Renaming the Cabinet

A few days ago, Der Furor mused that he intended to change the name of the Department of Defense back to its original, pre-1947 name, "Department of War." His rationale was that "it had a stronger sound." This is, of course, important to a weak man posturing as a strong one.

But why stop with just DoD? Why not rename all the other cabinet departments, too? I think these would be names more appealing to the MAGA mentality ... 

The Department of Agriculture becomes The Department of Buying off Farmers After Crashing Their Markets;

The Department of Commerce becomes The Department of Tariffs as the Cure for Everything;

What's left of The Department of Education becomes The Department of Revisionist History;

The Department of Energy becomes The Department of Drill, Baby, Drill;

The Department of Health and Human Services becomes The Department of Quit Whining and Die, Already; 

The Department of Homeland Security becomes The Department of Eliminating Immigration and Ensuring White Supremacy Through the Deportation of Undesirables and Support of Militias; 

The Department of Housing and Urban Development becomes The Department of Support to the Mortgage Industry;

The Department of the Interior becomes The Department of Monetizing Useless National Parks; 

The Department of Justice becomes The Department of Retribution and Political Loyalty Enforcement;

The Department of Labor becomes the Department of Keeping the Workforce in Its Place;

The Department of State becomes The Department of Russia Good, China Bad; 

The Department of Transportation becomes The Department of Ensuring Dominance of Fossil-Fueled Vehicles; 

The Department of the Treasury becomes The President's Personal Account; and 

The Department of Veteran Affairs becomes The Department of Get Homeless and Disabled Veterans Out of Sight.

I was feeling pretty angry when I wrote this. Does it show?

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Nicknames, Updated

History is filled with persons who earned descriptive nicknames because of their personal characteristics or their accomplishments: English Kings Alfred the Great and Richard the Lionheart are prime examples. Of course, nicknames are often earned for other reasons, as we note in remembering English King Aethelred the Unready, Viking warlord Ivar the Boneless, and Wallachian Prince Vlad the Impaler. 

Last Thursday (February 15th, for those who celebrate) marked the birthday of Piero di Lorenzo de’ Medici, the lord of Florence from 1492 until his exile in 1494. Despite his status as the eldest son of Lorenzo “The Magnificent” de’ Medici, his feeble, arrogant, and undisciplined character earned him the nicknames “Piero the Fatuous” and “Piero the Unfortunate.” 

Considering that we have no shortage of feeble, arrogant, undisciplined, unfortunate and fatuous characters, many of whom are either members of Congress or aspiring autocrats trying to strongarm their way back into the presidency, it occurs to me to wonder once again why we no longer attach descriptive nicknames to notable individuals. Der Furor is noted for his childish habit of giving demeaning nicknames to his enemies and opponents ("Ron De Sanctimonious," "Little Marco," "Crooked Hillary," etc), but that's not the same thing. I wrote about this two years ago in a blog post titled - surprise! - "Nicknames," and on noting Piero de' Medici's birthday last week, I was inspired to revisit the topic and update my list of new, history-worthy nicknames ...

President Joe Biden: Joe the Underestimated; 

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy: Volodymyr the Courageous;

Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman: John the Underdressed; 

Missouri Senator Josh Hawley: Josh the Sprinter; 

Maine Senator Susan Collins: Susan the Perpetually Concerned; 

New York Representative Elise Stefanik: Elise the Obsequious; 

Texas Governor Greg Abbott: Greg the Heartless; 

Der Furor: Donald the Felonious; 

Special Counsel Jack Smith: Jack the Relentless; 

Useless blowhard Tucker Carlson: Tucker the Traitorous. 

That's a start ... what nicknames might you suggest for the famous and near-famous? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo the Snarky

Nicknames

While doing the research for the daily historical note I publish on my Facebook page (an unexpectedly popular item, as it has turned out), I learned that today, June 13th, is the birthday of two Holy Roman Emperors: Charles the Bald, born in 823 CE, and Charles the Fat, born in 839 CE.

This got me to thinking about the unfortunate fact that we no longer give famous people descriptive nicknames. I'm not talking about the silly schoolyard taunts favored by Der Furor (who lacks the intellect to come up with anything better), but real, historically accurate and relevant nicknames. Why do we no longer bestow nicknames like those history has given to English King Richard the Lionheart, Russian Tsar Ivan the Terrible, Wallachian leader Vlad the Impaler, and Viking warlord Ivar the Boneless?

Vlad the Impaler in all his glory.

Of course, I have a few suggestions ...

