Why I Hate Yogurt

Well, I actually don't hate yogurt ... what I hate is shopping for yogurt.

Last Sunday I decided to make a recipe which required plain, whole-milk yogurt as an ingredient.

At my local store I discovered that - although there are acres of shelf space filled with yogurt - there's almost no such thing as plain, whole-milk yogurt.

There's non-fat, low-fat, 0%, 2%, and 4% yogurt.

There's yogurt with vanilla, blueberry, strawberry, peach, guava, and every combination thereof.

There's yogurt made from cow, sheep, and goat milk.

There's yogurt derived from almonds, soy milk, coconut milk, and other stuff.

There's Greek, Icelandic, and Australian yogurt.

There's drinkable yogurt (Kefir).

All flavored yogurts may be purchased in single-serving cups or in small packages of a pint or so, but if you want plain, old, whole-milk yogurt, it comes only in single-servings (very difficult to find), quarts, or 55-gallon drums.

I just needed a couple of spoonfuls of plain, whole-milk yogurt ... is that too much to ask?

Evidently, it is. And it's not good for my blood pressure, either, which is another issue entirely.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Worms to the Rescue!

If there's any member of the animal kingdom that gets no respect, it's the lowly worm. Always underfoot, wriggling in the dirt, fit only to grace the fisherman's hook, the worm lives his short and brutish life without much more notice from us than a disgusted yuck! when he's found in the wrong place ... which tends to be just about anywhere.

But you may want to start treating worms with a bit more respect in the future, because it seems that they ... or one species of them, anyway ... may help save us from ourselves.

I ran across this interesting article the other day: Plastic-Eating Mealworms Could Help Reduce Landfill Waste.

Yes, Dear Readers, it seems that a scientific study* has concluded the lowly mealworm (or, to use his formal name, tenebrio molitor linnaeus) has gut bacteria which can break down and feast on various plastics like styrofoam and other polystyrenes, turning them into carbon dioxide and biodegradable droppings. You can read an abstract and download the full study here if you're so inclined ... and here's a picture of the hungry little heroes feasting on some of the millions of tons of waste plastic that would otherwise be with us for tens of thousands of years, being otherwise not biodegradable ...

Tests are still going on to determine whether the worms will remain healthy in the long term, and whether their ... poop ... is safe enough for use in growing crops, but so far the results appear to be positive.

I don't know about you, but I think this is pretty amazing. Who would have thought that common mealworms might be able to save us from one of our looming environmental disasters? And if we can find such valuable uses for mealworms, what might we be able to do with other worms ... candidates for political office, for instance? Right now, they consume vast amounts of cash and turn it into annoying campaign ads and hot air ... but might they be trained to make themselves useful by eating various waste materials ... like the hundreds of thousands of leftover campaign signs that litter the landscape after every election?

The possibilities are endless.

Have a good day. Treat those worms with respect, why don't you? Someday you might want to vote for one.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I know this won't mean much to Republicans, but just humor me and read on, anyway.

Better Sex Through Arugula

First of all, following up on yesterday's post in which I asked for opinions on whether I should participate in Mustache March, here are the results: the majority of you who voiced an opinion thought that I should go ahead and grow the 'stache. Agnes voted against. Sorry, Dear Readers ... you lose. Nevertheless, I will virtually participate in Mustache March by using the photoshopped image that Agnes created for me on my blog and on Facebook during the month:*

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about something more interesting. Aphrodisiacs.

Yes, I thought that might get your attention.

Yesterday I ran across this interesting article in Time Magazine online: Seven Foods for Better Sex. Forget the South Beach Diet, the Atkins Diet, the Imperial Diet, and the Diet of Worms ... this is a diet I can get into. In case you don't want to read the whole article, these are the seven foods that are, for various reasons generally involving vitamin and mineral content, conducive to better dancing the horizontal tango:

Avocados;

Almonds;

Strawberries;

Seafood;

Arugula;

Figs; and

Citrus Fruits.

