Why We Need Batman

Every time I think things can't get any more screwed up, reality tosses another large bucket of cold water in my face to bring me back to my senses. The latest is summed up in this recent Washington Post article: U.S. Judge Says Law Enforcement Officers Had No Legal Duty to Protect Parkland Students During Mass Shooting.

Let that sink in for a moment. A Federal judge has dismissed a lawsuit brought by survivors of the massacre at Parkland High School in Florida against Broward County, the Broward County Sheriff, and several named law enforcement officers on the grounds that law enforcement personnel were not legally required under the US Constitution to protect them.

According to the judge's ruling*, police officers have no legal duty to protect you if you are threatened by an armed civilian, because the 14th Amendment to the Constitution (the basis of the students' lawsuit) only requires protection from state actors ... not private ones. The judge wrote that the "Due Process Clause" of the 14th Amendment** "protects individuals first and foremost from action taken by the state," and that "nothing in the language of the Due Process Clause itself requires the State to protect the life, liberty, and property of its citizens against invasion by private actors."

Another article discussing the case, this one in the New York Times, quoted Darren L. Hutchinson, a professor and associate dean at the University of Florida School of Law, who said that “Neither the Constitution, nor state law, impose a general duty upon police officers or other governmental officials to protect individual persons from harm — even when they know the harm will occur ... Police can watch someone attack you, refuse to intervene and not violate the Constitution.”

Wow.

If we accept this reasoning, there doesn't seem to be much point in spending tax money on police departments which have no legal responsibility to protect us from anything except the Federal Government***. Further - and worse, from my perspective - it bolsters the arguments of Second Amendment zealots who insist that we must all pack heat because we can't depend on the police to protect us.

If any lawyer out there can explain this travesty to me, I'd be delighted to hear it.

In the meantime, I think there just might be a silver lining inside this vast dark cloud ... because our police seem to be constitutionally required to protect us only from our government, I wonder if I can get them to go after Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, and all the other menacing government characters that are placing us in danger. Hmmm ...

Have a good day, and don't bother calling 911 unless you're being menaced by a government employee^†. Just reach for the Batphone.

Bilbo

* I have been trying to lay hands on a copy of the actual ruling, but have as yet been unable to find one online. I have only the quotes cited in various newspapers.

** In case you were wondering, the "Due Process Clause" of the 14th Amendment (the second sentence of Section 1 of the Amendment) reads: "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."

*** Although heaven knows we (not to mention the rest of the world) need some protection from it under the current Administration.

† Idle hands are said to be the devil's playground, and lots of government employees have idle hands while they're furloughed.

Catching Up on the Junk

I've written several times in this space about the amazing amount of junk e-mail I receive (for instance, here and here), and how its nature has been evolving over time. But it's a subject that never seems to grow old (at least for me) ... I'm always amazed at how my e-mail address keeps getting added to some of the most weirdly inappropriate spam. Here - along with my commentary (in italics) - are a few examples of subject lines culled from my spam e-mail file over the past week (all spelling, capitalization, and punctuation are exactly as in the original):

Each year we encounter situations that simply require money - Other than eating and living indoors?

Get treatment options for overactive bladder - What a piss-poor come-on!

Release of Your Payment($5,000,000.00 - This was from "James F. Entwhistle," which is an odd name for a Nigerian prince.

You too can have sex longer than 5 minutes! Free Sample - If someone wants to send me a free sample of sex, it needs to be longer than that.

Simple Brain Fix - I'm afraid it's too late to help anyone this election season.

Give Hope to Newly Diagnosed Men - Were they diagnosed as women before?

Forget Fish Oil Forever! - I'm glad someone has finally invented a fish that doesn't squeak.

Get your eLoan here! - If I need an e, I'll just buy one from Pat Sajak on Wheel of Fortune.

This African Herb Can Increase Intimacy FAST! - I think that Nigerian prince has finally given up on the funds transfer scams.

Special offer! Over $150 value just $39.95 including 2 free beauty gifts! - Too late; that train sailed long ago.

Need help conquering addiction? - If it works with addiction to Twitter, I'll buy a case for Mr Trump.

Put an End to Premature Ejaculation - Now, let's not be hasty ...


Spam - an unlikely, yet interesting source of opportunities to shake your head in amazement. Do you have a good one from your spam trap? Leave a comment, along with your comments on it.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

There's a Code for That

While we were visiting in Dayton over the past week, my daughter-in-law Tabitha showed me an enormous book that she's gamely studying for one of her classes: the ICD-10-CM* Code Book. This massive tome contains hundreds and hundreds of pages of alphanumeric codes that have been assigned to all of the different types of diseases, injuries, mishaps, misfortunes, and weird things that doctors have had to treat and insurance companies have had to find ways to avoid paying for.

