Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I spend so much time railing about how dumb and insipid the current political race is that I often forget there are other vast wellsprings of stupidity begging for attention. Yesterday CNN reported the arrest of two brilliant criminal masterminds in New York who tried to cash a check made out to one of their friends. The inconvenient fact that their friend was dead didn't slow these geniuses down: they propped him up in a desk chair and wheeled him down to a local check cashing establishment in case anyone questioned their attempt to cash his check.

According to the CNN report, the men left the body of Virgilio Cintron (in the chair) outside the store, went inside and tried to cash the check. The clerk, who knew the dead man, asked the men where he was, and one of the men said he would go and get him, according to police.

As luck would have it, a police detective was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store, noticed a crowd forming around the seated body, and quickly realized the individual was dead.

The two would-be check cashers are now guests of the NYPD, charged with check fraud.

But the story gets better!

The last paragraph of the story says - and I quote - " A call to a telephone number listed for Cintron at the apartment he shared with O'Hare (one of the would-be check cashers) went unanswered Tuesday evening."

Hmmm....

Mr Cintron is dead. Mr O'Hare is in jail. Who was supposed to have answered the phone?

Inquiring minds want to know.

On other topics, I'm always gratified to read the comments readers leave on my blog. Some are interesting and thought-provoking, some are fun, and some seize on my random thoughts as an opportunity for entrepreneurial enterprise: yesterday, reader Mike commented that "I charge a $25.00 fee for comments and my interest rate is a low, low 2% (per day) (compounded per minute) (with a daily late fee of $50) (payable in cash)." At rates like those, I may have to finally break down and let Blogger put ads on my space.

Mike, you can call my hotline at 1-800-HAR-D-HAR. Nice try, though.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Fine Print and Low Lights

It often happens that people have to give you information that they know will upset or enrage you or, perhaps, if you are a customer, cause you to take your business elsewhere (assuming you have a choice).

This is why we have fine print and low lights.

When was the last time one of your credit card issuers printed in huge letters on the face of your bill a message like: "WE ARE GOING TO RAISE YOUR ANNUAL PERCENTAGE RATE TO 24.99%, EFFECTIVE JULY 1ST!"? Never, of course. They'd rather you just mechanically opened the envelope, looked at the minimum payment due, and wrote the check, without thinking about how badly you're getting screwed. They are required by law to notify you of these changes, but they'd rather do it without attracting your attention...thus, the practice of stuffing your bill with assorted flyers and multi-page handouts printed in 0.007-pitch Times New Roman in which the unpleasant news is buried at paragraph 4.7a(2)(g) and written in a combination of pidgin Sanskrit and Old Church Slavonic. You can't say they didn't tell you.

Agnes takes a bit different view of this, as she works in a credit union and often has to absorb the outrage of people who suddenly realize that they have to pay some new or increased fee they hadn't expected. When we talked about this the other day, she pointed out that when people open new accounts, they're provided with detailed lists of fees and rates, and new fees and rates are announced in the flyers mailed to members with their monthly statements. "What else would you have us do?", she asked. My suggestion, to put the bad news in large type on the face of the bills or statements (as in my example above), went over like a transatlantic rowboat. I think we've agreed to disagree on this one.

Marriage documents are another example of pernicious fine print. I didn't realize that I was agreeing to chop all the onions and garlic, walk the dog in the rain, kill large insects, take out the garbage in howling gales, and perform other duties as assigned. It was all in the fine print. Of course, my fine print was in legal German as well, but I was warned.

Restaurants do the same thing, but they use a little different tactic - they turn down the lights so you can't quite see the prices on the menu. You probably thought the low lights were meant to enhance the romantic atmosphere, but you were wrong. They use other tactics as well: one is the use of a simple number for the price - "14" instead of "$13.99." Another is overwhelming you with words: "Thirteen Dollars and Ninety-Nine Cents" instead of "$13.99." A third is to appeal to your sense of the exotic: for instance, charging you $5.95 for a side order of green beans by calling them "haricots verts."

Fine print. You can't leave home without it. You can't hide at home and avoid it, either. That's why God made magnifying glasses.

And obscure, elderly professors can make a living teaching Sanskrit and Old Church Slavonic.

Have a good day. Nothing hidden in the fine print here.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Debates?

Last evening while fixing dinner, I listened to NPR's broadcast of the Republican and Democratic candidates "debates" from New Hampshire. If you need something good for a headache, that was it ... although why you would want a headache, I don't know.

Debates. Not.

