More Than You Ought to Know

One of the (many) things that drives me up the wall is cell phone conversations to which I become an unwilling party. You know what I mean ... the person next to you on the bus, or sitting a few seats away in a restaurant, or walking down a busy street who just has to have that very personal cell phone conversation right now this minute, regardless of the location and the secondary audience.

In this regard, I believe that cell phones (also known as mobiles in the UK - thanks, craziequeen! - or handies in Germany) are truly the devil's spawn. There's no more quiet, no more privacy, no more sense of the appropriateness of having a conversation the rest of the world probably ought not hear.

I wrote here long ago about the conversation I overheard in a gate area at Reagan National Airport here in Washington, in which an older man was loudly berating a distant person at his proctologist's office because he couldn't get an appointment at the time he wanted. That was way more information than any of us needed.

Yesterday, I heard a conversation that beat that one.

I was on the Metro coming home, and sitting across the aisle from me was a fellow who was obviously visiting the local area. He had a booming, stentorian voice that carried to every corner of the car, and he treated his fellow riders to an unbroken series of business and personal calls that included one call to a local hotel to make a reservation. He thoroughly quizzed the hotel representative about rates and availability of rooms, and then booked his room - including providing the full number and expiration date of his credit card to everyone in the car.

How stupid can you be? It's not bad enough that this inconsiderate buffoon forced the rest of us to listen to his conversation, but he also broadcast his credit card information to the world. Had I been of a mind to write it all down, I could have by now financed my retirement at his expense...or at least bought myself a lot of new books and DVDs. And it wouldn't surprise me at all if someone weren't already doing that - after all, no one in that car could possibly not have heard that number.

Cell phones, used properly, are a wonderful thing. But if you choose to let the rest of the world in on your conversations, don't be surprised if we take it poorly. And if you are stupid enough to expose deeply personal information to people who may not have your best interests at heart, well, you will eventually get what you deserve.

Cell phones. Please use them judiciously.

I don't need to know your proctologist or your credit card number.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Comparative Religious Beliefs

You all know how I feel about religion, so we won't beat that horse any more. Nevertheless, I'm fascinated by the idea of religion and how it can turn otherwise rational human beings into mindless fanatics willing to condemn (or even kill) those who subscribe to other belief systems. And why do we have such a wide range of religious beliefs, anyhow...some of them bizarre beyond understanding (snake-handling cults, anyone)?

As a way of sorting out the bewildering array of religious beliefs out there, I offer you - as a public service - this updated version of the classic comparison of belief systems (and, since is is an all-ages blog, I've taken the liberty of replacing the original noun. Use your imagination):

Taoism: Stuff Happens

Confucianism: Confucius said, "Stuff happens"

Calvinism: Stuff happens because you don't work hard enough

Buddhism: If stuff happens, it really isn't stuff

Seventh Day Adventist: No stuff on Saturdays

Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good stuff happening

Hinduism: This stuff happened before

Mormon: This stuff is going to happen again

Islam: If stuff happens it is the will of Allah, and you'd better not draw any pictures of it or I'll kill you.

Moonies: Only happy stuff really happens

Stoicism: This stuff is good for me

Protestantism: Let the stuff happen to someone else

Catholicism: Stuff happens because you are bad

Lutheranism: Here are 95 reasons why stuff happens

Hare Krishna: Stuff happens, rama, rama

Judaism: Why does this stuff always happen to us?

Zoroastrianism: Stuff happens half the time

Christian Science: Stuff is in your mind

Atheism: I don't believe this stuff

Agnosticism: Stuff might happen

Existentialism: What is stuff, anyway?

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this stuff

Jehovah's Witness: Let me come in and tell you why stuff happens

Southern Baptist: You will burn in hell if you let stuff happen

Televangelism: Send in more stuff

Scientology: You must be absolutely quiet and still while stuff is happening

Don't thank me...it's all part of my ongoing effort to help you make sense of the world around you. As if that were possible.

Have a good day. Make stuff happen. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Bloggers' Happy Hour at the Goethe Institut in DC

About two weeks ago, I got an e-mail inviting me to a bloggers' open house at the Goethe Institut in Washington, DC.

I was greatly honored, for obviously an organization bearing the name of one of the towering figures of German literature had recognized the excellence and worth of my blog, and had decided to improve its image by basking in the radiance of my quasi-literary presence. Plus there was free food! And a bar with free beer and wine and juice! And other bloggers! I just had to go.