While it's not likely to be a selection of the month for Oprah's Book Club, it does nevertheless make fascinating reading. Here are a few actual examples (in bold print), with my comments:

W59.09 - Crushed by lizard (nonvenomous). I suppose it would be worse to be crushed by a venomous lizard;

G44.82 - Headache associated with sexual activity. Anything I could say would get me into trouble, therefore - no comment; and,

R46.1 - Bizarre personal appearance. I know I'll hear from some of my friends about this one.

Some of the classifications are location-specific yet injury-generic, such as:

Y92.253 - Hurt at the opera; and,

Y92.241 - Hurt at the library.

Here are two good ones for this political season:

R45.4 - Irritability and anger; and,

Z72.811 - Adult antisocial behavior. Both commonly observed at Trump rallies.

Some codes refer to "subsequent encounters," leading one to wonder about both unusual accidents and lessons not learned:

W55.29XD - Other contact with cow, subsequent encounter. I guess those stories I've heard about lonely farm boys are true;

V97.33XD - Sucked into jet engine, subsequent encounter. How can you possibly have a "subsequent encounter" on this?;

W61.62XD - Struck by duck, subsequent encounter. I guess ol' Donald can really get belligerent; or,

Y93D:V91.07XD - Burn due to water skis on fire, subsequent encounter. All I can say is, "oy!"

I imagine that one of the reasons health care is so expensive in this country is that there are reinforced platoons of people out there dreaming up codes for all these things in order to empower insurance companies to reject your claims. And yet I can see some benefit in having lists of codes to provide shortcuts that will save space in news reporting and in political campaigning. Here are a few of my suggestions:

1040.00-NO - Donald Trump still refuses to release his tax returns. Don't hold your breath;

HRC-BGZ-8756 - Congressional Republicans initiate 8756th investigation of Benghazi. Why not? They're not busy governing; and,

ZZZZZZZ.000 - Routine Congressional activity (not party-specific). Makes it easy for C-SPAN to cover.

Any other suggestions? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. See you tomorrow for the latest collection of Editorial Gems ... be here.

Bilbo

* International Classification of Diseases, 10th Revision, Clinical Modification

Job-Related Dangers

We hear a lot about police brutality lately, and indeed there are many troubling incidents which indicate that some police officers are too quick to use force - particularly against minorities - when a softer approach might be more appropriate.

But it's also good to remember that the police have a difficult job to do, often in chaotic conditions or when a life-or-death decision must be made in a split second, without the luxury of time to think things through. Make one decision and you're a hero; make another and you're the villain. I don't think I could be a police officer, and my hat is off to those who can do that difficult job.

As an example of the wide range of dangers faced by police around the world, I call your attention to this story from the South China Morning Post, which reported on the outcome of the trial of a 30-year-old woman who was convicted of assaulting a Chinese police officer during a protest in Hong Kong by hitting him with her breast.

Defendant Ng Lai-ying was convicted of using her chest to hit the right arm of the police officer, Chief Inspector Chan Ka-po, while the officer was attempting to restore order during a protest against cross-border traders. Ms Ng claimed that Inspector Chan had touched her breast while trying to grab the strap of her shoulder bag, and accused him of indecent assault. The court, however, saw it differently, with the magistrate accusing her of maliciously fabricating the charge to harm the inspector's reputation.

As you might suspect, much of the population of Hong Kong is not taking the magistrate's ruling very seriously. Protestors gathered outside police headquarters loudly chanted "breasts are not weapons," and many demonstrators - including men - wore bras to protest what they considered to be a ludicrous ruling ...

Well, if I'm a police officer facing an unruly demonstrator, I'd rather that person be brandishing a pair of 38's, as opposed to a single .38 of greater lethality.

Have a good day. Ladies, you already know that your breasts have the power to reduce otherwise powerful men to quivering wrecks ... it's not necessary to use them as bludgeons, too. Please use your concealed-carry rights wisely.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.S. - For another look at dangerous décolletage, check out my post from last March on bra holsters for your concealed weapon.

Robot Wedding

From the Department of I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up comes this major news story: the world's first robot wedding took place in Japan last Saturday.

