Sunday, May 03, 2009

The Ultimate in Owner's Manuals

I try to keep my blog posts original, because I've got enough of my own thoughts that I don't, as a rule, need to copy from anybody else. However, every once in a while I find something that's so good I just have to share it.

If you are not familiar with the wonderful blog "Miss Cellania," you should be. It's usually the first one I check every day (sorry, Mike and Fiona, Jean-Luc and Amanda), and the one almost always guaranteed to provide a funny kick-start to the most gruesome of days. I don't know how this lady finds all the things she does, but I'm glad she's on the job.

Anyhow...

This morning, Miss Cellania ran this piece, which will strongly resonate with those of you who have endured the trauma of raising that most challenging of creatures - the teenage daughter...

Operating Guide for a Teenage Daughter
(to be opened on her 13th birthday)

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter and answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the ‘product’ to the factory for a full refund.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. One you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION:
To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN:
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and don’t have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because "it is like so disgusting." She doesn’t want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE:
Teenage daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: "high," and "ultra high." Of course, YOUR daughter is "ultra high." This means that whatever you do won’t be enough, and whatever you try, won’t work.

WARRANTY:
This product is not without defect because she has "your" genes, for heaven’s sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, and as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there - you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it-you just might find her!

Those of you who don't think this is funny have never raised a teenage daughter. Someday, you'll understand.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

5 comments:

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Anything with an instruction manual like that I don't want, EVER.

KKTSews said...

Come on, even Minnie wasn't THIS bad! As the mother of a teenage girl, I did chuckle a lot. She reads your blog, though, but maybe she won't catch this one because the rolling of the eyes may cause permanent damage.

John said...

That would have come in handy about five years ago. At least I would have known what I was in for!

wv: ecission...decisions made after consulting the internet and Googling the subject matter.

Melissa B. said...

When we brought our eldest home from the hospital, she wouldn't stop screaming. My husband held the precious little bundle in his big, manly hands, turning her over and over. "Where's the off switch on this thing? Does it come with instructions?" I'm going to share this post with Mr. Fairway...he'll get a big kick out of it!

BTW, please don't forget Sx3 today. We're celebrating Cinco de Mayo with a Tex-Mex cookbook giveaway!

fiona said...

BRAVO!
The Child Iseult to a T!
The towel part is hilarious and I might add the bane of my life, DAILY!