Former President Donald "The Prevaricator";

Senator Jim "The Bellower" Jordan; 

Representative Marjorie "The Immature" Taylor-Greene;

Attorney General Merrick "The Cautious" Garland;

Former Vice President Mike "The Obsequious" Pence; and,

Television personality Tucker "The Insane" Carlson.

What are your suggestions? Leave a comment ... history needs your input to ensure accuracy.

Have a good day and as good a week as you can under the circumstances. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo the Snarky

A Rose By Any Other Name

Yesterday's Washington Post had a very interesting article on Page 2 that caught my linguistic attention: New Orders Push to Rename Sites.

The article detailed ongoing efforts to change the names of locations and geographical features around the country which have names that are offensive to various groups. These include sites like Negro Mesa, Redskin Mountain, and Chinaman's Gulch (all in Colorado), Dead Indian Mountain (Oregon), Mulatto Run (Pennsylvania), and many hundreds of others scattered around the country.

Some believe that the push to change these names is unwarranted and represents a sort of "woke" caving to the demands of overly-sensitive minorities, but I (speaking as a lover of words and their meanings, not to mention honor and dignity) believe it's long overdue and will make the renamed places sound more natural and American.

But I also believe that we should not limit ourselves to the renaming of towns and geographical features to eliminate insensitive or racist language. We should also appropriately rename locations that are themselves offensive. The nation is dotted with tens of thousands of hazardous waste dumps, landfills, mountains of mine tailings, junkyards, sewage treatment plants, shops selling paraphernalia honoring Der Furor, and similar locations that are eyesores, dangerous to public health, or both. These, too, deserve to have appropriate names. 

Of course, I have several recommendations ...

French Lake Auto Parts, 60 miles west of Minneapolis, Minnesota, is the largest auto scrap yard in the United States, covering over 100 acres with junked cars. Because the name could be considered offensive to those of Gallic heritage, I propose it be renamed the Jim Jordan Scrapyard, after the snarlingly aggressive and unpleasant Ohio representative who is the human embodiment of the junkyard dog.

Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations (CAFOs) across the country produce millions of tons of concentrated animal waste which is stored in vast "lagoons." The presence of so much ... uh ... manure in a single place calls out to properly name the locations. For instance, I would name the largest manure lagoons in Texas in honor of Governor Greg Abbott, Senator Ted Cruz, Representative Louie Gohmert, and former governor and US Energy Secretary Rick Perry. There are also a large number of federal Superfund sites in Texas available for renaming, and no shortage of other "worthy" Texans.

North Carolina also has numerous CAFOs, as well as 39 federal Superfund sites ... any one (or more) of which could easily bear the name of Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, herself the state's most noxious export.

The 52 federal Superfund sites and 12 alternates in Florida offer many opportunities to avoid embarrassing the responsible businesses* by renaming them for such poisonous Florida personalities as Representative Matt Gaetz, Senator Marco Rubio, and Governor Ron DeSantis. 

New York has, among many other noxious places, the horrendously polluted Love Canal site, which clearly needs a more appropriate name. It seems that disgraced former governor Andrew Cuomo and his brother, disgraced former CNN personality Chris, would both be prime candidates to donate their names to this and other sites in New York City and across the state. The renaming could lead to possible legal entanglements with Florida, however, over which state has the stronger claim on the use of Der Furor's name**.

Kentucky's 13 federal Superfund sites could be similarly renamed to honor such pestilential state figures as Senators Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul.

Turning to West Virginia, there are eight Superfund sites crying out to be renamed in honor of Senator Joe Manchin, who lately has managed to shoot himself in his moral and reputational foot and make his name and legacy burningly toxic.

Pennsylvania is noted for the deadly Centralia coal mine fire, which has been burning since at least 1962 and has caused most of the town of Centralia to be abandoned. To avoid embarrassing the five remaining residents of the town, why not rename the fire after Representative Scott Perry, who apparently tried hard to burn down American democracy in the lead-up to the January 6th insurrection.  

And finally, because volcanoes spew huge amounts of superheated air and noxious gases, how appropriate would it be to name America's 169 active volcanoes for Faux News personalities like Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Jeanine Piro, InfoWars screaming head Alex Jones, or other conservative media personalities? These individuals, of course, are also prime candidates to lend their names to toxic sites in their states of birth, which may or may not actually have volcanoes (New York for Hannity and Piro, California for Carlson, and - where else? - Texas for Jones).

Any thoughts out there on matching appropriate names to other specific locations? Leave a comment.

Have a good day, and be sure to come back tomorrow, when we kick off the selection campaign for the 2021 Ass Clown of the Year.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Because how un-American and job-killing is it to point out the misdeeds of a private business, eh?

** Given his flexible attitude toward the legal and tax advantages and drawbacks of the different states.

What Happened to the Term "Actress?"

My friend Richard asked this question one day last week in response to the post I publish every morning on my Facebook page, in which I list noteworthy birthdays and riff on some historical event that took place on that day. Richard's question arose because I list the birthdays of "actors," rather than "actors and actresses."

The short answer to his question is that nothing has happened to the term "actress" - it's still here. Although I think we've gone overboard in many ways with trying to scrub supposedly sexist terms from American English*, I don't think - from a purely linguistic standpoint - that there's any point to differentiating between male and female members of most professions. As I noted in my response to Richard, we don't say aviatrix any more to refer to a female aviator ... she's just an aviator or a pilot. We also don't have separate terms for male and female nurses, members of Congress, or for persons in many other professions**.

My bottom line: if there's no definite reason to designate a person as male or female when their profession is discussed, there's no need to have separate terms that denote their sex.

And that's your linguistic rant for the day.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* You may recall the old joke about the fanatical linguistic purist who told her child to, "Run out to the person box and see if the person person has brought us any person."

** Scumbag lawyers are still referred to as "lawyers," crooked or inept judges are called "judges," and useless politicians are referred to as "president," "vice president," or "member of Congress," whether they are male or female.

A Thorn By Any Other Name

I ran across this historical note about November the 20th while casting about for a topic for today’s post: on this date in the year 1407, John, Duke of Berry, brokered a truce between John the Fearless, Duke of Burgundy, and Louis of Valois, Duke of Orléans. In true political fashion, the truce didn’t last, because the Duke of Orléans was assassinated by the Duke of Burgundy a mere three days later but, hey, they tried.

I went back to do some additional reading on the topic, which seemed like it ought to be interesting, but couldn’t make head nor tail out of the lengthy discussions of medieval French intrigue. The part that really caught my attention was a brief note on the Dukes of Burgundy: it seems that the predecessor of “John the Fearless” was “Philip the Bold,” and his successor was “Philip the Good.” Yes, Dear Readers, back in the good old days, noteworthy people had interesting nicknames that tended to lend them a certain gravitas*.

John the Fearless

Which got me to wondering why we don’t give catchy names to our political figures in today's world. The closest thing we have to such names are the sorts of nicknames the Mafia gives to its notable figures, like John “The Dapper Don” Gotti, “Scarface Al” Capone, and “Sammy the Bull” Gravano.

Sammy the Bull

Of course, we have the sort of juvenile nicknames that Donald Trump likes to hand out, like “Crooked Hillary,” “Little Marco,” and “Al Frankenstein,” but these are hardly in a class with something like John the Fearless or Richard the Lionhearted.

Here are a few of my suggestions for appropriate nicknames for some of our present-day political hacks …

Attorney General Jeff Sessions could be “Jefferson the Forgetful;”

Vice President Mike Pence could be “Michael the Obsequious;”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders could be, “Sarah the Prevaricator;” and,

White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway could be, "Kellyanne the Obnoxious.”

What do you think would be some appropriate medieval-type nicknames for our elected (or appointed) officials? Leave a comment and share your ideas ... Sir Bilbo the Idea-Bereft is interested.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Of course, there were also people like Ethelred the Unready and Alfonso the Slobberer, so the names aren’t always as positive as one might wish.

The Scariest Town Names in America

With Halloween approaching, our thoughts turn to horrible, scary things. I mean, other than the Trump presidency. We fall back on our age-old fears of darkness and the evil things that move in it, seeking to do us harm. We cower in the corners, turn on the lights, and whistle past the graveyards.

For some reason, we have decided to give some of our towns names that evoke fear and terror, and this article from HouseBeautiful.com lists 31* of the scariest town names in the country. I won't list all 31; you can read them for yourself at the linked article, but these few are the ones that most made me wonder what the person who named the town was thinking ...

Gnaw Bone, Indiana. Hungry? Somebody must have been.

Hell, Michigan. Everybody knows this one ... at least once each winter there's a news story about low temperatures here with the headline "Hell Freezes Over."

Dead Woman's Crossing, Oklahoma. I really don't want to know.

Frankenstein, Missouri. Do you suppose that the local high school pep rallies have the students bearing torches and pitchforks?

Slaughter Beach, Delaware. Umm ... I think I'll just keep going to Chincoteague.

