Timmy Writes to Santa

I feel as if I should write something profound and erudite after the horrifying events of the past week, but I just can't do it right now. While I try to get back in touch with my inner curmudgeon, why not enjoy this Christmas season exchange of letters between Timmy and Santa, intercepted in transit by my friend Bob ...

Timmy Writes to Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

*****

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

*****

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones

*****

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

*****

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

*****

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny gangbanger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake." Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your crap wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up all those bags of chips and two-liter bottles of soda you've been downing all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

*****

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

*****

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you greedy little bastard.

Santa

*****

Now I, as it happens, have been very good this past year. Just ask Agnes. Or maybe not. Forget I brought it up.

Have a good day. Be safe and love each other. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.S. - The voting for Ass Clown of the Year is off to a slow start this year. So far, the results indicate a tie for first place. Here's how it looks to date:

The Democratic Party - 1 vote

The GOP - 1 vote

Congress - 1 vote

People Who Don't Vote - 1 vote (my friend Vicki was pretty passionate about this one)

There's still time to cast your vote(s) for your favorite deserving Ass Clown. Balloting closes at 11:59PM on December 31^st, and the results will be announced on January 1^st, 2013. Let your voice be heard - legions of highly-paid attorneys are standing by to make sure of that while bringing the nation's business to a standstill. Or not ... I think they're too late.

B.