That Was Yesterday, and Yesterday's Gone* (but Tomorrow Will Be Better)

Yesterday turned out to be one of those days that really proved the truth of this meme ...

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow, when I'm in a better mood.

Bilbo

* With apologies to Chad and Jeremy.

Cartoon Saturday

Is it Spring, yet?

In India, the death penalty has been upheld by the High Court of Delhi for four men accused of gang-raping and murdering a 23 year old woman; the number of U.S. households with a net worth of $1 million or more rose to a new record of 9.63 million in 2013*; as the crisis in the Ukraine continues, a new national poll indicates that for the first time in more than a decade, more than half of Americans see Russia as a serious threat to the US; six people died after an argument between two vendors led to a stabbing spree at a market in Hunan province in central China; and a Malaysia Airlines flight with 239 people aboard is still missing after disappearing from radar a week ago while en route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing.

Spring may be far in the future but the cartoons are here and now. Let's get to 'em ...

This week, in honor of yesterday's celebration of Pi Day, our collection of theme cartoons deals with letters, numbers, and symbols ...

Sometimes, they can be fun ...

Then there's the single-letter version of the classic comedy routine, "Who's on First?" ...

A real B cup ...

And then there's CSI: Alphabet ...

Not just punctuation cartoon, but a pun, too ...

Moving on to other cartoons, I'm with Dagwood ... there are a lot of things lately that add to my annoyification, too ...

The ultimate in green technology ...

I think there are a lot of people running around today who never got past the "Don't Walk" ...

The Oscars keep up with the times ...

And finally for this week, the problem with Swiss automobiles ...

And so it goes for another week. We're looking forward to a St Patrick's day "winter weather event" of some sort from Sunday night into Monday here in NoVa, so we may as well try to enjoy the decent weather while we can.

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Mine is not one of them.

The Ass Clown of the Month Award for March, 2014

It is time once again, Dear Readers, to announce the latest dishonoree to be our

Ass Clown of the Month.

It's been more than a month since we named Vladimir Putin as the February Ass Clown of the Month. Since then, Mr Putin has confirmed the righteousness of his award, having taken over Crimea and thumbed his nose at the rest of the world. Can I pick 'em or can't I?

As usual, there is no shortage of potential candidates. Celebrities, politicians, and dirtbags of all sorts line up for their moment in the limelight. This month, our winner was nominated by my good friend Bakr, who shares my disdain for moronic political figures who push the envelope of intelligence, propriety, and common decency in public service.

Dear Readers, the Ass Clown of the Month award for March, 2014 goes to

Kyle Tasker

Mr Tasker, a Republican state representative from New Hampshire, posted a sexually explicit joke about women who have been the victims of domestic abuse on a Facebook page ... on a thread which he entered to defend another New Hampshire Republican, Mark Warden, who commented last year that some women “like being in abusive relationships.” Tasker added his own offensive comment, posting a graphic of two stick figures engaging in oral sex with the caption, “50,000 battered women and I still eat mine plain.” In another tasteless Facebook post, Tasker suggested that he needed to be drunk to work with Democrats on the state’s Criminal Justice and Public Safety committee. He also once demonstrated his responsible support of Second Amendment rights by accidentally dropping a loaded gun - one of two .45 caliber pistols he wears in shoulder holsters - as he took his seat in a crowded hearing room.

For crass behavior that gives conservatives a name worse than they already have, and for being a dreadful embarrassment to the people who elected him, Kyle Tasker is designated as our Ass Clown of the Month.

What a guy.

Have a good day. Send your nominees for future Ass Clowns of the Month to der(underscore)blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com. See you tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

Rest Room Etiquette, Part 2: Men, Women, and the Position of the Seat

As I write this, I'm sitting in the dark, cold house ... our power went out during the night during a fierce windstorm (that is still going on), and it's still out, with no estimated time to restoration. Happily, my laptop and trusty portable hotspot were both fully charged, my emergency portable radio has plenty of batteries, and we have lots of flashlights, so you don't need to be denied your daily dose of Bilbo's rambling ruminations. Aren't you lucky?

The other day we discussed the etiquette of how men choose the right urinal in public restrooms. Today, we take a look at another aspect of restroom etiquette.

One of the standard jokes about men and women deals with their approach to toilets ... specifically, whether or not the seat has been left up or down after the business has been completed. Women complain that men always leave the seat up; men complain that women are too ... uh ... anal ... about the position of the seat.

Given the success of the diagram I posted to help men determine the right urinal to use, I thought it might help if I prepared another diagram to help men and women manage their approaches to the eternal problem of what to do with the toilet seat (click to supersize) ...

You might want to post a copy of this in the bathroom at home. It couldn't hurt.

Have a good day, no matter what position the seat is in. If your power is out, I hope it comes back on soon.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Jokes for Intellectuals

My coworker Scott yesterday sent me a list of 20 jokes that "only intellectuals will understand." Oddly enough, I "got" most of them. Since I have such erudite and well-educated readers (hell, Mike doesn't have anything else to do all day but learn new stuff), you ought to get most of them, too. Here are a few of my favorites ...

1. A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. "You mean a martini?," the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

2. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "I'd like five beers, please."

3. There's a new band called 1023MB. They haven't got a gig yet.

4. A logician's wife is having a baby. The baby arrives and the doctor hands it to him. His wife asks, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician answers, "Yes."

5. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a Parisian sidewalk cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee please, with no cream."  The waitress responds, "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. Would you like it with no milk instead?"

6. A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest says, "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here!" The Higgs Boson says, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

and finally, one that I added to the list ...

7. Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. He finishes it and the bartender asks, "Would you care for another?" Descartes replies, "I think not" ... and disappears.

You can read all 20 of the jokes here. If you have any others, share them with the rest of us in a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Men's Rest Room Etiquette

You ladies may not be interested in this particular post, unless you find fascination in the behavior of men in relation to each other. If you want to come back tomorrow, that's okay.

Men learn at an early age that there's a particular etiquette to using a public restroom, because the urinal you choose can send a message, one that you may not necessarily want to send.

Men may go to the restroom at the same time, but they will never use adjoining urinals. Ever. They will always ensure that there is at least one vacant urinal between them. The only exception comes when the restroom is crowded and the only available urinals are between urinals already occupied by other men doing their thing ... in this case, and this case only, it is considered acceptable to use a urinal right next to another man. There are probably several reasons for this behavior.

One theory posits that it's because most men have a built-in aversion to getting "too close" to other men. Nowadays, of course, when it is considered socially acceptable to be gay, this theory is less widely held.

A second theory, probably more accurate, is that a man automatically suspects that someone standing too close while performing restroom functions is surreptitiously comparing the dimensions of their respective manly hydraulics. This theory is supported by the fact that modesty panels are generally installed between urinals.

Whatever the reason, there is a traditional set of unwritten rules on where a man should stand in a public restroom in relation to other men. As part of my ongoing campaign to help you cope with this bizarre world in which we live, I offer my male readers this helpful chart which summarizes the various options available to you for selecting the appropriate urinal. This chart assumes the presence of two or three men in the restroom and varying numbers of urinals ... you can extrapolate for varying numbers of gentlemen and urinals using the basic guidelines provided. Should one or more urinals be out of order, use your best judgement and avoid unnecessary eye contact with your neighbor.

You should also note that these guidelines may be waived in the event of a beer-fueled emergency, in which case the old "any port in a storm" adage applies.

No need to thank me. It's all part of the service.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

How's That Again? More Editorial Gems.

It's been a while since we visited Bilbo's Big Collection o' Editorial Oopses and Related Stuff, so let's start the new week with a collection of head-scratchers ...

Remember what we discussed about proofreading yesterday? Somebody didn't ...

Somebody else didn't, either ...

I wonder how many fingers they used ...

It looks as if someone took "doing it doggy-style" to a whole new level ...

Must have been some of those "young earth" types ...

For those of you who feel the need for speed ...

How about a couple of food-related gems? I wonder if these are served on the International Space Station ...

Every recipe works better with the right ingredients ... especially the right oil ...

Budget crisis? I think there may be a solution here somewhere, if there were just some place we could find extra cash ...

 

I should have such problems ...

And there you have it ... another collection of editorial gems and similar oddities. Do remember that proofreading thing, won't you?

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Nashunal National Proofreading Dey Day

I didn't mention it yesterday, because it was Cartoon Saturday and I was busy engaging in my orgy of self-congratulation over my blogoversary, but March 8 was National Proofreading Day - a day to "promote error-free writing and communication to enhance a professional and personal image," according to its official website.

There's a day for everything, isn't there?

This one is actually pretty important, though, when you think about it. Grammatical, error-free writing is important to the projection of a professional image. People who may never see us in person form opinions of us based on the way we write, and if that writing is full of errors, their opinion isn't likely to be a good one.

Here's a true story from The Annals of Bilbo on the importance of good proofreading ...

Many years ago, I was responsible for a project my organization was running in conjunction with a similar organization in another country. For political reasons, the project had been going along for years on a more-or-less informal basis, but at the time I was in charge, it was decided that it should be formalized. Our senior officials on both sides came up with the basic framework of an agreement (about two paragraphs), and it became my job to turn it into an official document that could be formally signed at an appropriately solemn and stately event.

I spent several agonizing months working with specialists in international law to make sure that the agreement was exactly right ... that everything was legal under the laws of both countries, all responsibilities of both parties were outlined accurately, all considerations of funding were addressed to ensure everyone knew who would pay for what, etc, etc ... by the time the lawyers got done with it, the simple couple-of-paragraphs-on-the-back-of-the-napkin agreement on which the seniors initially agreed had turned into a document of many pages of dense type, with appendices, annexes, annexes to the appendices, and appendices to the annexes. God Himself only needed ten commandments, but our agreement needed that many pages and more. So many people had their fingerprints on it that no one knew any more who had written what.

