Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Comparative Religious Beliefs

You all know how I feel about religion, so we won't beat that horse any more. Nevertheless, I'm fascinated by the idea of religion and how it can turn otherwise rational human beings into mindless fanatics willing to condemn (or even kill) those who subscribe to other belief systems. And why do we have such a wide range of religious beliefs, anyhow...some of them bizarre beyond understanding (snake-handling cults, anyone)?

As a way of sorting out the bewildering array of religious beliefs out there, I offer you - as a public service - this updated version of the classic comparison of belief systems (and, since is is an all-ages blog, I've taken the liberty of replacing the original noun. Use your imagination):

Taoism: Stuff Happens

Confucianism: Confucius said, "Stuff happens"

Calvinism: Stuff happens because you don't work hard enough

Buddhism: If stuff happens, it really isn't stuff

Seventh Day Adventist: No stuff on Saturdays

Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good stuff happening

Hinduism: This stuff happened before

Mormon: This stuff is going to happen again

Islam: If stuff happens it is the will of Allah, and you'd better not draw any pictures of it or I'll kill you.

Moonies: Only happy stuff really happens

Stoicism: This stuff is good for me

Protestantism: Let the stuff happen to someone else

Catholicism: Stuff happens because you are bad

Lutheranism: Here are 95 reasons why stuff happens

Hare Krishna: Stuff happens, rama, rama

Judaism: Why does this stuff always happen to us?

Zoroastrianism: Stuff happens half the time

Christian Science: Stuff is in your mind

Atheism: I don't believe this stuff

Agnosticism: Stuff might happen

Existentialism: What is stuff, anyway?

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this stuff

Jehovah's Witness: Let me come in and tell you why stuff happens

Southern Baptist: You will burn in hell if you let stuff happen

Televangelism: Send in more stuff

Scientology: You must be absolutely quiet and still while stuff is happening

Don't thank's all part of my ongoing effort to help you make sense of the world around you. As if that were possible.

Have a good day. Make stuff happen. More thoughts tomorrow.



SusieQ said...

This is good stuff!

Anonymous said...

Re: Buddhism--

Stuff happens because of stuff you did in a prior life, or maybe yesterday.

Eminence Grise

Mike said...

Witch Doctors: Stuff happens, rama, rama, ding dong.