Now, given the fact that I absolutely love everything on the list (well, Arugula is okay, but I prefer butter lettuce), you'd think that my sex life would have Hugh Hefner calling me for advice. Sadly, it isn't so, but diet can only compensate so much for looks, personality, and an overly modest bank account. Such is life.

I wonder why daikon radishes didn't make the list ...

They should have a place on the list if only for phallic imagery.

As for me, I'm waiting for the updated list that includes Reuben Sandwiches, french fries, butter pecan ice cream, and medium-rare steaks topped with sautéed mushrooms and onions and washed down with a nice Cabernet Sauvignon. Unfortunately, I think I'll be waiting a while for that one.

Have a good day. Eat healthy, and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Oh, and you can probably forget about Novembeard this year, too.

For Your Observational Dining Pleasure

From the Department of I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up comes this latest trend from South Korea: paying to watch a pretty girl eat.

Yes, Dear Readers, online sites known as muk-bang (literally, eating rooms) offer streaming video of people - often attractive young women - eating huge meals while chatting with their audience. One of the stars of the muk-bangs is Park Seo-Yeon, a 33-year-old woman known as "The Diva."

According to the article, Ms Park is "... apparently blessed with the stomach capacity of several elephants and the metabolism of a hummingbird," which would be necessary in order to consume her enormous meals: over a period of a few hours each night, she easily plows through four large pizzas or three kilograms (6 lb) of beef in a single sitting.

If you don't like to eat alone, the Food Network is too tame for you, and the various "reality TV" shows aren't floating your gustatory boat, you may be glad to know that Afreeca TV, the service which carries the muk-bang channels (about 250 of them, more or less), has plans to expand to countries beyond South Korea.

Bon appetit!

Have a good day. Clean your plate ... there are professional muk-bang diners in Korea who need that food.

See you tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

Feeding Time at the Circus

You will recall, Dear Readers, that Agnes's cousin Bernadette and Bernadette's husband Richard have been our house guests for the last three weeks. They will leave tomorrow, having learned many amazing things about living in the US ... not the least of which is the amazing variety of goods and the impossibly low prices (by European standards and at the current dismal rate of exchange for the dollar against the euro) at Costco. Yesterday afternoon Bernadette packed a large box to mail home with all the things they've bought that didn't fit into the big suitcase, which they also bought.

One of the things we've tried to do while they were here, in addition to all the touristy stuff that I've already reported here, is to convince them that it is possible to find really good food in America ... not just the McDonald's hamburgers that are the European stereotype of American haute cuisine*. Before they arrived, Agnes sat down and carefully made up a detailed list of the things we were going to cook for them, and the places to which we would take them where they could enjoy things other than hamburgers. In addition to my famous Baked Macaroni and Cheese, we made them our delicious Grilled Catfish with Fresh Corn Relish, Stir-Fried Hunan Beef with Red Peppers**, Grilled Castillian Chicken with Bean Salad, my Sausage-Stuffed, Molasses-Glazed Acorn Squash, and even "Surf and Turf" ...

We also took them to more-or-less traditionally American-style restaurants like Mike's American Grill***, the Bonefish Grill, and the Korean Grill⁺.

Last night, the plan was for us to make my absolute, all-time favorite meal: Corned Beef and Cabbage. Of course, this is not the "traditional" version of the recipe, in which the cabbage is cut in wedges, chunks of carrot and potato are thrown in, and the whole is boiled into a tasteless pink mess ... this is our version, in which the brisket is baked low and slow in the oven, the cabbage is Agnes's wonderful Bavarian-style Cabbage, and it's served with garlic mashed potatoes. It's what she makes me for my birthday and other special occasions when fall rolls around and the nights are getting colder. Yum!

Unfortunately, we had to go to Plan B, because - until I went out to the auxiliary refrigerator in the garage at 2:00 PM to get the meat - I didn't realize that Agnes had bought a brisket cut from Babe the Blue Ox. It was a staggering 6.99 pounds, which, with a minimum baking time of an hour per pound, would have us dining sometime after 9:00 PM - well past the bedtime of us high-powered swingers.