I can understand you not noticing this event, because in the past week we've been concerned with weddings of other sorts here in the US of A, but this is really a big deal ... after all, it's not every day that two inanimate objects get married. Here are a few pictures from the Big Event ...

As you can see, the groom - a handsome mechanical man named Frois - decked himself out in a smart black bow tie, while the blushing bride, Yurikin, wore a traditional white dress.

The ceremony culminated with the traditional kissing of the bride, although there was perhaps a bit more tongue involved than most of us are used to ...

And the reception featured the traditional wedding cake, the batter for which was made with eggs, flour, sugar, and 40-weight oil ...

You can read the whole story and watch the video here. Be sure to read the comments after the story ... they're the best part. Here are a few samples:

"The wedding night must have sounded like a #10 tin can filled with marbles;"

"I wonder if they had to get an electrician's signature on the marriage certificate to verify circuit board compatibility;"

"I wonder how they procreate? Do they need lubricant or is it all show and no go? Either way, SCOTUS* will allow it;" and finally,

"Shame on you haters! You're all robophobic..."

Of course, there are other things to think about in conjunction with this wedding. For instance, one wonders about who the maid of honor might have been ...

Or the best man ...

The mother of the bride ...

And nowadays, you need to have security at high-profile public events ...

Yes, Dear Readers, nowadays in America marriage is a right we grant to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation. In Japan, it's a right granted regardless of mechanical construction. They're way ahead of us.

Have a good day. You may now tune up the bride.

See you tomorrow for the announcement of our Right Cheek Ass Clown for July.

Bilbo

* Supreme Court of the United States, in case you're not familiar with the acronym.

Bottoms Up!

Yesterday I got an e-mail from my old friend Dave, with whom I served in Berlin many years ago. He wrote to tell me of an interesting article he'd stumbled upon and thought I would enjoy as a topic for a blog post ... he sent a link to the article and went on to say, "If you've already written on this, please direct me to the post. If not, I'd love to read what you have to say on the subject."

Well, Dave, I haven't written on this particular subject before, so let's see what we can do with an article from US News and World Report titled "Stop Drinking Camel Urine, World Health Organization Says."

Chances are you haven't passed up a glass of iced tea in favor of a glass of camel urine for refreshment on a hot day, but it seems that some people in middle eastern countries do ... and, according to the World Health Organization (WHO), they probably shouldn't. It seems that camel urine, refreshing though it might be, can carry the virus which causes the deadly Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS. According to an article on the WHO website titled Frequently Asked Questions on Middle East Respiratory Syndrome Coronavirus,

"Until more is understood about MERS, people with diabetes, renal failure, chronic lung disease, and immunocompromised persons ... should avoid contact with camels, drinking raw camel milk or camel urine, or eating meat that has not been properly cooked."

I find myself, uncharacteristically, at a loss for words, and I can't help but imagine what the camels think about this ...

And I have to wonder ... who collects that camel urine? What training is involved? Do they have a union? What sort of benefits package comes with a job collecting camel urine? And how does one describe that sort of expertise on one's resume?

I understand that people eat and drink some pretty strange things*, and I don't mind an occasional gastronomic adventure**, but I think I'd draw the line at drinking urine, camel ... or otherwise ...

Sorry, Dave - I think I'll stick with a nice, cold beer***. And by the way, I have written on the subject of urine (albeit human) before, most recently this past May ... you can read it here.

Have a good day. Enjoy a glass of cold, refreshing water, why dontcha, and then come back tomorrow for our latest collection of Great Moments in Editing.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Such as haggis, yak butter tea, assorted insects, and fugu.

** Within limits.

*** Angel has a few suggestions.

Enforcing Discipline in Government Service

You may recall that North Korean overlord Kim Jong Un has been in the news from time to time for allegedly devising new and brutal methods of executing those with whom he has significant disagreements. The latest example of this flair for personnel management with extreme prejudice came when he recently had his minister of defense executed by a firing squad armed with antiaircraft guns; a year or two ago, he also supposedly had his uncle and mentor eaten alive by a pack of savage dogs.

Now, if you think this is a bit of an extreme approach to enforcing discipline among senior government officials, you're not alone*. It seems to me that the prospect of being eaten by dogs is not conducive to attracting top talent to government service, even in a workers' paradise like North Korea. Nevertheless, one must wonder if we might be able to improve the performance of our own government if there were more creative punishments available for those guilty of graft, corruption, nepotism, sexual misconduct** or other sorts of first- or second-degree ass clownery. Here are a few of the sentences that come to mind ...

- Take away their chauffeured cars and require them to take public transportation to work. The horror of having to rub elbows with Real People would be a terrifying punishment.

- Reassign them to Detroit ...

- Force them to listen to loops of Ted Cruz speeches.

- Require Republicans to reconcile GOP tax and economic policies with reality, using only data provided by the Congressional Research Service - not by a conservative partisan think tank.

- Require Democrats to explain how to pay for Democratic social programs, using only data provided by the Congressional Research Service - not by a liberal partisan think tank.

- Make them watch a "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" marathon; number of hours dictated by the severity of their misconduct.

What are your ideas? How would you discipline the obstreperous children of Capitol Hill? Leave a comment and let the rest of us know.

Have a good day. Demand more from your elected reprehensives, even if you end up continually disappointed. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Although I'm quite sure that such measures have a certain appeal to the most rabid anti-Obama wings of the extreme right.

** A marvelous euphemism, that.

Gee, Whiz!

As you know, Dear Readers, ol’ Bilbo does not flinch from bringing you the most interesting and useful of information, without regard to the boundaries of … well … good taste. In the past we have reported on the properties and use of toilet paper around the world, the Poo2Loo movement in India, which is trying to teach Indians not to defecate in public, and – earlier this week – a summary of everything you ever wanted to know about bathroom behavior. What’s left?, you wonder.

Funny you should ask.

Upon reading the bathroom behavior post, my daughter forwarded to me this very interesting* article from Modernfarmer.com: Can Human Urine Replace Chemical Fertilizers?

The article discusses the activities of the Rich Earth Institute of Brattleboro, Vermont, which encourages the use of urine as a natural replacement for chemical fertilizers. The Institute’s website notes that Americans produce some 30 billion gallons of urine each year, with each person’s individual contribution containing some 5 kilograms of usable fertilizer. The Institute further observes that instead of harnessing the potential of this resource, we use 1.2 trillion gallons of drinkable water to flush it away. They have a goal of collecting 6,000 gallons of donated urine for testing purposes in the coming year.

Other cultures are evidently more in tune with this effort than are we. Many cultures have collected and spread “night soil”** as fertilizer for thousands of years, and Sweden has introduced high-tech toilets which divert urine to holding tanks for later collection and use as fertilizer. In America, though, the ick factor may be difficult for many to overcome***.

Not all, though. I remember that one of my father’s attempts to scare deer away from his tomato garden involved requiring us during each visit to urinate into jars, which he then arranged scientifically among the potted tomato plants. The theory was that the deer would smell the odor of humans and seek sustenance elsewhere … the reality was that it didn’t do much to discourage the deer after the first 24 hours, although it did seem to divert the attention of door-to-door salesmen and itinerant religious proselytizers.

The theory of using human urine as fertilizer appears to be sound, but there are some drawbacks besides that “ick factor” … not the least of which is the presence of pharmaceutical residue⁺ that might contaminate the soil. According to the article, the EPA has selected Rich Earth for funding to conduct a study of residual drugs in urine, with the help of the University of Michigan and SUNY Buffalo.

So …

Stop just being the middleman between beer and the potty … collect that valuable liquid for future use. There’s a reason it’s golden in color, after all.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Well, "interesting" is a subjective term, I suppose.

** Don’t ask.

*** Even considering that we watch Faux News and listen to people like Ted Cruz.

⁺ That would be drugs, prescription and otherwise.

Don't Take This Sitting Down

Last year I attempted to broaden your perspectives on human behavior by describing the rules by which men select which urinal to use in public restrooms. If you somehow missed that post, you can review it here. And if you want to know everything else about human bathroom behavior, look no further - here is is, in an article by Clint Rainey from New York Magazine titled (of course) "Everything We Know About Human Bathroom Behavior."

You can learn:

- How men and women choose their stall or urinal. Yes, it's not only men who have unwritten rules about where to relieve themselves. About all we don't do is circle the right spot three or four times before doing our business.

- The science of urination and the rules which govern how men pee. Studies show that putting a fly decal on the urinal can reduce ... uh ... spillage by as much as 80 percent.

- How people behave in bathroom stalls. This is very interesting, because one of the points made in the article is that many people like to conduct business while doing their business. I can tell you from personal observation that a great many overly personal cell phone conversations are conducted in Pentagon men's rooms by people who seem to believe that Maxwell Smart's cone of silence descends upon them when the door closes.

- How people use toilet paper. There's more to it than Sears catalogs, corncobs, and arguing over whether the roll should be mounted for over or under access.

And much, much more.

Don't say I never provide you with useful information you can whip out when the conversation slows down at parties.

Have a good day. Learn the science and etiquette of appropriate elimination, which will serve you in good stead during election season.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Keeping an Eye on the Army

Every once in a while comes a story so utterly bizarre that I find myself, quite uncharacteristically, at a loss for words. Here is the latest one: "Abbott Orders Texas Guard to 'Monitor' Planned Military Exercises."

Yes, Dear Readers, the governor of Texas - Greg Abbott - has called out the National Guard to keep an eye on the US Army as it conducts a two month training maneuver called "Jade Helm" in remote areas of the Lone Star State. Apparently, some of the more touchy residents of the state are concerned that the maneuvers might be a cover for some "nefarious" activity ... such as a dastardly attempt to confiscate everyone's guns, or confine citizens to FEMA concentration camps. The governor sent the following tweet to his constituents

I've ordered the Texas State Guard to monitor Jade Helm 15 to safeguard Texans' constitutional rights, private property & civil liberties.*

Wow.

The extreme right in this country has really gone 'round the bend when a state governor ... even in a notoriously prickly place like Texas ... thinks he needs to call out the National Guard to protect his citizens from the United States Army.

I don't know whether to be disgusted or just shake my head in amazement.

Okay ... I've decided on being disgusted.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Read the comments on the tweet. Scary.

Going Out In Style

In an earlier post, I discussed an article that listed some of the things Americans could learn from the rest of the world. I have since found a new practice that is interesting, but which probably wouldn't transfer so well from a distant land to our own. I refer, of course, to the practice in some rural Chinese areas of hiring funeral strippers.

Yes, Dear Readers, it seems that in some parts of rural China there is a tradition of helping loved ones get over their grief by hiring strippers to perform at the memorial service for the deceased. Actually, the purpose of hiring the strippers is less to help assuage grief and more to attract large crowds of mourners, as a way of saving face for the deceased. In fact, in some parts of China, one can hire professional mourners (or kusangren) to achieve the same goal, albeit with less entertainment value.

Unfortunately for those who might have been looking forward to a pole dance at the next funeral, the Chinese Ministry of Culture is beginning to crack down on the use of strippers at memorial services, saying that the memorial stripteases "(undermine) the cultural value of the entertainment business" and are "uncivilized." One individual who organized such performances was jailed for 15 days and fined $11,000.

A related story on NPR indicated that the practice of hiring funeral strippers isn't isolated to rural China, noting that Taiwan also has funeral strippers who sometimes perform on the beds* of trucks to make for a faster getaway should the local authorities opt not to join in the mourning.

So ...

I guess that the tradition of hiring professional strippers to encourage attendance at one's funeral probably won't catch on here. Of course, there are other things that could be done to liven up the last rites ...

... but they may not go over so well, either.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* No jokes, please.

There Oughta Be a Law, Part 2

If, Dear Readers, you are confused because you have been scrolling around looking for Part 1 of this post and not finding it, you just haven't scrolled far enough ... because it was posted on June 18th of 2012. Part 2 is only coming about now because I have recent personal experience with the topic.

If you don't feel like going back and reading the earlier post, here's the Readers' Digest version: a post by fellow blogger Angel had led me to something called Godwin's Law, which hypothesizes that, given enough time, any online discussion - regardless of topic or scope - will eventually include some comparison to Hitler and the Nazis. Here's the actual Law ...

"As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1."

This is common enough that there is a new addition to the list of logical fallacies titled Reductio ad Hitlerum, about which you can read here.

My latest brush with this logical fallacy came just yesterday, when I got into an online discussion with an old friend (old boss, actually, from my time in Berlin many years ago). He had posted a meme to his Facebook page which contrasted two quotes - one from Alan West and the other from Hillary Clinton:

I took issue with this as an overly simplistic reduction of a complex argument ... and a complex argument ensued. My point was that showing concern for the condition of the society as a whole is not the same as "feigning to know the societal good," or "dismiss(ing) ... unalienable individual rights." My friend kept trying to pin me down as a hysterically wild-eyed ivory tower liberal, with comments like, "So West's questions have no validity or relevance whatsoever?" and "So we must adopt Hillary's absolute, 'We must stop thinking of the individual...?'." The discussion spiraled around like water down a drain until a new person entered the discussion and posted this ...

... along with the comment, "... how about this comparison? Still think there (is) 'validity on both sides'?".

Yes, Dear Readers, it took exactly eight comments on my friend's original post to reach Reductio ad Hitlerum.

Now, at the risk of putting words in the lady's mouth, I think that what Ms Clinton should have said (and perhaps meant to say) was that it's not a good idea to focus exclusively on the needs of the individual at the expense of the larger society in which that individual lives. Completely unrestricted individual freedom is what used to be quaintly known as anarchy, and the need to regulate individual behavior in the interest of society is why we accept the limitations on our freedom that we call laws. There is, of course, a legitimate argument to be made about which laws are necessary, how intrusive or limiting they ought to be, and where the proper balance between rights and responsibilities lies, but that argument shouldn't rest on silly memes which rest on comparisons between individual gotcha quotes (usually without context). If we're going to resort to firing memes back and forth in lieu of principled discussion, here's mine ...

And just for the record, anyone who compares any present-day American political figure to Adolf Hitler* is utterly ignorant of history.

Have a good day. Think beyond the meme. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* By the way, I'm posting this on April 20th, which - as it happens - is the birthday (in 1889) of Adolf Hitler.

Winning Friends Through Chemistry

I ran across an interesting sidelight on our unfortunate experience in Afghanistan the other day. It seems that the CIA was having some difficulty in recruiting some of the wilier Afghan warlords, either as fighting allies or as sources of information. Paying them off with the traditional banded stacks of $100 bills didn't work, because it made it obvious that they were working with the Americans ... which didn't endear them to many of their countrymen. Giving them gifts of cars, household appliances, electronics, and other such items wasn't advisable for the same reason ... not to mention the difficulty of using that new Sears washer/dryer combination or 65-inch plasma TV in a remote mountain village, especially when the recipients likely can't read the instruction manuals.

What to do?

Well, according to this 2008 article from the Washington Post, the answer was ... Viagra.

Yes, Dear Readers, those grizzled 60+ year old warlords really enjoyed gifts of little blue pills that allowed them to satisfy their young wives and demonstrate their continued virility to the younger men. And as an added bonus, they turned into real tigers in a stand-up fight*.

Viagra: America's secret weapon in the war against whatever it is we're fighting. Helping warriors rise to the occasion since 2008.

Your tax dollars at work.

Have a good day. See you tomorrow for the latest batch of Great Moments in Editing.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* So to speak.

About Face

From the Department of I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up comes this story datelined Chicago: Chicago's Mud Facial Bar Adds 'Breast Milk Facials' To It's List Of Add-Ons.

Yes, Dear Readers, if you are in the Windy City and in need of a good facial treatment to rejuvenate your tired, wrinkled visage, for a mere $10 added to the basic $40 cost of your facial you can add a "breast milk substitute" that is advertised to "clear the skin and make it smooth by healing the underlying skin problems." The owner of the bar said she had been inspired by reading mommy blogs that extolled the virtues of breast milk, presumably for reasons other than nourishing hungry infants. She said that, "I really wanted to come up with something that is quick, effective, that appealed to the urban city girl.”

The active ingredient that allegedly makes breast milk good for the skin is lauric acid (C₁₂H₂₄O₂), a saturated fatty acid that has a faint odor of bay oil or soap. It is said to boost the levels of "good" cholesterol in the blood and to have a beneficial effect on skin that has been damaged by sunburn, eczema, and acne.

So, if you're tired of shelling out enormous amounts of money for overpriced cosmetic skin treatments, you should consider going natural ... after all, if it's good for little babies, it's ought to be good for you, right?

And the active ingredient comes in such nice containers, too.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow, when we'll name our Left Cheek Ass Clown of the Month.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Concealed Carry of the Brain

Each year sees a terrible number of deaths, both intentional and accidental, involving firearms. One of the most tragic, and yet most eye-rollingly stupid of them was reported in the city of Kalamazoo, Michigan, where, on January 1st, a woman accidentally shot herself in the eye while trying to adjust the gun she was carrying in a ... bra holster.

Yes, Dear Readers, you heard that right - a bra holster. There are apparently several types of such holsters for women who wish to conceal more than one type of 38, so to speak. Here is one, marketed as the "Flashbang," available from Amazon.com for $26.79 to $49.99, depending on the weapon to be holstered and the natural embellishments of the armed lady...

It seems to me that this is not a terribly practical design, requiring the lady to pull up her shirt, grab the gun by the handle, and pull it down, probably while under duress ... which probably explains how an insufficiently experienced quickdraw artist* could accidentally fire the gun, with predictable results. One might also think that it would give a somewhat unusual, angular appearance to the normally rounded appearance of that portion of the lady's anatomy. However, given the current craze for the concealed carry** of weapons, I suppose this development was only a matter of time.

Of course, this is not the first deadly bra accessory on which I have reported in this space. You may recall this post from May of 2013, in which I brought to your attention "rape prevention underwear" being developed by some engineering students in India. A key part of the "Society Harnessing Equipment"*** was a set of sensors located in the bra**** which would, when triggered, deliver a 3800 volt shock to an attacker, while simultaneously sending a GPS-enabled SOS message to the local police ...

Not all of Victoria's secrets are pleasant ones.

Have a good day. Consider carrying your deadly weapons in your purse. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Or an energetic date.

** Unintentional alliteration.

*** Yes, it's a stupid name, but I didn't make it up.

**** The bra in the picture is a prototype ... one imagines that the final version would be a bit more decorative.

For the Cat Who Has Everything

Well ... here in NoVa everything is utterly quiet and covered in a thick blanket of snow; looks to be about six inches in my front yard. The government is closed because of the snow ... they had to make an announcement so that everyone would notice. And Faux News is reporting that all this snow clearly reflects the failed policies of the Obama administration.

But enough of that ...

There's a stereotype of the "crazy cat lady" - the woman (usually older and single, who in a less sensitive time might have been called a "spinster") who lives in her cluttered home, surrounded by large numbers of cats. There is probably some reason for the attraction between women and cats, but it remains for science to uncover it ...

But although science may not be able to unravel this mysterious attraction, it has contributed to the relationship between women and cats by allowing them to drink together.

Yes, Dear Readers, according to this short article from Time.com, a company in Japan* called "B&H Lifes" is now selling a wine blended especially for cats. It's called “Nyan Nyan** Nouveau,” and contains catnip mixed with juice made from Cabernet grapes ... but no alcohol***. It goes for 399 yen per bottle (or about $4.00), and is a limited edition.

All you crazy cat ladies out there, place your orders now ... you'll never again have to drink alone.****

Have a good day. Be sure your cat drinks responsibly.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo


* Where else?

** "Nyan, nyan" is apparently the sound made by Japanese cats, much as American cats say "meow."

*** Cats are annoying enough when sober ... can you imagine a drunken one?

**** Not applicable to you, Brenda. I don't think you have any problems here.

The Poop Bus

From the Department of I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up Comes this report from - where else? - Faux News: Poop-Powered Bus Hits British Roads.

Yes, Faux News knows how to report on crap, and they've got a live one here.

It seems that a British firm which specializes in green* energy has built and is operating a vehicle they call a "biobus," which runs on the methane gas generated from the decomposition of human sewage and food waste. The 40-seat bus can travel up to 184 miles on a single tank of the gas, which is generated via a process known as "anaerobic digestion."

Oddly enough, the poop bus produces less harmful waste than regular diesel engines, helping to improve air quality in urban areas. And because the yucky impurities are removed from the gas to ensure the bus doesn’t stink, it's less offensive than you might think should you be stuck next to one idling at a traffic light.

I can't wait until the poop bus makes its appearance here in Washington. We could build a major fueling facility on Capitol Hill and another on K Street, and never run out of fuel. Ever.

The poop bus - for those times when you've just got to go somewhere.

Have a good day. Be here tomorrow to share some thoughts about my favorite holiday.

Bilbo

* Well, technically, in this case it's brown energy, but that's not important now.

Trouble in Silicone Valley

Living as we do in a land of plenty, we Americans tend to get when we are confronted with unexpected shortages of things we need or want. When the supermarket is out of our preferred brand of corn flakes or toilet paper or ketchup, we complain loudly to the manager. When the local Apple Store doesn't have just the right iPad or iPod or other widget we want, we whine like it's the end of the world.

But I can tell you, Dear Readers, things are a lot worse in other countries, where shortages of some items pose real problems.

Consider the situation of underendowed women in Venezuela, where there is a nationwide shortage of silicone breast implants, no trivial issue for a nation in which nearly 85,000 aesthetic (as opposed to reconstructive) breast procedures were conducted last year. Only the United States, Brazil, Mexico, and Germany perform more breast surgeries.

According to this article, currency controls put in place by the Venezuelan government have led to shortages of many critical items, including breast implants, and to skyrocketing prices for those items when they are available. A breast prosthesis can cost $5,000 or more if a patient is fortunate enough to find one*. And it makes the lady who reportedly paid over $20,000 to have her chest enhanced by the addition of a third breast look positively greedy.

