Cartoon Saturday, the Christmas Edition

Ah, Christmas ... the one week per year when we treat each other with generosity and kindness, as opposed to the other 51, when we treat each other like (expletive deleted) ...

Tensions are high between the US and India after a female Indian consular officer was arrested on visa fraud charges and strip-searched by US Marshals; tensions are up between the US and China after a US Navy ship was forced to take evasive action in order to avoid being rammed by a Chinese warship; Congress finally did its job and passed a budget, although with gritted teeth; North Korea faxed its latest threat of merciless retaliation against South Korea for whatever it was that pissed them off this time; and the Arts and Entertainment network is under fire after suspending one of the stars of the popular "Duck Dynasty" show because he had made negative comments about homosexuals.

As Santa gets ready to fill the stockings of Congress and a great many other ass clowns with coal and sawdust for the holiday, we turn to a collection of cartoons with a Christmas theme ...

Starting with the subject of lists, Santa doesn't really make his own lists any more ... he's subcontracted it out to the National Security Agency ...

List, schmist ...

Moving on to the topic of wise men* and gifts, gift desires are sometimes misinterpreted ...

There's wise, and there's wise ...

Sometimes it really pays to be a wise man ...

There's always someone who didn't get the memo ...

Moving on to Christmas decorations, there's an old joke on this theme ... you heard it in yesterday's post ...

Then there was also the old joke about the young lieutenant who was decorated by the general at Christmas, because the unit couldn't afford a tree ...

Your Christmas pun ...

I wonder where he carries the spare ...

No other comment necessary ...

And finally, how else would you take care of your artificial tree ... ?

Welcome to the last shopping weekend before Christmas ... if you're going to the Mall, take your Valium first.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* There was a wonderful cartoon years ago (sadly, lost) that showed two men in robes and turbans riding camels, and a third lagging far behind. One of the two in the lead turns to the one behind and shouts "Hurry up, Balthazar! It's a quarter to AD!"

The Story of the Christmas Angel

Most of us have already put up and decorated our Christmas trees. We've strung the lights, draped the tinsel, and hung the ornaments. Everyone has a different philosophy of how to decorate their tree, but there's one thing that is pretty much an either-or choice: the ornament that goes on top of the tree is almost always either a star ...

or an angel ...

This is the story of how the angel came to sit on top of the Christmas tree ...

It was a particularly busy and difficult time at the North Pole, many years ago. The latest shipment of toy components from China was late, putting on-time production of finished toys at risk. The Elves Union (North Pole Chapter #592) was on strike for better benefits (including health care and dental) and higher pay. A delivery of hay to the reindeer barn was spoiled, and the reindeer were flying around with severe diarrhea, seriously besmirching the pure white snow around Santa's enclave. Rudolph had a bad cold and his nose had gone dark, so Santa was trying (so far, unsuccessfully) to figure out how to program his optimum route with his new Garmin GPS unit. It was the wrong time of the month for Mrs Santa, and she was in a bad mood, grousing at Santa to do something about the pooping reindeer and the striking elves chanting outside the window.

Through it all, Santa tried to keep up with things and maintain his holiday good cheer. But as he sat at his desk late one night working on his inventory sheets, the nib on his pen broke, spreading a huge blot of ink across the neat columns of figures he'd spent all day trying to bring into order. Suddenly, all the pressures and difficulties caught up to Santa ... he picked up the ledger and threw it out the window at the picketing elves, snapped his pen in half, and hurled the pieces into the fireplace, and dropped back down at his desk with his head in his hands.

Just at that moment, the door to the office flew open and in walked a beautiful little angel, carrying a gaily-decorated tree twinkling with lights and glittering with beautiful ornaments. The angel stood before Santa's desk, looked at him with eyes bright and shining with love, and asked gently,

"Hey, Santa ... what should I do with this tree?"

Have a good day. Be here tomorrow for the Christmas Edition of Cartoon Saturday.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Another Trip Down Editing Lane ...

We haven't looked into the editor's errata file for a while ... now seems like a good time.

I think I'll stick with the smell of cookies, thank you very much ...

We may need some remedial training in child care before the show goes on ...

Do as I say, not as I do ...

Getting all those feathers out of the system will improve airflow, too ...

I wonder what it could have been ...

The elephant's ragged breathing was a giveaway ...

Here's your salad, Mr Fields ...

I usually just flush and walk away ... who needs an app? ...

What else can I say? ...

Nothing like a wild codpiece, is there? ...

Have you found any wonderful signs or examples of terrible editing? Send them to der(underscore)blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com, and I'll give you a shout if I use it in a future post.

Don't forget to cast your votes* for Ass Clown of the Year ... time's running out!

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* And your friends' votes, and your family's votes, and your pets' votes. Chicago Rules apply.

Deadly Sins Around Us

What could be a better topic of discussion for the happy, upbeat Christmas season than The Seven Deadly Sins?

You may recall that I have written about the Seven Deadly Sins several times, notably here (in conjunction with seven somewhat more nontraditional deadly sins), here (in combination with the updated Deadly Sins announced by the Catholic Church), and here (as paired with the Seven Cardinal Virtues). Yesterday I saw a new take on the topic in a Yahoo News item that steered me to this post on Memolition: Maps of Seven Deadly Sins in America.

This interesting post used various types of statistics to develop a set of maps which purport to show how widespread the Seven Deadly Sins are in various parts of America. For instance, the distribution of Greed, calculated by comparing average incomes with the number of people living below the poverty line, looks like this. Oddly enough, greed seems to be prevalent on the eastern seaboard (including New York and the Nation's Capital, go figure), Southern Florida and California  ...

Another example is the distribution map for Wrath, calculated by comparing the total number of violent crimes (murder, assault and rape) reported to the FBI per capita in each state. Red indicates higher rates of violent crimes per capita, while blue indicates lower rates ... in general, the most violent states tend to be in the deep South, and the most mellow in the Midwest and North ...

Finally, this map shows the distribution of Gluttony, calculated on the basis of number of fast-food restaurants per capita. Tidewater Virginia looks like a heart attack waiting to happen ...

I know you're waiting for Lust, but you can check it out on your own, Mike.

My conclusion: go North. It's colder, but less traditionally sinful. Maybe.

Have a good day. Go, and sin no more. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Ass Clown of the Year Update

With one day of voting complete, here are the current results in our Ass Clown of the Year competition:

The Democratic Party and the GOP are tied for first place with 25 votes each.

Edward Snowdon is in second place with 16 votes.

Casey James Fury, The Tea Party, and Congress as a Whole are tied in third place with one vote each.

Don't forget to cast your votes ... remember, Chicago Rules apply, and the balloting closes at 11:59 PM on December 31^st! Stand up and be counted!

Vote Now for the Ass Clown of the Year!

Yes, Dear Readers, we have nearly come to the end of another year, and it's time to open up the balloting for our

Ass Clown of the Year ...

Last year's award went to NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre, the 2011 award went to the GOP, and this year there is no shortage of worthy candidates, even though we didn't name our first monthly winner until April. Here is a wrapup of this year's monthly winners:

April: Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, for his smarmy approach to demolishing his political opposition.

May: North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il and NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre (tie), because they both love their very deadly toys and have no sense of responsibility.

June: Ken Cuccinelli and E.W. Jackson, candidates for Governor and Lieutenant Governor of Virginia who gave new meaning to the terms extreme and - in the case of Mr Jackson - bizarre.

July: Edward Snowdon, who single-handedly destroyed much of the US intelligence community.

August: Casey James Fury, who destroyed the $400 million nuclear submarine Miami with the fire he set to give himself an excuse not to go to work.

September: al-Shabaab, the murderous Islamic fanatics murdering their way across East Africa.

October: The US Congress, with Special Recognition to the GOP, for obvious reasons.

November: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the executive who smoked crack while in office, then repeatedly denied it.

December: The Government of China, for its ham-handed approach to international relations.