I suppose I'm just old-fashioned, but what I heard last night - and what I've heard any number of times since this presidential campaign began - wasn't a debate. My trusty Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines debate as "a contention by words or arguments: as a: the formal discussion of a motion before a deliberative body according to the rules of parliamentary procedure; b: a regulated discussion of a proposition between two matched sides."

In those terms, what I suffered through last night wasn't a debate. It was two unwieldy groups of opinionated individuals shooting volleys of statistics and accusations at each other. If there was a genuine debate ... a detailed discussion of policy differences and approaches to the future, I must have missed it. The general course of this "debate," and all the others this election season, seemed to be this:

1. The moderator asks a question.

2. The first candidate says whatever he or she wants, whether it relates to the question or not.

3. The other candidates tell him or her how clearly unfit for election he or she is, using volleys of statistics, half-truths, and general bloviation.

4. Everyone shouts at everyone else for a while while the moderator tries to reestablish control.

5. The moderator asks another question.

6. Steps 2-4 are repeated ad nauseum.

I remember the good old days, when a debate was a debate. We've come a long way from the days of Lincoln versus Douglas and Kennedy versus Nixon. Part of the problem is a format that provides equal time to a thundering herd of candidates, most of whom have no realistic chance of being elected. In a misguided attempt to be "fair" to all the candidates, we have lost the ability to have the kind of thorough, detailed discussion - real debate - that the electorate needs to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Or, this year, the chaff from the other chaff.

Ah, for the good old days, when a debate was a debate. Nowadays, it's just what you use to catch de fish.

Sorry about that.

And sorry about the current herd of candidates. Maybe things will look better once we've thinned the herd down to two.

But somehow, I doubt it.

According to the US Census Bureau's population clock, at this moment the population of the United States is 303,193,217. Even if we take out all the illegal aliens, that's still a pretty big number.

You'd think that out of roughly 300 million people, we could come up with better candidates than these.

Maybe next time.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

When Insults Had Class

I enjoy insults. Not just any insults, but good insults, well-thought out and delivered with panache and impeccable timing. Nowadays, sadly, insults seem to fall into two categories:

1. Crude and without class, as in: "#$%! you!"

2. Just plain dumb, as in: "Your mother wears army boots!" This one is, of course, not so funny any more, now that so much of the Reserves and National Guard has been called to the war and all too many mothers actually do wear army boots.

There was a time when people were literate and well-educated, when they could still turn a good phrase and deliver a stinging insult that was both clever and deadly. My mother used to say that people who used foul language did so because they weren't smart enough to say anything better. I tend to agree with her, although I have to admit to using the occasional earthy comment when nothing else seems to fit the situation. The expression "horse's ass" is in a special category, being marvelously applicable to so many individuals in an election year.

Anyhow...

Courtesy of my friend Jake, here is a compilation of wonderful classic insults of the kind I wish I could deliver on demand:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

followed by Churchill's response:

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
--Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" To which Churchill replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it"

Got any others? Post them here as a comment or e-mail them to bilbo_the_blogger@yahoo.com. I'm always looking for good insults, particularly in an election year...not everyone running for president (or currently occupying the office) can rise to the esteemed level of "horse's ass."

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Sunday Morning Odds and Ends

Sunday morning, just after 6:30. Agnes is still asleep, Punky is curled up on the couch, and the usual early morning quiet reigns. Plenty to do later, though: Agnes teaches a dance lesson at 10:00, after which we'll practice for an hour or so before heading home to the usual weekend afternoon fun activities of laundry, and another stab at getting the study cleaned out.

Yes, the study isn't cleaned up yet. It does look marginally better than it did in the photo I showed you last week, but there's still quite a way to go. I got rid of a lot of old paper and pictures by running the scanner until it screamed, and then shredding the old stuff - you'd be surprised how heavy a tightly-packed large-sized Hefty bag of shredded paper can be. You can actually see more of the floor, and the piles of stuff on the desktop aren't quite as large as before, but there's lots more to do. Sigh.

I vented my spleen about the election season yesterday, and got the expected comments back from readers. My favorite was from craziequeen, who assures me that politicians in the UK are as corrupt, venal, and all-around worthless as they are here...they just sound more erudite and trustworthy because they have those great upper-crust British accents that all Americans are afraid to admit they really like (most of us would rather listen to Tony Blair reading the phone book than George Bush reading the US Constitution...or the parts of it he chooses to acknowledge). I'll have more to say about our ongoing political circus later, but I'll try to keep things more cheerful and unfocused for today.

