Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't for the Movies

As we grow older, we learn our lessons from many sources - our parents, our friends, our enemies, and ... oddly enough ... the movies. I don't remember if I've ever pulled this out of my humor file before, but it seemed appropriate for a day (hell, week) when most of the news is generally bad. Here is a list of things you'd never know if it weren't for the movies ...

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

Anyone can land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk him down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German official, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All single women have at least one cat.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

The Chief of Police will always either suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to find the real killer.
Corollary: A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon - then look in your bathroom mirror and he will suddenly appear behind you.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth, and medieval women always had cleanly shaven legs and underarms.
Corollary: In the Middle Ages, long before sunbathing became fashionable, men and women already had tan lines and white bottoms.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

A person being pursued will always stop and throw something at the person chasing them - even though it takes three times longer to stop and throw the objects than it does for the person chasing to duck or jump over them.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Newborn babies can babble, crawl and hold their heads steady.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

When looking through binoculars, you will always see everything through a figure-eight shape.

One of every pair of identical twins is born evil.

In the event of a car chase, there will be two men carrying a large pane of glass through the streets. Someone will drive through it.
Corollary: If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

Make-up can safely be worn to bed without fear of smudging.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.

A gang of highly-trained terrorists will always separate and search for an intruder on their own - so they can be killed one by one.

If trying to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become either prostitutes or welders.
Corollary #1: A high class stripper with a heart of gold can operate most heavy machinery.
Corollary #2: If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in nuclear fission at age 22.

If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you will be able to get to the street quicker than he can by running down the stairs.

The person you trust most at work is probably the one who is trying to kill you.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in strange accidents.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn off the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly blurred.

Dogs always know who's bad, and will bark at them.

A person knocked unconscious by a blow to the head will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause amnesia.

If you think there is an intruder in your house, your cat will choose the precise moment to leap out at you from inside a cupboard.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, there and then.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
Corollary: Megalomaniacs intent on world domination won't be able to resist telling their arch nemesis every detail of their evil plans.

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
Corollary: If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

That's my list. Do you have any other lessons from the movies? Add a comment.

Have a good day. Go to the movies, where they have air conditioning. More thoughts tomorrow.



eViL pOp TaRt said...

A very complete and absolutely funny list, also!

When space aliens visit Earth,. they're either bent on world domination or willing to share secrets with us. No movie, to my knowledge, had aliens come to Earth and conclude that the dominant life form there is the automobile.

Amanda said...

That is a looooong list! See how educational TV really is?

MacGyver reruns would probably be able to add quite a bit more to this list. I should go watch those and report back.

Mike said...

We watched a movie last night where many of these were true.

Big Sky Heidi said...

It's easier to get French bread in the movies than in some burgs.

Duckbutt said...

Every copy in movies is a rebel against the system; or someone higher in authority has it in for him.

Prostitutes invariably have hearts of gold.

Frat boys are boisterous antiintellectual slowns, and sorority girls are stuckup bitches.

Professors are either absent-minded or secret agents as a sideline.

Pat said...

Love this list. I think I've seen at least one movie to go with each of these statements.

The one about anyone being able to land a plane is actually true though, the Mythbusters proved it. ;)

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

A really comprehensive list. You must love your movies!