Is There an Editor in the House?

Last week it was ass clowns, this week it's once again the turn of the editorial gems. Here we go ...

Last week's Cartoon Saturday was dedicated to cartoons about food. Food is also a great source of editorial mishaps.

Where's the beef?

Something to serve to the vegetarian you don't like ... 

Chinese restaurant menus can be great sources of mirth ... unless you're a cowboy ...

I'd ask to see the children's menu, but there's no telling what it would feature ...

It may be a family event, but only on the Jerry Springer Show ... 

That was nice of him ...

I think it might miss something of the event, don't you? ...

When spell-check is not your friend ...

I think I'll just have the regular coffee, thank you ...

Well, I'll bet he's relieved ...

And there you have it - another collection of Great Moments in Editing, fresh from the bottomless collection at Chez Bilbo. Have you seen one? Scan it in and send it to me in any format, and I'll give you credit in this space when I use it. 

Have a good day. Kiss an editor. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Notes on Football Season

We're into September now, and that means that baseball season is on the way out and football* season is on the way in. So, let's talk about football** for a while ...

Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer recently said of one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Ohio State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird!" The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

A Notre Dame University football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Texas linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

Welcome to football season and all the strange people who love it. Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Not to be confused with what the rest of the world understands as "football" - soccer.

** Someone once commented that football combines the two worst aspects of American life: violence and committee meetings.

"A Forest Fire of Ignorance"

One of my favorite editorial cartoonists is Pat Oliphant, a man who draws cartoons that are invariably dead accurate and brilliantly clever, like this one ...

He also has a gift for the perfect turn of phrase, as in this interview which recently appeared in The Atlantic. In the interview, he's asked whether the influence of political cartoons has changed during his career; he answers yes, for a number of reasons, but the one that really hit home to me is summed up in this passage:

"There’s another important factor [for the decline in influence of cartoonists]: education. The frames of reference have disappeared. You have to have a frame of reference to appreciate a cartoon, to know what is being caricatured. People don’t do the reading of news anymore that would give them the background to know what the cartoon is about; you can’t refer to accepted wisdom or variations of accepted wisdom. We are in a forest fire of ignorance."

"A forest fire of ignorance" - I don't think I can say it any better.

As I've often moaned in this space, we live in an era when people don't think any more - they parrot slogans. They don't read the news, they don't think about implications, they don't discuss issues with minds open to new and different ideas. They mindlessly swallow whole the latest bilge they heard from a shouting head on Faux News or any of a thousand intellectually empty talk shows.

Too bad it's not this easy ...

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Getting in Shape for the Big Challenge

As you know, Dear Readers, I retired long ago from the Air Force. At the time of my retirement, I was a stalwart, lantern-jawed Defender of Democracy, in about as good physical condition as I ever was*.

But that was then, and this is now. I've been retired for quite some time, and I have to admit that I'm not in quite as good shape as I used to be**. I watch my co-workers who are still on active duty as they hit the gym every day, compare notes on distances run, lift weights more substantial than a beer stein at Sine's, and prepare to rain fire and death upon our nation's enemies by keeping themselves at the peak of physical fitness.

I need to do something.

And so, my friends, I have stepped up to the challenge. I've enlisted Mike as my chief trainer and will be starting tomorrow on my program ...

Wish me luck!

Have a good day. But have it quietly, because I'm training. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* For a man of my age, anyhow.

** Of course, "round" is a shape, but we won't go there.

Fatbergs!

Last Monday we celebrated Labor Day, the one day a year on which we dignify the common worker in between trips to the mall. There are a lot of ways to make a living out there, running the gamut from comfortable office jobs to hot and miserable jobs people only take because nothing else is available. Of the miserable jobs one can have, one of the most miserable has to be that of sewer worker.

No, I'm not referring to the editorial staff and on-air announcers at Faux News, but to real sewer workers, like the ones at Thames Water in London who are waging an ongoing battle against ... fatbergs.

I call your attention to this article from Business Insider: Gross Photos Show Sewer Workers Battling A 'Fatberg' The Size Of A Boeing 747 Under London.

I will spare you the photos - you can look at them yourself if you go to the linked article. And incredibly enough, that "fatberg" the size of a Boeing 747 (it was 262 feet long, and a 747 is only 250 feet long, depending on the model) was not the largest ever recorded ... that honor* went to a 15-ton blob of congealed fat and sewer crud approximately the size of a double-decker bus that took ten days to break up and remove last August in London.

How on earth does such an enormous blob of congealed fat end up in the sewer? Largely because people pour used cooking oil down their drains, where it congeals around - among other things - discarded bathroom wipes, which are not as safely flushable as their advertisements would have you believe.

So ...

Enough of this disgusting topic. I just wanted to share with you the only thing I've found recently that's more disgusting than American political campaign financing. Well, except for ISIS, of course.

Have a good day. Don't pour your cooking oil and grease down the drain if you don't want your sewers to clog and bring back things you'd rather not have in your home.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* And I use the term loosely.

Poetry Sunday

Last week's poem was a little bit of a downer, dealing as it did with the changes that are sometimes imposed on us from afar to shake our world. But this classic poem by Edgar Guest takes a different approach, reminding us that we may buy and live in a house, but we ourselves make it a home.

Home

by Edgar Guest

It takes a heap o' livin' in a house t' make it home,
A heap o' sun an' shadder, an' ye sometimes have t' roam
Afore ye really 'preciate the things ye lef' behind,
An' hunger fer 'em somehow, with 'em allus on yer mind.
It don't make any differunce how rich ye get t' be,
How much yer chairs an' tables cost, how great yer luxury;
It ain't home t' ye, though it be the palace of a king,
Until somehow yer soul is sort o' wrapped round everything.

Home ain't a place that gold can buy or get up in a minute;
Afore it's home there's got t' be a heap o' livin' in it;
Within the walls there's got t' be some babies born, and then
Right there ye've got t' bring 'em up t' women good, an' men;
And gradjerly, as time goes on, ye find ye wouldn't part
With anything they ever used -- they've grown into yer heart:
The old high chairs, the playthings, too, the little shoes they wore
Ye hoard; an' if ye could ye'd keep the thumb marks on the door.

Ye've got t' weep t' make it home, ye've got t' sit an' sigh
An' watch beside a loved one's bed, an' know that Death is nigh;
An' in the stillness o' the night t' see Death's angel come,
An' close the eyes o' her that smiled,  an' leave her sweet voice dumb.
Fer these are scenes that grip the heart,  an' when yer tears are dried,
Ye find the home is dearer than it was, an' sanctified;
An' tuggin' at ye always are the pleasant memories
O' her that was an' is no more -- ye can't escape from these.

Ye've got t' sing an' dance fer years, ye've got t' romp an' play,
An' learn t' love the things ye have by usin' 'em each day;
Even the roses 'round the porch must blossom year by year
Afore they 'come a part o' ye, suggestin' someone dear
Who used t' love 'em long ago, an' trained 'em jes' t' run
The way they do, so's they would get the early mornin' sun;
Ye've got t' love each brick an' stone from cellar up t' dome:
It takes a heap o' livin' in a house t' make it home.


Have a good day. Make your house your home.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Welcome to the first Cartoon Saturday for September, 2014!

I'm afraid that I don't have time this morning to do the usual news summary, but that's okay ... it's all bad anyhow. You won't miss much.

And though the news is not much better than it was last month, ol' Bilbo has the cartoons to help you forget about it for a while.

For this week's selection of theme cartoons, let's look at the general topic of food ...

When I was growing up, salt was ... well ... salt. Nowadays, when you go to any self-respecting gourmet store, they have a million different kinds of salt ...

Too much salt in your diet isn't usually a good thing, unless ...

There are also a lot of specialized fruits available ...

This one's for Gonzo Dave ...

I've eaten here ...

Okay, enough with the food cartoons. Let's move on to other things ... like how modern parents put their children to bed ...

  

It's all in how you look at the problem ...

A pretty obvious sight gag, actually ...

The definition of chutzpah ...

If Disney had filmed "The Little Mermaid" accurately ...

And there you have it - another Cartoon Saturday to help you cope with the bizarre world around you. No need to thank me ... it's all part of the service.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for Poetry Sunday.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The First Ass Clown of the Month Award for September, 2014

August is over, a new month is here, and it's time to name our first Ass Clown of the Month ...

The selection is always difficult, but - as always - someone must be chosen. And so it is that we turn from the worlds of politics, religion, and business to the world of entertainment and name as our first Ass Clown of the Month for September, 2014 ...

Justin Bieber

Young Mr Bieber was once again in the news this past week when he was charged with assault following a traffic accident in Canada, his native country. And despite his legions of young female fans, the White House has received a petition signed by more than 270,000 people asking for Justin Bieber to be deported for his chronic misbehavior and alleged crimes.

For the sterling example he sets for young people everywhere, and his tireless striving to demonstrate the dangers of fame and fortune acquired in the absence of the maturity to handle them, Justin Bieber is named our first Ass Clown of the Month for September.

Have a good day. Listen to better music. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Fund Raising Alternatives

You have certainly all heard by now of the so-called "Ice Bucket Challenge," in which people are asked to dump a bucket of ice water over their heads for the privilege of contributing money to research into ALS (the degenerative disorder also known as "Lou Gehrig's Disease"). If one is challenged and does not wish to be doused with ice water, he or she can buy their way out of the challenge by contributing a larger amount of money - typically $100. If you're on Facebook, you have certainly seen many videos of your friends doing the challenge, and you have also no doubt been tagged by those friends to do the challenge yourself.

Now granted, ALS is a terrible disease and research into finding a cure is expensive. Unfortunately, it does not affect enough people to make it financially worthwhile for the pharmaceutical companies to invest tens of millions of dollars in developing drugs that will treat it ... thus, things like the Ice Bucket Challenge have cropped up to help fill in the funding gap.

As it happens, though, there are lots of other ways to raise money for worthwhile charities. Bake sales are always popular, as are walk-a-thons, pie-eating contests, dance marathons, and other activities that do not involve the heart-stopping shock of having a bucket of ice water dumped on one's head.

Let's look at one in particular that hails from Japan.

According to this article, nine Japanese porn actresses (the ladies in the two back rows in the picture below) raised tens of thousands of dollars for AIDS prevention by staging a "Boob Aid" event.  The nine adult film* stars, wearing yellow campaign T-shirts rolled up to reveal their breasts, offered donors the opportunity to fondle said breasts in exchange for donations ... on average, about 1,000 yen ($10). Both men and women took advantage of the opportunity, spraying their hands with disinfectant before discreetly caressing the offered breasts.

More than 2,300 pairs of hands took part in the event during its 24-hour run, raising an estimated $23,000 for AIDS research and prevention**.

"I'm really looking forward to lots of people fondling my boobs," said one of the actresses in an interview before the event, "but I would be very happy if you would please be delicate." She went on to say that. "I never thought my boobs could contribute to society."

Another porn actress commented, "It's for charity. Squeeze them, donate money - let's be happy."

Happier than if one had a bucket of ice water dumped on one's head, no doubt.

Have a good day. Donate to the charity of your choice ... in a dignified way, please.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I've always thought that was a heckuva euphemism.

** And no doubt raising other things of which we will not speak here.

Reading Reminders

Since I know that those who read this blog are also avid readers of books*, I thought I'd share a few of the nifty bits of reading-related clip art that I've collected over the years. Feel free to use them on your blogs and Facebook pages to encourage others to read ...

Read. Read more. Read things you don't agree with as well as things you do. We need to work together to seriously damage that ignorance.

Have a good day. Preferably with a book in your hand. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* As everyone should be!