I had a great time! The event was hosted by the Goethe Institut as part of their community outreach programs, looking for ways to spread interest in German language and culture. We spent about an hour of meeting, greeting, and exchanging URLs, and then staff members Craig and Norma presented a short, interesting program about the history and activities of the Goethe Institute, where you can see German films, learn to speak German, enjoy cultural events and exhibitions, and learn more about Germany in particular and Europe in general, all in an airy, inviting location on 7th St, NW, less than a block from the Gallery Place/Chinatown Metro station.

But the best part, of course, was the chance to meet other bloggers. We usually know each other only as words on a screen, and it's good to have an opportunity to meet the real people behind the electrons. Everyone has a story, and there were a lot of great stories last night. I owe a special head nod to these bloggers and their blogs, which I heartily encourage you to visit...

If you enjoy poetry, Greg offers his poems and thoughts at Enchilada's Blog.

If you're short on money and long on wanting things to do that don't cost an arm and a leg, check out Amy's Free in DC for great tips on where to go, what to do, and how not to pay much for it. Plus, Amy radiates infectious energy ... five minutes after meeting her, you're exhausted. But it's a good exhaustion.

I've never met a professional flamenco guitarist before, but now I've met Michael. His Flamenco Photo Diary and Blog offers wonderful insights and photos of the exotic world of flamenco. Ole!

Buggie was a delight to meet and talk with. She has two blogs: Ah Bugger ("The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind") and Television Bug ("I watch TV so you don't have to"). I have to admire this lovely lady...it taxes my limited mental capacity to keep up one blog, much less two.

And Kristin writes at Candy Sandwich ("Life in DC? Sometimes it's just like a candy sandwich: good in theory, bad in practice...sometimes, though, it's just what you want.").

I met lots of other interesting people with great blogs, but I do have to go to work today, so I'll just have to stop here for the time being. Please check out my fellow bloggers, and be sure to visit the Goethe Institute - you don't have to speak German, you just have to love learning and culture. Visit their website, then drop by and enjoy their range of interesting and educational programs.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Useful Latin

Looking for a way to make people think you're better educated than you really are? Try sprinkling a few Latin phrases into your daily speech. No, not "Latin" as in suspected of being here illegally, but "Latin" as in what the ancient Romans spoke. Of course, the Roman empire actually fell, but we're still using their language, which ought to count for something. So that you don't have to go through the flailing agony of actually learning Latin (which, trust me, can be a pain), here are some useful Latin phrases for you to use in your discourse...

"Domino vobiscum." - The pizza guy is here.

"Sharpei diem." - Seize the wrinkled dog.

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." - Remove foil before microwaving.

"Nokiam interruptus." - Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum." - Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.

"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum." - A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

"E Pluribus Motorolis." - You just can't get away from people talking on their cell phones.

"Veni, vidi, Pesci." - I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.

"Revelare Pecunia!" - Show Me The Money!

"Sic semper tyrannus." - Your dinosaur is ill.

"No Quid Pro Quo." - I'm sorry, we're all out of quid.

"Cavaet humanus sic tofu burritus e toga." - Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus." - It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.

"Veni, Vidi, Vichy." - I came, I saw, I capitulated to the Germans.

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro" - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

"Et tu, pluribus unum?" - The government just stabbed me in the back.

"E pluribus septum." - Multiple nose piercings.

Next time you need to sound erudite, you'll thank me. If your idea of political activism consists of simply shouting mindless slogans, you might as well sound good doing it.

No charge!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Living in the Mainstream

It's just before 7AM on a cloudy, cool Sunday morning here in Northern Virginia. The dog has been walked, Agnes is still asleep, and the Sunday paper is waiting to be read ... so I'm just in the mood for a quick post. A minor rant, if you will.

Yesterday's op-ed page of the Washington Post carried an article by a former U.S. Secret Service agent titled Lifting the Siege on American Muslims (you can read it online under the revised title, Compassion, Prejudice, and American Muslims). The article was a quiet, well-written call for understanding rather than prejudice, and it included this line:

"U.S. leaders need to do much more to help bring American Muslims into the mainstream."

Perhaps.

But in my humble and not-so-PC opinion, I don't believe it's the role of American leaders to bring American Muslims into the mainstream. I believe it's the job of American Muslims to bring themselves into the mainstream. Two simple things would provide a good start:

Condemning acts of murder and terror committed with an Islamic religious justification...not just to Americans who are outraged over those acts, but to other Muslims. In Arabic. If your religious beliefs tell you that it's all right to subjugate or, worse, murder those who don't believe the same way you do, your beliefs are at great variance with those of the country you expect to welcome you with open arms. How is such belief compatible with living in the mainstream of America? And how can you possibly expect those you refer to as infidels to accept you and go out of their way to accommodate you?