As you know, I love photography and am a fairly serious hobby photographer. That's why I really enjoyed this picture I found on Miss Cellania's blog this morning:


Also found on that marvelous blog, this little cartoon that says it all about winter:


Speaking of winter, those of us here in Northern Virginia are wondering just what season it really is. Two nights ago, the temperature was in the upper teens (that's -7 Celsius for those of you in the rest of the world) ... tomorrow and Tuesday, it's supposed to reach 66 degrees (or almost 19 Celsius). I wish the stupid weather would make up its mind. Each time it warms up, Punky starts to shed her winter coat again, and I can't vacuum fast enough to keep up. Yesterday I took her outside for a good brushing, and ended up with enough hair to knit a new dog. For pete's sake, decide, already - winter or spring! AARRGGHH!!

Okay, I'm done now. The newspaper has just landed in my driveway with a satisfyingly heavy Sunday thud, and I think I'll take Punky for a walk and pick it up.

The rest of the day awaits!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Primaries, Caucuses, and "The Vision Thing"

The Iowa caucuses are over, the Wyoming caucuses are underway, and the New Hampshire primaries are just around the corner. As a public service, and in order to help you make sense of all that you hear during this election season, here is a useful device you may wish to install on your computer, TV, or radio:


Don't thank me ... I just hope you find it helpful.

But on the serious side, I'm getting more than a little tired of this seemingly eternal season of political posturing and empty rhetoric. While caucuses and primaries are useful in thinning the herd of presidential contenders, after a while they all start to run together in an endless roar of white noise that crowds out other, more substantial news.

So far, I haven't seen anyone running for President - from either party - that I think is worthy of the office. They all have lots to say, but little behind it ("all hat, no cattle" as they say in Texas). They have ideas, but no real plans. Desires, but no big picture. No one has what George Bush the Elder dismissively called "the vision thing."

As the Cheshire Cat said to Alice during her adventures in Wonderland, if you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Without a vision of the destination, of the desired future of the country, none of the candidates can present a coherent program to get us there. No one is looking at the nation and the world as a complex set of interlocking systems in which every action in one place produces a result in another. As far as I can tell, each candidate's vision is limited to the electoral horizon and the goal of changing his or her address to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Everyone claims that "change" is needed, and I agree. After the catastrophic presidency of George W. Bush, change is essential. But what, exactly, do you plan to change? How do you plan to do it? What's your plan for working with a poisonously divided Congress to get your "changes" turned into laws? What's your plan for turning your promises into accomplishments?

I've spent some time reading the websites of all the major candidates, and reading the transcripts of their statements in the "debates." Lots of promises out there, but not much in the way of a coherent vision of how they all fit together to produce "change," and how they plan to get there.

Nope. Nobody out there I like...


Hope you are having an easier time. Good luck.

Time to make myself a nice drink and start fixing dinner. I need the drink after thinking about the election.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Top Reads of 2007, and a Preview of 2008

Every so often, my creative gland stops secreting, and I turn to my fellow bloggers for inspiration on topics to address. Over at Cognitive Blindspot yesterday, zero_zero_one listed all the books he'd read in 2007 (and an impressive list it is!); today, his c0-blogger noisims listed his top 5 reads of 2007.

Well, I didn't keep a list of everything I read last year, so I can't match zero_zero_one's list, but I can look back at the best and worst reads of the past year as noisims did...

My top 5 good reads of 2007 (not in any particular order):

Who Will Tell the People, by William Greider: a marvelous look at how our democratic political processes have been corrupted to the point at which our representative government truly represents only those wealthy and organized enough to buy or demand representation. Worst thing: this book was originally published in 1992, and 15 years later, nothing has changed.

Book of the Dead, by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child: great brain candy - the final book of the trilogy documenting the battle between Special Agent Pendergast and his Evil Brother Diogenes.

The Quest, by Wilbur Smith: more great brain candy, but meticulously researched and well-written. If you are fascinated by ancient Egypt, over-the-top sex scenes, and hairy-chested macho adventure, anything by Wilbur Smith is for you.

Sharpe's Fury, by Bernard Cornwell: great historical fiction; the latest in the ongoing adventures of soldier/adventurer Richard Sharpe, who evidently took part in every battle of the Napoleonic Wars...in this book, the battle of Barossa in 1811. This is a man who can write great action stories.

The World Without Us, by Alan Weisman: interesting speculative nonfiction...what would happen to all man's works if man suddenly disappeared?

And the worst reads:

The Book of the Dead, by Patricia Cornwell: I like much of her work, but this one left me yawning, particularly over the ludicrous cardboard character of her nemesis, Dr Self. A waste of good reading time.

Hannibal Rising, by Thomas Harris: beautifully written, as is everything by Harris, but it really took much of the mystery and inherent evil out of the character of Hannibal Lecter. A real disappointment.