So ...

Plan B was to go ahead and flip to the Last-Dinner-In-Virginia menu, originally intended for this evening - grilled steaks and Agnes's marvelous julienned jicama and carrot salad.

Unfortunately, when we began cooking, we found we had to go to Plan C because when Agnes cut into the jicamas she'd bought at the local market, she found them to be dried out and mealy. Okay, she decided, instead we'd make the excellent fatoush salad she learned to make in the local Lebanese cooking class, since we already had many of the ingredients. She put Bernadette and I to work slicing vegetables while she raced to the local supermarket for the other things we needed.

Bernadette and I hunched over our cutting boards with knives flying and had successfully generated the required amounts of onions, tomatoes, and red peppers when the phone rang. It was Agnes, calling to tell us that she'd decided to go to Plan D ... involving the much simpler mixed green salad, corn on the cob, and french fries to go with the steaks.

Hmmm...

Well, as things turned out it was an excellent dinner. The carefully-cut onions, tomatoes, and red peppers ended up in the mixed green salad, the steaks were grilled to perfection, and the corn on the cob was sweet and cooked just right. I think we've successfully proved to Richard and Bernadette that Americans do, in fact, eat things other than McDonald's hamburgers⁺⁺.

And we're having the Corned Beef and Cabbage tonight ... I plan to put the brisket in the over right after breakfast!

Have a good day. Eat well. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* See, Angel, I know some French!

** Okay, it's Chinese ... give me a break, here.

*** I love their slogan: "Be Nice or Get Out."

⁺ Oops.

⁺⁺ Although I must tell you that I'm very fond of the "Angry Whopper" at Burger King.

In Search of Culinary Excellence to Help Forget Everything Else

First of all, let's have a nice, disdainful round of applause for our spineless Senate, which has ignored the desires of more than 90% of the American people and voted down expanded requirements for background checks on gun purchases. You can read who was intimidated by the gun lobby here.

Then a twenty-one-gun salute* for the evil bastards that murdered three people in cold blood while injuring nearly 200 more at the Boston Marathon. I'm sure that when these cowardly insects are finally brought to justice (and they will be), they will have some pious, high-falutin' excuse for this monstrous act, probably wrapped in twisted political or religious justification**.

And speaking of annoying insects, how about a shout to Kim Jong-un, who would be like a toddler going through the terrible twos except that most toddlers don't have the ability to murder tens of thousands of people when they throw their tantrums.

But enough of the bad news. Let's talk about fine dining.

Back at the old homestead many years ago, my brother Mark used to enjoy sitting in front of the heating vent in the living room, wrapped in blankets and eating mustard, pickle and salt sandwiches***. I'm sure he would enjoy the latest culinary masterpiece that you, too, can serve to your family and honored guests: the French Toast Reuben Nutella Elvis Sandwich ...

Yes, Dear Readers, from John Farrier's "Don't Eat That, John!" blog at Neatorama comes this amazing variation on the classic Dagwood Sandwich. To make one, you will need:

3 eggs beaten with 1/4 cup of milk;
2 slices of French bread dipped in the egg-milk mix;
2 slices of rye bread dipped in the egg-milk mix;
2 strips of bacon;
1 ounce of sliced banana;
1/4 cup of Nutella;
1/4 cup of creamy peanut butter;
4 1/4-inch thick slices of corned beef;
1 tablespoon of Thousand Island salad dressing;
1/3 cup of sauerkraut; and,
2 slices of Swiss cheese

Mike, feel free to use more bacon ... I'm sure two slices won't be enough.

Complete preparation instructions, with step-by-step pictures, can be found at the link above. If you decide to try it, and survive the massive heart attack, let me know how it turns out.

And keep the victims of Aurora, Sandy Hook, Boston, and all the other vicious murders in your hearts. 

If writing about inedible sandwiches seems out of place at a time of such horror, remember that we laugh when we can't cry.

Have a good day, and come back for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

* Preferably aimed at their heads.

** What we used to call "bullshit" in more rational times.

**Yes, really.