Guest Post

Well, hello again! Long time, no see! Gloria here, the top chicken of the coop, here to bring you a poultry point of view. I don't often get to do a guest post, but since Bilbo has been here house-sitting for his daughter and all her animals, I took the opportunity to do a little hunt-and-pecking on the keyboard (ha, ha!) to share my observations from the run.

The last time I posted was back in January of last year, when I asked you to support my run for the presidency. I didn't win, of course ... the election was obviously rigged against me, with millions of my votes illegally switched to other, less-deserving poultry ... but I'm over the loss now. You elected Joe Biden, who seems like a good egg and is doing a pretty good job. Of course, after that last guy, the bar for acceptable performance hasn't been very hard to cross.

Anyhow, I wanted to talk to you about an important topic on which we chickens have a lot to teach you: pecking orders.

If you're interested, you can read how one of your more chicken-literate (chick-lit, if you will!) farmers explains our pecking order here, but I think you need to consider the advantages of our system in light of how you've messed up your own politics. 

The basic idea is simple: we peck at each other, and the strongest, most aggressive chicken becomes the leader - she (he, if it happens to be a rooster) pecks everyone else, and nobody pecks back. The number two chicken gets pecked by the leader, but gets to peck everyone else, and so on down the line until you reach the poor chicken at the bottom, who has nobody to peck and is generally pretty miserable.

It's a tough system, but it works well to help us keep our social and political stability. Occasionally, a chicken farther down the pecking order will try to unseat the leader, but usually gets put back in her place quickly and stability returns. 

Your human idea of the pecking order seems to be focused on what you call elections, in which you substitute votes for pecks. It's not a bad system, but it only works when the number-two peck- ... uh ... vote-getter understands why the system is important, accepts his or her place, and pecks everyone further down the flock to keep things orderly. It's worked more or less well for you so far, but now you have a noisy, strutting bantam rooster who can't accept that he was out-pecked and wants to overturn the pecking order and just cock-a-doodle-doo himself back onto the top roost. This is not good, and a lot of you don't seem to understand it.

We chickens get along well with each other because we understand and respect the pecking order. Obviously, each of us would rather rule the roost, but we understand that our system keeps things orderly and keeps the feathers from flying. It would be good thing for your humans to learn that lesson and start pecking back at noisily-aggressive bantamweights who think they should be the cock of the walk, no matter what anyone else thinks.

And that's your reality check from the coop. Time to turn things back over to Bilbo and get back to work in the yard. Those lesser chickens aren't going to peck themselves.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back with more thoughts later. 'Til then, buck, buck, BUCKAWWWW!

Gloria

Guest Post

Hello!

We may not have met yet. My name is Gloria, and I’m one of the chickens that lives with Bilbo’s daughter and her family. I've shared my thoughts here before, and you can read my earlier post here.

I realize that we may not know each other, and it may be a little early to ask you for a favor, but these are trying and fast-moving times and I need to act quickly. My Friends (and I hope I may call you friends), after much thought and having canvassed the opinions of my friends around the coop, I have decided to run for president, and I’d like your support.

This is not a decision I take lightly, and I can understand that you might think the time is not yet right for a chicken to be president ... but let me make my case.

First of all, how could I possibly do a worse job than the president you have now? He’s the guy who once asked an audience to vote for him by asking “what have you got to lose?” ... well, now you know. If you vote for me, you won’t get some spring chicken ... I’ve been around the run a few times.

That Trump guy doesn’t show up in the office until 11:00 on most days, but I’m up with the chickens and ready to go to work.

I don’t have a Twitter account ... if I’m going to hunt and peck I’m going to do it for tasty bugs, not to waste my time writing and your time reading.

You’re already used to a president who shamelessly feathers his own nest ... so you won’t mind that I do, too.

As an elder chicken, I’m used to being at the top of the pecking order ... I understand that the United States used to be at the top of your international pecking order until that Trump fellow took over and screwed things up. Well, who’s better to get us back to the top than an experienced chicken like me?

At the moment, the annual salary for the president is $400,000. The nation can save a lot of money* by electing someone who will work for chicken feed.

And who’s more qualified than I am to play chicken with Iran when the chickens come home to roost?

Friends, a vote for Gloria is a vote for someone who won’t chicken out when the going gets tough. Vote for me ... I’m a good egg.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back with his own thoughts tomorrow. Until then, remember to vote for me! Buck, buck, BUKAWWWW!

Gloria

* Trust me, you need to do that now that the government is going broke because of that Trump guy's tax cuts.

Guest Post

Hey, there!

We haven't met yet, but I'm Gloria. I'm the top'o'the pecking order chicken in Bilbo's family.

I noticed that Clara and Lucy, the dog and cat of the family, have been able to post on Bilbo's blog, and I figured that I might as well post on behalf of the four of us in our little flock: the others are Cinderella (Cindy), Nightingale, and Bob. No, Bob's not a rooster ... she's all girl. She just likes to keep people guessing. It'll take me a while to peck out this post, so bear with me.

I guess what I'd most like to say is that we chickens get a bad rap. Think about it: what do you say when someone is a coward? You say he's a chicken. When something is silly or overly complicated you say it's chicken ... uh ... poop. If you're not paid enough, you call your salary chicken feed. If you go to an overpriced political fund-raising dinner, what do they serve? - rubber chicken. When somebody can't type very well or quickly, you say he hunts-and-pecks. If you're feeling old, you say that you're no spring chicken. And the list goes on.

But we're a lot more than that. Think of all the things we do for you: when you're sick, we give you the chicken soup that makes you feel better and gives you energy. We gave you the most famous of philosophical questions: which came first, the chicken or the egg? Those ham and egg breakfasts wouldn't be nearly as tasty without our support. We're intelligent, curious, and very social. And think of how beautiful Fabergé eggs are ... 

You don't see anything like that inspired by dogs and cats, do you?

Oh, and how about all those cartoons we inspire ...

So, how about a little respect? You don't want me to use fowl language on Bilbo's page, do you?

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow with his own thoughts. Until then, buck-buck-BUCKAWWWW!

Gloria