Right now, I'm re-reading Thunderhead, by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child (my mealtime and bathroom book, and a rocking brain candy adventure) and The Fall of Berlin, 1945, by Anthony Beevor (my commuting book), a gripping look at the vast and bloody battle for the Nazi capital at the end of World War II.

There's a lot of 2008 left, a stack of unread books (and books deserving of re-reads) at home, and people keep writing even more books. In July, Harry Turtledove will publish his new novel The Man With the Iron Heart, an alternative history of the aftermath of World War II in Europe...how would history have been different if the occupation of defeated Nazi Germany had been more like today's bloody occupation of Iraq? I heard Turtledove talk about this book at the National Book Fair back in September, and can't wait to read it.

What's your reading plan for this year?

Gotta go - Punky needs walking, my lunch needs to be packed, and a new day of work awaits.

Sigh.

Have a good day. Read more. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Eating the Humble Pie

One of the things you get used to as an American, particularly if you travel extensively, is that is that the rest of the world has a love-hate relationship with you. They love having you spend your money in their countries, but hate you because you (not you personally, but you as a Yankee) represent everything they aren't and can't be. They love you for always standing ready to help in case of disaster, but hate you because they need your help. They love you for what you stand for, but hate you because you're preachy and arrogant about it.

I ran across two articles yesterday that are worth your time to read. The first, an editorial by Daniel Davis in The Washington Times, was titled "The Battle of Ideas: U.S. Losing in Recent Years;" the other, by Moises Naim in the Washington Post, was titled "A Hunger for America." These two fine articles looked at America in the world from slightly different angles.

In his editorial, Mr Davis writes: "There was a time in the not-too-distant past when America possessed considerable admiration and respect in the minds of people across the world. But over time that prestige has tarnished while at the same time our domestic condition improved to unprecedented heights. It seems we began to believe all the stories about how great we were while inversely showing less and less consideration, respect and appreciation for those beyond our borders. This undesirable condition has worsened over the past decade, and as is now becoming very clear, works against our self-interest."

In the other article, Mr Naim writes that the world wants America back...but not just any America. He writes, "...the America that the world wants back is not the one that preemptively invades potential enemies, bullies allies or disdains international law. The demand is for an America that rallies other nations prone to sitting on the fence while international crises are boiling out of control; for a superpower that comes up with innovative initiatives to tackle the great challenges of the day, such as climate change, nuclear proliferation and violent Islamist fundamentalism. The demand is for an America that enforces the rules that facilitate international commerce and works effectively to stabilize an accident-prone global economy. Naturally, the world also wants a superpower willing to foot the bill with a largess that no other nation can match."

These are articles that should be required reading in the White House and Congress. As an American, I am appalled at how the image of the country I love has been shredded around the world. We'll never be loved, because we represent a level of success that no other country can match. We're the image they'll never see in the mirror. We're the only country where people of every race, religion, and ethnic group live together in relative harmony, building a nation strong enough to be the one place the rest of the world can turn for help in the face of disaster. We're far from perfect, but the fact that we have such an enormous illegal immigration problem ought to tell you something about what the rest of the world really thinks about us in the corners of their hearts and minds they hate to acknowledge. I want my country to be respected again. Feared when necessary, but feared by those who are evil, and respected by the good of heart.

Mr Davis's editorial goes on to say that he could offer many recommendations for fixing our ills, but that they won't make any difference unless, "...there is first a fundamental change in the mind of Americans. If we do not accept that along with our many and substantial virtues we are also guilty of sometimes not insignificant pride, arrogance and hubris, no reform is even possible. It is imperative that our national leaders concede the fact that part of the reason we're not winning the global battle of the mind is our past behavior, our insistence on having things our way and our unwillingness to compromise on non-critical issues to our friends and allies."

I don't think I could put it any better myself.

My digital countdown calendar tells me that there are 383 days and 7 hours left in the current administration (cue the brass band!). It's too late for our present leadership to do the right thing, even if it were willing to admit to any mistakes. I've written them off.

The message to the new administration is this: humble pie isn't the greatest of desserts, but sometimes you've just got to eat your share. Acknowledge the mistakes. Restore the greatness of America - the spirit and the heart that have made us the envy of the world.

They may hate us, but it's the hatred of jealousy - the hatred that grows from the knowledge we can do all the things they can't, because they allow themselves to be held back by twisted religious beliefs, ethnic hatreds, or discredited economic and political philosophies.

Let them hate us - and if they hate us that badly, let them go ahead on their own, without our aid.