Getting rid of medieval and archaic notions of female modesty. Perhaps your culture of the desert or the badlands of Afghanistan or Pakistan says that a woman must be completely covered, head to foot, in the interest of modesty. It's hardly a mainstream belief in the rest of the world. Get over it. If you want to wear a headscarf, long sleeves, and pants every day, go for it. But if you expect to be part of the mainstream, lose the extravagantly see-how-modest-I-am costume.

I am sick to death of being told that it's my job to understand and accommodate Muslim beliefs and practices, while Muslims appear to have no interest in understanding or accommodating mine. If you want to be accepted as part of the American mainstream, do your part.

Otherwise, don't expect the rest of America to take you seriously.

Rant over.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

A former television chef has been arrested and accused with hiring homeless people to carry out a murder-for-hire; twenty-eight wedding guests were electrocuted in India when their bus hit an overhead power line; a widespread outbreak of E. coli infections from contaminated lettuce has dealt a serious blow to the salad industry; the NRA is taking aim at proponents of gun controls in the upcoming midterm elections, in a valiant attempt to make already-dangerous streets safer by putting yet more guns out there; and a broken well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to pour tens of thousands of gallons of oil into the water every day while oil company executives blame each other for the disaster.

Cartoon Saturday can't fix all your problems, but it can give you something else to think about for a while.

One of my all-time favorite cartoons was the old Far Side panel that showed two crusty old sailors in a bar, with one pointing to his peg leg and snarling, "Well, that's a pretty good story, but let me tell you about the time I got this!" The other sailor had a sailor's cap jauntily perched on his peg head. This cartoon is a new spin on that classic ...

With the huge, smoking crater where my retirement savings used to be, retirement has become just a far-off mirage shimmering on the horizon. And not just for me ...

There's new technology, and there's old technology. The old one probably saved more energy ...

I think we've all gotten the memo ...

My computer at work has been making really odd noises for most of the last week. I've tried all the standard ways of fixing it (reboot, clear cache, blow out the dust from the inside, kick the case), but nothing has worked so far. I've even tried some nontraditional approaches ...

And if you're one of those people who sits in front of the TV all day and lets the bloviating idiots on the tube fill you with loud, unfocused anger, we have a suggestion for you ...


It's Saturday. The weather here in Northern Virginia is supposed to be nice, and there is a dog needing to be walked and bathed, hair needing to be cut, and weeds in my garden waiting to be pulled. Time to get to it.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Airline Dictionary

Have you flown lately? Fun, isn't it? Between the airlines working hard to squeeze every possible cent out of you and morons putting explosives in their shoes and underwear, flying has gotten to be a pain.

But, as a public service, I'm prepared to help you understand what the airlines are doing behind your back. I have managed to acquire a copy of the official Airline Dictionary, which defines the specialized words and phrases that are used commonly by airline employees, but for which the meanings may not be obvious to outsiders. Perhaps it will help add some transparency and clarity to airline operations, and help you better cope with the rigors of modern air travel. Here we go...

Passenger - A bovine creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, and Paxus ignoramus.

Pre-Board – A passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.

Voluntary Oversale - A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.

No-Record - Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

Non-Revenue Position - Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue positions are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.

Group - A large loud pack of passengers traveling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited from pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.

Sign - An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

Position Closed - A sign posted at ticket counters to indicate locations at which passengers may form lines and complain.

Gate Number - a randomly-assigned designation for the location at which a departing flight may perhaps be found. Subject to change without notice and, when designating the location of a connecting flight, is always located at the maximum possible distance from the gate number of arrival.

Baggage Claim - The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."

Rest Room - definition is irrelevant, as these are always closed for cleaning or maintenance.

Carry On Bag - An item, usually of enormous dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says, the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or upright pianos.

Flight Schedule - An entertaining work of fiction.

On Time - An obscure term, meaning unknown.

Fog - A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.

Air Traffic Control - A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights. (John?)

Ticket Agent - A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalyst, and and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control all weather phenomena and know the precise location and status of every flight operated by any airline. They are able to answer three questions at one time, while simultaneously talking on the phone and typing, without stuttering or choking on their tongues. Later in life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.

I hope this has helped you better understand the industry which - literally - holds your life in its hands for a few hours at a time. If you learn of any airline dictionary entries I've missed, please either add them in a comment or e-mail them to me so I can share them with others as a public service.

You're welcome.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow, when Cartoon Saturday returns.

Bilbo

The Arizona Immigration Mess, and the Bilbo Solution

Unless you've been vacationing in a cave in Outer Mongolia, you've heard about the huge controversy spun up by Arizona's passing of laws regarding illegal immigrants (read the fact sheet on the new law here). Civil rights groups are up in arms, conservatives are pressing for immediate sainthood for the law's sponsors, and nobody is neutral on the subject.

Let me say this about that: I support what Arizona is trying to do, if not the way the state is going about it; and Arizona is doing what it's doing because Congress has utterly failed in its duty to address responsible, fair immigration reform.

I have often written here on this subject, and have even proposed my own plan for immigration reform (which you can read here). I have sent this plan to former President Bush and to all my elected reprehensives, all of whom sent me nice, bland letters thanking me for my interest and suggesting I just sit down and color.

The problem with immigration reform comes down to a fundamental issue of honesty: "immigrants rights" groups don't want to admit that illegal immigration is ... well ... illegal; and most members of Congress are too afraid of offending potential voting blocks to speak out honestly on the issue. Hispanic groups, in particular, loudly advocate "immigrant rights," but speak from a position of ethnic solidarity rather than responsible advocacy of reasonable reform.

Nobody's willing to compromise to get things done. Conservatives won't support any immigration reform effort that doesn't start with hermetically sealing the border and deporting every single person who is in the country illegally; liberals won't support any immigration reform effort that doesn't start with legitimizing the millions of persons already in the country illegally.

TA-DA!!! - Impasse.

Let's get realistic for a minute. We will never, however much we might wish it, be able to track down, arrest, and deport everyone who is here illegally. It just ain't gonna happen. Forget it. The best we can do is give those people a way to legitimize themselves so that we can turn our enforcement resources toward more effective border controls and the tracking down of the illegals who are hard-core criminals. My plan offers a reasonable way to do that. I agree with the conservatives who don't want to reward with citizenship those who have deliberately broken the law...but there are ways to bring them within the law by creating new categories of alien registration.

The problem is complex and no solution will completely satisfy every special interest group. There are economic, legal, moral, and ethical issues that are twisted into an ugly Gordian knot that's waiting for an Alexander to unravel it. Calling every immigration reform advocate a racist is irresponsible and stupid, every bit as much as supporting amnesty and citizenship for those who have broken the law.

Reasonable people must come together and address the problem rationally. My plan is a start. If you like it (and there's no reason why you shouldn't!), copy it and send it to your elected reprehensives. I don't claim to have all the answers, but at least I have a plan that offers a place to start.

We can keep shouting slogans and pandering to special interests at both ends of the spectrum, or we can solve the problem.

Unfortunately, I see a lot more shouting in the future.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

A Doctor in the Family

This week, our son-in-law's brother (what does that make him in family relational terms?) will graduate from medical school, finally giving us a doctor in the family. We have enough engineers and linguists already, and thank goodness no one has disgraced us by becoming a lawyer or a politician. There are some Republicans and the odd Democrat in the family tree, but I try not to mention them when my security clearance comes up for review.

But getting back to the new doctor...

I've often wondered how people who become doctors decide on their specialties. Why does someone become a surgeon as opposed to a gynecologist or pathologist or ophthalmologist? Is it a decision based on expected future income, or are there other factors involved? Inquiring minds want to know.

Thus it was with great interest that I found this handy flow chart intended to help prospective doctors decide on their future specialties:

If you're thinking of going to medical school, this may help. Don't thank me...it's all part of the service.

And congratulations, Tad - we're very proud of you!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Disasters

Short post today - I have bills to pay before I leave for work, so that I can make money to pay yet more bills. Great, isn't it?

Let's talk briefly about disasters.

We seem to have no shortage of them lately, do we? Unpronounceable volcanoes in Iceland, earthquakes in South America and China, floods in Tennessee, mudslides, Republicans, Michael Moore movies, the list goes on and on. It's gotten so bad I'm almost afraid to go outside any more.

On the upside, disasters make great movies. Remember The Towering Inferno? Earthquake? And the famous Towering Inferno/Earthquake double-bill - Shake and Bake?

Sorry about that.

Of course, there are disasters and there are disasters. Some we recognize, some we don't. My friend Bob sent me this clever cartoon that makes the point...

Disasters. Ugh.

And we still have elections coming later this year. Better get your personal shelter ready.

Because sometimes the worst disasters are the ones we choose ourselves.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo