Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Terrible Curses

One of the staples of horror fiction is the Terrible Curse, of which there are many sorts. You may recall Steven King's novel Thinner, or the terrifying short story "Lukundoo" by Edward Lucas White just to name two classic examples. The basic story is always the same: someone (the cursee) does something bad to the curser (not the cursor, that's another story), and the curser brings down some horrific revenge.

There are lots of types of curses to be found in literature and in the real world, but one of the worst that can be inflicted upon anyone is a curse about which my friend and fellow blogger Peggy has already written ... I refer, of course, to the Curse of Glitter. For those of you who haven't read Peggy's post, or are too lazy to go there and do it, she writes about a hysterically funny website* called ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com, which offers - for a mere 9.99 in Australian Dollars - to ship an envelope full of glitter to your enemies, no matter where in the world they might hide.

Now, you might think that an envelope full of glitter isn't much of a curse. But if you think that, then you clearly have no idea what mind-boggling havoc an envelope full of glitter will wreak upon your life and environment. You will never be rid of it once it escapes the envelope. It will be in your clothes, your hair, your carpets and furniture, and the innards of all your electronics forever. Thousands of years in the future, archaeologists excavating your grave or the site of your home will find themselves infested with the glitter that has lain dormant for all that time, patiently waiting for a new victim.

As I wrote in my comment to Peggy's post, I have considerable personal experience at being cursed by glitter.

Our granddaughters have lots of princess costumes that consist of a yard or two of cheap fabric and sixteen pounds of glitter that shower everywhere every time they move. They also have do-it-yourself tattoo kits which include glitter tattoos that take years to wear off the skin of hapless grandparents**. And glitter, for whatever reason, seems to be a primary component of every toy manufactured for young girls

If you are a man who is into ballroom dancing, you will also find yourself subject to the Curse of Glitter. Someone for whom Dante should have designated a specific circle of Hell once invented "Body Glitter," which many ladies sprinkle liberally on their exposed arms, shoulders, and backs so that they will sparkle beguilingly under the spotlights on the dance floor. Of course, that glitter immediately migrates to the nearest black tuxedo, where it will remain until the sun goes nova, no matter how many times you send it to the dry cleaners. Trust me ... it is embarrassing to wear your tuxedo to a formal dinner on another occasion and have people stare at you because you are glittering.

Given a choice of curses between being strangled in a cesspool by a rotting corpse, or receiving an envelope full of glitter in the mail, I think I'll happily dive into the cesspool.

Have a good day. Keep your %@#! glitter.

More thoughts tomorrow.


* Well, funny if you're not the one being glittered.

** And result in great fun and merriment at work, let me tell you.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

Wow! I had no idea glitter wreaked such havoc! Maybe the Air Force could put it into combs for ISIS.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

I meant bombs! But if the ISIS clowns ever comb their hair to look spiffy, we got it made!

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Bill I heard the site was so busy after the ad that they had to stop taking orders. Guess a lot of people feel like you and hate glitter and others really want to bug the @#$! out of them. :-)

Linda Kay said...

I've noticed it sometimes when I wore something a bit cheap and the glitter came off...but never thought of it as a curse. Very interesting idea.

Duckbutt said...

Glitter is a real curse. Great idea for one!

allenwoodhaven said...

It's not a new thought, but a coworker calls glitter "the herpes of arts and crafts". I couldn't agree more. When I taught kids, one of my rules was no glitter - ever.

Mike said...

Now I have a true motivation to write you your long overdue letter.