Johnny Carson on Democracy (Repeat)

While going through old blog files, I found this post that I first published in October of 2013. I'm reposting it today (with a few very minor edits) because it's as timely now as it ever was ...

One of the shrill comments that has been echoing down the corridors of argument during the present manufactured government crisis is that we don't live in a democracy, but in a constitutional republic. While this is undoubtedly true, it's pointless for purposes of extracting us from the swamp in which our elected reprehensives have mired us. But it does give me a hook to find a little humor in the current tsunami of embarrassing government ineptitude.

I dug back into my humor files and found the transcript of a monologue on democracy delivered by the late, great Johnny Carson back in 1991.

I looked for a video of it on YouTube, but couldn't find anything other than the scrolling text with accompanying music ... I'd give a lot to see Carson actually delivering this again, because no one has ever been able to match his delivery ...

"What Democracy Means to Me"

by Johnny Carson

"To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the  fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means  anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can  be vice president.

"Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship - 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.

"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

"Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress.

"Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

"Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer*. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

"Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door, either. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television**, not good television, but free.

"Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

"Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

"And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

"I thank you."

I miss Johnny Carson.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* The reference is to the characters on the old "Our Gang/The Little Rascals" film series. I'm dating myself by knowing that.

** This hasn't aged very well, judging from the size of my cable TV bill.

Johnny Carson on Democracy

One of the shrill comments that has been echoing down the corridors of argument during the present manufactured government crisis is that we don't live in a democracy, but in a constitutional republic. While this is undoubtedly true, it's pointless for purposes of extracting us from the swamp in which our elected reprehensives have mired us. But it does give me a hook to find a little humor in the current tsunami of embarrassing government ineptitude.

I dug back into my humor files and found the transcript of a monologue on democracy delivered by the late, great Johnny Carson back in 1991.

I looked for a video of it on YouTube, but couldn't find anything other than the scrolling text with accompanying music ... I'd give a lot to see Carson actually delivering this again, because no one has ever been able to match his delivery ...

"What Democracy Means to Me"

by Johnny Carson

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the  fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means  anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can  be vice president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all  races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to  worship - 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting  adults. But I digress.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer*. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.

I miss Johnny Carson.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* The reference is to the characters on the old "Our Gang/The Little Rascals" film series. I'm dating myself by knowing that.

The Gettysburg Address

Today, November 19th, is the date on which Abraham Lincoln (the president, not the vampire hunter) delivered one of the most famous speeches in American history: the one we know today as The Gettysburg Address.

People who study effective public speaking still marvel at the brevity and power of The Gettysburg Address almost 150 years after Mr Lincoln delivered it on the cold, foggy morning of the dedication of the new national cemetery for those killed in the Battle of Gettysburg. The first speaker that day was famed orator Edward Everett, who gave a traditional oration that lasted more than two hours and often left his listeners in tears. He was followed by President Lincoln, who spoke for just over two minutes and was disappointed in his performance. He had finished his presentation and returned to his seat before many in the audience knew he'd even started to speak. The newspaper illustration reproduced above takes a bit of license with the actual recorded reaction.

After the event, Mr Everett told the President, "I wish that I could flatter myself that I had come as near to the central idea of the occasion in two hours as you did in two minutes." And indeed, Edward Everett's speech is little remembered today except as the prelude to the address in which Abraham Lincoln was so disappointed. If you're so inclined, you can read Mr Everett's address here. And this is the full text of Lincoln's speech ...

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth."

I love public speaking and I like to think I'm pretty good at it, but I know when I'm in the presence of greatness. Nobody in this country can give a speech like that any more.

But I wish they could, because we could surely use the inspiration.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Great Moments In Editing Returns Yet Again!

I know we just did this a week or so ago, but it's a good topic for mornings when I don't have a lot of time ... like today, when I have to finish preparing and packing up the 5 tons of oven-fried potatoes I made for this afternoon's holiday potluck hallway party at work. Yes, it's the return of Great Moments In Editing!

Read on, if you dare ...

You should always read the ads carefully before you buy a used vehicle ...

And ...

I think I went to the wrong school ...

Or maybe not ...

So, Ma'am, what was your first clue that your husband might be steppin' out on you ... ?

Some men have the knack of buying just the right gift for that special woman ...

Almost everything nowadays can be hazardous to your health ...

... especially dining at the wrong place ...

No, thanks, I'll take your word for it ...

And finally, ladies, if you need help with backing up your assets, I think I've found the right place ...

Oh, and in case you needed a reminder of what a group of principled statesmen and responsible adults we have in Congress, here's a quote from Ohio reprehensive Jim Jordan, described as "a leader of the House conservatives":

"Frankly, the fact that the president doesn't like it makes me like it even more."

You can read the entire miserable story here. You'd think that, with all the money it spends on elections, Corporate America would buy a better class of dumbass to serve its interests.

Have a good day. See you tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

"What Democracy Means to Me"

I was going through my old humor file this morning in search of bloggable material when I found this wonderful piece originally performed - according to my notes - by Johnny Carson on September 11, 1991. Here is his wonderful soliloquy titled, "What Democracy Means to Me" ...

"To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation.

"Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

"Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs ... away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.

"Democracy is having time set aside to worship -- 18 years if you're Jim Bakker*.

"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

"Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress.

"Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

"Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer**.

"Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

"Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.

"Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

"Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

"Democracy means no taxation without representation, and God knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

"And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head--this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

"I thank you."

Johnny Carson was a smart and funny guy. I miss him.

Today, think about what Democracy means to you. Or what the Republicans say it means to you, since ... after all ... they absolutely know what the American people want. The wealthy and well-connected American people, anyhow. You could also think about what it means to Democrats, except that they aren't organized enough to know themselves.

Oy.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Disgraced televangelist.

** For those of you not old enough to remember, those were some of the members of "Our Gang."

B.

The Devil's Letter to Pat Robertson

From the Department of Gee I Wish I'd Written That comes a masterpiece written by a lady in Minnesota. First, the backstory...

As I mentioned in the lead-in to yesterday's Cartoon Saturday, evangelist Pat Robertson suffered another dumbass attack this past week when he spoke of the terrible disaster in Haiti as God's punishment of the Haitians for making a "pact with the devil" to gain their freedom from colonization by the French. This, of course, is not the first example of Mr Robertson's tendency to blame the victims of a disaster for their plight...he has blamed former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon's stroke on his ceding of land to the Palestinians, and he said Americans brought the 9/11 attacks on themselves for banning school prayer and allowing abortion.

Such a nice fellow is Mr Robertson, eh?

Anyhow, a few days ago the Minneapolis Star-Tribune published a letter to Mr Robertson from Satan. Well, not really...the letter was actually written by a Minneapolis lady (a Minneapolitan?) named Lilly Coyle, Satan being far too busy in the Middle East to take the time to write it himself. This is the letter in full...don't read it with a mouth full of anything, because you'll make a mess...

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Now, in my humble opinion, this is the very best kind of satire...it takes aim at some ludicrous buffoon and delivers a spear of humor straight to the gut. Unfortunately, it's unlikely that someone like Mr Robertson will understand the humor or appreciate the truth...like the savagely intolerant mullahs of the Islamic world who can see things only through their darkly distorted prisms of the seventh century desert and blame all the world's ills on some imagined Great Satan (aka, America), neither the Robertsons nor the Islamists of the world will ever understand or embrace the real Christian message of love, charity, and forgiveness. And when someone like me writes something like that, you know there's some deep feeling there.

Have at it, Pat. Someone way south of here is keeping a seat warm for you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo