Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Devil's Letter to Pat Robertson

From the Department of Gee I Wish I'd Written That comes a masterpiece written by a lady in Minnesota. First, the backstory...

As I mentioned in the lead-in to yesterday's Cartoon Saturday, evangelist Pat Robertson suffered another dumbass attack this past week when he spoke of the terrible disaster in Haiti as God's punishment of the Haitians for making a "pact with the devil" to gain their freedom from colonization by the French. This, of course, is not the first example of Mr Robertson's tendency to blame the victims of a disaster for their plight...he has blamed former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon's stroke on his ceding of land to the Palestinians, and he said Americans brought the 9/11 attacks on themselves for banning school prayer and allowing abortion.

Such a nice fellow is Mr Robertson, eh?

Anyhow, a few days ago the Minneapolis Star-Tribune published a letter to Mr Robertson from Satan. Well, not really...the letter was actually written by a Minneapolis lady (a Minneapolitan?) named Lilly Coyle, Satan being far too busy in the Middle East to take the time to write it himself. This is the letter in full...don't read it with a mouth full of anything, because you'll make a mess...

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Now, in my humble opinion, this is the very best kind of takes aim at some ludicrous buffoon and delivers a spear of humor straight to the gut. Unfortunately, it's unlikely that someone like Mr Robertson will understand the humor or appreciate the the savagely intolerant mullahs of the Islamic world who can see things only through their darkly distorted prisms of the seventh century desert and blame all the world's ills on some imagined Great Satan (aka, America), neither the Robertsons nor the Islamists of the world will ever understand or embrace the real Christian message of love, charity, and forgiveness. And when someone like me writes something like that, you know there's some deep feeling there.

Have at it, Pat. Someone way south of here is keeping a seat warm for you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



michelle said...

I first saw the letter on another board. Too bad Robertson will probably never read it, nor understand it if he did.

Have a good week :)

Mike said...

The middle east used to be the cradle of civilisation. But thanks to the Bin Laden types over the centuries it's now back to third world status (unless your a sheik).

Let's hope the Robertson types don't drag the USA back to that era.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Yup even Satan knows Robertson is a tard!

Anonymous said...

The truth is that they did make a pact with the devil.

Now the significance you put on that pact I guess has to do with whether you believe the devil is real or not.

But it is one of Haiti's founding myths.

According to Haitian national history, the revolutionary war was launched on the eve of a religious ceremony at a place in the north called Bwa Kayiman (Bois Caiman, in French). At that ceremony on August 14, 1791, an African slave named Boukman sacrificed a pig, and both Kongo and Creole spirits descended to possess the bodies of the participants, encouraging them and fortifying them for the upcoming revolutionary war. Despite deep ambivalence on the part of intellectuals, Catholics, and the moneyed classes, Vodou has always been linked with militarism and the war of independence and, through it, the pride of national sovereignty.

So, yeah if there is a devil, Haiti made a pact with it. Might explain why even though Haiti and the Dominican Republic share the same island, the Dominican Republic has been far more successful.

SusieQ said...

With all the mean looting going on, even from babies, and with all the awful, awful trouble there has been and continues to be getting desperately needed supplies (food, water, medical) to the Haitians ... and for inexplicable reasons, you gotta wonder about that devil thing.

Still the Haitians pray and sing songs of praise while they wait for help to arrive. God speed the helpers!

KKTSews said...

I shared the letter with our minister, who mentioned the Pat R stupidity (that may have been the word he used) in his sermon yesterday.
As for Anonymous' info about Haitian history--I don't see that voodoo is a pact with the devil. It's more like incorporation of native religion, not unlike the way we have Christmas happen almost exactly at the Winter Solstice like the old pagan winter festivals were.
Do the the Haitians claim they made a pact with the devil?

Leslie David said...

I loved the letter! Hey, Anonymous, did you know there's a voodoun temple right here in DC? Of course their high priest went back to Haiti several years ago--a decision he might regret today. How do I know this? Well, I'm not a practioner but I know someone who is.