Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Bovine Political Idologies


There are a lot of political ideologies out there ... so many, in fact, that there's an entire field of study called "political science" dedicated to helping us sort them all out. Most of us never could really understand the differences among them, though, and political scientists are really no help ... as you know if you've ever choked on the dust that arose when you read any political science books.

Fortunately, there are some alternative approaches to understanding the various political orientations. I think I may have posted a variation on this a few years ago, but yesterday I received a new version from Katherine, who blogs over at Purple Flowers ... it's a true classic. Welcome to Economic and Political Theory 101 ... with a few of my tweaks added, of course ...

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

TRADITIONAL RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

MODERN RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You pay the Mafia to keep them from killing your cows, and sell the milk to an oligarch who pays you what he thinks is fair. You pay the Mafia a percentage of what the oligarch paid you.

MODERN CHINESE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government redraws the map of Asia to obtain additional land so they will have plenty of room to graze.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk, but the party that's out of power refuses to let the ruling party distribute any milk unless the Affordable Care Act is repealed. The milk spoils.

ISLAMIC THEOCRACY: If you have two cows, it is Allah's will.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Thanks to Katherine for the idea. Hope this has helped you understand modern politics ... it makes as much sense as anything else.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

5 comments:

Mike said...

Do I get to keep the harmonica?

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Do I HAVE to milk the cows?

Bilbo said...

Mike - only if you promise not to play it.

Angel - It's not as hard or yucky as you may think.

Big Sky Heidi said...

As Bart Simpson would say, "Don't have a cow, man!"


Was Bart a Communist?

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Angel, a guy will show you how.