Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Men's Rest Room Etiquette

You ladies may not be interested in this particular post, unless you find fascination in the behavior of men in relation to each other. If you want to come back tomorrow, that's okay.

Men learn at an early age that there's a particular etiquette to using a public restroom, because the urinal you choose can send a message, one that you may not necessarily want to send.

Men may go to the restroom at the same time, but they will never use adjoining urinals. Ever. They will always ensure that there is at least one vacant urinal between them. The only exception comes when the restroom is crowded and the only available urinals are between urinals already occupied by other men doing their thing ... in this case, and this case only, it is considered acceptable to use a urinal right next to another man. There are probably several reasons for this behavior.

One theory posits that it's because most men have a built-in aversion to getting "too close" to other men. Nowadays, of course, when it is considered socially acceptable to be gay, this theory is less widely held.

A second theory, probably more accurate, is that a man automatically suspects that someone standing too close while performing restroom functions is surreptitiously comparing the dimensions of their respective manly hydraulics. This theory is supported by the fact that modesty panels are generally installed between urinals.

Whatever the reason, there is a traditional set of unwritten rules on where a man should stand in a public restroom in relation to other men. As part of my ongoing campaign to help you cope with this bizarre world in which we live, I offer my male readers this helpful chart which summarizes the various options available to you for selecting the appropriate urinal. This chart assumes the presence of two or three men in the restroom and varying numbers of urinals ... you can extrapolate for varying numbers of gentlemen and urinals using the basic guidelines provided. Should one or more urinals be out of order, use your best judgement and avoid unnecessary eye contact with your neighbor.

You should also note that these guidelines may be waived in the event of a beer-fueled emergency, in which case the old "any port in a storm" adage applies.

No need to thank me. It's all part of the service.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



eViL pOp TaRt said...

An insight into male behavior. Apparently guys like a modicum of privacy for those comfort stops.

Why don't they get to have stalls?

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

You men are an odd bunch aren't ya?

Bilbo said...

Angel - we do have stalls, but those are usually reserved for those who need to carry on quasi-private conversations with their girlfriends on their cell phones.

Peg - Yes, we are. But we'd be less interesting if we weren't. Did you ever hear Bill Cosby's old routine about how women go to the restroom together? It's hysterical: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4gHB3QO6pc

KathyA said...

Thank you, Bill. This has really made quite a difference in my life.

Bilbo said...

I'm here to help!

Mike said...

I think the threat of the nongay being accused makes the separation even more imperative least some toe touching happen.

Duckbutt said...

I think a lot of guys spread out to avoid splatter.

Brandi said...

Don't tey have to talk loud to hear each other?

The Mistress of the Dark said...