Satan's Kingdom, Massachusetts (also one in Connecticut). One wonders why there's a town with a name like this at a time when lots of people are incensed over an imaginary "War on Christmas" ... you'd think they'd have mounted a campaign to rename it something like "Holier Than Thou."

and,

Screamer, Alabama. Contrary to what you may have heard, it was not named for the reaction of many people to the Senate candidacy of Roy Moore.

Any frightening town names near where you live? Leave a comment and help the rest of us get ready for Halloween, bwa-ha-HAAAAA!

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for the latest collection of Great Moments in Editing and Signage. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Why 31? Why not 13, which seems like a more appropriate number? Discuss.

Naming Airplanes

I ran across an interesting article by Daisy Carrington the other day on CNN - How Planes Get Their Names.

You've probably never given much thought when you fly as to whether or not your airplane has a name ... all you usually care about is the size of the seat you've been painfully wedged into, or where your luggage will end up. But it seems there is a whole culture built around the naming of aircraft by the companies or nations that operate them. For instance, Israeli carrier ElAl names its airliners after cities in Israel, and Virgin America* picks names that are puns, or clever in some way, such as #Nerdbird, an aircraft that serviced various high-tech cities. Hugh Hefner, the publisher of Playboy Magazine, called his personal airplane The Big Bunny.

The Air Force names some of its airplanes, too. During World War II, almost every airplane had a name and accompanying nose art** painted on it - for instance, the Enola Gay which dropped the first atomic bomb, or The Ruptured Duck, which was one of the B-25 bombers that participated in the 1942 Doolittle Raid on Tokyo. Today's B-2 "Spirit" bombers are named after states, as in Spirit of Ohio, Spirit of Washington, and so on. We are unlikely to run out of names for B-2s, as they're so expensive that we'll run out of money to build them before we run out of state names to give them.

This leads me to wonder if we shouldn't have appropriate names for the campaign aircraft of our presidential wannabes.

Hillary Clinton's campaign aircraft could reflect her penchant for secrecy, be painted in camouflage tones, and have a name like Nothing to See Here.

Donald Trump likes to name everything after himself, but his campaign aircraft should have a catchier name ... like No Returns, in honor of his refusal to release his tax information. Or perhaps Comrade One, in honor of his bromance with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Any other ideas? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow, when we'll name our Left-Cheek Ass Clown for August. More thoughts then.

Bilbo


* Happily, virginity is not a prerequisite for flying on this airline, although there's no telling how that might change if the GOP wins the election.

** Most of which would result in howls of outrage today for its "sexist" nature.

What's in a Name?

You may have seen this article on CNN yesterday: The Most Popular Baby Names Are ...

The Social Security Administration publishes an annual list of the most popular baby names because ... well ... why not? You can read the list for 2014 at their website here, and you can read my comments below.

First of all, I note with great satisfaction that William is the fifth place male name. I'm sure it would be higher on the list, but we Williams* are generous fellows, and don't like to show up everyone else.

The first-place male name is Noah ... a fine name which happens also to be the name of my youngest grandson.

On the female name side, the fifth-place name is Ava ... a beautiful name which is also the name of my youngest granddaughter. Emily, in seventh place, is the name of my beautiful little niece in Germany.

The CNN article also offers for comparison the most popular baby names in the United Kingdon, where Ava comes in at number six on the list for girls and William at number ten for boys. Noah, sadly, doesn't make the top ten in the UK, although Tyrion (from the popular character in the books and TV series "Game of Thrones") is said to be popular.

The names we give to our children are important, because they'll have to answer to them for a long time. I wrote a cautionary post on this topic back in 2013, which you can read here. To all my friends who are pregnant or may become pregnant in the future, think carefully about the name you choose ...

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow when we will announce the name of our Left Cheek Ass Clown of the Month ... whose name does not appear on either the US or UK top-ten list.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Yes, my real name is William, but you can call me "your eminence." Or my other preferred title, about which you can read here. You can read about my search for a suitable coat of arms to go with the title here.

"Uptitling"

From WordSpy, one of my favorite websites, comes this new and very useful word - uptitling - defined as "renaming a job with a grandiose or inflated title; giving an employee a more senior job title in lieu of a pay raise."

As the economy continues to limp along (unless you're in the financial management industry, where you make your fortune by manipulating other people's money), we've gotten used to getting meager (or no) raises, or to seeing our pay and benefits reduced. The one thing we can get at no cost to our employers is a spiffy new title. We can be uptitled so that we have a nice title, if not something we can actually use to pay the bills.

As it happens, and as you may remember from this 2008 post, I'm interested in titles. Being citizens of the United States, where we do not have a formal aristocracy*, we can't be dukes, archdukes, counts**, viscounts, barons, earls, margraves, or lords ... instead, we have to rely on more down-to-earth things like descriptive job titles. When I was still serving in the Air Force and working on the Air Staff in Washington, we expended a great deal of energy on coming up with highfalutin' titles that we hoped would impress promotion boards. Everyone had to be the Chief of something ... whether it was a section, branch, division, directorate, or deputate, even if you were the chief of a section or branch consisting only of yourself. In the civilian business world, if you're just the president of the company, you're a relative nobody*** ... you need to be the Chief Executive Officer if you want people to take you seriously. In government circles, your distance from true power can be estimated by the number of words in your title: the Deputy Assistant Vice Under Secretary of Blah-Blah-Blah isn't likely to be found in a corner office with big windows ... he (or she) will be walking five paces behind the Assistant Vice Under Secretary of Blah-Blah-Blah like a draped and hooded Afghan housewife trailing along the dusty road behind her husband and carrying his load. And that Afghan housewife doesn't have much of a shot at uptitling, either.

In my earlier post, I told you that I rather liked the title I'd seen on a reserved parking place outside a local fraternal lodge - Illustrious Potentate. It's short, impressive, and to-the-point.The only problem with a title like that, though, is that it limits the abilities for uptitling. Even More Illustrious Potentate and Illustriouser Potentate don't quite make it.

I need to think about this a little more and report back to you. In the meantime, you can just call me Dad, Opa, or Grandpa ... I think those are as good as any.

Have a good day, whatever you choose to call yourself. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Except for professional celebrities, politicians, and the wealthy, who lack only the titles.

** Or no-accounts.

*** And if you're just a mere vice-president, forget a seat at the big table ... you need to be at least an executive vice president to have a seat not located along the wall of the room.

A Rose By Any Other Name

You may have seen this article on the CNN website the other day - No, You Can't Call Your Baby Lucifer: New Zealand Releases List of Banned Names.

It seems odd that a government would have to step in and prevent parents from giving their innocent, defenseless children stupid names*, but it's apparently necessary in New Zealand, where you cannot name your child "Lucifer," "Messiah," "Christ," "Mafia No Fear," or "Anal," among numerous others. The New Zealand government's office of the Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages maintains an ever-growing list of names that are considered inappropriate and are not permitted to be given to children.

Closer to home, we have celebrities who seem to get fiendish delight from inflicting stupid names on their progeny. Consider rocker Frank Zappa's son Dweezil and daughters Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin, or Bob Geldorf's daughter Fifi Trixibelle, or Gwynneth Paltrow's daughter Apple. And let's not forget actors Nicholas Cage, who named his son Kal-El**, and Jason Lee, whose son will grow up suffering under the name Pilot Inspektor.

It's not a new problem, either. During the Civil War there was a Confederate Army general named States Rights Gist ...

... who, had he been born nowadays, might have had that name proudly bestowed by some ultra-conservative Tea Party wingnut parent.

What, one might reasonably ask, is wrong with some people? Do they not consider what effect an off-the-wall name, perhaps selected while drunken or stoned (or both), might have on their child as he or she grows up? It would not surprise me in the least if somebody out there actually followed through on this naming idea (which you may remember from Cartoon Saturday a few weeks ago) ...

There are some pretty stupid adults who want to change their own names, too. The CNN report cites the case of a fellow who wanted to change his first name to "In God" and his last name to "We Trust" (a judge allowed it). Fortunately, another judge turned down another politically besotted fellow who wanted to change his name to F*** Censorship.***

Getting back to the banned names list for a minute, let's talk about the unfortunate and illegal (in New Zealand, anyhow) name "Lucifer." The name derives from the Latin word lux, which means light ... and actually means bringer of light. The unfortunate associations of the name came about when Lucifer was identified as the principal fallen angel, cast out of heaven for challenging the power and authority of God (Isaiah 14:12).

So ...

If you are expecting a baby, do the poor child a favor and pick a name that will be good for the child, rather than one which advances your own social or political agenda, or sounded good while you were stoned.

Someday, that child will thank you.

Have a good day. See you back in this space for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

* The GOP would no doubt consider it a horrendous infringement of individual rights and shameful overreach of out-of-control governmental authority. After all, everyone has a constitutional right to be an idiot.

** For those of you not into comic books, that was Superman's birth name on the planet Krypton.

** There's also the old joke about the fellow named 6-7/8 Smith, who explained that his parents picked his name out of a hat.