So ...

Fast-forward to the day the agreement was to be signed. The foreign dignitary and his staff had come to the US for the ceremonies. We'd made all the protocol arrangements, and two pristine copies of the agreement were laid out on the conference table with brand new pens* for the official signing. All was in readiness. Everyone filed into the room and took their places, appropriate remarks were made, and our boss and his foreign counterpart (a man of cabinet rank in his own country) picked up those nice new pens to apply their signatures to the agreement ...

... on which the foreign dignitary's name was misspelled.

Being a gentleman, he made a joke about it and signed anyway. I hid under the table.

And so, Dear Readers, that is my cautionary tale to you of the importance of good proofreading. Dozens of people had reviewed that draft agreement and looked at every letter of every word of every sentence of every paragraph ... and yet we all missed the glaring typo that might have proved to be a grave insult to a less jovial, more self-important person. I try very hard to make sure there are no typos in my posts, but - as you know - they occasionally do creep in, no matter how hard I try ... and there are those of you out there (yes, Dave, I'm talking to you) who will be happy to find them for me.

I wish all of you a happy, if belated, National Proofreading Day! May you never have trouble with your colons. Or any other punctuation, for that matter.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilby Bilbo

* Yes, we had done test signings to make sure the pens would actually write when called upon to do so.

Cartoon Saturday ... and My Eighth (!) Blogoversary

It's been a heckuva week, but now it's finally Cartoon Saturday. It's my eighth blogoversary, too, but we'll get to that later ... I think we need the cartoons first.

Massachusetts has enacted a law making photographing or recording video under a person's clothing - known as "upskirting" - a misdemeanor; members of an Illinois family have been arrested for shoplifting nearly $7 million worth of goods, which were smuggled out of stores in the mother's flowing black dress; GOP representative Darrell Issa has apologized to fellow representative Elijah Cummings for deliberately shutting off his microphone to keep him from speaking at a House committee meeting; the mummified body of a Michigan woman who hadn't been seen by her neighbors for nearly six years was found in the back seat of her car in her garage; and Russia appears to be settling into its newly-acquired Crimean real estate, unimpressed by US threats of economic sanctions.

So much for March being an improvement on February. Good thing we have Cartoon Saturday to lighten things up.

Since I take quite a bit of grief from my friends* about my love of puns, I thought that a selection of cartoons based on puns would be appropriate ...

Horror movies for bugs? ...

Hey, if the argument works for the gun crowd, why shouldn't it work for me? ...

It's corny, but ...

Some puns are just for the birds ...

Oops ... wrong room ...

Well, he could certainly do it ...

Well, bless their hearts ...

How linguists get dates ...

Opposites do attract, or so I've been told ...

Well, what would you call it? ...

And finally for this week ... sometimes you can end up in the wrong place ...

So much for this week's puns ... how about a little shameless self-congratulation?

Today is my eighth blogoversary! Yes, Dear Readers, I wrote my first blog post on March 8th, 2006 ... you can read it here if you want, but it's not quite up to my current standards. I started writing this blog because of my friend Jake, who had invited me to join a discussion group on military matters and current affairs ... it seems I was a bit too participatory and contrary for the group, and they suggested I just write my own blog and leave them alone.

This blog has evolved a lot since my first few posts, and I've added recurring features like Cartoon Saturday, Ask Bilbo, Great Moments in Editing, and the Ass Clown of the Month. I've made a lot of friends through blogging, some of whom I've actually met in person ... Buggie, Mike, Peg, and Gilahi, among others). I've exchanged letters with Amanda, Fiona, allenwoodhaven, and Green Canary, and others, and I've become Facebook friends with many of you. You brighten my days and your comments keep me thinking and (when needed) honest and humble.

I really enjoy writing this blog. I like having the creative outlet, and meeting people from all over the country and the world, virtually, in writing, and in person. I read every comment left on every post, even if I don't respond to all of them, and always appreciate the time you took to leave them. We don't always agree on everything, but the world would be a lot less interesting if we all saw things the same way.

Bilbo's First Law says you should never let anyone else do your thinking for you ... but I'm glad you've decided to come here and think with me. Let's do the next eight years together!

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* My friend Bob wrote this on my Facebook page the other day, after Andrea put up the cartoon I shared with you in this blog yesterday: "It's not just beautiful women who associate you with bad puns. It's also handsome men, unattractive women, ugly men, all children, and most members of the animal kingdom." Arizona Dave added, "... and some plants, too, probably." I seem to have an image problem.

She's Got My Number

Andrea posted this to my Facebook page yesterday ...

Two things come to mind: 1) Andrea has excellent taste; and 2) What is it about me that causes beautiful women think of puns rather than ... well ... other things?

I've got a lot to do this morning, so I'll just leave you with something else on the theme we've already started ...

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday AND the celebration of my eighth blogoversary.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo