The GOP Replacement for Obamacare*

You will recall that Der Furor and the Republican Party have for years been desperate to get rid of the successful and popular Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare). Der Furor was famous during his first term for repeatedly saying that a better, cheaper alternative was just two weeks away, and during the recent presidential campaign he memorably claimed not that he had a replacement plan, but rather "the concepts of a plan."

Well, as it turns out, I have learned that the GOP's Obamacare replacement plan actually exists, and I have obtained a copy! 

The new plan was drafted by a staff of noted medical experts under the direction of esteemed medical professional Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, assisted by Doctors Oz, Who, Kevorkian, Fu Manchu, Doom, and Demento; highlights include:

- Copies of the Bible (Trump edition only) will be used as guidance for proper nutrition, hygiene, and appropriate sexual behavior; each insured patient must purchase a separate copy when signing up for coverage.

- Abortions are strictly forbidden unless to protect the life and reputation of the father.

- The only approved form of birth control will consist of poster-sized photographs of angrily-frowning nuns prominently posted in each bedroom and (in Red states) classroom from kindergarten through university.

- Patients requiring anesthesia will be offered three choices: a shot of whiskey (bar brands only), a bullet to bite on (no larger than .22 caliber), or a Louisville Slugger to the head.

- Annual breast exams for women will be scheduled during non-peak hours at the nearest Hooters.

- Reconditioned dialysis machines previously used at Jiffy Lube are authorized for low-income patients.

- Second opinions on diagnoses will be reached by multiplying the the initial treatment estimate by 0.50. Insurance payments will be based on the lower number.

- Lower-cost alternative treatments must be exhausted before more expensive ones are considered.

- Annual vision exams consist of counting the patient's number of eyes. If the number is two, the patient passes. If the number equals one, the patient's vision is considered adequate. If the number equals zero, it's a pre-existing condition not covered by insurance.

- Rectal thermometers may be reused if sanitized by wiping them with wadded newspaper.

- The standard initial treatment for all medical complaints is, "Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

- Generic drugs will be used to treat generic diseases.

- Voodoo practitioners may be licensed to provide injections approved as a course of treatment.

- Dentists will be required to fill cavities with spackling compound; dental x-rays will be replaced by charcoal sketches.

- Medical imaging consists of the doctor carefully photographing the patient with a Kodak Brownie. X-rays, when prescribed, will be performed by physician assistants using X-ray specs.

- Cat Scans will be conducted with real cats (feral alley cats for low-income patients).

- Tongue depressors are no longer required to be free of Fudgesicle traces before use.

- Well-baby care consists of a doctor conducting a visual examination and certifying that "well, it's a baby."

- Radiation treatment for cancer patients consists of one-way tickets (coach class) to Chernobyl or Fukushima (insurance company's option).

The plan also contains a detailed fee structure for calculating the cost of care:

You voted for it, you've got it - the Obamacare Replacement Plan! In summary, it says,

Don't get sick. If you do, die soon.

Good luck.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* This is an update of a post I wrote and published in 2011, in case you'd forgotten how far back GOP opposition to quality, affordable health care goes.

P.S. - We began the annual Ass Clown of the Year voting on Tuesday, and the results are coming in. So far, this is how it looks: 

The American Electorate is in the lead, with 1150 votes;

Elon Musk is in second place, with 700 votes; and,

Stephen Cheung is in third place, with 150 votes.

Let's keep it up, folks! Your vote counts, so vote early, vote often, and let your favorite Ass Clowns know what you think! Voting ends at midnight on December 31st.