indicating that his willingness to make war extends to those who dare to use their First Amendment rights, he grandly announced that “the sooner David Ellison takes over that network, the better.”

Mr Hegseth utterly failed to ensure that the war his boss insisted on launching had a strategic goal that would allow him to determine when those goals had been achieved. "Just bomb them back to the Stone Age" is not an especially useful strategic aim.

Having already received a huge increase in the Defense budget in last year's "Big Beautiful Bill," Mr Hegseth has announced he will ask Congress for another $200 billion to fund Der Furor's war of choice in Iran.

Mr Hegseth also displays a shocking lack of understanding of the laws and responsibilities of war. In a recent press briefing, he said the U.S. military “will keep pressing, we will keep pushing, keep advancing, no quarter, no mercy for our enemies” in the operation against Iran. The phrase “no quarter” actually means killing enemy combatants instead of accepting their surrender ... which is a war crime. 

Pete Hegseth is a dangerously cartoonish figure who, when combined with the current president, represents a terrible danger to the United States military, the United States government, and our moral standing in a dangerous world. He deserves complete and total condemnation, and I regret that I can do no more than present him with this award.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, your Left-Cheek Ass Clown for March, 2026, is Secretary of Defense (NOT War) Pete Hegseth - truly one of the most dangerous men in the world today.

Have a good day and remember this abominable creature when you vote in this year's midterm elections and the 2028 Presidential election. The nation and the world deserve better ... assuming we survive the next two and a half years of this administration.

Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday - more thoughts then.

Bilbo 

* This is Mr. Hegseth's fourth award, entitling him to the third Poison Ivy Cluster on his original tinfoil and toilet paper crown. His previous awards were: the April, 2025 Right-Cheek; September, 2026 Special Award (shared with Der Furor); and March, 2026 Right-Cheek (shared with the other six members of the Seven Deadly Horse's Asses of the Political Apocalypse).