You are, of course, not limited to voting for one of these (although any one of them would be a good choice). You can vote for anyone you like, and remember that Chicago Rules apply:

1. Vote early and often - there is no limit on the number of votes you can cast, or the number of different candidates you can vote for.

2. Vote on behalf of your family and friends, living or dead. Rule 1 also applies for them.

3. Vote on behalf of your pets. Yes, Rule 1 applies here, too.

You can vote by leaving a comment on any post between now and December 31^st, or by sending e-mails to der(underscore)blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com. If you're one of my Facebook friends, you can also send me a PM via Facebook.

Voting closes at 11:59 PM on December 31^st, and we'll announce the winner in my post on January 1^st, 2014. I will post updates as needed so that you can adjust your voting strategy in favor of your candidate.

Stand up and be counted! Cast your vote(s)* today for the Ass Clown of the Year!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Don't forget to cast everyone else's votes, too!

Dad Turns 90!

This past weekend I drove up to Pittsburgh to help celebrate my father's 90th birthday. I was fortunate to have good weather for the drive in both directions, although Saturday - the date of the party - the weather was terrible, with periods of heavy snow and freezing rain. Nevertheless, more than 50 people, including family and friends, turned out to honor The Patriarch. My sister Lisa did a marvelous job of organizing the entire thing, and it turned out to be a wonderful day. Of course, there are pictures ...

I didn't bring my wide-angle lens, so it wasn't possible to get a picture of the entire group, so we did smaller groups ... in this picture, all the members of the extended family who were there gathered for a picture with Dad ...

A large number of Dad's fishing buddies also showed up for a picture ...

My brother Paul, Sister Lisa, and I with Dad. Also in the picture is our old friend Greg, who counts as an honorary member of the family.

Dad was a professional advertising illustrator (not just a "photographer", as he would say) who did his work in the days before PhotoShop and digital imaging made complicated photos easy. Lisa made a number of displays of his work to show how he created special effects back in the day. The photos of the quick-draw artist on the right side of this trifold were from the shoot in which Dad literally almost got shot, because the gunslinger hadn't remembered to check his gun, and discovered it had a live round in it when it went off ... just missing Dad, but ending up in the adjoining ladies' room!

More examples of his work. The center section of the trifold shows how he created a paratrooper in mid-air by photographing the model posing in various positions on a stool, and combining that image with an actual sky image. On the right side of the trifold are pictures showing how Dad saved money by using cheap models ... top right, my sister Lisa and brother Mark sell drink mixes; bottom right, my brother Mark poses with a little tree*; at the top left, Paul nestles in soft blankets; and at the bottom left, our Grandmother Ruth considers buying gas appliances.

Lisa also laid out a large number of photos from Dad's portfolio for everyone to admire. Every photo had a story, and Dad enjoyed telling the stories to everyone who was interested ...

In this picture, Dad tells his stories to our cousin Mary, while Paul and Lisa look on ...

What's a party without a cake?

In honor of Dad's famous mustache, we also had a large number of "Pittsburgh Dad" cookies ... with mustaches!

 The party was held in the large party room at the home where Dad now lives. You can see a little bit of how yucky the weather was if you look out past the card display table ...

What gifts do you give the 90 year-old fellow who has everything? How about a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Ring Toss? ...

It was a wonderful day and a great way to honor the man who brought us into the world and taught us to be who we are today. Happy Birthday, Dad - we all love you!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* That little tree in the picture was later planted in front of our house ... and eventually grew to 50 feet or more in height!

Not Quite Cartoon Saturday

Yes, I know it's not Saturday, but since I'll be leaving later this morning for Pittsburgh to help celebrate my father's 90th birthday and won't have time to post tomorrow, we may as well get a jump on things, eh?

