Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Ask Bilbo!

Yesterday, I invited you, Dear Readers, to submit your burning questions to ol' Uncle Bilbo. In a world and a time when you can't get a straight answer to anything - especially from anyone you've elected - there needs to be someone to whom you can go for the straight skinny, and it might as well be me.

Three of you submitted questions, and so let's get right to them ...

Faithful Reader Chrissy was first up, e-mailing me three questions:

Q: If you could live anywhere (money isn't a factor)...where would it be? Why?
A: Southern Germany. The landscape is beautiful, the food wonderful, the people friendly, and it's conveniently located for travel to Switzerland, Austria, France, and Italy. We're strongly considering retiring there when the time comes, although I'm not sure the $7.56 left in my retirement investment accounts will sustain us for long.

Q: If you could meet President Bush and Obama in a dark alley (nobody else around for miles)...what would you say to them?
A1: To President (George W) Bush: What the hell were you thinking when you started two wars, then cut taxes and borrowed the money to pay for them?
A2: To President Obama: When are you going to grow some cojones and start providing some leadership?

Q: If Cheney was to suddenly become a Drag Queen...what would his/her stage name be?
A: Dickless Cheney, of course.

Mike (of course) was the next person to send questions...he had five:

Q: What is pi squared?
A: Sheet cake (this was actually Agnes's answer, which I liked better than my own).

Q: I've gotten bored with the word verification game. Why?
A: Because you keep losing?

Q: What kind of drugs has Agnes been on all these years to put up with you? I want some.
A: The drugs don't work any more. These days, she's into auto hypnosis and extreme denial.

Q: How can the great Biblo (I think he means Bilbo) run out of words? I've always thought of you as a quantitative verbologist.
A: I never run out of words, just ideas. If I need new words, I just make 'em up. And "quantitative verbologist" sounds so much better than "overly wordy."

Q: Do you want to join my new political party, the conservative socialist independents?
A: Only if I can be in charge of publicly hanging morons.

The last set of questions was submitted by alanwoodhaven, who wanted to know ...

Q: You always have great comics on Saturday. What are your usual sources? How large a collection do you have in your files just waiting for their chance to shine?
A1: The usual sources? - I find new cartoons every day in various places on the Internet, including various newspapers and magazines and the marvelous I also scan cartoons I find in various hard-copy media, and many are e-mailed to me by friends who spot them and think I'd like them (I accept all contributions at bilbo_the_blogger(at)yahoo(dot)com).
A2: How large a collection? - I have about 2700 in my "new and unused" file, and another 1100 in the "already used" folder. I also have about 500 in various "specialized cartoon" files, which include topics like "clowns," "dogs," "lawyers," "GPS," and "penguins."

Q: What's the speed of light?
A: The speed of light, often referred to in equations as c, is considered an absolute physical constant, and can be expressed in several ways, including:

- 186,000 miles per second;
- 700,000,000 miles per hour; and,
- 299,792,458 meters per second.

The speed of light is also considerably faster than the speed of sound, which is why you see the lightning before you hear the thunder, and why a lot of people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Well, there you have it - straight answers to your questions from your old buddy Bilbo. If you have any other questions, put them into the comments or e-mail them to bilbo_the_blogger(at)yahoo(dot)com, and I'll answer them in future "Ask Bilbo" posts.

After all, if you can't trust Bilbo, who can you trust?

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



Amanda said...

After a week away from the internet (most of the time) I almost didn't get to ask :

Is Agnes your only dance partner and do you ever get into arguments over the dancing?

I'm asking this because I'd love to get Richard dancing but I'm afraid I might end up strangling him.

chrissy said...

Great answers!!
Never been to germany....maybe I should plan a trip there! Sounds great. Haa....dickless cheney. Yes....that works.
You crack me up. A great way to start the day

John said...

Bilbo and Mike or Mike and Bilbo -- Conservative Socialist Independent Presidential Candidates.

I like it!

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I'd vote for you and mike!

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I want to retire - if I can - to any country with health care and good food and wine. Any ideas?
prefer English but I guess hand gestures could work. :-)

Duckbutt said...

Do you know why Baptists are so down on people making love while standing?

Bilbo said...

Amanda and Duckbutt: your answers coming tomorrow!

Chrissy, John, & Andrea: thanks!!

Peg: You pretty much take your chances any more, but Germany is looking good to us. If nothing else, it's far away from the Tea Party.

Dave Hess said...

FYI, at today's exchange rate, your $7.56 will get you exactly 5.12 euros, which is just about enough for a bus ride downtown and back. Better stock up that retirement account.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Sorry to missed yesterday. I would have loved to have asked one.

Mike said...

Sheet cake! Agnes is pretty smart. She wound up with you how again?

Bilbo said...

Jean Luc - go ahead and send one have reader seniority rights!

Mike - She doesn't take sheet from anyone.