As I've gotten more into blogging over the past year and a half, I've accumulated a small but growing set of digital friends...people I'm never likely actually to meet in person, but with whom I've shared a lot of thoughts. These are the people who listen to my rants, agree with me on some points, disagree with me on others, and generally make the day more interesting...all of which got me to thinking about the meaning of friendship in a digital world.
We form our traditional friendships based on shared interests over time spent together learning about each other and building a relationship based on trust and confidence. It's said that a friend is someone who'll help you move, but a real friend is one who will help you move a body. I'm not sure I'd go that far, but to me a friend is someone you can count on to be there when you need help, and who is confident that you would be there for him (her), too. When I answered Serina Hope's "10 Words or Less" meme, I noted that one of the characteristics I most look for in friends is trustworthiness, which is what I'm talking about here.
Friend is one of those words that is sometimes used more freely than we really mean. I've noted that Agnes draws that linguistic line more definitively than I do: where I will talk about my friends at work, she'll talk about her colleagues (Arbeitskollegen, in German), drawing a subtle difference between those she cares about as friends and those who are just co-workers she spends office time with, but wouldn't necessarily want to chum around with in her free time. In our online circles we talk about our blogging friends, which we understand to carry a certain level of meaning in the context of our digital lives.
What does that all mean in the virtual world of the Internet, blogs, MySpace, Facebook, and so on? It means that we form our digital friendships through the exchanges of the written word, rather than through the traditional means of meeting, greeting, sharing experiences, and learning about each other by observation and shared adventure. It's the 21st century equivalent of the old-time pen pal we knew only through ink on paper. As we share memes and linkbacks, trade online profiles, give each other awards, and exchange glimpses of our lives through posted pictures, we form a mental image of the individuals with whom we're holding digital hands. We don't actually know the real person on the other end of the line, but we perceive that person based on what they've chosen to share about themselves. Philosophers tell us that each of us is really three different people: the person others see; the person we choose to expose to others; and the person we actually are. Singer Nanci Griffith expressed it well in her wonderful song "Late Nite Grande Hotel," when she sang that "no one really knows the heart of anyone else."
Would we actually like each other as much in person as we do in the blogosphere? I have a feeling that, in most cases, we would. There are tens of millions of blogs out there, and most of us have a fairly small number that we visit regularly because we've decided over time that we like what we see and read of the person on the other end of the wire. If we only post the most flattering photos of ourselves, well, so what? It's natural. Most of us have posted some variation on the "(pick a number) facts about me," (mine was back on October 5th), but not everyone can be as honest (and funny) as Amanda, who actually posted about how annoying she is.
So what's the point of all this? Just a few random thoughts that occurred to me as I considered the digital friends I've made since launching this blog. Someday a few of us may actually meet each other and have the opportunity to decide if the image we've formed is accurate. But for now, I'll take the digital relationship for what it's worth, and continue to look forward to the few minutes I spend each day with each of you.
Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.
Bilbo
6 comments:
Interesting that Agnes is careful about the word "friend". I think it's a linguistic thing; my partner is Japanese, and she also only uses the Japanese word for "friend" when she really means it. At other times she tends to use words that mean "colleague" or else "somebody I know".
I think English speakers are looser with the word than others. I'm not sure if that means we're friendlier, or just more superficial. Perhaps both. Probably somebody's written a book or an article about it somewhere.
That's true. There's a song by one of my favorite bands, Grey Eye Glance, it's called Faces and it's about all the faces we put on for people.
And sadly most of my friends in real life have turned to computer friends because of moving etc. It's become hard for me to remember when I last had a friend around my home town.
Since my move to Palembang, tts been all the digital relationships that I have online that keeps me entertained and in touch with the world. Sadly, I still don't have any friends (of the true meaning) in Palembang.
I never thought of it that way, using the word friend loosely, that is. This is a real beautiful post.
There are a few bloggers I consider a 'close friend' and others I consider just a friend. Perhaps I err on the side of optimism by labeling a potential friend as friend. I would rather flatter than offend, you know. I would not want to hurt somebody who did consider themselves my friend by not expressing mutual liking (assuming that mutual connection exists, of course).
I've thought about the relationships that I've been building through blogging. The number of blogs that I read has increased bcause I will often read some of the blogs that my "blogging friends" are reading.
I found Numeric Life just by random blog searching. You have a link from that site and that's how I found you.
I found Amanda's blog because you introduced me to her through your link. While Picard's Journal gives little personal information, his comments are always as enjoyable as his great fiction writing. (another friend that you introduced me to.)
It would be great to get to meet all of my blogging friends. I doubt that will happen. However, I do have a meeting scheduled for DC next May 12-15. I'm hoping that the National's will be in town. Are you interested in seeing a game?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks for all your comments...it's always interesting to see how (or if) my ideas resonate with others. Noisims, your comments about your Japanese friend and choice of words for "friend" line up with my observations of German and most other languages and cultures. English offers the same range of choices of terminology, but I think that Americans, in particular, being a more open society, are much looser with the term "friend," as you note. Interestingly, and a good subject for another post, is the similar use of the term "love." Amanda, Sue and Mistress, thanks for the comments...it's always good to hear from you. John, I'd enjoy meeting you here in DC when you're in town, although I'm not really a baseball sort of person. As the time gets closer, e-mail me at bilbo_the_blogger@yahoo.com, and if I'm not on the road, we can meet for a game or dinner or something.
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