Friday, April 02, 2010

The Finer Points of Child Rearing

My fifth grandchild, Elise, is a week and a half old today, which causes reflections on being a grandparent. And on the whole subject of bringing up children.

As it happens, my friend Bob has sent me this interesting list, which I republish as a service to parents everywhere, old and new...the official Frequently-Asked Questions of Child Rearing:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common craving during pregnancy?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Don't thank me. It's all part of the service.

Oh, and by the way, this is Elise with her Opa:

There's no better way to improve your image than to have a cute grandchild.

Have a good day. Cartoon Saturday is coming.



John said...

good stuff...and a great pic, too.

Bandit said...

She's got some hair.

True story. We took my toddler son (now 32) in for a routine check up. Asking a series of routine questions my wife mentioned that he is always touching himself down there and will he out grow that. The doctor said yes when he's about 85.

Leslie David said...

Love the Q&A--makes me really glad I never had kids! You have very cute grandkids, so I guess you don't have any image problems. :)

craziequeen said...

Those are so true...... :-)

And I love the picture of Elise with her loving Opa, such a wonderful picture, Bilbo my dear :-)


Mike said...

'right after he finishes college.'

Or not. (finish college or move)

Cute (the little one)

Anonymous said...

Great pic Bilbo!


SusieQ said...

Nice picture of Opa and Elise.

Q&A had some funny stuff.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

A very wise Q&A there.

The Mistress of the Dark said...


Lovely picture. You've got a beautiful family Bilbo :)

Amanda said...

I'm looking forward to more photos of Elise! She's so cute bundled up there.