But in the meantime, let's all have a slice of that humble pie, and resolve to do better when we elect our next president..

We can't do much worse.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Happy New Taxes ... uh ... Year!

Yesterday the local newspapers were full of reminders that the new year brings a raft of new taxes for those of us fortunate enough to live in Virginia. These new taxes, on things as diverse as selling a home, renting a hotel room, and buying, inspecting, registering, or repairing a car, are intended to raise $325 million per year for road and mass transit improvements to help address the horrendous traffic problems we deal with daily.

I'd feel a lot better about it if I thought it would do some good.

Coming on top of the biggest increase in transit fares and related fees in our transit authority's history (which take effect this coming weekend), these taxes represent a huge burden on local commuters and taxpayers. I don't argue that our transportation situation is bad and getting worse, but I think the answer needs to include fees assessed to real estate developers and auto makers, and housecleaning in the bloated and inefficient administration of the transit authority, and routine, reliable funding from the local governments, as well as new taxes and fees slammed on Real People. Of course, I'm not stupid (no matter what everyone says) - I realize that fees levied on developers, car makers, and the like will be immediately passed on to their customers and end up being the same as a direct tax. But, as I've often said in this space before, we need to take a systemic approach to problems. Taxes only address one small part of the problem. It's not fair for developers and manufacturers to get a free ride at our expense.

My Daily Curmudgeon e-mail the other day contained an interesting and appropriate quote for this topic. Henry David Thoreau once wrote that,

"I went to the store the other day to buy a bolt for our front door, for as I told the storekeeper, the Governor was coming here. 'Aye,' said he, 'and the Legislature too.' Then I will take two bolts, said I."

I think I'll head to the Home Depot after work and pick up a gross of bolts.

Turning to happier topics, we had a chance to visit with our daughter and her family yesterday, and to schmooze with the most adorable grandchild in Virginia (we already have Ohio covered by our other grandchildren). Poor Leya wasn't feeling very well, and wasn't in her typical full-cute mode, but even in a bad mood, she can out-cute every other lesser child in the state.

Agnes took the opportunity to provide a little music lesson (nothing like starting early) ...


Poor Leya got pretty well spun up with our visit and didn't want to take a nap - there was just too much interesting stuff to see and do with grandma and grandpa. I did, finally, manage to rock her to sleep ...


Yes, there are some things that can take one's mind off all the other problems of the world.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Happy New Year!

It's 6:30 AM, January 1st, 2008. Agnes is still asleep, Punky is still curled up on the couch, and the day awaits.

We celebrated quietly last night, compared to other New Year's Eves we've enjoyed, such as this one from December 31st, 2000 ...


This is the picture I look at when I'm in need of an ego boost! The lady on the couch in the background had a good laugh as we posed this photo.

But last night was spent quietly at home. Agnes stir-fried a wok-full of Shrimp Lo Mein and we opened a bottle of Champagne to wash it down with. We spent the rest of the evening curled up in our chairs in front of the fireplace, watching episodes of the first season of "Bones" from Agnes's Christmas DVD set. The neighbors were out in the cul-de-sac setting off large numbers of fireworks, much to Punky's dismay ... she doesn't like loud noises, and spent an uncomfortable evening cowering under Agnes's chair. She refused to go out for her before-bed walk, so I'll have to coax her out in a few minutes.

So 2007 slipped quietly away, and 2007 has its foot in the proverbial door. We're invited to brunch at the home of one of Agnes's co-workers later this morning, and afterwards we'll drop by to visit Leya for a while before coming home to finish some of the housework that didn't get completed yesterday.

On other fronts, although it's difficult to see at first glance, I am making progress cleaning out the study. I finally managed to shred the giant pile of old files, and have gotten much of the accumulated junk up off the floor. There's a long way to go, to be sure, but I think I may actually get there by this evening, provided Agnes doesn't find anything else for me to do.

What's on the agenda for the new year? I gave up on making New Years' Resolutions a long time ago, since I seldom manage to keep them and it only leads to depression in the long run. Nevertheless, I do want to try to write more real, mailable, hard-copy letters to my grandchildren this year. I want to get them used to the idea of writing and receiving letters, letter-writing being a nearly-lost art in an age of text messaging, e-mails, and phone calls. I think I may be able to do this one, as long as I can enforce some time management discipline on myself. We'll see.

And so, on this cold and gloomy New Year's Day, Agnes and I wish all of you the very best and hope that the new year brings you health and happiness. I'll be recovering from my burst of relative holiday good cheer and getting back to ranting about various things, but will try to keep my perspective - it's tough to keep an optimistic outlook in an election year, but I'll do my best.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo