Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Ultimate Truths of the Universe

I think I set a new record yesterday for number of comments received on a single post. But since I can't write about armpits every day, I guess I should look for something else with which to entertain you today. How about this abridged list of the Ultimate Truths of the Universe (with my commentary, of course)?

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track (And even if you're on the right track, the train will run over you if you don't keep moving).

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain (This is related to the classic admonition that "the beatings will continue until morale improves")

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be (The "good old days" weren't necessarily good...just old).

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough (Bilbo's Corollary: any problem is easier to face if you've stockpiled enough gin, tonic water, and fresh limes).

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant (This is intended to be a factual statement, Senator Kyl).

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication (A truth not lost on al Qaeda, Hamas, and the dumbass who added discussion of "death panels for granny" to arguments about health care reform).

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world (And has no future in politics).

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for (The first rule of modern politics).

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler (Otherwise, Republicans and Democrats won't be able to understand it).

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense (This is actually a memorable quote from G.K. Chesterton that you may recognize as my personal motto).

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism (Unfortunately, you can only use it once, and you're not likely to benefit from the insights).

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you've figured out who to blame.

19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday (Mike can tell you how much of it is spent on Friday the 13th).

20. Every time you make ends meet, some ass clown moves the ends.

21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious (And nobody gets out of it alive).

22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on (This is related to the classic observation that foolproof plans never allow for the ingenuity of fools).

24. You may think this is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it (The 2012 presidential race is coming).

25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Have I missed anything? Add your personal ultimate truths to the comments.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



Gilahi said...

"That which does not kill me can still really, really hurt."

(From my days as a chemistry major, also true in today's political discourse) "If the facts don't match the theory then the facts must be changed."

Wv: mists - Oh wait... that's a real word.

Amanda said...

"Good things no cheap and cheap things no good"

I find this one to be true most of the time but if you close one eye, the cheap things are usually adequate....

Bandit said...

Every morning, eat a live toad and hopefully that will be the worst thing that happens that day.

Raquel's World said...

Congrats on breaking your record. Fat people use more soap. Never thought about that.

Mike said...

'Indecision is the key to flexibility.'

I'm not sure if this belongs on the list but I'll go with what ever you decide.

allenwoodhaven said...

"Never let a lack of facts get in the way of an opinion."

"Nothing is idiot-proof because they keep making better idiots."

John said...

Good list...gonna have to borrow these on occasion.

Banister said...

A few things I learned this freshman year...

The susceptibility of a professor to flattery is in inverse proportion to his years of tenure.

Never frighten a girl carrying a pizza. Pizzas are noted for being difficult to remove from dorm room ceilings.

It is impossible for anyone to keep a secret.

My dad was right... nice clothes and nice manners and a nice smile will get you in the door. After that, you'd better know something.

No matter where you are and no matter what people are doing, always remember that someone has a camera phone.

KathyA said...

And who'd have thought??? "armpits"???

How about "A desk is a dangerous place from which to rule the world."?