Things got exciting in North Korea, as dictator Kim Jong Un carried out a major purge which included the execution of his uncle Jang Song Taek, supposedly the second-most powerful figure in the government; Democrats and Republicans in the House of Representatives held their noses, gritted their teeth, and grudgingly agreed on a budget deal that didn't please anyone, but probably saves the country from another government shutdown fiasco in the new year; a school in Colorado has dropped sexual harassment charges against a six year old boy who kissed the hand of a female classmate; the sign language interpreter at the memorial service for former South African president Nelson Mandela evidently did nothing more than wave his arms and make random gestures; and NASCAR driver Danica Patrick traded her oil-stained coveralls for a Las Vegas showgirl outfit for the American Country Music Awards.

Go ahead and play that clip of Danica Patrick a few more times. I'll wait.

This week's theme cartoons, in honor of our first snowfall of the season, involve snow and snowmen ...

I guess snowladies have some of the same problems as the real ones ...

No comment ...

If you're from Pennsylvania or upstate New York, you know all about these ...

With apologies to John Donne ...

When snowmen go bad ...

Even snowmen can employ good dental hygiene ...

And rounding out our selection of snow-related cartoons, here's one I can relate to as I get older ... 

Well, I like to think this is better than the ones who usually smoke right outside the door ...

I've been reading George R. R. Martin's Game of Thrones stories, and just finished watching the first two seasons of the HBO production, which is very gritty and realistic. This was not part of the story ...

And finally, another cartoon that's really obvious ... but really clever, too ...

And that's it for this week's edition of Cartoon Almost Saturday. Since I'll be on the road and visiting with the family, I probably won't post again until Sunday night or Monday morning. Don't give up and go away.

Have a good day and a great weekend. Just a week and a half until Christmas ... if you haven't gotten the tree up, the cards mailed, and the gifts bought and wrapped, you are behind the eight ball and just asking for a last-minute nervous breakdown. I'm just sayin' ...

More thoughts when I get back.

Bilbo

Putting Lipstick on the Pig

There's an elegant, if pithy, expression for putting the best face on a bad situation: putting lipstick on a pig. The idea, of course, is that a pig with glossy lips is still a ... well ... pig.

There was a wonderful recent example of an attempt to put lipstick on a pig, courtesy of the government of China*.

According to state-run television, the terrible choking smog that has enveloped much of the company is actually beneficial, if only you'd stop gagging and coughing enough to think about it. Here are the reasons given by Chinese television for why the smog is beneficial (with my comments, of course):

1. It unifies the Chinese people. Everyone gets to suffer equally ... unless, of course, you're a party bigwig and can buy better air.

2. It makes China more equal. More equal to other heavily polluted countries? I'm not sure that's a real benefit but, hey, I'm not Chinese.

3. It raises citizen awareness of the cost of China’s economic development. This is probably true, but I'm not sure I'd consider it a benefit.

4. It makes people funnier. People wearing masks and hacking their lungs out is a real gas, isn't it?

5. It makes people more knowledgeable. Of what, I'm not sure ... probably of the effects of polluted air on lungs.

If the Chinese government can get away with ludicrous explanations like this, I don't see why it couldn't be used in other areas. For instance, Congress could explain why its complete and utter dysfunction is beneficial to the country ...

1. It keeps them from causing any more trouble ... if it could give us the Sequester, heaven knows what it would give us if it could get its fecal matter together.

2. It keeps 535 people from claiming unemployment insurance ... leaving more for Real People**.

3. It will be easier for future historians to write about its accomplishments ... but history texts full of blank pages won't be much of a help for future students.

4. It provides employment for the thousands of lobbyists and people who work for conservative and liberal think tanks to generate ideas Congress can't generate on its own ... if they didn't work there, they'd probably be panhandling in the Metro stations or mugging tourists.

5. It provides employment for thousands of opinion writers who professionally castigate their political opponents ... while obfuscating the real issues that need to be addressed.

So what do you think? What other pigs can we put lipstick on? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. Tomorrow will be this week's Cartoon Saturday, as I'll be in Pittsburgh celebrating my father's 90th birthday this weekend and won't have time to post on Saturday. Be here. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Winner of the Ass Clown of the Month Award for this month, but for another reason. This one would be icing on the cake.

** At least until the GOP gets done eviscerating it.