Thanks for the mammaries, as Bob Hope used to sing.

Have a good day. Be grateful for what you have. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Of course, "one" doesn't do much good when the surgery is for aesthetic augmentation, does it?

Fund Raising Alternatives

You have certainly all heard by now of the so-called "Ice Bucket Challenge," in which people are asked to dump a bucket of ice water over their heads for the privilege of contributing money to research into ALS (the degenerative disorder also known as "Lou Gehrig's Disease"). If one is challenged and does not wish to be doused with ice water, he or she can buy their way out of the challenge by contributing a larger amount of money - typically $100. If you're on Facebook, you have certainly seen many videos of your friends doing the challenge, and you have also no doubt been tagged by those friends to do the challenge yourself.

Now granted, ALS is a terrible disease and research into finding a cure is expensive. Unfortunately, it does not affect enough people to make it financially worthwhile for the pharmaceutical companies to invest tens of millions of dollars in developing drugs that will treat it ... thus, things like the Ice Bucket Challenge have cropped up to help fill in the funding gap.

As it happens, though, there are lots of other ways to raise money for worthwhile charities. Bake sales are always popular, as are walk-a-thons, pie-eating contests, dance marathons, and other activities that do not involve the heart-stopping shock of having a bucket of ice water dumped on one's head.

Let's look at one in particular that hails from Japan.

According to this article, nine Japanese porn actresses (the ladies in the two back rows in the picture below) raised tens of thousands of dollars for AIDS prevention by staging a "Boob Aid" event.  The nine adult film* stars, wearing yellow campaign T-shirts rolled up to reveal their breasts, offered donors the opportunity to fondle said breasts in exchange for donations ... on average, about 1,000 yen ($10). Both men and women took advantage of the opportunity, spraying their hands with disinfectant before discreetly caressing the offered breasts.

More than 2,300 pairs of hands took part in the event during its 24-hour run, raising an estimated $23,000 for AIDS research and prevention**.

"I'm really looking forward to lots of people fondling my boobs," said one of the actresses in an interview before the event, "but I would be very happy if you would please be delicate." She went on to say that. "I never thought my boobs could contribute to society."

Another porn actress commented, "It's for charity. Squeeze them, donate money - let's be happy."

Happier than if one had a bucket of ice water dumped on one's head, no doubt.

Have a good day. Donate to the charity of your choice ... in a dignified way, please.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I've always thought that was a heckuva euphemism.

** And no doubt raising other things of which we will not speak here.

Ass Clown of the Month for July - Part 2

The best-laid plans ...

It was only a few days ago that I announced my plan to begin a new system for designating recipients of the Ass Clown of the Month Award, announcing the award recipients every other Friday, alternating with the Great Moments in Editing feature ...

... and here I am, already violating my new system. I would have liked to wait to make this announcement, but I really don't want two weeks to to pass before giving due dishonor to this amazingly well-qualified nominee, brought to my attention by my daughter, who was quick to notice the level of award-winning ass clownery represented by this - ready for this one? - elected official.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the second Ass Clown of the Month Award for July, 2014 is presented to

Kentucky State Senator Brandon Smith

In a speech last week condemning the Obama administration’s new Environmental Protection Agency carbon emission regulations, Senator Smith* (who also owns a mining company called Mohawk Energy) claimed that man-made climate change is scientifically implausible because Mars and Earth are exactly the same temperature. In his speech, Senator Smith said:

"As you [an official of the Kentucky Energy & Environment Cabinet] sit there in your chair with your data, we sit up here in ours with our data and our constituents and stuff behind us. I won’t get into the debate about climate change but I’ll simply point out that I think in academia we all agree that the temperature on Mars is exactly as it is here. Nobody will dispute that. Yet there are no coal mines on Mars. There’s no factories on Mars that I’m aware of."

Senator Smith has obviously not checked his information with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), which notes that the average temperature on Earth is 57 degrees Fahrenheit, while the average temperature on Mars is -81 degrees Fahrenheit ... a difference of 138 degrees. You can check out the current weather on Mars here**.

For his almost unbelievable example of scientific illiteracy and utter ignorance of the science of climate change, Kentucky State Senator Brandon Smith is designated as our second Ass Clown of the Month for July, 2014.

Have a good day. Be careful who you vote for.

Bilbo

* Does it surprise you that he's a Republican?

** Please pass the information to Senator Smith.