Sunday, May 17, 2009

Things You Wish You'd Known Then (Gentlemen's Edition)

You may find it hard to believe, but I wasn't always the studly and self-confident fellow I am today. Yes, once upon a time, I was one of those poor fellows intimidated by beautiful women, unable to figure out how to break the ice and meet the ladies I admired from a distance. I once paid good money for a book titled How to Pick Up Beautiful Women before I found that the chapter titles included "Fork Lifts," "Block and Tackle," and "Chain Hoists."

But now, far too late to be of any practical use for myself, I have found an excellent article on Yahoo Personals titled 10 Tips for Approaching Single Women. As a public service for those fellows who are still trolling the deep and turbulent waters of the dating scene, I thought I'd summarize it and editorialize a bit for your benefit. The ten tips are:

1. Observe something. You can always make some simple comment about your surroundings to get the conversational ball rolling. But it has to be appropriate to the situation...if she's eating a turkey sandwich, pointing out that she dropped a blob of mayonnaise on her blouse and offering to remove it for her may not be the best approach.

2. Smile. A good dictionary offers a handy guide to the difference between smile and leer. Most ladies know the difference already.

3. Don't Hesitate. If you're hesitant, it implies that you lack self-confidence. Of course, if she looks at you, points, and laughs, a little hesitation may not be a bad thing.

4. Use Positive Body Language. Your body language should let the ladies know that you are relaxed and self-confident. Approaching a woman on your knees while begging for a date is not usually a good move.

5. Not So Fast. Approach the lady casually and confidently. Rushing up in your haste to meet her is a good way to find out if she's packing heat.

6. Maintain Eye Contact. Anatomical note: the average lady's eyes remain located slightly above and on either side of the nose, regardless of the amount of cleavage being shown further down.

7. Listen up. Pay attention to what the lady is saying. If you are intent on following your own script, you may miss key linguistic hints she is dropping...like, "Get lost, creep," or "Somebody please call security!!"

8. Don't Fidget. It's distracting and shows that you are uncomfortable speaking with the lady. Observe yourself in the mirror. If even you wouldn't want to go out with you, work on your mannerisms a while longer.

9. Lighten Your Tone of Voice. Using a light, playful approach is usually preferable to using a Darth Vader voice while inviting the lady to power up your light saber.

10. Lean Away From Her. Don't crowd the lady. Most women react negatively to an interpersonal distance measured in angstroms, at least on the first date.

These are good rules, and they don't cost anything. Use them judiciously. Especially number 6.

Don't thank me, guys...it's all part of the service.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

9 comments:

John said...

"...power up your light saber."

Funny.

Melissa B. said...

I concur wholeheartedly with all of these, whether you're trying to pick up a chick or just meet a new friend. The most difficult part of social interaction for my students is looking a person straight in the eye. They are so uncomfortable sometimes in conversations that they look everywhere else, but.

Oh, and by the way, I mailed your cookbook yesterday. I promise! I'll be you get it Monday or Tuesday. And please stop by for Sx3 today...we've got quite a Fish Tale goin' on!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I'll have to remember all those.

Mike said...

It's hard to do number 6 when number 1 is best observed from 'behind'.

Debbie said...

I could add about 10 more to this list. Maybe the other ladies can help.

11. Say NO to crack! As in drugs and jeans hanging too low.

12. If you must play show and tell with body piercings and tattoos wait a few dates to see if the lady is into "fine art".

13. The answer to pick up lines is NO! as in, "should I know you?" or "I lost my phone number can I have yours?"

14. Never lie about your career or I'll lie and tell you I'm a proctologist.

As you can tell, I've met the finest the single scene offers. Stay sober ladies or they'll start looking good.

SusieQ said...

Oh, I have one you can add to your list of "Tips for approaching single women."

If the woman tells you she is into health foods, don't pretend you are too if you think that granola is about graft and bribery.

fiona said...

And another!
No matter how bad the itch, DO NOT scratch!

Debbie said...

THINK BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH GUYS!
This is by far the WORST I've heard from a guy hitting on me in a grocery check out line, plus it was too much information.
"Oh yeah, one more thing, I had prostate cancer a few years ago and it left me impotent, is that an issue for you?"
Dumbfounded I replied "Actually no since I never thought of sleeping with you!"
And they walk among us ladies!

Leslie David said...

So Bill, did the book help, since you are a suave and debonair kind of guy?

I love Debbie's comments, can I get a copy of the book? Add these:

1. Don't lie about your height. Since I'm 5'3", max 5' 5", don't tell me you're 5'7" when I'm looking over the top of your head.

2. Don't lie about your dance experience. If you tell me you're an experienced dancer and it's obvous the minute we get on the floor that you don't know what you're doing, I don't care if it's rude or not, I'm leaving.

Missed you Friday.